11/28/11 RAW REVIEW: I CAN'T WAIT FOR JOHN MORRISON TO GET HIS REVENGE NEXT WEEK

This Raw review is (or will be very soon) posted over at Fair To Flair (in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was hit in the knee with a lead pipe, carted out of the arena, and continuously carted through big, swinging double-doors that say “TNA”. I also picture the EMTs that carted him through the doors to come back through dusting their hands off enthusiastically).

Now let's all start reading the first Raw review I've done that actually went up the day after. Someone give me a gold star.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

LIKED...

RODDY PIPER IS JOHN CENA’S SPLINTER

I love that once a year, Roddy Piper has to come and literally slap some sense into John Cena.

Last year, right around this time, Piper showed up and essentially shook John Cena until he finally displayed an emotion other than “lofl”. This year (er, yesterday), he conducted a pro wrestler litmus test on Cena and managed to draw both a white hot reaction from the crowd and an emotional, real promo out of Cena, which almost… almost blew the John Cena character wide open.

Roddy Piper seems to be the only person who can tap into John Cena and bring out the best in him. He offers wisdom on the psyche of a pro wrestler (“when you cheered me I did good things, when you booed me I did bad things”). When he talks, people shut up, take a knee and listen. He sees the good in bad people and the flaws in good people. He likes pizza (I assume). He can make a funny. He’s John Cena’s Splinter.

John Cena wants to impress Piper. He wants to prove to him that he can figure shit out on his own and go all Raphael through the Foot on a rooftop without the help of a super-powered Hall Of Fame ring (I wonder if because Hogan’s ring gave Abyss “Hogan-powers” and he had the red and yellow and Abyssamania [actual word said by Hulk Hogan], then if Cena used Piper’s ring, he’d get “Piper-powers” and start being funny for real and not win any more World Titles and wear a kilt so The Rock could show up and go “HAHA GAY” and pass out laughing because John Cena is in a dress and that is like catnip for Rocky).

Just like Splinter teaching the Turtles how the real world won’t understand or accept them, Piper is trying to teach Cena to deal with the fans that boo him so when he shows up at WrestleMania, expecting to win, but he loses and everyone cheers, he doesn’t have a nervous breakdown. Piper is trying to turn Cena.

And WWE.com is trying to turn Cena. The Rock is trying to turn Cena. It seems that everyone is trying to get John Cena to freak the fuck out and start chucking people through barber shop windows and legdrop Randy Savage and blow smoke over John Morrison’s sparkly abs, but, as David Shoemaker and Brandon Stroud have been saying all along, he’s already heel. Turning him heel would only turn him face.

The John Cena character can’t change. Everything around him can, because there will always be a million ways to orchestrate both a scenario where he’s booed out of the building (i.e. Punk, Rock, ECW, etc.), and a scenario where he assembles a team of SuperFriends to take out the Nexus and get cheers that bring the building down. Y’know?

That said, I’d still like to see John Cena tell The Rock he hates his fucking guts and then kick him in the dick.

DOLPH ZIGGLER DEF. RANDY ORTON (FT. WADE BARRETT DEF. COMMENTARY)

I think the best example of Ziggler’s new “show off” gimmick would be a weekly series called “What Can Dolph Ziggler Get A Good Match Out Of” where he wrestles different people and objects that you expect him to not be able to even wrestle, let alone get a passable match out of, but he blows everyone away when he DDTs himself and takes a nearfall from a porcelain birdbath.

This match was great. Maybe not quite as good as their last one on Raw, but still great. It was also aided by Vickie Guerrero yelling “FINISH HIM C’MON FINISH HIIIIM” from the VERY BEGINNING of the match. I love the idea that Vickie has no understanding of what goes into a wrestling match and right from the bell she’s just all “FUCKING KILL HIM ALREADY, GOD-UHHHHH”.

I can’t remember the last bad Dolph Ziggler match I saw. All the way back to his first match as Ziggler vs. Batista was awesome. Now he’s to the point where he’s wrestling two matches every Pay-Per-View and doing headstands after beating Randy Orton. I can’t wait for the day where he spins The Undertaker on his finger and 360 dunks off a step ladder.

Side note: Wade Barrett on commentary looked and sounded as sharp as Mason Ryan’s nipples.

