I AM WEARING A T-SHIRT OF THE UNDERTAKER RIDING A HORSE

And I can't think of a title for this blog.

Since I haven't said or done anything in a while, I'm going to be live-tweeting tonight's pay-per-view, WWE: TLC (which stands for tables, ladders and chairs - or, as my girlfriend hilariously thought, tape, ladders and chairs. To be fair, they might as well throw tape in there. Or any home renovation item, now that they've combined sledgehammers and ladders. Add tape. Maybe a sabre saw. Maybe toss Triple H a softball and include some caulk).

I am most excited for three things tonight:

1. Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T

Cody Rhodes' maniacal laugh is the most accidentally infectious laugh since that time there was a gas leak in the hallway. His laugh is exactly as funny as Tony Atlas' DURHURHUR laugh at David Otunga was unfunny. I love Cody Rhodes. And I love Booker T excitedly ploughing through the English language to try and explain whether his issue with Cody Rhodes is personal or not. I hope this somehow leads to a Goldust/Cody match at WrestleMania, but if it only leads to Cody Rhodes saying he's coming for Booker T, nigga, than that's okay too.

2. Big Show vs. Mark Henry

I am mentally bracing myself for several minutes of ankle holding and hilarious Big Show selling. I'm curious if Daniel Bryan will get involved, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I will hold my breath until I fall off my couch and hit my head on my coffee table if Big Show wins though. Hopefully I can revive myself soon enough for the Smackdown where he would inevitably come out like the world's largest male cheerleader, whooping and doing his big annoying rain-dance with the title. I hate "fired-up so happy to be here C'MON YEAH" Big Show.

3. Kevin Nash vs. Triple H

Ho man. If this isn't filled to the brim with crazy method-acting Triple H, and tons of Kevin Nash heavy-breathing ladder-climbing, this'll be the last Tape Ladders and Chairs I ever order. This has so much potential because the match makes no sense. It's a ladder match, so it's no disqualification. Climb the ladder to get the sledgehammer, and then you can use it. Why not just bring another sledgehammer to the ring? Why not fucking sabre saw Triple H to death? Why would you even risk climbing that stupid ladder, either of you, given the history of your tissue-paper quads?! Just each of you push a shopping cart of sledgehammers to the ring and start sword-fighting.

Anyway, I'm excited to take in what surely has to be the oldest ladder match ever.

I'm also looking forward to Punk/ADR/Miz, but more for the spectacle of it all than the actual match, if that makes any sense.

Before I go, a couple things (starting a new list of things here):

1. Go play Razor (of Fair To Flair and Kick-Out!! fame)'s WWE 12 story - Zack Ryder vs. The U.S. I just started, and it's been fun as heck so far (already one Community reference!).

2. The third Fair To Flair Quarterly is coming out soon, and it'll be a "best of" 2011. I went through all of my Raw reviews from this year and picked out my favourite parts for the issue. I was tempted to include the truly hilarious things I said in previous reviews, such as "Alex Riley has some serious fire" and "Dolph Ziggler's new haircut will benefit him in the long run" (both ACTUAL THINGS I said [sheeeee]) but decided to keep that horrible shame to myself.

3. LASTLY, and maybe most importantly, I have to give a super belated shout-out to Andrew Johnson of The John Report. His Headlines are always really funny and entertaining, and his articles are on my list of wrestling sites to visit daily. Earlier this year he also wrote an awesome Night of Champions Best/Worst at With Leather in place of Brandon Stroud, which was hilarious, especially given the shoes he had to fill there.

He's also been saying way too nice things about me for a while now, so thanks for that, feller. Follow this man on Twitter.

Speaking of Twitter, join me on Twitter (@pizzabodyslam) (TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER) for all of my live-tweets (TWITTER TWITTER), which I'll be doing shirtless and glistening whilst taking deliberate sips from a hot beverage thermal mug. JOIN ME.

TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TITTY TWISTER TWITTER

11/28/11 RAW REVIEW: I CAN'T WAIT FOR JOHN MORRISON TO GET HIS REVENGE NEXT WEEK

This Raw review is (or will be very soon) posted over at Fair To Flair (in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was hit in the knee with a lead pipe, carted out of the arena, and continuously carted through big, swinging double-doors that say “TNA”. I also picture the EMTs that carted him through the doors to come back through dusting their hands off enthusiastically).

