11/28/11 RAW REVIEW: I CAN'T WAIT FOR JOHN MORRISON TO GET HIS REVENGE NEXT WEEK

This Raw review is (or will be very soon) posted over at Fair To Flair (in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was hit in the knee with a lead pipe, carted out of the arena, and continuously carted through big, swinging double-doors that say “TNA”. I also picture the EMTs that carted him through the doors to come back through dusting their hands off enthusiastically).

Now let's all start reading the first Raw review I've done that actually went up the day after. Someone give me a gold star.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

LIKED...

RODDY PIPER IS JOHN CENA’S SPLINTER

I love that once a year, Roddy Piper has to come and literally slap some sense into John Cena.

Last year, right around this time, Piper showed up and essentially shook John Cena until he finally displayed an emotion other than “lofl”. This year (er, yesterday), he conducted a pro wrestler litmus test on Cena and managed to draw both a white hot reaction from the crowd and an emotional, real promo out of Cena, which almost… almost blew the John Cena character wide open.

Roddy Piper seems to be the only person who can tap into John Cena and bring out the best in him. He offers wisdom on the psyche of a pro wrestler (“when you cheered me I did good things, when you booed me I did bad things”). When he talks, people shut up, take a knee and listen. He sees the good in bad people and the flaws in good people. He likes pizza (I assume). He can make a funny. He’s John Cena’s Splinter.

John Cena wants to impress Piper. He wants to prove to him that he can figure shit out on his own and go all Raphael through the Foot on a rooftop without the help of a super-powered Hall Of Fame ring (I wonder if because Hogan’s ring gave Abyss “Hogan-powers” and he had the red and yellow and Abyssamania [actual word said by Hulk Hogan], then if Cena used Piper’s ring, he’d get “Piper-powers” and start being funny for real and not win any more World Titles and wear a kilt so The Rock could show up and go “HAHA GAY” and pass out laughing because John Cena is in a dress and that is like catnip for Rocky).

Just like Splinter teaching the Turtles how the real world won’t understand or accept them, Piper is trying to teach Cena to deal with the fans that boo him so when he shows up at WrestleMania, expecting to win, but he loses and everyone cheers, he doesn’t have a nervous breakdown. Piper is trying to turn Cena.

And WWE.com is trying to turn Cena. The Rock is trying to turn Cena. It seems that everyone is trying to get John Cena to freak the fuck out and start chucking people through barber shop windows and legdrop Randy Savage and blow smoke over John Morrison’s sparkly abs, but, as David Shoemaker and Brandon Stroud have been saying all along, he’s already heel. Turning him heel would only turn him face.

The John Cena character can’t change. Everything around him can, because there will always be a million ways to orchestrate both a scenario where he’s booed out of the building (i.e. Punk, Rock, ECW, etc.), and a scenario where he assembles a team of SuperFriends to take out the Nexus and get cheers that bring the building down. Y’know?

That said, I’d still like to see John Cena tell The Rock he hates his fucking guts and then kick him in the dick.

DOLPH ZIGGLER DEF. RANDY ORTON (FT. WADE BARRETT DEF. COMMENTARY)

I think the best example of Ziggler’s new “show off” gimmick would be a weekly series called “What Can Dolph Ziggler Get A Good Match Out Of” where he wrestles different people and objects that you expect him to not be able to even wrestle, let alone get a passable match out of, but he blows everyone away when he DDTs himself and takes a nearfall from a porcelain birdbath.

This match was great. Maybe not quite as good as their last one on Raw, but still great. It was also aided by Vickie Guerrero yelling “FINISH HIM C’MON FINISH HIIIIM” from the VERY BEGINNING of the match. I love the idea that Vickie has no understanding of what goes into a wrestling match and right from the bell she’s just all “FUCKING KILL HIM ALREADY, GOD-UHHHHH”.

I can’t remember the last bad Dolph Ziggler match I saw. All the way back to his first match as Ziggler vs. Batista was awesome. Now he’s to the point where he’s wrestling two matches every Pay-Per-View and doing headstands after beating Randy Orton. I can’t wait for the day where he spins The Undertaker on his finger and 360 dunks off a step ladder.