DANIEL BRYAN KICKED MARK HENRY’S LEG OUT OF HIS LEG

Michael Cole brings out the best in Daniel Bryan. He’s like his Splinter.

Aside from the weak “we want Big Show” chant that made me want to heel hook my TV, this was a star-making promo from Bryan. Cole was an insufferable douche, which turned Bryan into a man of bearded conviction, which brought out Mark Henry (who is, to remind you, “half-way injured”) to get kicked in the leg.

I don’t expect Danielson to win the belt tonight. And if Mark Henry isn’t going to take the belt all the way to WrestleMania to defend it against Bryan, I could get behind him cashing in on Big Show at TLC, and turning “I’ve got ‘til 5” heel as champion.

Honourable Mention: Punk vs. Del Rio (a.k.a. wrestling, a.k.a. this is the kind of Raw people beg for after a Raw that is 97% shenanigans, a.k.a. even with Punk being wacky and saying “ass” and referencing Google searches [which incidentally brought me to a video titled “Del Rio Is A Boring Cunt”], the match itself was still great).

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

DISLIKED...

THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE JOHN

There really wasn’t too much to not like about John Morrison’s send off.

He got his leg lead piped out of his leg. He was staying gangster and stunting with Alex Riley before the match. He did that thing where he wrestles like his Pajama Jeans are too tight. He was killed off and I’m pretty sure John Laurinaitis came out for a “Future Endeavoured” Ron Simmons “DAMN” type punchline while he was on the stretcher (it’d be pretty great if he kept doing that anytime someone was about to get fired - he comes out, gives a derpy look of disapproval, and buries himself in his Blackberry until JTG gets wheeled away).

But for some reason, I’m still not sold on angry, solemnly Awesome Miz. He’s been reestablishing himself for the better part of this year with IMPACTS and STATEMENTS and IMPACTFUL STATEMENTS and STATED IMPACTS and I just miss the The Miz that had more charisma than that.

CAN I BORROW SOMEONE’S DIVAS SIGN LANGUAGE DICTIONARY

Every Divas match starts with a sign language mini-game that someone needs to subtitle. I get the Bellas calling their opponents “losers” by making an L out of their fingers and putting it on their head (that’s Divas Signing 101), but can someone decode Alicia Fox’s hand jive from last night? Even Natalya’s convoluted three-step YOU’RE GONNA CRY KELLY hand signals make some semblance of sense, but I think Alicia Fox was going off script there. Then again, pro wrestling signing typically doesn’t get more complicated than “YOU. ME. TEAM? BIG NOD” so I’m not exactly fluent.

THAT’S GOTTA BE (A CRAPPY) KANE (RETURN VIDEO)

It is crazy to me that a guy like Kane, who has TONS of built-in story and imagery and fire and death and brother murder and hell and brimstone and biblical fucking shit can’t even get a GOOD comeback video. Instead of using anything even remotely cool or creative, they decided to give Kane an HPV awareness commercial return video.

While I’m talking about video packages, I want someone to a/b that Sheamus video from last night where he was all “I’m a good lad! I like having a bit of fun I’m a nice guy!” with anything from two years ago where Michael Cole couldn’t stop yelling about how much Sheamus just loved to hurt people and how he’s a crazy Mark-Cuban-murdering asshole.

Honourable Mention: I think Jack Swagger tripped over his gigantic tongue.

Or something. I don’t know what the hayell happened right there. I think it’s karma for him abandoning his eye twitch.

02/25/11 SMACKDOWN REVIEW: NO RUMBLE! NO CHAMBER!

Cody Rhodes was a quote machine on Friday. I'm pretty sure whenever I'm upset about something from now on, I'm going to exclaim "NO RUMBLE NO CHAMBER!" and then kick the ropes and do a back bump.

Here are my thoughts from this past Friday's SmackDown. You can find these pretty much exact same words over at Fair To Flair, where you can also find the inaugural Fair To Flair Show, which features me and the rest of the FTF guys (Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! and K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling) talking about what we want out of the new site, what offends you in pro wrestling, WrestleMania XXVII, and a lot more, including the words "boobies" and "dink" as being said by me, burned into the Internet forever.

