11/28/11 RAW REVIEW: I CAN'T WAIT FOR JOHN MORRISON TO GET HIS REVENGE NEXT WEEK

This Raw review is (or will be very soon) posted over at Fair To Flair (in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was hit in the knee with a lead pipe, carted out of the arena, and continuously carted through big, swinging double-doors that say “TNA”. I also picture the EMTs that carted him through the doors to come back through dusting their hands off enthusiastically).

Now let's all start reading the first Raw review I've done that actually went up the day after. Someone give me a gold star.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

LIKED...

RODDY PIPER IS JOHN CENA’S SPLINTER

I love that once a year, Roddy Piper has to come and literally slap some sense into John Cena.

Last year, right around this time, Piper showed up and essentially shook John Cena until he finally displayed an emotion other than “lofl”. This year (er, yesterday), he conducted a pro wrestler litmus test on Cena and managed to draw both a white hot reaction from the crowd and an emotional, real promo out of Cena, which almost… almost blew the John Cena character wide open.

Roddy Piper seems to be the only person who can tap into John Cena and bring out the best in him. He offers wisdom on the psyche of a pro wrestler (“when you cheered me I did good things, when you booed me I did bad things”). When he talks, people shut up, take a knee and listen. He sees the good in bad people and the flaws in good people. He likes pizza (I assume). He can make a funny. He’s John Cena’s Splinter.

John Cena wants to impress Piper. He wants to prove to him that he can figure shit out on his own and go all Raphael through the Foot on a rooftop without the help of a super-powered Hall Of Fame ring (I wonder if because Hogan’s ring gave Abyss “Hogan-powers” and he had the red and yellow and Abyssamania [actual word said by Hulk Hogan], then if Cena used Piper’s ring, he’d get “Piper-powers” and start being funny for real and not win any more World Titles and wear a kilt so The Rock could show up and go “HAHA GAY” and pass out laughing because John Cena is in a dress and that is like catnip for Rocky).

Just like Splinter teaching the Turtles how the real world won’t understand or accept them, Piper is trying to teach Cena to deal with the fans that boo him so when he shows up at WrestleMania, expecting to win, but he loses and everyone cheers, he doesn’t have a nervous breakdown. Piper is trying to turn Cena.

And WWE.com is trying to turn Cena. The Rock is trying to turn Cena. It seems that everyone is trying to get John Cena to freak the fuck out and start chucking people through barber shop windows and legdrop Randy Savage and blow smoke over John Morrison’s sparkly abs, but, as David Shoemaker and Brandon Stroud have been saying all along, he’s already heel. Turning him heel would only turn him face.

The John Cena character can’t change. Everything around him can, because there will always be a million ways to orchestrate both a scenario where he’s booed out of the building (i.e. Punk, Rock, ECW, etc.), and a scenario where he assembles a team of SuperFriends to take out the Nexus and get cheers that bring the building down. Y’know?

That said, I’d still like to see John Cena tell The Rock he hates his fucking guts and then kick him in the dick.

DOLPH ZIGGLER DEF. RANDY ORTON (FT. WADE BARRETT DEF. COMMENTARY)

I think the best example of Ziggler’s new “show off” gimmick would be a weekly series called “What Can Dolph Ziggler Get A Good Match Out Of” where he wrestles different people and objects that you expect him to not be able to even wrestle, let alone get a passable match out of, but he blows everyone away when he DDTs himself and takes a nearfall from a porcelain birdbath.

This match was great. Maybe not quite as good as their last one on Raw, but still great. It was also aided by Vickie Guerrero yelling “FINISH HIM C’MON FINISH HIIIIM” from the VERY BEGINNING of the match. I love the idea that Vickie has no understanding of what goes into a wrestling match and right from the bell she’s just all “FUCKING KILL HIM ALREADY, GOD-UHHHHH”.

I can’t remember the last bad Dolph Ziggler match I saw. All the way back to his first match as Ziggler vs. Batista was awesome. Now he’s to the point where he’s wrestling two matches every Pay-Per-View and doing headstands after beating Randy Orton. I can’t wait for the day where he spins The Undertaker on his finger and 360 dunks off a step ladder.

Side note: Wade Barrett on commentary looked and sounded as sharp as Mason Ryan’s nipples.

