SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VII: ADRIAN'S REVENGE

Uh. Hi.

So I've been gone a long time. Like a long time. Like left for WCW and a fat guy dressed as "Fake Pizzabodyslam" came out and you were like "wtf that's not the real pizzabodyslam, he's in wcw now wrestling under his real name, Grib Tendleman" long.

I've been gone for 683 days. TWO YEARS BASICALLY. I've missed like 87% of a 434 day CM Punk WWE Title run. I've missed the entire undefeated streak, and DEBUT for that matter, of The Shield. I've missed a Once In A Lifetime match and it happened TWICE. I'VE BEEN GONE FOR TWO LIFETIMES. 

Truthfully, I've only really been gone for a few months. I've been mostly keeping up over the past two years, but I legitimately missed a chunk of time when things got too busy. In fact, I've basically seen everything (here and there) right up until SummerSlam of this year.

Actually, I watched SummerSlam too. Well, most of it. I saw the whole thing but paused it right after Daniel Bryan beat John Cena for the WWE Championship. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't see, so I just called it a night. That show was perfect from top to bottom (well, almost bottom - still gotta finish it! haha but what could happen in like ninety seconds).

BUT, now that I'm back, I can start catching up! Alright, let me get settled here and bring up the DVR. Not sure why I feel the need to watch the very end of SummerSlam... I guess that little WWE copyright thing gives me comfort. Anyway, here we go, time to unpause and watch Daniel Bryan's uninterrupted title celebration of pure catharsis!

...

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

... is this the darkest timeline?

Sidenote: before I dive into this, I should point out that this won't be a typical SIBG post. I've had seven of these suckers now, and normally I talk about all the things I missed whilst neglecting this place. Because there's two lifetimes worth of dub dubby e I need to recap, I'll probably split it up into a few posts, to ensure my first post back doesn't gas me by being 90,000 paragraphs on Total Divas and then I disappear for a Shawn Michaels amount of time.

I don't know if I have much to say on the ending to SummerSlam. In fact, when it happened, of the two camps (the first being the WHAT THE FUCK FUCK YOU TRIPLE H I HATE YOU FOR REAL NOT AS A HEEL THOUGH FUCK RANDY ORTON'S STUPID SHINY BODY camp and the second being the Wait And See Where It Goes™, Brandon Stroud) I fell into the latter.

I so badly wanted to see Bryan have his untouched, unH'd moment of beating John Cena squeaky-ass clean in the middle of the ring. The fact that you can type the sentence "Bryan Danielson beat John Cena clean in the SummerSlam main event for the WWE Championship" and you're not the booker of a "real guys only" e-fed is fucking nuts.

BUT, I thought this was all going to lead to an even bigger moment. Because while I do feel that WWE has ruined basically every guy's "first" WWE Championship moment (the moments that made Shawn Michaels and Stone Cold and so on), by having Money In The Bank or two World Titles and chucking the belt on guys super early, it's the reality of the world (wrestling entertainment) we live in.

So while the SummerSlam moment was tarnished by the taint of Triple H forcing the back of Bryan's head into the mat, I've been solemnly praying to the non-JBL wrestling gods (are you there wrestling god, it's me, pizzabodyslam from internet), that we'll get our sweet, sweet WrestleMania payoff for Daniel Bryan.

That said, it was definitely a shock to my system to watch SummerSlam and then miss almost three straight months of wrestling, and then jump back in at Survivor Series. Seeing Punk and Bryan relegated back to the midcard after putting on arguably two of the best matches of the year on the same night, gave my wrestling boner a sad. And that Orton/Big Show main event? WOOF. Not to mention the next night on Raw featured a guest host, Orton/Cena angles and the commentary team screaming TWERK at nobody or nothing - it was like 2009 gave me a Bronco Buster.

