11/07/11 RAW REVIEW: WHY NASH WHY DO YOU KEEP EXPLAINING YOUR ACTIONS

This Raw review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that believes "personal and witty > informational and clinical". Or, at least that's what K. Sawyer Paul prefers (and so do I) for submissions for the third Fair To Flair Quarterly (which you can read about here). I'm a regular contributor for FTF, along with co-founders Jason Mann of WrestleSpective, K. Sawyer Paul of International Object, and Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling. Also at Fair To Flair is my blogging Bruiser BROdy TH of The Wrestling Blog, and Garcian Smith. Be sure to check out all of their respective blogs and Twitters and what have yous.

Before I get started, I'd like to point out that the last Raw I reviewed was the one that followed Money In The Bank (you know, the PPV where CM Punk made the WWE Title interesting again). It was a happier time. Proceed with caution.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/07/11

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DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER

I love when wrestlers wrestle something other than another wrestler. You might be familiar with Shawn Michaels vs. A Ladder from WrestleMania X. Or maybe Kota Ibushi vs. YOSHIHIKO (a blow-up doll) from DDT. Even Triple H vs. A Broomstick from that time Triple H said that and everyone loled. Now you can add Dolph Ziggler vs. Dolph Ziggler to that list.

Or at least I can. Mainly because I've managed to selectively un-see John Morrison. You know that optical illusion where you focus on a cross in the centre of an image and the rest of the image fades away? That's like me with Dolph Ziggler (the cross) and John Morrison (the rest of the image). I just watch Dolph Ziggler ragdoll bump like a goddamned psychopath, and I manage to un-see John Morrison toppling lifelessly through the second rope. I also don't have to see him hold his neck and grimace ever again. Come join me in this JoMo-less world.

Also, at this point I sincerely feel like Ziggler vs. YOSHIHIKO would be better than Triple H vs. anyone (aside from maybe a broomstick).

NATALYA'S BROWN-NOTE BARITONE

Aside from Kelly's hilarious "eeeehhhhhh" face--

--and how little confidence even Kelly had in her "National Geographic" line, Natalya stole that entire segment with the scariest, boomiest out-of-nowhere delivery of "YOU'RE GONNA CRY KELLY YOU'RE GONNA CRY YOU MUTT". Holy fuck that scared me. And then Eve's Virgin Radio bumper music hit.

That music is the least run-in-able-to music of all-time. It's too danceable. I will only support this theme if Usher starts managing Eve (which you know would be awesome).

JOHNNY ACE'S IDLE THREATS

Brandon Stroud of With Leather's Best And Worst of WWE Raw has already tackled this subtle moment of hilarity:

"Alberto Del Rio attacked CM Punk (from behind) (because he deserved it), and somehow the best part of it all was Mr. John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, chastising him from the background. "Stop this right now!" "I'm not going to tell you again!" And the cherry on top, "AIGHT DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OFF MY JACKET". Amazing. I love the idea that Laurinaitis is this backstabbing twerp, but when he takes of his blazer the mullet comes down and he starts dropkicking."

And I feel like there's no way I (nor anyone) can add to that. Bottom line is that so far my favourite parts of this show were the way two people said really inconsequential things, and Dolph Ziggler wrestling himself. Fuck me.

Honourable Mention: Alberto Del Rio is the WWE Champion, and everyone else? DEY DON MATTIR

Things you miss if you fast-forward Alberto Del Rio's promos

- hilarious reaction faces

- the way he says pretty much any word (one of my favourites: "John Cena, I hope you get fire.")

- Ricardo Rodriguez

- children throwing popcorn at him

- winking

- Ricardo Rodriguez

- you wouldn't miss this but it's a hilarious picture

- Ricardo Rodriguez

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/07/11

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KEVIN NASH TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HELPLESS CHILDREN

Man, couldn't have been a worse time to make a "taking advantage of you like a helpless child" metaphor, eh Kev?

