I AM WEARING A T-SHIRT OF THE UNDERTAKER RIDING A HORSE

And I can't think of a title for this blog.

Since I haven't said or done anything in a while, I'm going to be live-tweeting tonight's pay-per-view, WWE: TLC (which stands for tables, ladders and chairs - or, as my girlfriend hilariously thought, tape, ladders and chairs. To be fair, they might as well throw tape in there. Or any home renovation item, now that they've combined sledgehammers and ladders. Add tape. Maybe a sabre saw. Maybe toss Triple H a softball and include some caulk).

I am most excited for three things tonight:

1. Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T

Cody Rhodes' maniacal laugh is the most accidentally infectious laugh since that time there was a gas leak in the hallway. His laugh is exactly as funny as Tony Atlas' DURHURHUR laugh at David Otunga was unfunny. I love Cody Rhodes. And I love Booker T excitedly ploughing through the English language to try and explain whether his issue with Cody Rhodes is personal or not. I hope this somehow leads to a Goldust/Cody match at WrestleMania, but if it only leads to Cody Rhodes saying he's coming for Booker T, nigga, than that's okay too.

2. Big Show vs. Mark Henry

I am mentally bracing myself for several minutes of ankle holding and hilarious Big Show selling. I'm curious if Daniel Bryan will get involved, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I will hold my breath until I fall off my couch and hit my head on my coffee table if Big Show wins though. Hopefully I can revive myself soon enough for the Smackdown where he would inevitably come out like the world's largest male cheerleader, whooping and doing his big annoying rain-dance with the title. I hate "fired-up so happy to be here C'MON YEAH" Big Show.

3. Kevin Nash vs. Triple H

Ho man. If this isn't filled to the brim with crazy method-acting Triple H, and tons of Kevin Nash heavy-breathing ladder-climbing, this'll be the last Tape Ladders and Chairs I ever order. This has so much potential because the match makes no sense. It's a ladder match, so it's no disqualification. Climb the ladder to get the sledgehammer, and then you can use it. Why not just bring another sledgehammer to the ring? Why not fucking sabre saw Triple H to death? Why would you even risk climbing that stupid ladder, either of you, given the history of your tissue-paper quads?! Just each of you push a shopping cart of sledgehammers to the ring and start sword-fighting.

Anyway, I'm excited to take in what surely has to be the oldest ladder match ever.

I'm also looking forward to Punk/ADR/Miz, but more for the spectacle of it all than the actual match, if that makes any sense.

Before I go, a couple things (starting a new list of things here):

1. Go play Razor (of Fair To Flair and Kick-Out!! fame)'s WWE 12 story - Zack Ryder vs. The U.S. I just started, and it's been fun as heck so far (already one Community reference!).

2. The third Fair To Flair Quarterly is coming out soon, and it'll be a "best of" 2011. I went through all of my Raw reviews from this year and picked out my favourite parts for the issue. I was tempted to include the truly hilarious things I said in previous reviews, such as "Alex Riley has some serious fire" and "Dolph Ziggler's new haircut will benefit him in the long run" (both ACTUAL THINGS I said [sheeeee]) but decided to keep that horrible shame to myself.

3. LASTLY, and maybe most importantly, I have to give a super belated shout-out to Andrew Johnson of The John Report. His Headlines are always really funny and entertaining, and his articles are on my list of wrestling sites to visit daily. Earlier this year he also wrote an awesome Night of Champions Best/Worst at With Leather in place of Brandon Stroud, which was hilarious, especially given the shoes he had to fill there.

He's also been saying way too nice things about me for a while now, so thanks for that, feller. Follow this man on Twitter.

Speaking of Twitter, join me on Twitter (@pizzabodyslam) (TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER) for all of my live-tweets (TWITTER TWITTER), which I'll be doing shirtless and glistening whilst taking deliberate sips from a hot beverage thermal mug. JOIN ME.

TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TITTY TWISTER TWITTER

WWE TLC REVIEW: THE SECOND BEST WRESTLING PPV THIS WEEKEND!

I watched two wrestling pay-per-views this weekend. One I watched with a group of friends, having some beers and a shouty good time. The other I watched stone cold sober, by myself, whilst cramming a Pizza Hut pizza into my face. Let's see if it's true that your surroundings can affect your mood!

WWE TLC: TABLES, LADDERS & CHAIRS

LIKE: SHEAMUS/MORRISON

DISLIKE: $45 FILLER

Photo - WWE.com

Fifty-five if you got the HD feed, which I did not. I wish you could allocate portions of your $55 to parts of the PPV, so the next time they do a PPV, they know what paying customers are paying to see. So I'd give like thirty-five bucks to Sheamus and John Morrison, ten bucks to Alberto Del Rio's plunge to the outside, five to Natalya's improv-splash, five to John Cena's obliteration of Wade Barrett, and I'd ask Kane for whatever he's got in his pockets.