But it all makes sense in my delusional stupid brain (not the bronco buster part). Having Bryan chase the title from SummerSlam all the way to WrestleMania would be brutal, if the goal is to have him finally take it back on the big stage. How rough are three consecutive screwy PPV finishes where he's H'd out of the belt? Imagine like SEVEN or whatever it would've been.

I don't know what will happen. Bryan wins the Rumble, Punk and Bryan both win the Rumble, Goldberg comes back to spear Bryan and hug Triple H, WrestleMania ends with Triple H STANDING TALL holding the unified WWE Title (and all of our collective nutsacks), I DON'T KNOW. But my stupid 11 year old wrestling fan heart is fluttering around thanks to my stupid 11 year old wrestling fan brain convincing me that one of those moments that happens once every few years that is so good it makes up for the relentless soul destroying shit we put up with is just around the corner.

Check back here around April and I'll either be gleefully typing more run on sentences in all caps about SummerSlam being worth it, or I'll have transformed into a real life Bray Wyatt, rocking in my rocking chair, my psyche finally obliterated by the stranglehold WWE has on me.

they been lyin' to you maaaaannnnnn

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI - TITLE FOR TITLE, CHAMPION VS. CHAMPION, THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE, SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Hello! And welcome back to my wrestling blogging website, which apparently only has content once a season that recaps whatever happened while I was gone for that time. I'm sorry I leave you so often, sweet blog. You still love me, right? Why don't we make love anymore? WHATS HIS NAME?

So I'm back again. But let's be honest, I'll probably be gone tomorrow and you won't see me 'til Since I've Been Gone VII - Adrian's Revenge.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

Photo - WWE.com

So after five of these recaps, you might remember that I tend to miss something big while I'm gone. Miz cashing in, WrestleMania XXVII, a nude Tayne John Cena, y'know the important stuff. This time around, I think I caused the thing I missed:

MATT HARDY

OUT-CRAZY'S THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR

WOW. BUDDY. Okay, um, Matt. I want to talk to Matt. Not Matthew. Is Matt in there? No Matt? Only Zuul?

Okay, Zuul, remember in my last blog how I gave you a Coach Taylor pep talk on how you can't let the Ultimate Warrior out-crazy you, and you need to get out there and be the best idiot you can be?

"I think [the Ultimate Warrior] showed up with a YouTube account to remind us that Matt Hardy eating grapes and tazing women isn't enough to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior. Jesus, even John Cena is out-crazying Matt Hardy! What happened Matt? Get on YouTube and show us what you're made of already! I do appreciate you burning your garbage and blowing up aerosol cans or getting bumshit hammered or giving cooking lessons to nobody, but do you think that's enough to keep up with the Ultimate Warrior swearing at a fictional lazy person? Or John Cena getting as naked and veiny as he possibly can and tweeting a picture of himself? NO. NO MATT. NO.

You need to pull yourself up by the cargo pant pockets and prove just who really is the craziest fucking idiot on the Internet. Grab your flipcam, kiss your brother, throw Shannon Moore into a pile of syringes, I don't care. Just be the best idiot you can be. I believe in you." - Me, August 17th, 2011

Remember when I said that?! DUDE I thought you were just going to post a video of you masturbating to your own action figure or something! I didn't think you'd actually take my advice to heart! You don't need to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior or nude Cena, you're your own crazy idiot and that's okay! Whatever happened to grapes? I thought they were the best thing ever?! STICK TO THE GRAPES MATT

Suicide videos and angel blood and DUIs aren't wrestling-crazy; they're actual-crazy. I just wanted you to take my rallying speech and go slip on a banana peel and make me laugh. But no, all you heard was CLEAR EYES FULL HEARTS CAN'T LOSE GO CRAZY VEEE ONEAHHHHHH BE WELL AND UNTIL THEN

KEVIN NASH

HAS AN OLD PERSON MOMENT AND TEXTS HIMSELF

Photo - WWE.com

A large part of me wishes that Kevin Nash texted himself from his own phone and has actually been at home this whole time, and what we've been seeing on TV every Monday since SummerSlam is the maniacal fantasies inside Kevin Nash's mind as he's at home playing with his wrestling toys on his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa. It'd be like the movie Identity (if anyone saw that and can replace the fat mental patient with Big Daddy Cool Diesel). That would at least explain what's been happening over the past few weeks.