There is a buttload of hilarious subtext to this feud. Well, basically each guy has said one funny thing that points to them having sex with each other, but still. I like to pretend that Nash is just making all of these insider shoot references to distract us from the true insider references he's slipping in there: Kevin Nash broke Triple H's heart by taking advantage of him like a helpless child.

What's more offensive than Kevin Nash molesting (or terra-ryzing? lol) Triple H is how many times I've had to watch Kevin Nash RETURN and EXPLAIN HIS ACTIONS. Mattel needs to release a new Kevin Nash action figure with a ripcord that triggers a "FIRST OF ALL" sound-byte. God DAMNIT KEVIN. Just stay here or leave forever and never explain why you did something. I don't care if you DDT Scott Stanford and throw up a new hand sign (perhaps a fluttering bird) for an imaginary stable. Never explain yourself. Just keep going on about your Big Sexy business, doing whatever it is that you do and never explaining it, and it'll be ONE BILLION times better than your sentence fragment old-person-shouting promo from Monday.

PIG AND TITANIC COMMENTARY

I'll let the commentary speak for itself. Here's a small excerpt from Santino vs. Swagger:

King: If you wanna beat someone you should go challenge a fourth grader. JR's gonna…. stomp you.

Cole: JR can't move. He waddles around the ring. You don't even know what the challenge is.

King: Oh is it gonna be wrestling? Is that what you're gonna do? You're gonna fight the guy?

Cole: Hey maybe you know it could be an intellectual challenge, I'd kill him on that. I'm a Mensa. He's, what uh, I don't know... he's from Oklahoma.

King: … … Mensa?

Cole: You know although if we had a pig calling contest he'd beat me in that. SOOEY SOOEY.

King: Okay Cole. Quit doing that with Vickie here.

Cole: [uncontrollable snorting laughter]

King: Now I hear pigs grunting.

Cole: [continued snorting] uh now look at Swagger

…

Cole: This is some city here, you know what Liverpool's known for? As uh--

King: Nothing.

Cole: --well nothing, but actually where the company that built the Titanic was located. [laughter] Too bad JR wasn't on the Titanic on it's way over here OH THAT'S RIGHT HE DIDN'T MAKE IT

King: If JR was on the Titanic the iceberg would've sunk.

Cole: He'd be a one man life raft for the entire ship.

King: You're gonna be hoping for a life raft next week.

Cole: Look at Swagger

Match ends.

R-TRUTH IS WHIFFLE BALL TONY

This doesn't have as much to do with this episode of Raw as much as it does with R-Truth in general: I can't get into it.

He's funny, he does ridiculous shit that makes me slap my knees until they're raw (lol pun), he's got The Miz by his side making the most irritating trollfaces a person can muster, but I still don't see him as a guy that wins matches. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony.

Mike Birbiglia does a bit about George Bush and how he's like Wiffle Ball Tony, but I think it applies to R-Truth too:

"I feel like whether you like him or not, Bush seems like a fun guy. He's the kind of guy you invite to the barbecue because you know he's gonna start the whiffle ball game. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony. Like 'Yeah! Whiffle Ball Tony's here! All right! It is SO ON!' And then one day someone's like, 'We're gonna put Tony in charge of everything.' And I'm like 'We are? The burgers and the potato salad? I don't know if that's such a good idea…'"

Y'know? He's hilarious, but should he also be winning things and being portrayed as a threat (because he did a sneak attack that somehow warranted being handcuffed [and a handcuff beatdown from big boss H] and fired) and getting to be a part of the biggest match on PPV since anything ever forever Never Before Never Again Never Give Up Never Going Away Again?!

I don't know. Sometimes I wish he just stayed dead.

Honourable Mention: John Cena's Raw Rebound Gimmick

It's been happening forever, but sometimes I can't hold back the urge to yell about it on the Internet. I can't stand John Cena's gimmick of going out to the ring to record audio for the next video package. Can't you just do it in a soundbooth somewhere? How badly do you need to save time where you're cutting a promo AND obviously just filling in the audio blanks for the Survivor Series intro video. It's infuriating.