Now let's all start reading the first Raw review I've done that actually went up the day after. Someone give me a gold star.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

LIKED...

RODDY PIPER IS JOHN CENA’S SPLINTER

I love that once a year, Roddy Piper has to come and literally slap some sense into John Cena.

Last year, right around this time, Piper showed up and essentially shook John Cena until he finally displayed an emotion other than “lofl”. This year (er, yesterday), he conducted a pro wrestler litmus test on Cena and managed to draw both a white hot reaction from the crowd and an emotional, real promo out of Cena, which almost… almost blew the John Cena character wide open.

Roddy Piper seems to be the only person who can tap into John Cena and bring out the best in him. He offers wisdom on the psyche of a pro wrestler (“when you cheered me I did good things, when you booed me I did bad things”). When he talks, people shut up, take a knee and listen. He sees the good in bad people and the flaws in good people. He likes pizza (I assume). He can make a funny. He’s John Cena’s Splinter.

John Cena wants to impress Piper. He wants to prove to him that he can figure shit out on his own and go all Raphael through the Foot on a rooftop without the help of a super-powered Hall Of Fame ring (I wonder if because Hogan’s ring gave Abyss “Hogan-powers” and he had the red and yellow and Abyssamania [actual word said by Hulk Hogan], then if Cena used Piper’s ring, he’d get “Piper-powers” and start being funny for real and not win any more World Titles and wear a kilt so The Rock could show up and go “HAHA GAY” and pass out laughing because John Cena is in a dress and that is like catnip for Rocky).

Just like Splinter teaching the Turtles how the real world won’t understand or accept them, Piper is trying to teach Cena to deal with the fans that boo him so when he shows up at WrestleMania, expecting to win, but he loses and everyone cheers, he doesn’t have a nervous breakdown. Piper is trying to turn Cena.

And WWE.com is trying to turn Cena. The Rock is trying to turn Cena. It seems that everyone is trying to get John Cena to freak the fuck out and start chucking people through barber shop windows and legdrop Randy Savage and blow smoke over John Morrison’s sparkly abs, but, as David Shoemaker and Brandon Stroud have been saying all along, he’s already heel. Turning him heel would only turn him face.

The John Cena character can’t change. Everything around him can, because there will always be a million ways to orchestrate both a scenario where he’s booed out of the building (i.e. Punk, Rock, ECW, etc.), and a scenario where he assembles a team of SuperFriends to take out the Nexus and get cheers that bring the building down. Y’know?

That said, I’d still like to see John Cena tell The Rock he hates his fucking guts and then kick him in the dick.

DOLPH ZIGGLER DEF. RANDY ORTON (FT. WADE BARRETT DEF. COMMENTARY)

I think the best example of Ziggler’s new “show off” gimmick would be a weekly series called “What Can Dolph Ziggler Get A Good Match Out Of” where he wrestles different people and objects that you expect him to not be able to even wrestle, let alone get a passable match out of, but he blows everyone away when he DDTs himself and takes a nearfall from a porcelain birdbath.

This match was great. Maybe not quite as good as their last one on Raw, but still great. It was also aided by Vickie Guerrero yelling “FINISH HIM C’MON FINISH HIIIIM” from the VERY BEGINNING of the match. I love the idea that Vickie has no understanding of what goes into a wrestling match and right from the bell she’s just all “FUCKING KILL HIM ALREADY, GOD-UHHHHH”.

I can’t remember the last bad Dolph Ziggler match I saw. All the way back to his first match as Ziggler vs. Batista was awesome. Now he’s to the point where he’s wrestling two matches every Pay-Per-View and doing headstands after beating Randy Orton. I can’t wait for the day where he spins The Undertaker on his finger and 360 dunks off a step ladder.

Side note: Wade Barrett on commentary looked and sounded as sharp as Mason Ryan’s nipples.

DANIEL BRYAN KICKED MARK HENRY’S LEG OUT OF HIS LEG

Michael Cole brings out the best in Daniel Bryan. He’s like his Splinter.

Aside from the weak “we want Big Show” chant that made me want to heel hook my TV, this was a star-making promo from Bryan. Cole was an insufferable douche, which turned Bryan into a man of bearded conviction, which brought out Mark Henry (who is, to remind you, “half-way injured”) to get kicked in the leg.