SMACKDOWN 02/25/11

LIKED

Photo - WWE.com

THE FATHER/SON SET-UP

Don't you love seeing a father and son bonding over a Rey Mysterio beatdown? I know I do! There's too many things I liked about this to mention BUT HERE I GO ANYWAY:

- Dusty's forehead looking like a quilt after decades of blading.

- Cody Rhodes looking like Horace Grant with his protective mask.

- Dusty calling his son by his full name.

- Cody saying "… everyone is staring at me."

ALL AMAZING. And then there's the attack itself, which went on way longer than I expected. Cody beat the crap out of Rey Mysterio to the point where he may need surgery five times on his left knee. Rubbing his face on the grate was good. Chucking him into the digital mirror was great. Unmasking him and kicking him in his BARE FACE was awesome. This is my favourite angle on SmackDown right now, with the Kelly Kelly/Drew McIntyre "will they won't they" relationship as a close second.

VICKIE GUERRERO NEEDS YOUR HELP

When I watched Edge raise the roof and Teddy Long do his Tom Cruise dance and everyone laugh and point at Vickie Guerrero for being fired, I tried to picture how I'd feel if I was watching this as a 12-year old, and I'm pretty sure I'd be doing a jig around my living room (until my dad saw me, which at that point I'd change the channel and talk about hockey). Vickie begging everyone for help and just getting laughed at was awesome. I hope she comes back somehow. Maybe not as an authority figure of some kind, because that's pretty much run it's course. But if she could come back and make Kelly Kelly cry again, I'd be up for that.

BIG SHOW… ANGRYYYY

My favourite kind of Big Show: angry babyface who chucks jobbers around like one of those pet monkeys who escaped it's owner and ripped the neighbours' hands and faces off. He also gets a plus for wearing the kind of jacket that every dad in my hometown wears. And the Pam Beasley scream he let out wasn't so bad either. Either way, I prefer my Big Show mad and dominating as opposed to goofy or heel and slow.

Honourable Mention: Wrestling. I wasn't glued to the action or anything, but it was all mostly pretty fun. Kane and Rey had a good opener that led to the angle of the night, Swagger and Kofi had a short, but solid match, and Vickie Guerrero got speared by Kelly Kelly. Kelly Kelly also kicked her match off with a Kenny Omega-like step dance. I've talked a lot about Kelly Kelly. Next time I'll talk this much about Kevin Kelly.

SMACKDOWN 02/25/11

DISLIKED

Photo - WWE.com

NARRATIVE OF CONVENIENCE

The WWE love to change the rules to fit whatever finish they've concocted up. And I, being the nerd that I am, am going to whine about it on the internet.

Fellow Fair To Flair contributor K. Sawyer Paul likes to call this the "Narrative of Convenience." Let me explain: Barrett and Show are on the outside and the count is around seven. Barrett slides back in the ring, halfway under the bottom rope, until Show grabs his leg and pulls him back out. Normally, that would break the count. But this time, Big Show just slid back in the ring and won by countout a second later. It's weird that they could've done this any number of ways without ignoring rules that have been in place for fucking ever (citation needed), and I'm left writing a paragraph about it like a sweaty dork.

WADE BARRETT'S PUNCHES

For a guy who's gimmick is a "bare-knuckle brawler," Barrett's punches look like the front crawl or something. They're really big and lumbering and make me not think he could actually win a "bare-knuckle brawl." Maybe a Brawl For All.

LAST MINUTE DEL RIO APPEARANCE

I wonder if this feud will ever become more than what it is right now. As it stands, I feel like I've seen the same clip a few weeks in a row, with Del Rio attacking Edge and slapping on the armbar. That's cool and all, and I love simple feuds where a guy just straight-up wants something another guy has, whether it's a title, a briefcase or Terri Runnels as your personal slave. But part of me feels like this could get a little more heat behind it. Having Del Rio attack Edge just before the credits roll, after not appearing on the entire show before that, doesn't seem like the best way.

Honourable Mention: I'm still mad about Tough Enough, stop reminding me that I'll be seeing Miss USA instead of Austin Aries and Joey Ryan.

Hey WWE, you might want to stock up on guys like Aries and Ryan. These are the kind of guys who have the same kind of dedication, talent and experience as guys like Chris Jericho, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, and SO ON do, who are all dropping like flies. But no. You went with Rima Fakih. Thanks for that one.