So I know I've been gone for a while, and please correct me if I'm wrong here, but this is how I see Kevin Nash's return to the WWE thus far:

- Returns at Royal Rumble, doesn't pull anything, takes that as a sign to make a full comeback

- Thinks about it for half a year (presumably in his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa)

- Texts himself "omg cm punk wtf you're dead lol"

- "Sticks" CM Punk (his hilarious words, not mine)

- Thinks he made wrestling cool again by saying things like "hit the weights" and "get a clue" to CM Punk

- Got into a pretend car accident

- Got spotted by security cameras texting himself (embarrassing)

- Got hired by John Laurinaitis

- Was put into a match against CM Punk by Triple H

- Was replaced in the match against CM Punk by Triple H with Triple H

- Was punched by Triple H and fired by Triple H

- Tried to attack Triple H in the Triple H vs. CM Punk matches at Night of Champions, got sledge'd by Triple H and Triple H pinned CM Punk

- Attacked Triple H at Vengeance

- Attacked Triple H on Raw

- Triple H Triple H Triple H Triple Triple H

- Triple HHHHHHHHHHHHHH Triple HHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH HHHH

- HHHHHH Triple H

- HHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Soooo... yeah. At least CM Punk remained cool through all of this.

...

But then again, who the fuck would, when Triple H literally replaces the guy you're feuding with with himself so he can beat you, and STILL smash the guy you were feuding with in the face, and then go on to fight the guy you were feuding with while you team with Triple H and you're the one getting pinned in your tag team match holy goddamned what the serious fuck.

WWE SUBTLY STATES IT'S OPINION ON OCCUPY WALL STREET

SUBTLETY STILL NOT WWE'S STRONG SUIT

Photo - WWE.com

Hey, I wonder what WWE thinks of the Occupy Wall Street movement. I wonder if they support it, or if think everyone is a big annoying pussy for standing up against oh why would I even finish this thought. I find it completely MIND BLOWING that they would bury their entire roster (save for Triple H who, if you have never seen WWE, is REALLY AWESOME) in favour of making a shitty statement against protesters. If you haven't already, read Razor (of Kick-Out!! Wrestling)'s Fair To Flair article on the subject.

MARK HENRY AND BIG SHOW EXPLODE THE RING

THE SIMPSONS ALREADY DID IT

Photo - WWE.com

The instant Mark Henry and Big Show hit the canvas and smashed the ring into obliteratitry, the internet smashed itself into obliteratitry by shouting about Brock Lesnar and Big Show already breaking the ring eight years ago. This is a classic case of The Simpsons Already Did It, as told by South Park.

Because the WWE has been around for *checks watch* fucking ever, they've done everything. In fact, the entire business of wrestling used to be based on doing the exact same thing night-in, night-out in a different city every day (twice on Sundays © Ric Flair). But now, because the WWE is a global brand on TV in over 38796 countries (did you know?) unleashing anywhere from 6-12 hours of BRAND NEW programming every insufferable week, things kind of end up repeating once you do that for over fifty years (the revolutionary force in sports entertainment).

By the way, not only did Brock Lesnar and Big Show ALREADY explode the ring eight years ago, I'm pretty sure Kevin Nash has hit Triple H with a sledgehammer before. If exploding the ring is the point you're going to raise in support of "WWE has no new ideas" you are weird.

FURTHERMORE, if two people that weigh as much as Brock Lesnar and Big Show combined broke the ring with a superplex, then that ring better fucking explode when Big Show and Mark Henry do the same thing. If anything we should be praising WWE for establishing something eight years ago and following through on it. Ha?

FAIR TO FLAIR QUARTERLY #2

NOW OUT!