I don’t expect Danielson to win the belt tonight. And if Mark Henry isn’t going to take the belt all the way to WrestleMania to defend it against Bryan, I could get behind him cashing in on Big Show at TLC, and turning “I’ve got ‘til 5” heel as champion.

Honourable Mention: Punk vs. Del Rio (a.k.a. wrestling, a.k.a. this is the kind of Raw people beg for after a Raw that is 97% shenanigans, a.k.a. even with Punk being wacky and saying “ass” and referencing Google searches [which incidentally brought me to a video titled “Del Rio Is A Boring Cunt”], the match itself was still great).

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

DISLIKED...

THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE JOHN

There really wasn’t too much to not like about John Morrison’s send off.

He got his leg lead piped out of his leg. He was staying gangster and stunting with Alex Riley before the match. He did that thing where he wrestles like his Pajama Jeans are too tight. He was killed off and I’m pretty sure John Laurinaitis came out for a “Future Endeavoured” Ron Simmons “DAMN” type punchline while he was on the stretcher (it’d be pretty great if he kept doing that anytime someone was about to get fired - he comes out, gives a derpy look of disapproval, and buries himself in his Blackberry until JTG gets wheeled away).

But for some reason, I’m still not sold on angry, solemnly Awesome Miz. He’s been reestablishing himself for the better part of this year with IMPACTS and STATEMENTS and IMPACTFUL STATEMENTS and STATED IMPACTS and I just miss the The Miz that had more charisma than that.

CAN I BORROW SOMEONE’S DIVAS SIGN LANGUAGE DICTIONARY

Every Divas match starts with a sign language mini-game that someone needs to subtitle. I get the Bellas calling their opponents “losers” by making an L out of their fingers and putting it on their head (that’s Divas Signing 101), but can someone decode Alicia Fox’s hand jive from last night? Even Natalya’s convoluted three-step YOU’RE GONNA CRY KELLY hand signals make some semblance of sense, but I think Alicia Fox was going off script there. Then again, pro wrestling signing typically doesn’t get more complicated than “YOU. ME. TEAM? BIG NOD” so I’m not exactly fluent.

THAT’S GOTTA BE (A CRAPPY) KANE (RETURN VIDEO)

It is crazy to me that a guy like Kane, who has TONS of built-in story and imagery and fire and death and brother murder and hell and brimstone and biblical fucking shit can’t even get a GOOD comeback video. Instead of using anything even remotely cool or creative, they decided to give Kane an HPV awareness commercial return video.

While I’m talking about video packages, I want someone to a/b that Sheamus video from last night where he was all “I’m a good lad! I like having a bit of fun I’m a nice guy!” with anything from two years ago where Michael Cole couldn’t stop yelling about how much Sheamus just loved to hurt people and how he’s a crazy Mark-Cuban-murdering asshole.

Honourable Mention: I think Jack Swagger tripped over his gigantic tongue.

Or something. I don’t know what the hayell happened right there. I think it’s karma for him abandoning his eye twitch.

MARK HENRY 2010 VS. MARK HENRY 2011

The years 1995-2009 haven't been very kind to Mark Henry. To summarize, here are his highlights:

1995: Wins gold silver in the Olympic Pan American Games.

1999: Wins is awarded the Intercontinental European Championship by someone cool Jeff Jarrett.

1999-2008: Ten years of nothing goes by.

2008: Wins the ECW Championship. 70 days later he lost it to Matt Hardy.

2009: Befriended MVP.

WOW what a glowing resume.

Now, if you haven't been paying attention lately, you might assume that things are just the same with Mark Henry. Still treading water, still friends with MVP, still showing up whenever Teddy Long says "you'll be facing... THIS MAN" (he was doing that mystery opponent gimmick for a while).

That, however, isn't the case.

I'll let you down slowly. Mark Henry is (wait for it) no longer friends with MVP. Breathe.

Also, Mark Henry is the champion of the fucking WORLD and is suddenly untouchable. Yes. This Mark Henry.

And this Mark Henry.

And this Mark Henry.

The fact that I could keep linking videos until I run out of Internet is a testament to how crazy it is to see Mark Henry as World Champion right now. Somehow, the World's Strongest 40 year old has gone from a professional wrestling sex addict to World Heavyweight Champion in twelve short years. I don't know how he did it. But, you can see the signs of the turnaround as early as January of this year.