And while I'm at it, I sure wish SmackDown would create some of it's own "can't miss" awesome moments like The Rock calling John Cena a kind of cereal or Triple H politely asking The Undertaker to suck him, instead of just replaying ones that happen on Raw for me to see. I'm definitely not taking away how sweet both of those moments were, and I completely understand why they get replayed on all the other shows… but let's get Del Rio doing something besides working Edge's arm for a series of weeks, and I'll be happy.

LETDOWNS 2010: THE NEXUS AS "RENEGADES"

Monday, June 7th, 2010. The craziest FUCKING thing the WWE has done in years happened. This:

After two solid years of PG programming lacking any kind of edge or true realism (save for the epic Jericho/Michaels, which happened pretty much right smack dab in the middle of the big switch to PG), the Nexus was born in the realest angle of all time. Or so it felt. Between Triple H's over dramatized home invasion/hunt for Randy Orton, and countless John Cena comedy feuds, it felt like we hadn't seen anything "real" in a long time.

And in came the Nexus. Wade Barrett and the seven other NXT Season One rookies eerily appeared, one by one, at ringside on RAW that fateful night. What followed was one of the most intense attack angles in WWE history. They took out everyone. Wrestlers, announcers, security, staff, you name it. They tore up the set, broke down the ring - and the glorious soundtrack to it all was the silence from the announcers' headsets and the shrieks from the crowd.

What made it especially terrifying (I was scared, okay? I peed a little. Alright, a lot.) was that these were familiar faces. We just watched weeks of these goofs flipping their hair and hanging out with Matt Hardy and trying to get terrible catchphrases over on NXT. But that night they were different. They were scary. Why were they so crazy?! What happened to the hair flipping?! It was like a creepy alternate universe for one night only.

Yep. One night. Because in the weeks and months that followed, we didn't get this scary, show-destroying "renegade" group. We got something different.

Like David Otunga singing on the George Lopez Show.

Or tweets from the Nexus Twitter about all the sweet deals we can get!

Or countless sitcom-like backstage segments where the Nexus talked and emoted like the cameras weren't there. I can't take David Otunga's lip-biting anymore. What the FUCK happened?

I will concede that sure, maybe it wasn't possible to give Nexus that same presence they initially had for an entire year. But did they have to get WWE brand t-shirts and theme music and a titantronand a catchphrase so quickly? Not to mention the fact that they went back to just the same old beatdowns that every other heel does in the company.

It's just such a change from how they debuted. I wish there was a way for them to truly commit to their characters. The Nexus could've been true renegades, and it would've been awesome. It seems like they tried at first. Even the second beatdown they did felt crazier than normal, run of the mill WWE beatdowns. And there was a rumour that they were told to not give autographs to fans and stuff - that's good enough for me! Just stick with that! But no, they had to get their stupid fucking theme music and lose everything that was ever special about them.

The John Cena/Nexus feud had some of the most memorable and goosebump-worthy moments of the year for me. But the feud also asked you to look the other way on so many small, logical details. I feel like if the Nexus were treated as true renegades, and kept as scary and unpredictable as they were that first night, it would've been a lot easier to overlook John Cena reading a novelty-sized scroll and the fact that the GM would ever legitimately agree to allowing Wade Barrett try and force John Cena to cheat for him or else he gets fired - think about that, that makes no sense.

Sure, the stipulation is that John Cena has to do what Wade Barrett says, get him water, raise his hand in the dressing room to make him feel good, whatever. But once it's "help me cheat to beat Randy Orton for the title" shouldn't the GM be like "uh, no, because that's breaking the rules and I'm the GM and won't allow that, or at the very least I won't fire John Cena for not helping you break the rules." I get that they wanted to put John Cena in a situation where he had to make a tough decision, and it's admirable that they wanted to do anything with him that wasn't about John Cena rising up and toppling insurmountable odds (it sure made for some epic video packages and fan reactions), but there was some definite plotholes that were hard to ignore once you thought of them.

WOW I've gone on forever about this. The Cena/Nexus feud wasn't even supposed to be the main focus of this post. This is about the Nexus as "renegades" and that's it.