DANIEL BRYAN KICKED MARK HENRY’S LEG OUT OF HIS LEG

Michael Cole brings out the best in Daniel Bryan. He’s like his Splinter.

Aside from the weak “we want Big Show” chant that made me want to heel hook my TV, this was a star-making promo from Bryan. Cole was an insufferable douche, which turned Bryan into a man of bearded conviction, which brought out Mark Henry (who is, to remind you, “half-way injured”) to get kicked in the leg.

I don’t expect Danielson to win the belt tonight. And if Mark Henry isn’t going to take the belt all the way to WrestleMania to defend it against Bryan, I could get behind him cashing in on Big Show at TLC, and turning “I’ve got ‘til 5” heel as champion.

Honourable Mention: Punk vs. Del Rio (a.k.a. wrestling, a.k.a. this is the kind of Raw people beg for after a Raw that is 97% shenanigans, a.k.a. even with Punk being wacky and saying “ass” and referencing Google searches [which incidentally brought me to a video titled “Del Rio Is A Boring Cunt”], the match itself was still great).

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

DISLIKED...

THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE JOHN

There really wasn’t too much to not like about John Morrison’s send off.

He got his leg lead piped out of his leg. He was staying gangster and stunting with Alex Riley before the match. He did that thing where he wrestles like his Pajama Jeans are too tight. He was killed off and I’m pretty sure John Laurinaitis came out for a “Future Endeavoured” Ron Simmons “DAMN” type punchline while he was on the stretcher (it’d be pretty great if he kept doing that anytime someone was about to get fired - he comes out, gives a derpy look of disapproval, and buries himself in his Blackberry until JTG gets wheeled away).

But for some reason, I’m still not sold on angry, solemnly Awesome Miz. He’s been reestablishing himself for the better part of this year with IMPACTS and STATEMENTS and IMPACTFUL STATEMENTS and STATED IMPACTS and I just miss the The Miz that had more charisma than that.

CAN I BORROW SOMEONE’S DIVAS SIGN LANGUAGE DICTIONARY

Every Divas match starts with a sign language mini-game that someone needs to subtitle. I get the Bellas calling their opponents “losers” by making an L out of their fingers and putting it on their head (that’s Divas Signing 101), but can someone decode Alicia Fox’s hand jive from last night? Even Natalya’s convoluted three-step YOU’RE GONNA CRY KELLY hand signals make some semblance of sense, but I think Alicia Fox was going off script there. Then again, pro wrestling signing typically doesn’t get more complicated than “YOU. ME. TEAM? BIG NOD” so I’m not exactly fluent.

THAT’S GOTTA BE (A CRAPPY) KANE (RETURN VIDEO)

It is crazy to me that a guy like Kane, who has TONS of built-in story and imagery and fire and death and brother murder and hell and brimstone and biblical fucking shit can’t even get a GOOD comeback video. Instead of using anything even remotely cool or creative, they decided to give Kane an HPV awareness commercial return video.

While I’m talking about video packages, I want someone to a/b that Sheamus video from last night where he was all “I’m a good lad! I like having a bit of fun I’m a nice guy!” with anything from two years ago where Michael Cole couldn’t stop yelling about how much Sheamus just loved to hurt people and how he’s a crazy Mark-Cuban-murdering asshole.

Honourable Mention: I think Jack Swagger tripped over his gigantic tongue.

Or something. I don’t know what the hayell happened right there. I think it’s karma for him abandoning his eye twitch.

04/25/11 RAW REVIEW: THE 2011 WWE DRAFT

You may notice that I'm only posting Raw and Smackdown reviews on here now. That hopefully won't always be the case (although it is simple enough), but I've been pretty busy lately and I've had to ween myself off Matt Hardy YouTube videos and all the other very important things that I normally get up to.

So for now, enjoy this Raw review. Like five days late. Shutup.

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art (and now our newest addition, my blogging Dusty Brodes TH of The Wrestling Blog) to form a site that's less about cynicism, rumours and spyware and more about tumblr and spyware (not really). Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Credit to Jason for editing yet another one of my later-by-the-week reviews.

RAW: WWE DRAFT EDITION

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

R-TRUTH VS. LITTLE JIMMY AT EXTREME RULES

In a “Who Is More Crazy?!” gauntlet match between the crazy guy and the fictional child the crazy guy made up and cut a promo on.