Let's take a look at Mark Henry 2010 vs. Mark Henry 2011, month by month, and see what's changed and how he's improved:

ROYAL RUMBLE 2010: Eliminated by R-Truth in the Royal Rumble in 2:24.

ROYAL RUMBLE 2011: Eliminated by New Nexus in 7:04.

How he improved: It took three more guys and four minutes and forty seconds longer for him to get eliminated. Baby steps, Mark. Baby steps.

ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2010: Lost to Ted DiBiase in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match on Raw; accompanied MVP to the ring just to watch him lose on PPV.

ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2011: Did nothing.

How he improved: Doing nothing is obviously better.

WRESTLEMANIA XXVI: Lost a dark match 26-Man Battle Royal to Yoshi Tatsu.

WRESTLEMANIA XXVII: Lost a dark match 23-Man Battle Royal to Great Khali.

How he improved: Khali is taller and wider than Yoshi Tatsu.

EXTREME RULES 2010: Lost a Tag Team Gauntlet Non-Title Match with MVP; he also hit Buzz Aldrin with a steel chair around then.

EXTREME RULES 2011: Did nothing.

How he improved: Doing nothing is still obviously better, although heinously attacking an 81 year old American hero sounds like something 2011 Mark Henry would do.

OVER THE LIMIT 2010: Did nothing.

OVER THE LIMIT 2011: STILL did nothing.

How he improved: It looks like he broke even. However, seeing as this year's Over The Limit featured a Michael Cole/Jerry Lawler "Kiss My Foot" match, Daniel Bryan wrestling the dark match, and CM Punk teaming with Mason Ryan in a losing effort against Kane and the Big Show, being on this show can only be a detriment to Mark Henry as a wrestler. So, it turns out, still better than last year.

FATAL 4-WAY 2010: Did nothing. Also this month, he forgot how chasing works.

CAPITOL PUNISHMENT 2011: Obliterated the Big Show (twice); entered BEAST MODE; Hall of Pain est. June 19th, 2011.

How he improved: By committing gianticide.

MONEY IN THE BANK 2010: Lost the Money In The Bank Ladder Match to The Miz.

MONEY IN THE BANK 2011: Cleanly defeated the Big Show; Henry-lized the Big Show; made Big Show say "AWWGHWHGUUHFFHG FUCK"; didn't talk about having sex with his sister or make-out with a tranny or be given anything by Jeff Jarrett or anything gross and weird like that.

How he improved: I feel like I don't need this part anymore.

SUMMERSLAM 2010: Did nothing.

SUMMERSLAM 2011: Murdered the Great White Sheamus through a barricade to prove that he is the Great Black Mark; impressed Joey Ryan (I think his hilarious reaction was actually just planting the seeds for a Mark Henry/Joey Blalock rematch).

How he improved: Last year he wasn't on the show at all. Not even the dark match. He was barely even on Raw that month. This year he broke a steel barricade by using a person.

NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS 2010: Lost a Tag Team Turmoil Match with Evan Bourne.

NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS 2011: Defeated Acclaimed Wrestling Match Winner Randy Orton to become World Heavyweight Champion.

How he improved: Just to make sure you understand - Becoming World Heavyweight Champion by cleanly beating Randy Orton (with no match restarting tomfoolery, no "if I kick your nuts I win your title" stipulations, Kevin Nash didn't even show up, nothing); Losing a tag team match with Evan Bourne.

HELL IN A CELL 2010: Did nothing.

HELL IN A CELL 2011: Defeated Acclaimed Hell In A Celler Feller Randy Orton to retain his World Heavyweight Championship.

How he improved: Beat Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Title cleanly on Pay-Per-View once, shame on him. Beat Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Title cleanly on Pay-Per-View twice... you... can't get fooled again can't shoot the shooter you... ... uh... NO ONE DOES THAT

BRAGGING RIGHTS 2010: Did nothing, but he was on the poster, tucked behind John Cena, Randy Orton, The Miz and Evan Bourne.

VENGEANCE 2011: Literally exploded the ring with a wrestling move to end his match (this, I'm certain, was the first time this has ever happened); WAS THE POSTER.

Now we're entering uncharted Mark Henry 2011 territory, so I will predict the end of his Pay-Per-View year.