Side note: Wade Barrett on commentary looked and sounded as sharp as Mason Ryan’s nipples.

DANIEL BRYAN KICKED MARK HENRY’S LEG OUT OF HIS LEG

Michael Cole brings out the best in Daniel Bryan. He’s like his Splinter.

Aside from the weak “we want Big Show” chant that made me want to heel hook my TV, this was a star-making promo from Bryan. Cole was an insufferable douche, which turned Bryan into a man of bearded conviction, which brought out Mark Henry (who is, to remind you, “half-way injured”) to get kicked in the leg.

I don’t expect Danielson to win the belt tonight. And if Mark Henry isn’t going to take the belt all the way to WrestleMania to defend it against Bryan, I could get behind him cashing in on Big Show at TLC, and turning “I’ve got ‘til 5” heel as champion.

Honourable Mention: Punk vs. Del Rio (a.k.a. wrestling, a.k.a. this is the kind of Raw people beg for after a Raw that is 97% shenanigans, a.k.a. even with Punk being wacky and saying “ass” and referencing Google searches [which incidentally brought me to a video titled “Del Rio Is A Boring Cunt”], the match itself was still great).

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

DISLIKED...

THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE JOHN

There really wasn’t too much to not like about John Morrison’s send off.

He got his leg lead piped out of his leg. He was staying gangster and stunting with Alex Riley before the match. He did that thing where he wrestles like his Pajama Jeans are too tight. He was killed off and I’m pretty sure John Laurinaitis came out for a “Future Endeavoured” Ron Simmons “DAMN” type punchline while he was on the stretcher (it’d be pretty great if he kept doing that anytime someone was about to get fired - he comes out, gives a derpy look of disapproval, and buries himself in his Blackberry until JTG gets wheeled away).

But for some reason, I’m still not sold on angry, solemnly Awesome Miz. He’s been reestablishing himself for the better part of this year with IMPACTS and STATEMENTS and IMPACTFUL STATEMENTS and STATED IMPACTS and I just miss the The Miz that had more charisma than that.

CAN I BORROW SOMEONE’S DIVAS SIGN LANGUAGE DICTIONARY

Every Divas match starts with a sign language mini-game that someone needs to subtitle. I get the Bellas calling their opponents “losers” by making an L out of their fingers and putting it on their head (that’s Divas Signing 101), but can someone decode Alicia Fox’s hand jive from last night? Even Natalya’s convoluted three-step YOU’RE GONNA CRY KELLY hand signals make some semblance of sense, but I think Alicia Fox was going off script there. Then again, pro wrestling signing typically doesn’t get more complicated than “YOU. ME. TEAM? BIG NOD” so I’m not exactly fluent.

THAT’S GOTTA BE (A CRAPPY) KANE (RETURN VIDEO)

It is crazy to me that a guy like Kane, who has TONS of built-in story and imagery and fire and death and brother murder and hell and brimstone and biblical fucking shit can’t even get a GOOD comeback video. Instead of using anything even remotely cool or creative, they decided to give Kane an HPV awareness commercial return video.

While I’m talking about video packages, I want someone to a/b that Sheamus video from last night where he was all “I’m a good lad! I like having a bit of fun I’m a nice guy!” with anything from two years ago where Michael Cole couldn’t stop yelling about how much Sheamus just loved to hurt people and how he’s a crazy Mark-Cuban-murdering asshole.

Honourable Mention: I think Jack Swagger tripped over his gigantic tongue.

Or something. I don’t know what the hayell happened right there. I think it’s karma for him abandoning his eye twitch.

RAW THOUGHTS - 11/15/10: SLUTS, BITCHES, JIM ROSS AND ONE FEUD-SAVING PROMO

Before I hit you with an onslaught of random as-they-happen thoughts from Monday's Old School RAW, I should say this: what a great fucking show. As you'll see from what I wrote down while watching, I loved it. But what may have been the most shocking thing from this show was how much it made me not only understand the main event of Survivor Series, but get invested in it.