Anyway, I'm going to cap this off with an excerpt from one of my own RAW reviews from earlier this year, where I think I summed up what I'm feeling right now better than I just did:

I still feel like it would make sense to call the Nexus a renegade group if they didn't have their own graphics and t-shirts and titantron videos and shitty music shit. If they're going to be a renegade group, keep them that way. Make it truly seem like they don't belong. Don't create Nexus brand crap. Have them come out to complete silence. Think about logic and believability before you think about selling a fucking t-shirt. Maybe when you do that, you'll sell more everything everywhere. Instead of just being like "WELP HE NEEDS A T-SHIRT" because everyone has one, think about the fact that these guys are called (by YOUR announcers!) a RENEGADE GROUP. Not a PRETEND RENEGADE GROUP JUST KIDDING GIVE US YOUR MONEY.

And I won't even accept the idea that it makes sense because they can sell the shirt to those smarks who oppose Cena and stuff, because it's not like that at all. That idea made sense for when Miz had his anti-Cena shirt. Then you sell that shirt to the anti-Cena smarks and you sell the Cena shirt to the Cena marks and everyone in the world has a WWE shirt. This needs to be kept as a "hey, these guys are fucking with our shit and we can't get rid of them and they're the scariest group ever created" not "hey these guys are fucking with our shit let's make them some t-shirts."

RAW THOUGHTS - 11/15/10: SLUTS, BITCHES, JIM ROSS AND ONE FEUD-SAVING PROMO

Before I hit you with an onslaught of random as-they-happen thoughts from Monday's Old School RAW, I should say this: what a great fucking show. As you'll see from what I wrote down while watching, I loved it. But what may have been the most shocking thing from this show was how much it made me not only understand the main event of Survivor Series, but get invested in it.

Leading up to this themed RAW, everybody (me included) was assuming that any attempt at a build for Survivor Series would get lost in a Wade Barrett & Repo Man vs. Randy Orton & Leilani Kai main event weird tag match or something. Instead, they brought in Roddy Piper to make Daniel Day Lewis quiver in his boots by delivering a promo with such chilling conviction that I accidentally pre-ordered Survivor Series as it happened. Okay, I didn't. And still won't. But this promo was DEADLY.

So here's what I wrote down during the show, which is mostly just me writing things in CAPS LOCK and then not and maybe swearing a bit and stuff, because that's how I watch RAW. Enjoy.

RAW THOUGHTS - 11/15/10

OLD SCHOOL

Photo - WWE.com

- Mean Gene's got one hell of a trembling microphone, which they are clearly trying to get out of frame. Good luck with that ALL NIGHT.

- Even with a stumble or two, Bob Orton can cut a meaner promo than the entire locker room.

- I love how beat up Miz's briefcase is from smacking people over the head with it.

- How can something as simple as guardrails and no flashy lights and ring ropes and all that stuff that's not supposed to matter… make this feel so much better. AND THE PICTURE IN PICTURE PROMOS. FUCK IT I LOVE IT.

- SEXUAL CHOCOLATE. Best RAW ever.

- I feel like there have been a lot more "Jerry Lawler likes inappropriately young girls" jokes lately. I also feel like this Mark Henry/Dolph Ziggler match has been a whole Vickie Guerrero shirt-load of fun.

- Did Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry kick out of the Zig Zag? Maybe he needs to remain in this sexually charged Mark Henry state.

- Has Tony Atlas been huffing WD40?

- I believe Yoshi Tatsu just committed Seppuku.

- David Hart Smith's suplex clinic ruled.

- BOO. Tyson turns on DH. For what, Tyson. For what.

- Mean Gene's face is moving in all kinds of places, as if there are small electrodes underneath his skin in random spots.

- I like the logic R-Truth brings to the table. Why the FUCK should John Cena care about Randy Orton? Sure, he stands for morality and all that is good in the WWE, so giving in to Wade Barrett would be against all that he is. But, if he were to use logic, why should he help Orton, who's attacked his fucking dad and tried to end his career in the past, when he could help Barrett, then just beat the shit out of him and challenge him to a match for the title which he will no doubt win? Truth is the voice of reason… or truth I guess. (EDITOR'S NOTE: watch for me to flip on this idea by the end of the show!)