Just one time I want him to come out and say "THIS SEASON, ON WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW" and then throw to a video of all the John Cena feuds to come this year.

CANT TELL - JACK SWAGGER EYE TWITCH

I have no idea how I feel about Jack Swagger trying to get an eye twitch over. I'll let you know how I feel after Raw gets Dwayne'd next week.

04/25/11 RAW REVIEW: THE 2011 WWE DRAFT

You may notice that I'm only posting Raw and Smackdown reviews on here now. That hopefully won't always be the case (although it is simple enough), but I've been pretty busy lately and I've had to ween myself off Matt Hardy YouTube videos and all the other very important things that I normally get up to.

So for now, enjoy this Raw review. Like five days late. Shutup.

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art (and now our newest addition, my blogging Dusty Brodes TH of The Wrestling Blog) to form a site that's less about cynicism, rumours and spyware and more about tumblr and spyware (not really). Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Credit to Jason for editing yet another one of my later-by-the-week reviews.

RAW: WWE DRAFT EDITION

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Photo - WWE.com

R-TRUTH VS. LITTLE JIMMY AT EXTREME RULES

In a “Who Is More Crazy?!” gauntlet match between the crazy guy and the fictional child the crazy guy made up and cut a promo on.

Listen, the Internet, I know we’re all divided when it comes to R-Truth and his newly made public-smoking-fetish heel turn… but can’t we just agree that he is ****ing hilarious (unintentionally)?! Since Bryan Danielson stopped wrestling the shit out of people on free TV, the most entertaining thing for me on Raw has been unintentional comedy. R-Truth is a pioneer in this field.

Whether he’s beating the censor, walking right into the crowd’s WHAT chants (he said “y’know WHAT!?” and then the crowd said “WHAT” and he got mad - c’mon man, that one actually made sense!), or getting beat up in mid air-hump (as much as a guy can get beat up by John Morrison), R-Truth is the Lenny Bruce of unintentional comedy.

Seriously though. There is nothing like getting punched in the back of the head at ramming speed when you’re in the middle of a pelvic thrust. And that’s the TRUTH.

BOOYAKA BOOYAKA BYE BYE BYE

Cody Rhodes is a perfect mixture of all the things that make wrestling awesome. He’s old school, crazy, a complete caricature of a deranged human being and has family who wrestle that he can consciously or subconsciously reference in a promo (anybody catch that Goldust sneer at the end?). He also has a lisp and will still try and say the word “anesthesiologist” on national television.

But I’m going to stop talking about Cody Rhodes, because Brandon Stroud of With Leather sums up what he said about Rey Mysterio in a way that brought me to tears. So just read that and promise you’ll still come back here. I’ve got so many great jokes lined up! Isn’t JTG so c,md fm,vmc,

RANDY ORTON IS THE NEW R-TRUTH OF UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY

Anyone else notice that while everyone was wearing a Raw T-shirt together backstage, Randy Orton was just sitting amongst them wet and shirtless? Or maybe you heard him say the phrase “unconscious” sleep, as to clarify for CM Punk that he wasn’t going to beat him at Extreme Rules with diazepam.

Randy Orton actually may not even be the new R-Truth of unintentional comedy, because I think R-Truth is totally biting him.

Honourable Mention: CM Punk and Alberto Del Rio top rope hugging and kissing.

Or, if No Mercy taught me anything, would that be SUPER Hugging and Kissing? I wish my whole review could’ve just been this gif.

RAW: WWE DRAFT EDITION

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Photo - WWE.com

RANDY ORTON AND JOHN CENA DRAFTED TO SMACKDOWN ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS THE REVOLUTIONARY FORCE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT

Except it can’t.

But that’s not even something I’m upset about. I’m more upset about Michael McGuillicutty and David Otunga high-fiving for Raw draft picks, or any wrestler other than Kofi Kingston doing Kofi Kingston’s taunt when Kofi Kingston wins a draft pick for Smackdown. None of this shit makes sense, and I don’t even see the reason for it. Is it supposed to make us feel like the wrestlers (action soap-opera superstar movie machines) feel that the WWE Draft is a big deal too? Even though we don’t?