I can't do my first post in two months and not mention Fair To Flair. The second issue, which Jason Mann and I previewed a few months ago in this podcast, is now available to order in both physical and digital formats. AND you can also preview the articles that make up the new Quarterly by going here. I, once again, am not a part of this one, but wholeheartedly support it.

FTF has also expanded to include Garcian Smith (hey!). And one day I'll show up there again! Holy crap I've been gone forever.

DAVID OTUNGA GETS NEW GIMMICK

AND A THERMAL COFFEE MUG

This is only important because he is hilarious. BOWTIE

ALSO

OTHER THINGS

Photo - WWE.com

Considering my last post was August 17th, I've missed like 90 hours (barely exaggerating) of WWE TV. And that doesn't even count other promotions, OR things that don't happen on-screen, which means I've missed A LOT. Like Cody Rhodes bringing back the classic Intercontinental Title or ROH's debut TV show or Raw becoming a SuperShow or Smackdown remaining a Normalshow or Super Dragon returning or Teddy Hart inventing a promotion that is exactly like the kind of promotion Teddy Hart would invent or the WWE launching a cable network in like five months or James Storm winning the TNA Title or TNA still being a thing or Jim Ross being humiliated (hey another thing the Simpsons WWE already did) or John Morrison almost certainly tweeting about his plan to masturbate or Evil Sin Cara or Camo Big Show or Rise Above Hate Anti-Bully Bully John Cena or Wax Undertaker or Chocolate Kane or Cyborg Alex Riley okay I'm making some of these up but I missed SO MANY THINGS. SO MANY.

See you in fourteen months or whenever.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE V - WTF THOUGHT I WAS DEAD LOL EDITION

Hello anyone who has stuck with me despite my sporadic, lengthy and unexplained disappearances. If you continue to read my blog (or Tumblr or Twitter or anything I do on Fair To Flair) even after I abandon it for weeks upon weeks of International super-benders, you are my hero and I thank you. But, I can't promise it won't happen again. I could up and leave at anytime. I'm like your step dad. Unless if you have a step dad that really does leave you all the time. In that case, I'm something less offensive. Because I'd never really leave you! I love you! C'mon, let's go have a catch.

But then after that I gotta go out for smokes (don't wait up). Love you!

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

Photo - WWE.com

During my leave of absence (fifth one, if I counted correctly), as per usual, something HUGE happened and I missed it. For once can't nothing happen while I'm gone? Just send Melina out there to make faces for a few hours, no one will notice a difference. WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S FIRED?

While I try to accept this tragic loss, let's recap what I missed on my four previous wrestling-less sabbaticals:

SIBG 1: Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler, MOTY at Bragging Rights

SIBG 2: The Miz cashes in, wins WWE Title

SIBG 3: Matt Hardy gets dreadlocks

SIBG 4: WrestleMania XXVII

SIBG 5: The biggest event of the summer, not without controversy or John Cena putting it all out there for the WWE Universe...

SUMMERSLAM 2011 JOHN CENA EXPOSES SELF ON TWITTER

WE CAN ALL SEE YOU NOW EW

Photo - John Cena's outbox of shame

Here's the part where I, a grown-up man (as grown-up as a wrestling fan on the Internet can be), talk about John Cena's penis (which conveniently rhymes; I expect him to use it in one of his rapping songs [he still does rap songs, right?]). Well, not really his penis. More like his penis region.

For those who don't know (and if you don't know, it's probably a testament to your character as a citizen of the world), John Cena tweeted a very sexualized picture of himself (uh, on purpose). It depicts him completely naked in the mirror, with the photo cutting off just before U Can't See his penis.

I'm not going to call this appalling or offensive or whatever, but I will give you my first, immediate thought:

THIS IS FUCKING WEIRD.

It literally gave me the "heebie jeebies" (eye cancer).