- They really went all out with the Old School theme. Just like the old merch commercials with the TV's in the backgound. Great idea to sell merch, bad idea to sell Survivor Series, but everyone knew that coming into it. (EDITOR'S NOTE: this one too!)

- I kinda feel bad for some of the kids who probably just want to see the guys they know. But I guess this is one show out of a billion that isn't for them.

- Big Zeke loves to smile, doesn't he? They make it super easy. Good guys = smile, point, maybe skip to the ring. Bad guys = frowny faces.

- I don't think I can take another David Otunga lip-bite without scooping my own eyes out with a spork.

- Haha, referees in 80's wigs trying to split up a serious fight is hilarious.

- This Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, Santino Marella, Vladmir Kozlov, Slick song and dance segment is complete chaos. And I totally feel like they were just like "HO SHIT GET THE USO'S OUT THERE TO STOP THIS MADNESS"

- Snuka's hands always look inhumanly large to me. Like balloon animals or something.

- Uso's vs. Santino/Kozlov, winners become #1 Contenders to the tag titles by default because this is all we got left.

- Holy fuck. Can someone feed the babyfaces another line besides "you're a bully."?! Even though that was one of Morrison's better promos for sure, just saying you're a bully is so unintimidating and after-school special that it deflates anything I was feeling a second ago. I guess that's not JoMo's fault, since he sounded pissed and stuff. But… bully? C'mon guys. We're grown ups. And I don't even mean me. You're grown ups.

- Otunga threw the best move he's ever thrown in that criss-cross elbow to Kofi.

- Loved all of the extra random details thrown into the Sheamus/Morrison feud - yelling at a waitress in Milan for messing up his cappuccino, picking on flight attendants… too good. I can't even tell if I like this because of how ridiculous it is (picturing Sheamus ordering a cappuccino... THEN YELLING BECAWSE IT'S JOAST TOO HOT FOR ME IRISH TUNG) or how there's so much to this story we didn't know, and for no apparent reason. I thought Morrison was just sticking up for Santino because Sheamus was bullying him, not because he also bully's people on the road too! WHAT A BULLY!

- I want someone to make a montage of every "DAMN" segment that devolves into a musicless dance-off. I don't know what use I would have for it, but I can only assume it would solve some kind of epidemic in the future.

- Eve's aggressive dancing isn't old school or new school or any kind of school that teaches things.

- R-Truth with a somersault plancha.

- R-Truth with a big goober spilling out of his mouth.

- R-Truth with a big goober catapulting out of his mouth, after a big weird Wade Barrett elbow drop (am I the only one who finds his top rope elbow drops weird?)

- Can they do Attitude Era RAW next week? I just want to see how jarring it would be to go from this to blood and boobies and cussing' and jiggly-leg Rock stomps.

- Tito Santana introducing Alberto Del Rio, as being driven by Chavo Classic, with the ropes held open for him by the Mexicools. Okay not the last part.

- I love Alberto Del Rio. - I zoned out while watching the match and apparently wrote this but I have no recollection of doing so whatsoever. Turns out even my subconscious loves Del Rio!

- LOL. Mae Young drops a bomb! Amazing. SLUTS AND BITCHES.

- My favourite diva special move = call her diva friends with a conch shell to stand in a red rover line.

- J F'N R.

- JR and King embracing somehow brings a tear to my eye like when my mom and dad hug.

- HOLY FUCK YES. Bryan Danielson being called by Jim Ross. I love this show.

- My god. RAW has become a godly show in two seconds. Jim Ross calling Bryan Danielson vs. Jack Swagger. The All American American vs. the All American American Dragon.

- I love JR completely ignoring Cole. It's the only way.

- BIG FLYING KNEE FROM DRAGON

- EVEN BIGGER DROPKICK.

- Holy hell. Great match between Swagger and Bryan. Even if it had Michael Cole stink all over it.

- AND DIBIASE ISSUES HIS CHALLENGE. I think these guys could have some great matches. But so could Danielson and a cardboard cutout of David Otunga biting his lip.

- The sheer number of legends brought in for this show is pretty overwhelming. Not to mention all of the other changes to the show. Pretty impressive. See you Sunday, whatever PPV. (EDITOR'S NOTE: wait for it...)