I’m sure there is a much better and more logical way to go about that than putting everyone in a colour-coded t-shirt (pretty sure if the Rock walked in the room and saw them he’d have a “LOL FROOTY PEBBLS!! you’re all! wearing! coloured! SHIRTS!! AHHHGHHGGGG” overload and fall down) slapping hands and cheering for things that do not matter at all. Hey, Tyler Reks, you seem excited that Randy Orton is coming to Smackdown. Great, except that you’ll probably never wrestle or see him, so go do cartwheels elsewhere. Maybe look into some soap.

Although, the more I watch it, the more I feel like all of the wrestlers know it’s stupid and are just taking the piss (I use British turns of phrases to make myself sound cultured).

EVE “BJJ-STUDENT” TORRES

“Okay, Eve, you’ve only got like thirty-five seconds tonight. Not even. Michael Cole will start shouting about twenty-five seconds in. You just need like one move. You can handle that right? I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’s literally less than a half of a minute. That can’t be enough time for you to **** something up. Now get out there and wrestle like only Eve Torres can!” - Vince McMahon (not really) (but seriously)

Can Awesome “kHARMa” Kong show up and champagne-cork her head off already? Do I have to say this every week?! Better question: do I have to watch every week?

JIM ROSS BEATDOWNS > JOHN MORRISON BEATDOWNS

That shouldn’t be true but it FOR REAL IS. Jim Ross struck Michael Cole until the bottom half of his face bled blood. BLED BLOOD. John Morrison held R-Truth by the wrist and leaned his forearm on him a couple times, until a pair of referees (y’know, the guys in striped shirts that lie down in unconscious sleep for an hour if touched by a wrestler) pulled him away.

To clarify for anyone who doesn’t know what these two people look like, Jim Ross is a 59-year-old man of heft who suffers from Bell’s palsy, and John Morrison is a young man with more abs than digits on his body. Actually, from that description, I would believe that the angry old man could deliver a more convincing beating than the sparkly-trousered ab guy. So whatever.

Honourable Mention: Booker T

Direct quote from Booker T: “Y’know I wouldn’t miss it for the world right now I can only imagine what these guys are going through I been there myself y’know and the anxiety that they’re going through I can only imagine I don’t even wanna talk about it”

Bonus Honourable Mention: Me for being way late on this. Sorry guys. Consider this the supplemental online draft version of a Raw review or something.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Aggressive Art, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Tom Holzerman - The Wrestling Blog, on Twitter, on Tumblr

SMACKDOWN REVIEW 4/22/11: TEEK TACK. TEEK TACK.

I love the way Alberto Del Rio says pretty much any word. He said "grandfather clock" with the emphasis on "grandfather." WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY.

This Smackdown review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art to form a pro wrestling Secret Avengers team of nerds. Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Credit to Jason for once again editing this way-too-long three-day-late mess of links and swear words.

BEGIN

FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN 04/22/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

ALBERT OF THE RIVER LIKES TO PARTY

I love that Alberto Del Rio just holds parties all the time. And I love that, for no apparent reason, his promo was scored by a guy (who was nowhere to be seen) noodling around on a Spanish guitar.

This is a new thing. It wasn't until Matt Hardy turned evil and started delivering resentful promos to his brother Jeff, while childhood pictures magically appeared on the screen accompanied by ominous tones. And this wasn't like when Sycho Sid or Mankind would come to the ring and start cutting a promo over top of their music that was still playing. This is new music being played over his promo, as if he told the guys in the truck "hey, I think my words would be more effective if paired with some bass synths." And Matt Hardy can't cut a promo over his own music because his music is just a man shouting.

Aside from the music, I like how a bad guy holding a party (or funeral or fiesta or whatever) in honour of a good guy always means prop comedy. Moreso, I like in wrestling logic how, instead of preparing for a match or training or anything that would make sense, we are supposed to believe that wrestlers are running around backstage cutting together video packages to show to their enemies, or ordering props and writing jokes about the people they hate. "Cardio? Oh no, I'm trying to hunt down a grandfather clock so I can illustrate the end of Edge's career." Because in wrestling, that is INFINITELY more important than any real athletics.