SURVIVOR SERIES 2010: Did nothing.

SURVIVOR SERIES 2011: Will retain his World Heavyweight Championship cleanly; will go back in time and trade bodies with the Undertaker and Tombstone Hulk Hogan on a steel chair, but actually hit his fucking head on it this time; shout "IF I GOTTA TIME MACHINE Y'ALL GONNA FEAR CLOCKS AT NIGHT" or something.

TLC 2010: Did nothing.

TLC 2011: Will retain his World Heavyweight Championship in a TLC Match cleanly; will resurrect Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes to reunite TLC to perform his exit music; conceives child with at least one member of TLC (a callback to his sex addict days); splits the wig of at least one member of TLC; shouts "DON'T GO CHASIN' WATERFALLS BECAUSE I'M THE RIVERBOAT CAPTAIN AND I'M CHARGIN' DOUBLE FOR AQUA ASS WHOOPINS EAT A REEF" to no one.

What does 2012 hold for Mark Henry? I say he treads water no longer. He should either keep escalating his reign of terror and starts wrestling shirtless with mysterious scars all over his body all of a sudden, and he grows his hair and beard out until he's barely recognizable any longer. Or, he has to go back to being a complete sexual deviant and start telling Evan Bourne he's got a pretty laugh.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI - TITLE FOR TITLE, CHAMPION VS. CHAMPION, THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE, SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Hello! And welcome back to my wrestling blogging website, which apparently only has content once a season that recaps whatever happened while I was gone for that time. I'm sorry I leave you so often, sweet blog. You still love me, right? Why don't we make love anymore? WHATS HIS NAME?

So I'm back again. But let's be honest, I'll probably be gone tomorrow and you won't see me 'til Since I've Been Gone VII - Adrian's Revenge.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

Photo - WWE.com

So after five of these recaps, you might remember that I tend to miss something big while I'm gone. Miz cashing in, WrestleMania XXVII, a nude Tayne John Cena, y'know the important stuff. This time around, I think I caused the thing I missed:

MATT HARDY

OUT-CRAZY'S THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR

WOW. BUDDY. Okay, um, Matt. I want to talk to Matt. Not Matthew. Is Matt in there? No Matt? Only Zuul?

Okay, Zuul, remember in my last blog how I gave you a Coach Taylor pep talk on how you can't let the Ultimate Warrior out-crazy you, and you need to get out there and be the best idiot you can be?

"I think [the Ultimate Warrior] showed up with a YouTube account to remind us that Matt Hardy eating grapes and tazing women isn't enough to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior. Jesus, even John Cena is out-crazying Matt Hardy! What happened Matt? Get on YouTube and show us what you're made of already! I do appreciate you burning your garbage and blowing up aerosol cans or getting bumshit hammered or giving cooking lessons to nobody, but do you think that's enough to keep up with the Ultimate Warrior swearing at a fictional lazy person? Or John Cena getting as naked and veiny as he possibly can and tweeting a picture of himself? NO. NO MATT. NO.

You need to pull yourself up by the cargo pant pockets and prove just who really is the craziest fucking idiot on the Internet. Grab your flipcam, kiss your brother, throw Shannon Moore into a pile of syringes, I don't care. Just be the best idiot you can be. I believe in you." - Me, August 17th, 2011

Remember when I said that?! DUDE I thought you were just going to post a video of you masturbating to your own action figure or something! I didn't think you'd actually take my advice to heart! You don't need to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior or nude Cena, you're your own crazy idiot and that's okay! Whatever happened to grapes? I thought they were the best thing ever?! STICK TO THE GRAPES MATT

Suicide videos and angel blood and DUIs aren't wrestling-crazy; they're actual-crazy. I just wanted you to take my rallying speech and go slip on a banana peel and make me laugh. But no, all you heard was CLEAR EYES FULL HEARTS CAN'T LOSE GO CRAZY VEEE ONEAHHHHHH BE WELL AND UNTIL THEN

KEVIN NASH

HAS AN OLD PERSON MOMENT AND TEXTS HIMSELF

Photo - WWE.com

A large part of me wishes that Kevin Nash texted himself from his own phone and has actually been at home this whole time, and what we've been seeing on TV every Monday since SummerSlam is the maniacal fantasies inside Kevin Nash's mind as he's at home playing with his wrestling toys on his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa. It'd be like the movie Identity (if anyone saw that and can replace the fat mental patient with Big Daddy Cool Diesel). That would at least explain what's been happening over the past few weeks.