I just found it so bizarre, ESPECIALLY because it came in a string of tweets where he was answering fans' questions, some of which were asking about a future heel turn. He responded in classic John Cena form by saying, essentially "I am me. I do what I do, and you decide my fate" blah blah blah, where he says he's always the same and it's up to the fans whether they like him or not. Then he tweets a picture of his cock. HE'S GONE FULL HEEL! OR AT LEAST HALF-CHUB HEEL.

The weirdest part about it is how WWE TV and John Cena himself have made a point of letting us know that children love John Cena. Obviously women love Cena too, but it's the children that Cena has literally (literally literally!) defended on television. He's given speeches about how proud he is to be a hero to children and how if kids like him it shouldn't be a detriment to him as a man. This all happened recently. He's a saviour to Little Jimmies everywhere, and maybe he wanted to show us his Little Jimmy I DON'T KNOW. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.

Let me put it this way. Had Shawn Michaels tweeted a picture of his penis region (or say, posed in Playgirl), I would be totally on board, because he is called a Sexy Boy; I know what I'm getting into. But if John Cena tweets a picture of his SuperDick, I might go, "hey, um, what the FUCK?!"

I'm trying to imagine what it would be like if Hulk Hogan or Steve Austin tweeted a sexualized naked picture of themselves to their fans, but my brain won't allow me to ruin all of wrestling for myself, so that's not happening. And it's one thing if it was a picture (like this one, or this one) that was dug up and posted on the internet by rabid fans. This was tweeted straight from the SuperHorse's fingertips.

Very strange and out of character both in and out of character.

Also very veiny.

The end.

SUMMERSLAM 2011

THE SECOND BIGGEST EVENT OF THE SUMMER

Photo - WWE.com

While I would love to write several paragraphs about Sheamus vs. Mark Henry or John Cena vs. CM Punk or Kelly Kelly impressing the shit out of everybody, I've already wasted about 90,000 words on John Cena's upper taint. So, instead, I'll point you in the direction of some fantastic reviews of the show, and then you can come back here to read about the most important figures in pro wrestling today, the Ultimate Warrior and Matt Hardy.

THE BEST AND WORST OF SUMMERSLAM 2011 BY BRANDON STROUD (WITH LEATHER)

I rep Brandon Stroud on this blog just a little bit less than Matt Hardy, but it's still an embarrassing amount. Go read his reviews. Derrick Bateman reads them. Do it for Derrick Bateman. Do it for Chicks and America. Do it for Maxine. That last part is for people who follow NXT, which may or may not include Derrick Bateman or Brandon Stroud or myself even.

SUMMERSLAM 2011 BY RAZOR (FAIR TO FLAIR, KICK-OUT!! WRESTLING)

In addition to abandoning this blog for several weeks, I also went missing from Fair To Flair. Thankfully, fellow FTF contributor Razor was there to make fun of WWE Cock Rock and Cee Lo Green, as well as give a very positive and fair (to flair) review.

HOW TO MAKE SOME FANS HAPPY, HOW TO MAKE SOME FANS UPSET BY K. SAWYER PAUL (FAIR TO FLAIR, INTERNATIONAL OBJECT)

In addition to changing gimmicks at blinding speed, K. Sawyer Paul has also provided the most succinct review of SummerSlam in two clever posts. He's also been taking over the sidebar of Fair To Flair with exactly what he promised - the best wrestling stories on the Internet. I can wholeheartedly say that if The Dirtsheets was a VHS tape of wrestling news, I'd be taping over that shit with Int'l Object even if I wasn't a part of FTF.

THE MASKED MAN (GRANTLAND, UH, TWITTER)

He doesn't have an article on SummerSlam, but his thoughts on Twitter are absolutely worth scrolling through. The Masked Man has brought wrestling writing to mainstream sports blogs like Deadspin, as well as Grantland, where he writes about wrestling alongside the likes of Chuck Klosterman and Bill Simmons. He also gives roommate reactions on Twitter, which provides such gems of insight as "He looks like a date rapist (roommate on The Miz)".