LIKED

- Sheamus vs. John Morrison. This was without question the highlight of the entire show. It was great for every reason you could think of. It was an awesome match, the ladder didn't feel like it was thrown in there and they had to use it (like it can feel in some matches), the selling was perfect, there were big spots, plenty of suspense, and the match made the WWE Title seem even more important based on how long and brutal they went at it. The best part is that I'm not a big Sheamus fan (I don't "laich" him) and John Morrison might be the definition of hit and miss to me. This match had me on the edge of my seat with two guys I normally don't care about. That's the sign of a good match right there.

- Parts of the World Title TLC match. By then the gimmick had worn out it's welcome (two ladder matches and several table breaks earlier in the night), but they still managed to get some good stuff in. It's a shame that it was so obvious that this match was there for the big stunt spots, while Morrison and Sheamus had more of a focus and purpose and stuff.

- Alberto Del Rio's plunge from the top of the ladder to the outside through a table. He looked he hit the ground at warp speed.

- Natalya's obviously improvised splash through Lay-Cool, which made the match/finish WAY BETTER. So awesome. And not to mention Natalya's "YOU GUYYYYYS. YOU GUYYYYYS." after the match.

- Beth Phoenix landing on her head like twice in that match.

- Kofi Kingston's ability to make up new moves with ladders. Not every match has to be about coming up with new shit to do with the ladder, we mostly just want a good match. But when you have an entire PPV devoted to the TLC gimmick (not to mention an annual MITB match AND PPV), someone's going to have to do something different. It seems like Kofi will never run out of parts of the ladder to jump through/attach to himself.

- The seeds being planted for Cena/Punk. At first, I wasn't sure if Cena was the one Punk was talking about in his Slammy acceptance speech. But now it's pretty clear - why else would they have Punk call that match if not to have some more sound bites of CM Punk not approving of John Cena. When this match happens at WrestleMania, it's going to be fucking awesome.

- The double finish to Miz/Orton. Mike Chioda calling the bell after seeing Orton lying in some table shards was pretty ridiculous, even if it did get people to boo Miz out of the friggin' country. But then having Miz STILL outsmart Orton after the restart was awesome, and should set the tone for his reign. I'm excited to see more matches where the Miz has to scramble and figure out what he has to do to hold onto the belt he loves so much.

DISLIKED

- Themed PPVs. It's not like I see numbers on these things or whatever, so I can only speak about their success in terms of watching it as a fan. It sucks knowing that Sheamus/Morrison could've stood out THAT MUCH MORE if this was just a regular PPV with stipulations added naturally, instead of being forced on matches like Miz/Orton and Barrett/Cena. By the end of it, I just didn't care anymore. It took John Cena to line up eight folding chairs and hurl Wade Barrett through them (and then dump a row of chairs onto him (kinda)) to get my attention, which sucks, because I was ready for this match to be exciting.

- John Cena covering Wade Barrett before dropping chairs on him. WTF. Don't do that spot if you can't just DO IT, instead of being like "hold on let me cover you up because this'll hurt and wrestling's fake!" It sure looked cool (if you didn't see the wooden shield). Maybe they can edit out the weird wooden Wade Barrett-protector out for the DVD!

- Kane's Christmas promo. Yeah. He cut a promo on Christmas. The Kane character is getting more goofy by the second. With Kane cutting a promo on Christmas, he's forcing me to think of a Little Red Machine looking out at the kids playing on Christmas all sad while he just sits in his home with Paul Bearer in a Christmas sweater and Kane probably in the same stupid pants he's been wearing forever now.

- The tag match for no reason. And the Big Show Santa Claus promo for no reason. When you buy a PPV on your own (I have friends, I swear!) and you know you're shouldering the entire cost of this thing, it stings that much more when the Big Show comes out for ten minutes handing out copies of his STUPID FUCKING STRAIGHT TO DVD FAILURE MOVIE. I literally got angrier as that sentence went on. And the tag match was just chucked on there, because yeah, you've gotta break up the endless gimmick matches THAT YOU FORCED ON YOURSELVES. WOW I gotta keep my rage in check. But seriously. If we're paying any kind of money for something, I'd appreciate it if we got some surprises on the card that were at least worth getting. Like, for example, the Daniel Bryan/Ted DiBiase dark match that went on before the PPV. Anyway. Frig.

- Big Show calling Cody Rhodes unfunny. That statement is so backwards that I want to punch a hole through my own face and sell it with a back bump.

- The weird running gag with Nexus and Cena backstage. "haaaay!"

- Most of Miz/Orton. I almost forgot it happened. Maybe it's because...