Listen, the Internet, I know we’re all divided when it comes to R-Truth and his newly made public-smoking-fetish heel turn… but can’t we just agree that he is ****ing hilarious (unintentionally)?! Since Bryan Danielson stopped wrestling the shit out of people on free TV, the most entertaining thing for me on Raw has been unintentional comedy. R-Truth is a pioneer in this field.

Whether he’s beating the censor, walking right into the crowd’s WHAT chants (he said “y’know WHAT!?” and then the crowd said “WHAT” and he got mad - c’mon man, that one actually made sense!), or getting beat up in mid air-hump (as much as a guy can get beat up by John Morrison), R-Truth is the Lenny Bruce of unintentional comedy.

Seriously though. There is nothing like getting punched in the back of the head at ramming speed when you’re in the middle of a pelvic thrust. And that’s the TRUTH.

BOOYAKA BOOYAKA BYE BYE BYE

Cody Rhodes is a perfect mixture of all the things that make wrestling awesome. He’s old school, crazy, a complete caricature of a deranged human being and has family who wrestle that he can consciously or subconsciously reference in a promo (anybody catch that Goldust sneer at the end?). He also has a lisp and will still try and say the word “anesthesiologist” on national television.

But I’m going to stop talking about Cody Rhodes, because Brandon Stroud of With Leather sums up what he said about Rey Mysterio in a way that brought me to tears. So just read that and promise you’ll still come back here. I’ve got so many great jokes lined up! Isn’t JTG so c,md fm,vmc,

RANDY ORTON IS THE NEW R-TRUTH OF UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY

Anyone else notice that while everyone was wearing a Raw T-shirt together backstage, Randy Orton was just sitting amongst them wet and shirtless? Or maybe you heard him say the phrase “unconscious” sleep, as to clarify for CM Punk that he wasn’t going to beat him at Extreme Rules with diazepam.

Randy Orton actually may not even be the new R-Truth of unintentional comedy, because I think R-Truth is totally biting him.

Honourable Mention: CM Punk and Alberto Del Rio top rope hugging and kissing.

Or, if No Mercy taught me anything, would that be SUPER Hugging and Kissing? I wish my whole review could’ve just been this gif.

RAW: WWE DRAFT EDITION

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

RANDY ORTON AND JOHN CENA DRAFTED TO SMACKDOWN ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS THE REVOLUTIONARY FORCE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT

Except it can’t.

But that’s not even something I’m upset about. I’m more upset about Michael McGuillicutty and David Otunga high-fiving for Raw draft picks, or any wrestler other than Kofi Kingston doing Kofi Kingston’s taunt when Kofi Kingston wins a draft pick for Smackdown. None of this shit makes sense, and I don’t even see the reason for it. Is it supposed to make us feel like the wrestlers (action soap-opera superstar movie machines) feel that the WWE Draft is a big deal too? Even though we don’t?

I’m sure there is a much better and more logical way to go about that than putting everyone in a colour-coded t-shirt (pretty sure if the Rock walked in the room and saw them he’d have a “LOL FROOTY PEBBLS!! you’re all! wearing! coloured! SHIRTS!! AHHHGHHGGGG” overload and fall down) slapping hands and cheering for things that do not matter at all. Hey, Tyler Reks, you seem excited that Randy Orton is coming to Smackdown. Great, except that you’ll probably never wrestle or see him, so go do cartwheels elsewhere. Maybe look into some soap.

Although, the more I watch it, the more I feel like all of the wrestlers know it’s stupid and are just taking the piss (I use British turns of phrases to make myself sound cultured).

EVE “BJJ-STUDENT” TORRES

“Okay, Eve, you’ve only got like thirty-five seconds tonight. Not even. Michael Cole will start shouting about twenty-five seconds in. You just need like one move. You can handle that right? I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’s literally less than a half of a minute. That can’t be enough time for you to **** something up. Now get out there and wrestle like only Eve Torres can!” - Vince McMahon (not really) (but seriously)

Can Awesome “kHARMa” Kong show up and champagne-cork her head off already? Do I have to say this every week?! Better question: do I have to watch every week?

JIM ROSS BEATDOWNS > JOHN MORRISON BEATDOWNS

That shouldn’t be true but it FOR REAL IS. Jim Ross struck Michael Cole until the bottom half of his face bled blood. BLED BLOOD. John Morrison held R-Truth by the wrist and leaned his forearm on him a couple times, until a pair of referees (y’know, the guys in striped shirts that lie down in unconscious sleep for an hour if touched by a wrestler) pulled him away.