- Best line ever from Piper. If you had a problem, you did something about it. Today, you emote about it for several months.

- Roddy Piper. Incredible.

- John Cena's emoting. I take it back. Also incredible.

- And now the booking of the SS main event makes more sense (EDITOR'S NOTE: there it is!). Sure, no one is tuning in to see what John Cena does during the match. You can find out that result online in seconds/on RAW the next night/whatever. If you're buying this PPV based on this match, you are buying it to see John Cena beat the holy piss out of Wade Barrett. And if THAT doesn't happen (Nexus run-in/whatever) then this PPV is a fail. Because that is all they are building to.

- Goddamn. Cena hits Barrett with the Attitude Adjustment. I really thought they'd wait until the PPV. … I should have known.

Roddy Piper put that match over more than anyone involved in it has for me. And it has nothing to do with him being an old school guy or anything. He just spelled out John Cena's motivation for me in a way that John Cena has yet to do.

Anyway, great show. There was rumour that they'd run another "Old School" RAW in the near future if they pop a rating (see how I used insider language there? I'M LEARNING!), but I do believe the rating for this RAW fell pretty much on par with what they've been doing lately, which is a bummer. I thought for sure they'd do well off of this show, but maybe the advertising just wasn't there for it or something.

Oh well. Looks like it's back to regular old RAW next week. Or maybe they could do a "future" RAW where Michael Cole is hoarse and grizzled and wrestlers don't wrestle in the ring, they shoot guns at each other, because it's come full circle to the extreme since Triple H runs the show and I haven't fully fleshed out this idea that I'm making up as I write this sentence so now the joke is over okay bye.

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH JIM JOHNSTON: WWE NXT ROOKIES

It won't be long until the eight NXT Rookies get narrowed to one winner who gets to strut out on RAW or Smackdown! to his own theme music. But I think it's time all eight of these dudes start coming out to music that they can call their own.

So here's what I would propose if licensing fees and copyright infringement were not an issue:

DAVID OTUNGA

DRAKE - "OVER"

David Otunga is all about being "A-List" and Hollywood and having his finger on the pulse of the latest trends. So he needs to come out to the hottest rapper out there. Drake's album isn't even out yet and he is blowing up all over the place. David Otunga hasn't even won NXT and he's already hosted RAW and fought for the Unified Tag Team Titles alongside John Cena. Seems like a good fit to me.

WADE BARRETT

MUSE - "UPRISING"

Manchester, England's Wade Barrett is the biggest, baddest, bare-knuckle-fightingist rookie on the NXT roster. He needs music that rivals his rich, brown-note baritone... sadly, no one in the music industry has a voice as low as his. So, instead, how about England's biggest rock and roll trio in Muse? This song definitely gives me the feeling of a dude who likes to punch people for fun.

DARREN YOUNG

LMFAO - "I'M IN MIAMI TRICK"

He's a party boy from Miami, and incredibly annoying and weird to look at. Hence, LMFAO's "I'm In Miami Trick!"

HEATH SLATER

THE HOLD STEADY - "SEQUESTERED IN MEMPHIS"

The lyrics don't really make sense, but the sound totally does. Heath Slater is a self-proclaimed "One Man Rock Band" and this song embodies that fun, good times rock and roll that he seems to be all about. I'm pretty sure he could come out and shake his tongue and hair to just about any rock beat.

SKIP SHEFFIELD

YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP

He shouldn't have entrance music. He should just be accompanied by these aliens.

JUSTIN GABRIEL

KINGS OF LEON - "CRAWL"

Gabriel would probably do a lot better with one of those generic new rock bands (see: any and all new themes in the past year) doing his theme, but c'mon, Kings of Leon are obviously the Hardys' favourite band.

MICHAEL TARVELLOUS MARC MERO

MARVELLOUS MARC MERO THEME

And finally, Daniel Bryan.

The only choice there is to be made, and this should come as nothing less than expected, is Europe's "The Final Countdown." Even though Danielson has an impressively cool taste in music (Art Brut, Simon and Garfunkel, Kimya Dawson), I don't think Moldy Peaches would make for the badass entrance music that Bryan deserves (as much as I wish it would).

DANIEL BRYAN

EUROPE - "THE FINAL COUNTDOWN"