06/27/11 RAW ROULETTE REVIEW: PUNK'S MAGNUM OPUS, ALSO SHAWN MICHAELS VS. NATURE

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that "gets it" because writers don't use the phrase "gets it" (well at least I don't because I get it, and if you catch one of the other guys using it then I can't be held accountable for them not getting it, but maybe they get it and just use "gets it" to "get" under my "skin" I can't stop "quoting"'"").

I'm a regular contributor at FTF (mainly for Raw reviews, much like this one), along with co-founders Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling, as well as Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and my blogging Shing-bro TH of The Wrestling Blog. Give Fair To Flair a peek, and may I specifically suggest checking out the first-ever Fair To Flair Quarterly, a REAL LIFE BOOK (and fake life digital "book") containing fan-and-staff-written essays on professional wrestling.

Keep your eye out for the second Quarterly, coming soon to a laptop near you (presumably, your laptop). In fact, you can listen to a podcast previewing the upcoming "live experiences" Quarterly that Jason Mann and I did a little bit ago. It features live audio from ROH Best In The World 2011, as I attended it and crapped myself, but managed to salvage the audio for you. I did it for you. I also did it for The Rock.

WOW. Okay. So, enough plugs. Let's get down to that review that I wrote three weeks ago and am posting here only now because I don't know why.

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RAW ROULETTE

LIKED...

KELLY KELLY GETS A BIG WIN

Kelly won, she’s improving in the ring lately. Good to see Eve still doing stuff. ***1/2

KOFI KINGSTON VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER

They wrestled and it was a match ***3/4

BOOKER T SPINNING THE Rawjkkwdmcmjjjjjjj

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…

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WHAT AM I DOING?!

My mind was erased after CM Punk reached through the goddamned TV and grabbed every one of us by the balls. I legitimately forgot that anything else happened before Punk’s ****ing MAGNUM OPUS, and that’s okay, because talking about anything but CM Punk at this point seems completely pointless. I mean, who wants to hear my thoughts on Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler on a night when CM Punk doesn’t turn a microphone into a pipebomb?

But, conversely, what can I say about CM Punk that hasn’t already been said? By fans? Wrestlers? Writers? Bloggers? Super popular non-wrestling blogs? People that have jobs that don’t have anything to do with wrestling and believe it to be real? EVERYONE is talking about CM Punk (he’s so hot right now), and I don’t need to tell you why. I could, but that would almost certainly fill up an entire WOO! section because that promo was so WOO! that we’d all OD on WOO! (you know it).

More importantly, I pretty much don’t even want to think about this. I don’t want anyone telling me why it’s a worked shoot or why he’s leaving or why he’s staying or anything else. I want to watch the Summer of Punk sequel and let the goosebumps take over, because it’s extremely rare in today’s mainstream wrestling world to find something to watch that you are obsessed with.

So, I’ve decided that I’ve come full circle and will talk about everything but CM Punk. Except for, y’know, all that stuff I just said.

Now back to Shawn Michaels, moose hunter.

MACMILLAN RIVER ADVENTURES!

I find it hilarious that Shawn Michaels, the character, dresses in sequins and chaps and does a sexy dance, while Shawn Michaels the man (Michael Hickenbottom, I suppose) dresses in hunting apparel and kills bears on the Falconer channel. It’s an incredible juxtaposition that also somehow represents in a nutshell what I love about wrestling.

The preview for MacMillan River Adventures on Raw lead me to believe that they’ll be constantly splicing clips of moose and other woodland creatures running in terror from Shawn Michaels, with clips of HBK dancing and kicking people’s teeth down their throats. I want to believe that the show will be a sixty-minute montage highlighting Shawn’s most awesome moonsaults and most gruesome deer headshots, but I feel like I’ll be let down when I tune in. And I’ve seen enough funny pictures of Shawn Michaels posing with dead bears (here, here or here) or caught fish (here, here) or whatever other hunter things he does that I’ve reached my quota and will never watch his show. Y’know, unless people start linking me to hilarious clips of him skinning big horns and gyrating his hips or something. Then I’ll never not watch.

MARK HENRY VS. CAGE DOOR, WALL

Mark Henry and cage doors have a storied history. He’s getting better as time goes on. You can practically see the Sims learning meter above his head as he fumbles with that thing. But I am happy that they’re doing exactly what I want with Mark Henry - have him break down random objects like he’s Blanka taking apart a car in between stages in Street Fighter.

Or maybe he could make a cameo on Shawn Michaels’ show and corner avalanche moose for fun.