To clarify for anyone who doesn’t know what these two people look like, Jim Ross is a 59-year-old man of heft who suffers from Bell’s palsy, and John Morrison is a young man with more abs than digits on his body. Actually, from that description, I would believe that the angry old man could deliver a more convincing beating than the sparkly-trousered ab guy. So whatever.

Honourable Mention: Booker T

Direct quote from Booker T: “Y’know I wouldn’t miss it for the world right now I can only imagine what these guys are going through I been there myself y’know and the anxiety that they’re going through I can only imagine I don’t even wanna talk about it”

Bonus Honourable Mention: Me for being way late on this. Sorry guys. Consider this the supplemental online draft version of a Raw review or something.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Aggressive Art, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Tom Holzerman - The Wrestling Blog, on Twitter, on Tumblr

WWE TLC REVIEW: THE SECOND BEST WRESTLING PPV THIS WEEKEND!

I watched two wrestling pay-per-views this weekend. One I watched with a group of friends, having some beers and a shouty good time. The other I watched stone cold sober, by myself, whilst cramming a Pizza Hut pizza into my face. Let's see if it's true that your surroundings can affect your mood!

WWE TLC: TABLES, LADDERS & CHAIRS

LIKE: SHEAMUS/MORRISON

DISLIKE: $45 FILLER

Photo - WWE.com

Fifty-five if you got the HD feed, which I did not. I wish you could allocate portions of your $55 to parts of the PPV, so the next time they do a PPV, they know what paying customers are paying to see. So I'd give like thirty-five bucks to Sheamus and John Morrison, ten bucks to Alberto Del Rio's plunge to the outside, five to Natalya's improv-splash, five to John Cena's obliteration of Wade Barrett, and I'd ask Kane for whatever he's got in his pockets.

LIKED

- Sheamus vs. John Morrison. This was without question the highlight of the entire show. It was great for every reason you could think of. It was an awesome match, the ladder didn't feel like it was thrown in there and they had to use it (like it can feel in some matches), the selling was perfect, there were big spots, plenty of suspense, and the match made the WWE Title seem even more important based on how long and brutal they went at it. The best part is that I'm not a big Sheamus fan (I don't "laich" him) and John Morrison might be the definition of hit and miss to me. This match had me on the edge of my seat with two guys I normally don't care about. That's the sign of a good match right there.

- Parts of the World Title TLC match. By then the gimmick had worn out it's welcome (two ladder matches and several table breaks earlier in the night), but they still managed to get some good stuff in. It's a shame that it was so obvious that this match was there for the big stunt spots, while Morrison and Sheamus had more of a focus and purpose and stuff.

- Alberto Del Rio's plunge from the top of the ladder to the outside through a table. He looked he hit the ground at warp speed.

- Natalya's obviously improvised splash through Lay-Cool, which made the match/finish WAY BETTER. So awesome. And not to mention Natalya's "YOU GUYYYYYS. YOU GUYYYYYS." after the match.

- Beth Phoenix landing on her head like twice in that match.

- Kofi Kingston's ability to make up new moves with ladders. Not every match has to be about coming up with new shit to do with the ladder, we mostly just want a good match. But when you have an entire PPV devoted to the TLC gimmick (not to mention an annual MITB match AND PPV), someone's going to have to do something different. It seems like Kofi will never run out of parts of the ladder to jump through/attach to himself.

- The seeds being planted for Cena/Punk. At first, I wasn't sure if Cena was the one Punk was talking about in his Slammy acceptance speech. But now it's pretty clear - why else would they have Punk call that match if not to have some more sound bites of CM Punk not approving of John Cena. When this match happens at WrestleMania, it's going to be fucking awesome.

- The double finish to Miz/Orton. Mike Chioda calling the bell after seeing Orton lying in some table shards was pretty ridiculous, even if it did get people to boo Miz out of the friggin' country. But then having Miz STILL outsmart Orton after the restart was awesome, and should set the tone for his reign. I'm excited to see more matches where the Miz has to scramble and figure out what he has to do to hold onto the belt he loves so much.