Leading up to this themed RAW, everybody (me included) was assuming that any attempt at a build for Survivor Series would get lost in a Wade Barrett & Repo Man vs. Randy Orton & Leilani Kai main event weird tag match or something. Instead, they brought in Roddy Piper to make Daniel Day Lewis quiver in his boots by delivering a promo with such chilling conviction that I accidentally pre-ordered Survivor Series as it happened. Okay, I didn't. And still won't. But this promo was DEADLY.

So here's what I wrote down during the show, which is mostly just me writing things in CAPS LOCK and then not and maybe swearing a bit and stuff, because that's how I watch RAW. Enjoy.

RAW THOUGHTS - 11/15/10

OLD SCHOOL

Photo - WWE.com

- Mean Gene's got one hell of a trembling microphone, which they are clearly trying to get out of frame. Good luck with that ALL NIGHT.

- Even with a stumble or two, Bob Orton can cut a meaner promo than the entire locker room.

- I love how beat up Miz's briefcase is from smacking people over the head with it.

- How can something as simple as guardrails and no flashy lights and ring ropes and all that stuff that's not supposed to matter… make this feel so much better. AND THE PICTURE IN PICTURE PROMOS. FUCK IT I LOVE IT.

- SEXUAL CHOCOLATE. Best RAW ever.

- I feel like there have been a lot more "Jerry Lawler likes inappropriately young girls" jokes lately. I also feel like this Mark Henry/Dolph Ziggler match has been a whole Vickie Guerrero shirt-load of fun.

- Did Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry kick out of the Zig Zag? Maybe he needs to remain in this sexually charged Mark Henry state.

- Has Tony Atlas been huffing WD40?

- I believe Yoshi Tatsu just committed Seppuku.

- David Hart Smith's suplex clinic ruled.

- BOO. Tyson turns on DH. For what, Tyson. For what.

- Mean Gene's face is moving in all kinds of places, as if there are small electrodes underneath his skin in random spots.

- I like the logic R-Truth brings to the table. Why the FUCK should John Cena care about Randy Orton? Sure, he stands for morality and all that is good in the WWE, so giving in to Wade Barrett would be against all that he is. But, if he were to use logic, why should he help Orton, who's attacked his fucking dad and tried to end his career in the past, when he could help Barrett, then just beat the shit out of him and challenge him to a match for the title which he will no doubt win? Truth is the voice of reason… or truth I guess. (EDITOR'S NOTE: watch for me to flip on this idea by the end of the show!)

- They really went all out with the Old School theme. Just like the old merch commercials with the TV's in the backgound. Great idea to sell merch, bad idea to sell Survivor Series, but everyone knew that coming into it. (EDITOR'S NOTE: this one too!)

- I kinda feel bad for some of the kids who probably just want to see the guys they know. But I guess this is one show out of a billion that isn't for them.

- Big Zeke loves to smile, doesn't he? They make it super easy. Good guys = smile, point, maybe skip to the ring. Bad guys = frowny faces.

- I don't think I can take another David Otunga lip-bite without scooping my own eyes out with a spork.

- Haha, referees in 80's wigs trying to split up a serious fight is hilarious.

- This Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, Santino Marella, Vladmir Kozlov, Slick song and dance segment is complete chaos. And I totally feel like they were just like "HO SHIT GET THE USO'S OUT THERE TO STOP THIS MADNESS"

- Snuka's hands always look inhumanly large to me. Like balloon animals or something.

- Uso's vs. Santino/Kozlov, winners become #1 Contenders to the tag titles by default because this is all we got left.

- Holy fuck. Can someone feed the babyfaces another line besides "you're a bully."?! Even though that was one of Morrison's better promos for sure, just saying you're a bully is so unintimidating and after-school special that it deflates anything I was feeling a second ago. I guess that's not JoMo's fault, since he sounded pissed and stuff. But… bully? C'mon guys. We're grown ups. And I don't even mean me. You're grown ups.

- Otunga threw the best move he's ever thrown in that criss-cross elbow to Kofi.