So I know I've been gone for a while, and please correct me if I'm wrong here, but this is how I see Kevin Nash's return to the WWE thus far:

- Returns at Royal Rumble, doesn't pull anything, takes that as a sign to make a full comeback

- Thinks about it for half a year (presumably in his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa)

- Texts himself "omg cm punk wtf you're dead lol"

- "Sticks" CM Punk (his hilarious words, not mine)

- Thinks he made wrestling cool again by saying things like "hit the weights" and "get a clue" to CM Punk

- Got into a pretend car accident

- Got spotted by security cameras texting himself (embarrassing)

- Got hired by John Laurinaitis

- Was put into a match against CM Punk by Triple H

- Was replaced in the match against CM Punk by Triple H with Triple H

- Was punched by Triple H and fired by Triple H

- Tried to attack Triple H in the Triple H vs. CM Punk matches at Night of Champions, got sledge'd by Triple H and Triple H pinned CM Punk

- Attacked Triple H at Vengeance

- Attacked Triple H on Raw

- Triple H Triple H Triple H Triple Triple H

- Triple HHHHHHHHHHHHHH Triple HHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH HHHH

- HHHHHH Triple H

- HHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Soooo... yeah. At least CM Punk remained cool through all of this.

...

But then again, who the fuck would, when Triple H literally replaces the guy you're feuding with with himself so he can beat you, and STILL smash the guy you were feuding with in the face, and then go on to fight the guy you were feuding with while you team with Triple H and you're the one getting pinned in your tag team match holy goddamned what the serious fuck.

WWE SUBTLY STATES IT'S OPINION ON OCCUPY WALL STREET

SUBTLETY STILL NOT WWE'S STRONG SUIT

Photo - WWE.com

Hey, I wonder what WWE thinks of the Occupy Wall Street movement. I wonder if they support it, or if think everyone is a big annoying pussy for standing up against oh why would I even finish this thought. I find it completely MIND BLOWING that they would bury their entire roster (save for Triple H who, if you have never seen WWE, is REALLY AWESOME) in favour of making a shitty statement against protesters. If you haven't already, read Razor (of Kick-Out!! Wrestling)'s Fair To Flair article on the subject.

MARK HENRY AND BIG SHOW EXPLODE THE RING

THE SIMPSONS ALREADY DID IT

Photo - WWE.com

The instant Mark Henry and Big Show hit the canvas and smashed the ring into obliteratitry, the internet smashed itself into obliteratitry by shouting about Brock Lesnar and Big Show already breaking the ring eight years ago. This is a classic case of The Simpsons Already Did It, as told by South Park.

Because the WWE has been around for *checks watch* fucking ever, they've done everything. In fact, the entire business of wrestling used to be based on doing the exact same thing night-in, night-out in a different city every day (twice on Sundays © Ric Flair). But now, because the WWE is a global brand on TV in over 38796 countries (did you know?) unleashing anywhere from 6-12 hours of BRAND NEW programming every insufferable week, things kind of end up repeating once you do that for over fifty years (the revolutionary force in sports entertainment).

By the way, not only did Brock Lesnar and Big Show ALREADY explode the ring eight years ago, I'm pretty sure Kevin Nash has hit Triple H with a sledgehammer before. If exploding the ring is the point you're going to raise in support of "WWE has no new ideas" you are weird.

FURTHERMORE, if two people that weigh as much as Brock Lesnar and Big Show combined broke the ring with a superplex, then that ring better fucking explode when Big Show and Mark Henry do the same thing. If anything we should be praising WWE for establishing something eight years ago and following through on it. Ha?

FAIR TO FLAIR QUARTERLY #2

NOW OUT!

I can't do my first post in two months and not mention Fair To Flair. The second issue, which Jason Mann and I previewed a few months ago in this podcast, is now available to order in both physical and digital formats. AND you can also preview the articles that make up the new Quarterly by going here. I, once again, am not a part of this one, but wholeheartedly support it.

FTF has also expanded to include Garcian Smith (hey!). And one day I'll show up there again! Holy crap I've been gone forever.

