FML 2009: EUGENE REHIRED! AND... REFIRED

The segment itself was actually pretty good. But Eugene was a little soft around the edges and was fired like the next day.

It's a shame. So much could've been done with the Eugene character. Well, not so much with... more like... to. He would fit in with Punk's straight-edge army as a guy who was constantly sedated with prescription pills, like Festus. But everyone's thought of that one. And it's not going to happen.

Poor Eugene.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO SAY THIS

But after last night... I am left with no other choice.

I have valuable information about why you paid 45 of your hard-earned dollars for that thing that happened yesterday.

They don't want me to tell you. But given the circumstances, the dire circumstances (and they are dire), I will risk my own life in telling you what I'm about to tell you.

THE WWE HAS HYPNOTIZED US ALL

You don't believe me.

You shouldn't. Because you're under their wicked spell.

Placing millions of people under a hypnotic trance for 12 years is the only way to explain people accepting Sheamus as WWE Champion (alongside Bret Hart, Ric Flair, Steve Austin...), or defending Undertaker vs. Batista as being a "good" match last night, or any one of the ass-backwards things that's happened in the past few years.

It's the reason why you turn in every goddamned week without fail, even if you still complain about it.

It's the reason why you think matches that are barely good are "great."

I'm just as guilty as you. Last night I was grasping at straws trying to find a reason why it was good that Sheamus won or CM Punk wasn't on the show (or lost to R-Truth in a dark match, rather!), or why the crowd went so crazy for the Taker/'Tist/Teddy Long abomination of a finish. I mean, I've known about the hypnotization for some time now, I guess I just didn't think it could run so DEEP!

But how could they do it, you ask? How the FUCK could they hypnotize so many of us into giving them our irrational, unwavering loyalty for this long?

Easy.

Thursday Raw Thursday.

I don't know if there was some kind of hypno-radiation, or if it was just subliminal audio tricks, but this is definitely it. If you saw this as a kid, you're as good as fucked. You've shelled out more money on WWE in the past twelve years than at least one of your basic needs of shelter, food or clothing. I'm pretty serious about this.

All I can say about what's happening in the WWE right now... is to quote a great fictional man: the night is darkest just before the dawn. But even that is me just talking with blind hope, because Thursday Raw Thursday is coursing through my veins.

Watching this twice CAN deprogram you. But I can't guarantee it. Godspeed.

Raw should be sweet tonight though.

I thi--WAIT NO!!!!11 I CAN'T BE TRICKED AGAIN

SPREAD THE WORD TO THY NEIGHBOUR

OR MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS

WWE TLC: TABLES, LADDERS AND CHAIRS PREDICTIONS

These may seem late, but I'm catching the uh... er... replay.

UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP TLC MATCH

JERISHOW (C) VS. DX

DX def. Jerishow to win their first Tag Team Championship in the Main Event

- There's a crazy ass celebration with explosions and green confetti and glowstick raves

- Shawn Michaels scares us all to death by taking a way too dangerous ladder bump

- Big Show accidentally KO's Jericho

- There is a near match-ruining appearance by Hornswoggle

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP CHAIRS MATCH

UNDERTAKER (C) VS. BATISTA

Batista def. Undertaker to win the World Heavyweight Championship

- This match will surprisingly have good psychology and drama

- Batista gets injured during the match, still wins, then forfeits the title at the Slammy's

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP TABLES MATCH

JOHN CENA (C) VS. SHEAMUS

John Cena def. Sheamus to retain his WWE Championship

- TOP ROPE TABLE FU WHOAMG

- Somehow Sheamus also puts Cena through a table

- Sheamus fucks something up

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH

CHRISTIAN (C) VS. SHELTON BENJAMIN

Christian def. Shelton Benjamin to retain his ECW Championship

- MOTN

- Goes on first to keep as much separation between ladder matches as possible

- Shelton defies gravity with some new fangled ladder move that blows everyone's mind, but people still somehow forget about him the next time he appears on TV

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

JOHN MORRISON (C) VS. DREW MCINTYRE

John Morrison def. Drew McIntyre via DQ to retain his Intercontinental Championship

- Surprisingly short

- Ends in either a DQ or some kinda draw/double countout/shmoz scenerio (I went with DQ)

- McIntyre looks crazy strong

RUBBER MATCH

KOFI KINGSTON VS. RANDY ORTON

Randy Orton def. Kofi Kingston

- Even though it seems like that Kofi will and probably should get the win, I get the feeling that Orton will somehow get the win on PPV

- Kofi will still look like a star

- Even if Orton loses, he'll get the last laugh somehow

WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

MICHELLE MCCOOL (C) VS. MICKIE JAMES

Michelle McCool def. Mickie James to retain her Women's Championship

- Mickie James has a hilarious botch

- McCool retains under dastardly tactics

I also predict (or hope to god, rather) that CM Punk has some kind of important promo regarding his straight-edge army.