DISLIKED

- Themed PPVs. It's not like I see numbers on these things or whatever, so I can only speak about their success in terms of watching it as a fan. It sucks knowing that Sheamus/Morrison could've stood out THAT MUCH MORE if this was just a regular PPV with stipulations added naturally, instead of being forced on matches like Miz/Orton and Barrett/Cena. By the end of it, I just didn't care anymore. It took John Cena to line up eight folding chairs and hurl Wade Barrett through them (and then dump a row of chairs onto him (kinda)) to get my attention, which sucks, because I was ready for this match to be exciting.

- John Cena covering Wade Barrett before dropping chairs on him. WTF. Don't do that spot if you can't just DO IT, instead of being like "hold on let me cover you up because this'll hurt and wrestling's fake!" It sure looked cool (if you didn't see the wooden shield). Maybe they can edit out the weird wooden Wade Barrett-protector out for the DVD!

- Kane's Christmas promo. Yeah. He cut a promo on Christmas. The Kane character is getting more goofy by the second. With Kane cutting a promo on Christmas, he's forcing me to think of a Little Red Machine looking out at the kids playing on Christmas all sad while he just sits in his home with Paul Bearer in a Christmas sweater and Kane probably in the same stupid pants he's been wearing forever now.

- The tag match for no reason. And the Big Show Santa Claus promo for no reason. When you buy a PPV on your own (I have friends, I swear!) and you know you're shouldering the entire cost of this thing, it stings that much more when the Big Show comes out for ten minutes handing out copies of his STUPID FUCKING STRAIGHT TO DVD FAILURE MOVIE. I literally got angrier as that sentence went on. And the tag match was just chucked on there, because yeah, you've gotta break up the endless gimmick matches THAT YOU FORCED ON YOURSELVES. WOW I gotta keep my rage in check. But seriously. If we're paying any kind of money for something, I'd appreciate it if we got some surprises on the card that were at least worth getting. Like, for example, the Daniel Bryan/Ted DiBiase dark match that went on before the PPV. Anyway. Frig.

- Big Show calling Cody Rhodes unfunny. That statement is so backwards that I want to punch a hole through my own face and sell it with a back bump.

- The weird running gag with Nexus and Cena backstage. "haaaay!"

- Most of Miz/Orton. I almost forgot it happened. Maybe it's because...

- It was a Tables match. All that the announcers talked about during the tables match was how dumb tables matches are. At least with Ladder matches, there's a logical goal. Climb the ladder and be the first to retrieve (or "gain custody" if you're Tony Chimel) the belt/contract/wedding ring, whatever. With a tables match, you're just waiting for the stunt. And the wrestlers know how dumb it is - you could just fall through a table and all of a sudden you're not the best wrestler in the world anymore. The idea that Miz could drag Orton onto some table shards, point the referee in the right direction and he wins, is dumb. I'm glad they overturned it for the sake of Mike Chioda's reputation (yeah I am concerned about a referee's reputation in a fake sport). With the TLC PPV, all of the other matches seem to have a point (although the Chairs match doesn't really make total sense either), and aren't constantly being argued by announcers and wrestlers how stupid they are. Tables matches should've been left behind with the Attitude Era. I wish I could articulate my point better. But I can't because my brain has melted from watching naked men pretend to fight each other all day every day.

The last thing I will say is this. I expected this PPV to completely bomb with me considering I watched Final Battle the night before. But thanks to John Morrison and Sheamus, this review isn't a total top-to-bottom trashing of TLC. But it still fell short of what ROH did on Saturday, because c'mon guys, that shit was crazy.

09/20/10 RAW REVIEW: COMMENTARY VS. WRESTLING

This is the only way I can describe how it felt to watch tonight's RAW: It's as if I was watching the show, paying attention to a match, and Michael Cole entered my home and starting poking me and tugging at my arms but I couldn't tell him to fuck off because he was actually on the TV screen and not in my home. Make any sense? I'll try and explain.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW - 09/20/10

LIKE: MIZ & A-RI'S ROUGHING UP OF DANIEL BRYAN

DISLIKE: MICHAEL COLE DERAILING THE SHOW

Photo - WWE.com

LIKED

- DH Smith's Drew McIntyre impression.