DAVID OTUNGA GETS NEW GIMMICK

AND A THERMAL COFFEE MUG

This is only important because he is hilarious. BOWTIE

ALSO

OTHER THINGS

Photo - WWE.com

Considering my last post was August 17th, I've missed like 90 hours (barely exaggerating) of WWE TV. And that doesn't even count other promotions, OR things that don't happen on-screen, which means I've missed A LOT. Like Cody Rhodes bringing back the classic Intercontinental Title or ROH's debut TV show or Raw becoming a SuperShow or Smackdown remaining a Normalshow or Super Dragon returning or Teddy Hart inventing a promotion that is exactly like the kind of promotion Teddy Hart would invent or the WWE launching a cable network in like five months or James Storm winning the TNA Title or TNA still being a thing or Jim Ross being humiliated (hey another thing the Simpsons WWE already did) or John Morrison almost certainly tweeting about his plan to masturbate or Evil Sin Cara or Camo Big Show or Rise Above Hate Anti-Bully Bully John Cena or Wax Undertaker or Chocolate Kane or Cyborg Alex Riley okay I'm making some of these up but I missed SO MANY THINGS. SO MANY.

See you in fourteen months or whenever.

07/11/11 RAW REVIEW: CM PUNK = VOICE OF THE VOICELESS (ICE CREAM BARS HAVE NO VOICE)

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website with essays and articles and podcasts and an actual book (think Internet you can touch!) that we release four times a year, which we call the Fair To Flair Quarterly. You can purchase the first Quarterly here (in both book and digital book formats), and listen to a podcast detailing the upcoming second Quarterly here.

I'm a regular contributor at FTF (mainly for Raw reviews, like this one) along with co-founders Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling, as well as Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and my blogging Dick Bro-go TH of The Wrestling Blog.

Now, hit my music from atop a mountain with that Brahma Bull witchcraft.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 07/11/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com, Edit - F Yeah WWE Wrestling

Dear readers of Fair To Flair and lovers of pizza and body slams (what a maneuver!) everywhere,

I refuse to review anything on Raw this week involving CM Punk.

There’s a point in my wrestling-watching life when I go back and rewatch certain promos and get the same amount of goosebumps each time, and simply can’t say anything about it to make it better/funnier/more interesting/etc.

Instead, I will just link you to some CM Punk gifs (like this one or this one or this one or this one and look at this one or maybe even just this one jpeg where six months ago CM Punk told us not blink for the next six months holy crap), watch the PPV on Sunday, and feel like I’m eleven years old again discovering my body getting caught up in pro wrestling.

Signed,

Mitch (PIZZABODYSLAM)

CM PUNK TALKED ME INTO THE BUILDING

Okay, I lied. Sometimes you gotta say just one thing about thing you love so much you don’t want to ruin it by saying too many things about it. So, ahem:

I LOVE THIS.

I wish I had video of myself on the literal edge of my seat as Punk managed to go from funny to serious in a totally non-John Cena way, and from loved to hated in a totally organic way, even if he was just running down the city they were in. It was so perfect. I shrieked when Cena punched him. I’ve watched it at least three times since, and I (as mentioned above) still get goosebumps.

That’s all I want to say. I don’t want to dissect or analyze or speculate or fantasy book or do anything that could ruin Sunday for me. So I’m going to close my eyes and plug my ears until then, goodbye.

But first, large men falling down:

MARK HENRY VS. BIG SHOW: RAMPAGE WORLD TOUR

Anyone else love this feud?

Like, just the feud. I don’t mean the matches or the anticipation I feel when either one of them is about to do something (I feel nothing). I mean the actual concept of this feud, where both Mark Henry and Big Show, week-in and week-out attempt to destroy something more hilarious (like Mark Henry throwing a man just INTO THE AIR) or participate in some hilarious stunt that escalates by the week. It’s like they’re picking who hits first in baseball by going hand-over-hand on a bat until one of them sneaks their fat finger on the top of the handle. Except the bat is Drew McIntyre.

Can I ask what exactly we are to believe Big Show and Mark Henry fell on, if not just cardboard boxes with a tablecloth on it? I love the wrestling logic of the black tablecloth, as if it’s supposed to make whatever compressible material they have beneath it disappear. Why couldn’t they have fallen on that spark machine that’s always found near the stage? That’s fun AND illogical. Everyone loves sparks. Everyone except Jeff Hardy, if you remember that one time when he danced out too many fireworks.