- Loved all of the extra random details thrown into the Sheamus/Morrison feud - yelling at a waitress in Milan for messing up his cappuccino, picking on flight attendants… too good. I can't even tell if I like this because of how ridiculous it is (picturing Sheamus ordering a cappuccino... THEN YELLING BECAWSE IT'S JOAST TOO HOT FOR ME IRISH TUNG) or how there's so much to this story we didn't know, and for no apparent reason. I thought Morrison was just sticking up for Santino because Sheamus was bullying him, not because he also bully's people on the road too! WHAT A BULLY!

- I want someone to make a montage of every "DAMN" segment that devolves into a musicless dance-off. I don't know what use I would have for it, but I can only assume it would solve some kind of epidemic in the future.

- Eve's aggressive dancing isn't old school or new school or any kind of school that teaches things.

- R-Truth with a somersault plancha.

- R-Truth with a big goober spilling out of his mouth.

- R-Truth with a big goober catapulting out of his mouth, after a big weird Wade Barrett elbow drop (am I the only one who finds his top rope elbow drops weird?)

- Can they do Attitude Era RAW next week? I just want to see how jarring it would be to go from this to blood and boobies and cussing' and jiggly-leg Rock stomps.

- Tito Santana introducing Alberto Del Rio, as being driven by Chavo Classic, with the ropes held open for him by the Mexicools. Okay not the last part.

- I love Alberto Del Rio. - I zoned out while watching the match and apparently wrote this but I have no recollection of doing so whatsoever. Turns out even my subconscious loves Del Rio!

- LOL. Mae Young drops a bomb! Amazing. SLUTS AND BITCHES.

- My favourite diva special move = call her diva friends with a conch shell to stand in a red rover line.

- J F'N R.

- JR and King embracing somehow brings a tear to my eye like when my mom and dad hug.

- HOLY FUCK YES. Bryan Danielson being called by Jim Ross. I love this show.

- My god. RAW has become a godly show in two seconds. Jim Ross calling Bryan Danielson vs. Jack Swagger. The All American American vs. the All American American Dragon.

- I love JR completely ignoring Cole. It's the only way.

- BIG FLYING KNEE FROM DRAGON

- EVEN BIGGER DROPKICK.

- Holy hell. Great match between Swagger and Bryan. Even if it had Michael Cole stink all over it.

- AND DIBIASE ISSUES HIS CHALLENGE. I think these guys could have some great matches. But so could Danielson and a cardboard cutout of David Otunga biting his lip.

- The sheer number of legends brought in for this show is pretty overwhelming. Not to mention all of the other changes to the show. Pretty impressive. See you Sunday, whatever PPV. (EDITOR'S NOTE: wait for it...)

- Best line ever from Piper. If you had a problem, you did something about it. Today, you emote about it for several months.

- Roddy Piper. Incredible.

- John Cena's emoting. I take it back. Also incredible.

- And now the booking of the SS main event makes more sense (EDITOR'S NOTE: there it is!). Sure, no one is tuning in to see what John Cena does during the match. You can find out that result online in seconds/on RAW the next night/whatever. If you're buying this PPV based on this match, you are buying it to see John Cena beat the holy piss out of Wade Barrett. And if THAT doesn't happen (Nexus run-in/whatever) then this PPV is a fail. Because that is all they are building to.

- Goddamn. Cena hits Barrett with the Attitude Adjustment. I really thought they'd wait until the PPV. … I should have known.

Roddy Piper put that match over more than anyone involved in it has for me. And it has nothing to do with him being an old school guy or anything. He just spelled out John Cena's motivation for me in a way that John Cena has yet to do.

Anyway, great show. There was rumour that they'd run another "Old School" RAW in the near future if they pop a rating (see how I used insider language there? I'M LEARNING!), but I do believe the rating for this RAW fell pretty much on par with what they've been doing lately, which is a bummer. I thought for sure they'd do well off of this show, but maybe the advertising just wasn't there for it or something.

Oh well. Looks like it's back to regular old RAW next week. Or maybe they could do a "future" RAW where Michael Cole is hoarse and grizzled and wrestlers don't wrestle in the ring, they shoot guns at each other, because it's come full circle to the extreme since Triple H runs the show and I haven't fully fleshed out this idea that I'm making up as I write this sentence so now the joke is over okay bye.