FML 2009: GAIL KIM KO'S HERSELF

And Mickie James handles it like a pro!

Click the image to finish seeing Gail Kim landing on her forehead.

TRANSFORMED 2009: AUSTIN ARIES

AUSTIN ARIES

2008

Almost exactly one year ago at Final Battle 2008, after a lengthy feud with The Age of the Fall, Austin Aries completed a heel turn by bashing Tyler Black in the head with a steel chair. This was the first step to transform Austin Aries to...

AUSTIN ASSHOLE

2009

Aries changed everything about himself in '09.

- He got into feather boas, novelty size sunglasses and hipster moustaches.

- For much of 2009 he swapped his balls out lightning fast offence for Macho-like axe-handles, back rakes (and CHEST rakes), and FACE MANIPULATION.

- He became the first ever two-time Ring of Honor World Champion.

- He aligned with Rhett Titus and Kenny King, because every heel champion worth his salt needs cronies to hide behind.

- He pissed fans off by "demeaning" the Title picture with his "A Double L Double" Lucky Lottery, and by ducking matches with worthy contenders.

- He then evolved further by successfully defending his title in a series of ridiculously entertaining and athletic matches, thus putting his "cowardly" A Double persona in his back pocket for the past few months.

- And now he has a chance to close out 2009, and enter 2010, as ROH World Champion, when he defends against Tyler Black at Final Battle 2009 in a match that's been in the making for an entire year.

2009: Austin Aries to Austin Asshole

STARS 2009 (HONOURABLE MENTION): KENNY OMEGA

Honourably Mention'd because: He's just now hitting his stride and making waves near the end of 2009.

It was only a year and a half ago that Kenny Omega debuted in Ring of Honor, and I was lucky enough to be at that very show. He lost to Delirious in a fun undercard match, and even got some cheers right after.

Since then, Omega has...

- Pinned ROH World Champion Austin Aries (DBDH VII, Toronto, ON)

- Defeated Pro Wrestling NOAH Star Katsuhiko Nakajima (Title TBA, Novi, MI)

- Unsuccessfully challenged for the ROH World Title vs. Austin Aries in a fantastic match (Title TBA, Mississauga, ON)

And now this...

*SPOILERS FOR THOSE WAITING FOR A CERTAIN PWG DVD!*

...

...

KENNY OMEGA

BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES 2009 WINNER - AND PWG WORLD CHAMPION

(Okay so that's not the PWG Title, but let's just pretend!)

Omega won the 2009 Battle of Los Angeles, an annual tournament that is normally just for bragging rights (past winners: Davey Richards, CIMA, Low Ki). But this year, after Bryan Danielson won the belt in his last PWG, he vacated the title and declared that the winner of the 2009 BOLA would be the new champion.

Needless to say, whoever won the tourney would be a surefire star in the Indy scene.

Omega defeated three big PWG mainstays in Kevin Steen, Scott Lost and Joey Ryan (with Ryan and Steen being former PWG Champs), and in the finals defeated a man who's 2009 year has been filled with incredible matches (and has maybe been slightly overlooked because of Davey's great year of matches)... Roderick Strong.

But not only is he the PWG World Champion... he is also the Champion of Anywhere.

MOMENTS 2009: CHRISTIAN RETURNS

His return may have been kinda underwhelming and not really sold as a big deal (it was treated more like he'd always been here "it's Christian! ..."). But I was still excited as all heck and it sparked one of my favourite feuds of the year.

Christian's always been one of my favourite wrestlers and if he doesn't make the move to RAW or Smackdown! soon, I'm just going to have to watch ECW UNDER PROTEST. Uh... if ECW still exists next year.

Also, that video gets a little ridiculous with children laughing in the background near the end. It's hard to find a good video of his return on YouTube.