- The good and bad of what's going on with John Morrison. Holy hell. Okay, there is some bipolar shit going on with whoever is behind the recent focus on his Parkour stuff. First, it's awesome that they're showcasing it since it totally adds an entire new dimension to Morrison. So they show the replay from last week where Morrison applied his Parkour training to his match with Sheamus, and then they show him warming up backstage. BUT THEN, they do that weird Tim & Eric Awesome Show extreme zoom-in on his face for some reason right after he flips his hair back. It's not an accident, because they did it last week too. So they saw it then and were like, "hey, looks great, PRINT IT!" and now they're doing it again. It's clearly a choice and an idea someone came up with, zooming in on his face like there should be a slidewhistle sound accompanying it. It's so weird. Phew. But the focus here should really be on the crazy shit Morrison has pulled out two weeks in a row now. Even if he punches weird, he is doing some bonkers stuff I've never seen before, so that makes up for it.

- Zack Ryder/Edge budding bromance. I like these two together. Ryder can be funny without making me smack myself in the forehead, because it makes sense, and he's not banging chalk brushes at a nun while being taught by Teddy Long how to speak.

- Also, back to Morrison. He looks way cooler and way less lame when he doesn't do his Melina posedown during the slo-mo fireworks. Tonight he just took off his coat and glasses and walked on. If they turn him into some kind of real life superhero (not like Cena) then I'm all for it, no matter how hokey that sounded to me right after I typed it.

- Michael Cole may as well have been reaching across the table to jerk Miz off when he showed up. That was hilarious, no matter how much it truly annoyed me deep down to my core.

- Bryan Danielson using the Ride of the Valkyries as his theme music. That is awesome. So are all of the comments that are already up on this song's YouTube video (including the one guy pointing out that this is in fact also Sara Del Rey's theme music).

- Edge vs. Daniel Bryan and the beatdown that followed. This entire segment made the show worth watching. Edge and Danielson may have had a pretty good match, although it was hard to tell what with all of the super distracting bickering going on at the commentary booth. Alex Riley (now signed to a "personal services" contract, lofl) and Miz beating down Danielson was great. It pissed me off and made me want to see Bryan make Miz tap out again. That, along with Edge's infuriated rant towards the omnipresent general manager, made this the segment of the night. And I can't stress how awesome of a pairing Miz and Riley are. They look like two spoiled rich kid buddies fell out of a teen movie.

- Chris Jericho playing internet private detective.

- John Cena adding a dropkick to his moveset being news! Not only that, but he delivered one last night to someone and totally whiffed on it.

- The final segment. Cena actually seemed to bring it in this promo, same for Wade Barrett. The booking of the main event had the crowd hot as Michael Cole's taint after shaking The Miz's hand. But I'm going to touch on Cena in a second here...

DISLIKED

- John Cena is a strange character. Going into a match, all he cares about is the WWE Title, the WWE Universe, the WWE, etc. It's the most important and most serious and most preacher-voice-worthy thing ever. He's our hero and will only settle for victory. Then the next night, after he loses, he jokes and plays it off and doesn't really care. He smiles and passes his loss off as nothing. How long can this go on before people are like "why should I believe that you care about something when you show time and time again that you don't?" Maybe I'm nitpicking, but the video package for Night of Champions had about twelve quotes from Cena saying THIS IS ALL I GOT!!! and then he lost but it doesn't matter.

- Randy Orton needs to remain a badass. He's walking a fine line right now where I can sense some pointing and smiling on the horizon. Thankfully, he still talked about RKOing grandmothers, so he's not there yet. I wonder if Sheamus' grandmother would take the RKO by jumping into it headfirst like Sheamus does.

- Also, I still don't understand the Sheamus character. Does he believe what he says? Is he scared of people or not? He says he's not, but runs away all the time. He says he ended Triple H's career with his bare hands, but he used a pipe. He says one thing, does another. But no one questions him. The announcers, wrestlers, whoever, they just keep trying to convince us that he's dominant and dangerous and whatever other thing they want us to believe.

- R-Truth's new song is SO BAD. What's Up worked because it was at least catchy on some basic level. This song is so goddamned bad. Doesn't everyone realize that rap and rock NEVER WORK?! STOP IT. JUST STOP. FUCK. They really should've tried to get someone good to help him write the song. This song is literally less catchy and relevant than "Gettin' Rowdy" and I'm not saying that to be funny at all, it's actually how I feel. Having Eve do her aggressive dance moves does not help. Nor does it distract anyone from how terrible this is.