KELLY KELLY IS MY FAVOURITE KIND OF HILARIOUS: ACCIDENTALLY!

Four seconds into her match on Raw she managed to find herself on the ground with her arms wrapped around her own body in a “quit hugging yourself” bully-type move. YOU ARE THE CHAMPION. No champion of anything, potentially even the World Self-Hugging Champion, could manage to fall down, get spun around and tied up in a Johnny Saint knot four seconds into a match.

Then again, no champion of anything would rub their butthole in the face of their opponent. Okay, maybe John Cena and Randy Orton would, but apparently they can get away with it.

Kelly Kelly also may have legitimized the wrestling stomp. The way she was selling the stompdown the Bellas were giving her, it was as if they were stomping her organs into OBLITERATITRY. Thank God Eve was there to save her jump on her own face.

Honourable Mention: R-Truth and spiders, apparently.

He insinuated that if the Money In The Bank briefcase has any spiders in it, he will shit himself. I probably would too. Because what the actual ****, RON

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 07/11/11

DISLIKED...

DAVID OTUNGA, TAG TEAM CHAMPION

OH. MAN. You suck. You might be the worst tag team wrestler to ever hold the belts like three times or whatever unbelievable number it is.

John Cena, famous serial murderer of World Tag Team Champions, is down in the corner and the referee has his back turned. Here’s your chance, David. C’mon buddy, take it to ‘im! Use that handicap advantage like the Tag Team Champion you are! Here we gooooo AAAANNND! WOW. Wow. Just a soft little kick. One little tap. Like a gentle nudge. The referee is still turned around, you could go back and…no? You’re good? Okay. Cool. Cool.

Maybe, instead of Googling yourself, you should Google tag team wrestling and learn how to **** a person up when you have the chance, and then John Cena wouldn’t wrestle you to death and blow you a tiny kiss at the end of it all.

YOU WANNA TOUCH MY SISTER?!?!??

Such a weird thing to say.

The Bella Twins deliver promos like evil, teenaged Sweeney Sisters. The teenaged part is when they start the promo with “Wait, hold on, um, hellooooo…wow” and reference Katy Perry Proactiv commercials. The Sweeney Sisters part is when they trade one-liners and look to the crowd for a reaction, and generally receive none, and mix up Kelly Kelly with Katy Perry. The evil part is how you can look but you can’t touch (but you probably could).

But, I will give them credit: they annoy the ever-loving shit out of me. So, kudos?

Yes, kudos. I’ve decided they get the kudos. Because Melina also annoys me to no foreseeable end (what were those melty crazed duck faces she was making at the start of the match?), but is never on TV so my hate for her goes unsolved. At least I get to see the Bellas get slapped around every once and a while.

The only kudos I’ll give Melina (I’m giving a lot of backhanded kudos here) is that she sold Kelly Kelly’s Fame-Asser/Rocker Dropper finisher like instant death. The way she laid there made me wish she stayed there like CM Punk did that one time, except the show would have to continue and everyone would have to wrestle around her.

MICROPHONE PARADE

Seven guys lining up to interrupt each other is funny any way you look at it.

Logically, in order to come out in time, they had to be near each other backstage before they went out. I like to think that they asked each other what they had to say, then started scrambling for loose microphones because they disagreed with one another.

Part of me wishes this was a never-ending microphone parade (it almost was), and they just ran out the rest of the show with the Great Khali taking exception to something Mason Ryan said in disagreement with Black Ref who came out to challenge Man Mountain Rock who interrupted the ramblings of me who took this joke too far.

Honourable Mention: Dolph Ziggler has charisma I swear.

Did anyone watch that season of NXT where he was constantly ad-libbing from the stage and elbow-dropping novelty foam hats? He’s hilarious! Let him say things and act the way he normally would instead of having him make bad breath/possum diaper vomit jokes.

I have no real knowledge as to how much of any wrestling promo is scripted or not scripted. But just based on how humans work, I can confidently say that some people are better at being given “lines” and delivering them, while other people are better at saying what they want to say. Or something. I don’t know. Line?

Honourable Honourable Mention: I almost forgot.

It looks like they’re having bad dreams in bed together.