EDIT: Grantland just posted The Masked Man's SummerSlam article, Back to Unreality.

SEVERAL SUMMERSLAM POSTS! BY TOM HOLZERMAN (FAIR TO FLAIR, THE WRESTLING BLOG)

I'd be hard-pressed not to mention my blogging Brosa Mendes who wrote a review of SummerSlam, as well as individual posts about Sheamus/Mark Henry, Kelly Kelly and Commercials on PPV. If you want to read about SummerSlam, TH has every angle covered.

ULTIMATE WARRIOR

SMOKING ASS, OR SOMETHING? I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING ABOUT A GENIUS REAPER.

I think he showed up with a YouTube account to remind us that Matt Hardy eating grapes and tazing women isn't enough to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior. Jesus, even John Cena is out-crazying Matt Hardy! What happened Matt? Get on YouTube and show us what you're made of already! I do appreciate you burning your garbage and blowing up aerosol cans or getting bumshit hammered or giving cooking lessons to nobody, but do you think that's enough to keep up with the Ultimate Warrior swearing at a fictional lazy person? Or John Cena getting as naked and veiny as he possibly can and tweeting a picture of himself? NO. NO MATT. NO.

You need to pull yourself up by the cargo pant pockets and prove just who really is the craziest fucking idiot on the Internet. Grab your flipcam, kiss your brother, throw Shannon Moore into a pile of syringes, I don't care. Just be the best idiot you can be. I believe in you.

RING OF HONOR + PRO WRESTLING GUERRILLA

TV TAPINGS, DBD IX, STEEN VS. FINLAY

Photo - ROHWrestling.com

ROH taped their first show for the Sinclair Broadcasting Group this past weekend. I didn't read spoilers, since I will be able to watch the show on my actual TV (September 24th), which makes me happy. Okay, I did read one spoiler, but it had nothing to do with match outcomes, so that's fine.

Ring Of Honor also announced the first match for Death Before Dishonor IX in New York this September, which will feature Roderick Strong and Eddie Edwards in a "Ringmaster Challenge" match, that has nothing to do with both guys getting managed by Ted DiBiase and wearing white boots. It's a Two Out of Three Falls match where the first fall can only be won by pinfall, the second fall can only be won by submission, and the third fall, if necessary (it'll be necessary), will be a 15 minute Iron Man match. This will be the kind of match for fans with workrate boners, and they're letting you know ahead of time.

PWG's 2011 Battle of Los Angeles is happening this Saturday, with Kevin Steen vs. Fit FUCKING Finlay as the most notable match on the card. I don't think there's anything left to say. This is going to be the realest shit ever forever hyperbole ever.

HULK HOGAN

REGRETS INVESTING IN MEATBALL MACHINE

Thank you dirtsheets for providing me with this headline, and the endless laughter. You will never top this. Never.

...

That is all.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE IV - LIVE FROM TRUMP PLAZA

Or somewhere in communist Russia, depending on what IV you want me to reference.

This was the fourth time I've left this blog to fend for itself so I can go spelunking (not really), and it's also the longest I've left it without any real updates. The hardest thing about that is trying to get back in the saddle and write like I used to. So herw goesk nothgin.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

Photo - WWE.com

I was gone for over a month this time, so it goes without saying that I managed to continue the tradition of missing something completely huge. Let's recap, shall we?

SIBG 1: Bryan/Ziggler's MOTY at Bragging Rights

SIBG 2: Miz cashes in, wins WWE Title

SIBG 3: Matt Hardy gets dreadlocks

SIBG 4: ...

WRESTLEMANIA XXVII

DAMMIT

Photo - WWE.com

Of course, I missed WrestleMania. Kind of. Not at all, really. I saw it live in a movie theatre, but in my eyes that's still missing it, because I'd much rather be watching it completely bumshit hammered in the privacy of my own home. Uh, with friends too, to make it (slightly) less pathetic.