- After writing that rant, Ted DiBiase's new theme came on. ...

- And finally, Michael Cole. He was in fine form tonight. Normally, I can totally dig Michael Cole's heeling out at times, but it has to make sense. His attempt at burying the Hart Dynasty in the most forced sounding way (right when he introduced them) was ridiculous and awkward. The rest of the commentary on that match was so distracting and frustrating and didn't put anyone over. Not even the heels in the match - he was just giggling about Cody's legs. So the commentary didn't help the match, it didn't help the guys on guest commentary, nothing. It was just five minutes of chaos on the ears while you tried to watch what seemed like it could've been a fun match.

Cole zapping back and forth between heel Cole and company shill Cole is completely jarring to watch. The heel stuff made way more sense when it was just on Bryan Danielson - Michael Cole is a company shill and is offended that Danielson has been getting so much praise for what he's done on the indies, and yet he's done nothing in the WWE. Therefore, Cole hates on him. Makes sense. Michael Cole raking the Harts over the coals (pun not intended) makes no sense.

Even Cole himself doesn't know what he believes. At one point he talked about how much he loved it when Jericho calls people (a.k.a. John Morrison, a guy he was just putting over in that same match) a "stupid man." King quickly pointed out, "why would you like that?" And Cole admitted himself that he'd been called that by Jericho and he didn't know his name for about 10 years or so. Is he schizophrenic? A masochist? WHAT ARE YOU

If this somehow leads to Michael Cole leaving commentary in favour of being a manager, then colour me ELATED. He could join up with Miz and A-Ri and instantly keep them from turning full-blown face. Not only that, but when the time was right to turn Miz, they would have an easy way - beat the living shit out of Michael Cole. But I get the feeling this isn't happening.

They need to sort this out because my brain already hurts enough when I watch this show.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON WIKIPEDIA: TEAM WWE'S SUMMERSLAM RECORD

Ever wonder what Team WWE's combined record at SummerSlam is? Ever spend an entire morning skipping breakfast to rifle through Wikipedia to find out? No? WELL YES ON BOTH ACCOUNTS FOR ME.

Spanning 29 matches on 21 events in 22 years (no one on the team wrestled at SummerSlam '96, but I'm sure Sycho Sid is available to fill that role), the Superstars of Team WWE know their way around the hottest event of the Summer. However, only one member of the team truly knows his way around actually winning matches at SummerSlam. But before I get to that, let's see what Team WWE has in wins and losses, and how that will stack up against the Nexus' 0-0-0-0-0-0-0 record:

TEAM WWE

18 WINS - 14 LOSSES

Photo - WWE.com

Pretty strong record, above 500. But who's carrying most of the dead weight here? Cena? Bret? Jericho? NOPE.

EDGE

7 WINS - 2 LOSSES

Photo - Fuck Yeah, Edge! Tumblr

1998: Edge and Sable def. Marc Mero and Jacqueline

1999: The Acolytes def. Edge and Christian et al (Tag Turmoil)

2000: Edge and Christian def. The Hardy Boyz, The Dudley Boyz

2001: Edge def. Lance Storm

2002: Edge def. Eddie Guerrero

2004: Edge def. Chris Jericho, Batista

2005: Edge def. Matt Hardy

2006: Edge def. John Cena

2008: The Undertaker def. Edge

Edge went on an absolute TEAR at SummerSlam, winning six consecutive matches, until running into the Undertaker who kinda has a thing about streaks. But I still think Edge has a fair case for being Captain of Team Cena. And who woulda thunk that Edge's first tag team win at SummerSlam was with Sable?

Let's see what the rest of Team WWE was up to while Edge was beating everyone up (including members of his own team):

BRET "THE HITMAN" HART

5 WINS - 4 LOSSES

Photo - Fuck Yeah Hart Family Tumblr

1988: Demolition def. The Hart Foundation

1989: The Brainbusters def. The Hart Foundation

1990: The Hart Foundation def. Demolition

1991: Bret Hart def. Mr. Perfect

1992: The British Bulldog def. Bret Hart

1993: Jerry Lawler def. Bret Hart (DQ)

1994: Bret Hart def. Owen Hart

1995: Bret Hart def. Isaac Yankem

1997: Bret Hart def. The Undertaker

On his own, Bret's much more impressive at 4-2. Maybe teaming up at SummerSlam isn't a good idea? Maybe he should rethink those jorts too?