- It was a Tables match. All that the announcers talked about during the tables match was how dumb tables matches are. At least with Ladder matches, there's a logical goal. Climb the ladder and be the first to retrieve (or "gain custody" if you're Tony Chimel) the belt/contract/wedding ring, whatever. With a tables match, you're just waiting for the stunt. And the wrestlers know how dumb it is - you could just fall through a table and all of a sudden you're not the best wrestler in the world anymore. The idea that Miz could drag Orton onto some table shards, point the referee in the right direction and he wins, is dumb. I'm glad they overturned it for the sake of Mike Chioda's reputation (yeah I am concerned about a referee's reputation in a fake sport). With the TLC PPV, all of the other matches seem to have a point (although the Chairs match doesn't really make total sense either), and aren't constantly being argued by announcers and wrestlers how stupid they are. Tables matches should've been left behind with the Attitude Era. I wish I could articulate my point better. But I can't because my brain has melted from watching naked men pretend to fight each other all day every day.

The last thing I will say is this. I expected this PPV to completely bomb with me considering I watched Final Battle the night before. But thanks to John Morrison and Sheamus, this review isn't a total top-to-bottom trashing of TLC. But it still fell short of what ROH did on Saturday, because c'mon guys, that shit was crazy.

WWE PPV PREDICTION GAME: WWE TLC: TABLES, LADDERS & CHAIRS

Make your picks in the comments section below.

WWE TLC: TABLES, LADDERS & CHAIRS (EVENT #7)

PICK DEADLINE: SUNDAY, DECEMBER 19TH - 7:59:59 P.M. (EASTERN TIME)

Image - Unchained Wrestling Wallpapers

There are six matches on Sunday. You have the numbers 1-6 to assign as confidence points to your picks - if your prediction is correct, you earn that number of points. You cannot use the same number twice. Any match added DURING the PPV will not count.

WWE TLC: TABLES, LADDERS & CHAIRS

FINAL CARD

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP - TABLES MATCH

The Miz (c)

VS.

Randy Orton

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP - TLC MATCH

Kane (c)
VS.
"The Rated R Superstar" Edge
VS.
Rey Mysterio
VS.
Alberto Del Rio

CHAIRS MATCH
Wade Barrett
VS.
John Cena

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP - LADDER MATCH
Dolph Ziggler (c)
VS.
Kofi Kingston
VS.
Jack Swagger

#1 CONTENDERSHIP TO THE WWE TITLE - LADDER MATCH
John Morrison
VS.
Sheamus

DIVAS TAG TEAM TABLES MATCH
Natalya & Beth Phoenix
VS.
Team Lay-Cool

PIZZABODYSLAM'S PICKS

6 - The Miz

5 - Natalya/Phoenix

4 - John Morrison

3 - John Cena

2 - Kofi Kingston

1 - Kane

You can view the current standings here.

WWE TLC: TABLES, LADDERS AND CHAIRS PREDICTIONS

These may seem late, but I'm catching the uh... er... replay.

UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP TLC MATCH

JERISHOW (C) VS. DX

DX def. Jerishow to win their first Tag Team Championship in the Main Event

- There's a crazy ass celebration with explosions and green confetti and glowstick raves

- Shawn Michaels scares us all to death by taking a way too dangerous ladder bump

- Big Show accidentally KO's Jericho

- There is a near match-ruining appearance by Hornswoggle

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP CHAIRS MATCH

UNDERTAKER (C) VS. BATISTA

Batista def. Undertaker to win the World Heavyweight Championship

- This match will surprisingly have good psychology and drama

- Batista gets injured during the match, still wins, then forfeits the title at the Slammy's

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP TABLES MATCH

JOHN CENA (C) VS. SHEAMUS

John Cena def. Sheamus to retain his WWE Championship

- TOP ROPE TABLE FU WHOAMG

- Somehow Sheamus also puts Cena through a table

- Sheamus fucks something up

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH

CHRISTIAN (C) VS. SHELTON BENJAMIN

Christian def. Shelton Benjamin to retain his ECW Championship

- MOTN

- Goes on first to keep as much separation between ladder matches as possible

- Shelton defies gravity with some new fangled ladder move that blows everyone's mind, but people still somehow forget about him the next time he appears on TV

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

JOHN MORRISON (C) VS. DREW MCINTYRE

John Morrison def. Drew McIntyre via DQ to retain his Intercontinental Championship

- Surprisingly short

- Ends in either a DQ or some kinda draw/double countout/shmoz scenerio (I went with DQ)

- McIntyre looks crazy strong

RUBBER MATCH

KOFI KINGSTON VS. RANDY ORTON

Randy Orton def. Kofi Kingston

- Even though it seems like that Kofi will and probably should get the win, I get the feeling that Orton will somehow get the win on PPV

- Kofi will still look like a star

- Even if Orton loses, he'll get the last laugh somehow

WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

MICHELLE MCCOOL (C) VS. MICKIE JAMES

Michelle McCool def. Mickie James to retain her Women's Championship

- Mickie James has a hilarious botch

- McCool retains under dastardly tactics

I also predict (or hope to god, rather) that CM Punk has some kind of important promo regarding his straight-edge army.