BOOKER T RECAPS RAW IN REAL TIME

At first, I was hesitant to the idea that Booker T would be replacing Candice Michelle’s boobs as the official Raw Roulette wheel spinner. But then he starting delivering raving, speed-induced recaps of every segment after every segment to the people who JUST saw it. It’s like he was trying to sell us on the show we were already watching. I was dying. Maryse couldn’t even process what was happening.

And never mind Booker T’s Kane-summoning powers. “AWWWW the question mark you know what the question mark means right there the question mark means that you got a mystery opponent just kidding Kane’s right here already HIT THE MUSIC right there”

Honourable Mention: Rey Mysterio, Alex Riley and the MEGA COMBO FINISH.

I just got back from New York where I saw ROH Best In The World live and in person, and I’m pretty sure that that combo would’ve put Davey Richards away. Well, maybe (definitely) not. But in WWE’s universe (not to be confused with the WWE Universe), you can lose to any kind of move where you and your opponent just jump and fall down.

I’m pretty sure that Swagger was out after the kick to the head, but that was followed by a 619, an Edgecution DDT, a top rope splash, an apron 2K1 bomb and a crossbow killshot from Shawn Michaels, moose hunter.

Honourable Mention Not Needed Mentioning Again But Here I Go: CM Punk.

It’s officially a one-man show.

RAW ROULETTE

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

I REMEMBER A TIME WHEN TEXT MESSAGES AND WHEELS DIDN’T DECIDE THE MATCHES OF A WRESTLING SHOW

And that’s a time when an invisible man in the sky with a Gmail account decided the matches. Can we go back to that? WE HAVE TO GO BAAACK

CM Punk recently tried to bring some legitimacy back to the WWE’s match-making process. He came out to the ring and declared that he beat Rey Mysterio, someone who barely ever loses, and John Cena, the WWE Champion, and claimed that he should then be named the #1 Contender to the WWE Championship. But of course, that Anonymous GM chimed in to remind Punk that it doesn’t work that way. It works in whatever way he, the invisible man in the sky, decides, because this is professional wrestling and everyone knows that best way to get what you want is to break into the champion’s home and assault his family or something.

I just want them to reel back the wackiness. Just a bit. Either that, or turn it up to eleven and let the South Park Family Guy manatees pick the matches on Raw next week, and we’ll finally get the Undertaker vs. Eve & Dean Ambrose Handicap Halftime Heat Street Fight Pillow Fight Over The Top Off With The Top Match I’ve been waiting for.

SIN CARA VS. EVAN BOURNE

EEP. Before you judge me (don’t judge me), it’s not what you think.

I thought the match was fun and was exactly what we need more of in WWE today (maybe minus the stripper lighting): wrestling that isn’t predictable beat-by-beat. What I didn’t like was how it didn’t click in that perfect way, and how the announcers didn’t really seem to know how to put it over as it began (“pff, what’re they doing, WRESTLING?!”). I’m worried that because it wasn’t the five-and-a-half star, white-hot DGUSA speedfest that was expected by some, they won’t get to do it again.

I’m also worried that from the way his head bounced off the mat during the finish, Evan Bourne’s going to be the one “without face.” HAAHAH? …

BIG SHOW WOW YOU ARE FIRED UP OKAY PLEASE STOP

Dear The Big Show,

Please refrain from coming out to the ring like you’re in Bring It On 8 and you’re super jazzed to win the big cheering competition. I literally had to rewind your big stupid raindance just to annoy myself. Don’t make me get Kurt Angle to tranquilize you. Or Shawn Michaels to crossbow your teeth down your throat.

Signed,

Me

Aside: Michael Cole running down the laundry list of Big Show’s ailments was hilarious. “First, he got run over by an automobile. Then he was put through the announce table. Then he contracted typhoid. And now this.”

Honourable Mention: Alex Riley silent treatment.

Riley Shelton Benjamin’d himself to the top rope AND did Naomichi Marufuji’s running kick on the outside where he lands on the apron - and no one said a word. I’m not saying Riley is NEXT WORLD CHAMP BEST IN THE WORLD or anything, but I found it odd.

Dishonourable Honourable Mention: The crowd, Power Rangers.

Sometimes pro wrestling crowds are irritating. Take chanting “Power Ranger” at Sin Cara, for example. I SO BADLY want a cartoon or kids show of some kind to come out that can at least update that ****ing insult. Power Ranger? Power Ranger. REALLY. Has no other person dressed up in bright colours and fought people since the Might Morphin Mother****ing Power Rangers were on TV? If Sin Cara really was a Power Ranger, sparks would fly out of his chest whenever he ****ed up in the ring. SO THERE.

Shawn Michaels is the real Power Ranger anyway.