It's a little late to do a complete rundown of the whole show (maybe, if anyone's interested, I could do a full-on Like/Dislike for the show some time down the road), and I'm short on time/your attention span. So for now, I'll just mention my favourite and least favourite thing, and they were pretty much one in the same.

Favourite: the main event video packages. More specifically, the one made for The Miz, set to "Hate Me Now" by Nas.

HOLY CRAP. I always knew the WWE were in the video package business, but this is other level shit. Normally you can see through them. Like when Wade Barrett makes John Cena raise his hand in the locker room for no other reason but to reference that exact moment three weeks later in a video package. And it was even worse before that.

The WWE went through a shitty period a couple years back where every video package was the exact same: triumphant, orchestral hits that score John Cena on an unstoppable path to the title until -- EVIL VILLAIN enters and makes the screen go slow motion and hazy and sad Spanish guitar* plays.

* - interchangeable with dissonant Arabic singing.

But when a video package is so good that it's the most memorable thing about a FUCKING WRESTLEMANIA (save for Triple H/Undertaker, which I did like a lot), then you know you're doing something right.

I also liked the John Cena/DMX one, even if it made little sense with all the religion and God-lovin' and junk. But the gospel choir did make sense because John Cena loves his preacher voice.

Least favourite: the main event.

I don't want to get into this, because it's been beat to death a hundred times over (which happened to Michael Cole at WrestleMania, right? I missed that part. ahem.). But here's the bottom line for me: Rock vs. Cena should've been a month ago. Instead, it's next fucking year and WrestleMania 27 ended like a $65 episode of Raw.

Or, a $120 episode of Raw my three friends and I had to watch in public, with children and angsty teens taking sides on John Cena and the Rock all around us. GODDAMNIT

EDDIE EDWARDS

ROH WORLD CHAMPION

YEAH. This footage can really stiffen a nipple or two. Not only do I love Eddie Edwards, but I love a good rollup win - especially in ROH where it's not that common for a title change. Small aside - what do you think of when you think of a rollup win? Bret/Bulldog SummerSlam '92? Steamboat/Savage WrestleMania III? HBK/Jericho WrestleMania XIX? Bret/Diesel possum pin from an In Your House that I can't remember but I'm sure someone (Jason) will correct me on?

But that's not all that happened while I was gone...

CHARLIE HAAS & SHELTON BENJAMIN

DETHRONE THE KINGS OF WRESTLING

Photo - ROHWrestling.com

And also...

TOUGH ENOUGH

DEBUTS

Photo - USANetwork.com

NOT TO MENTION

SIN CARA

DEBUTS

Photo - WWE.com

PLUS

AWESOME KONG

TEASER PROMO

OH YEAH AND

EDGE RETIRES

IRL

Photo - WWE.com

AND THIS HAPPENED

BRIAN CHRISTOPHER

WHAT

Photo - WWE.com

I CAN'T STOP YOU GUYS

TEAM

APPLE

Photo - WWE.com

AND

MANY OTHER THINGS

Photo - WWE.com

My. GOD. There is too much to mention. I've been sitting here looking at this list of shit that happened since I've been gone, just VIBRATING from too much caffeine and this overwhelming task weighing on my shoulders (that I imposed on myself like an idiot).

So there you have it. A bunch of things happened since I last posted here. Now I can get back to talking about things as they happen.

Before I go, some quick shoutouts: thanks to the Fair To Flair fellers for covering for me and letting everyone know I was out on "assignment." And thanks to my blogging DZP (down with Zack and Pri-bro) TH for letting his readers know about my reblogs.

And lastly, some link changes. Brandon Stroud linked me to the new home for the Best and Worst of Raw, which has moved to With Leather. And fellow Fair To Flair contributor K. Sawyer Paul has rebranded The Footnotes of Wrestling to Aggressive Art.

THERE. Done all my announcements. Someone else do attendance while I put my head down on my desk for a while.