JOHN CENA

3 WINS - 3 LOSSES

Photo - WWE.com

2004: John Cena def. Booker T

2005: John Cena def. Jericho

2006: Edge def. John Cena

2007: John Cena def. Randy Orton

2008: Batista def. John Cena

2009: Randy Orton def. John Cena

Cena has only wrestled one match at SummerSlam that wasn't for a Championship, and he lost it. He's also never teamed with anyone at SummerSlam. He's also a Superman type character. All of these things are worth considering, if you think wrestling is real.

CHRIS JERICHO

2 WINS - 5 LOSSES

Photo - WWE.com

2000: Chris Benoit def. Chris Jericho

2001: Chris Jericho def. Rhyno

2002: Ric Flair def. Chris Jericho

2003: Triple H def. Chris Jericho et al (EC)

2004: Edge def. Chris Jericho, Batista

2005: John Cena def. Chris Jericho

2008: Chris Jericho def. Rebecca Michaels' upper lip

2009: JeriShow def. Cryme Tyme

With the worst record of anyone on Team WWE, Jericho probably should've checked his facts before opening his mouth about leading this here supergroup. Although, his only tag match was a successful one, and he does have a history of punching women (heads up Heath Slater).

JOHN MORRISON

1 WIN - 0 LOSSES

Photo - WWE.com

2007: John Morrison def. CM Punk

He's undefeated. This could be the start of something HUGE. Or he could get eliminated first. It's a toss-up.

R-TRUTH

0 WINS - 0 LOSSES

Photo - WWE.com

:(

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this Nexus storyline isn't a vehicle for R-Truth's big push and he won't end up as the sole survivor. He's probably going to start off his SummerSlam career as being winless, and maybe exploded out of his shoes again.

But this still leaves us without that key 7th member. Who would benefit Team WWE the most?

THE MIZ

0 WINS - 0 LOSSES

Photo - WWE.com

Just like his sometime-nemesis R-Truth, Miz has yet to compete at SummerSlam. He's a wild card for Team WWE, no one knows where his true allegiances lie, and he could find himself more occupied with the Sheamus/Orton match than anything else. Maybe they should consider some more options... like:

THE GREAT KHALI

0 WINS - 3 LOSSES

Photo - WWE.com

2007: Batista def. The Great Khali

2008: Triple H def. The Great Khali

2009: Kane def. The Great Khali

Okay, maybe not. OH I KNOW:

TRIPLE H

8 WINS - 4 LOSSES

1995: Hunter Hearts Helmsley def. Bob Holly

1997: Mankind def. Hunter Hearst Helmsley

1998: Triple H def. The Rock

1999: Mankind def. Triple H, Steve Austin

2000: The Rock def. Kurt Angle, Triple H

2002: Shawn Michaels def. Triple H

2003: Triple H def. all (EC)

2004: Triple H def. Eugene

2006: DX def. The McMahons

2007: Triple H def. King Booker

2008: Triple H def. The Great Khali

2009: DX def. Legacy

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON THE DESTROYER. In fact, Triple H was giving a series of winks and "heh hehs" when asked yesterday if he would join the team at SummerSlam Axxess, so maybe you really can count on him joining the team. Or maybe you can count on him to join your team, then betray you for reasons he'll explain tomorrow night on RAW. Or maybe you can count on him having something in his eye, I don't know.

All I do know is that it's a good thing John Cena didn't go running to the Hardy Boyz:

MATT AND JEFF HARDY'S COMBINED RECORD

0 WINS - 7 LOSSES (WITH 1 WIN BY DQ, 1 BY FORFEIT ON HEAT TO A ONE LEGGED MAN)

Photo - WWE.com

1999: The Acolytes def. The New Brood

2000: Edge and Christian def. The Hardy Boyz, The Dudley Boyz

2001: Rob Van Dam def. Jeff Hardy

2003: Matt Hardy def. Zach Gowen (via FORFEIT on HEAT so DOESN'T EVEN COUNT)

2004: Kane def. Matt Hardy

2005: Edge def. Matt Hardy

2008: MVP def. Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy def. Mark Henry (BY DQ)

2009: CM Punk def. Jeff Hardy

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