WRESTLERS VS. ENTERTAINERERS

As much of an Action Soap Opera Entertainment Movie Thrillride the WWE has become, there always remains a few WWE-bred guys who wrestle like wrestlers and don't entertain like entertainerers. Chris Masters is one of these guys. He throws chops like he's trying to hurt you. He sells the Future Shock DDT like rigamortis. And, conversely, Drew McIntyre (somehow) always seems to quietly have the most entertaining match on any given Smackdown.

This match was a good break from The Corre saying or doing anything.

CODY RHODES VS. REY MYSTERIO

When watching Smackdown, Cody Rhodes appearing on screen usually elicits a "YEAHHF" out of me. Whether he's wrestling, or emoting, or handing out paper bags to the audience, or supplementing his lisp with a cracking puberty voice, he usually ends up being my favourite part of the show.

The match was good. That nice tilt-a-whirl backbreaker move Jericho would frequently use against Rey was cool too. And if it weren't for the two commercial breaks and the clunky ending, I would have preferred this match to their WrestleMania match. Even still, it was pretty close.

The brawl afterward was unusually calm and paced like a regular match (I suppose to spell out what their Falls Count Anywhere match will look like at Extreme Rules), and had my eyes glazing over until Rey pitched Cody over the barricade like he was DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Honourable Mention: Remember those old-style video packages I was talking about?

Yeah, well it happened again. This gets an honourable mention for a) me being proven right and b) the package having to be edited HILARIOUSLY because of how half-baked the original promo was.

R-Truth: "i'm so happy!!"

Morrison: "give me the thing that made you happy"

R-Truth: "no"

Morrison: "you smoke and drink water"

R-Truth: "k"

FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN 04/22/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

SOFTCORRE

My least favourite instances featuring The Corre:

• Backstage segments that occur seemingly for no other reason than to showcase the zero charisma they all possess.
• Justin Gabriel touching Heath Slater's chest for an inappropriate amount of time.
• Wade Barrett's underwater punches.
• The things they say and do
• I'll stop now
• Their matching shirts
• Okay now

My favourite instance featuring The Corre:

• When the Big Show pitched Justin Gabriel over the top rope like he was DJ Jazzy Jeff.

BRODUS CLAY

Why can't he just look like a normal, intimidating dude, and not like if King Hippo and King Koopa three-way impregnated a Super Mario 2 turnip? Does he need a spiky mohawk that wouldn't have even been cool ten years ago? JUST STOP IT. And, we all know when you go "SHHEEEEE" you really mean "SHIIIIIIT" so don't write "SHEEEEEE" on your stupid shirt or it'll look like you're saying "SHEEEEE" which makes no sense.

You didn't always look this dumb. A quick Google image search brings up a handful of photos of you without your SHEEEETY mohawk (and for some unknown reason, a mugshot of Brian Christopher). Incidentally, a quick Wikipedia search reveals that you were the timekeeper for Extreme Chick Fights.

...sheeee.

MICHAEL TROLL

Michael Cole operates on a whole new plane of obnoxiousness previously undiscovered by the human race. I don't know how he's able to do it. Maybe it's the countless years of people hating his fucking guts when he just had to grin and bear it. I always wondered when he'd snap and go postal and just machine gun everybody to death, so maybe this is a nice way to keep that from happening. By letting him be a full-blown prick to everyone by channelling the fourteen years of pent-up rage.

Some of you might be thinking "why is this a BOO! if he's doing his job by getting you to hate him?" And that is true. He is perfectly irritating and couldn't be better suited for his role. But there's only so much applauding you can do, and there's only so much you can take before you're just like, "you've done a wonderful job FUCKING ANNOYING ME GOODBYE TV OFF."

Honourable Mention: Booker T

Booker T: "You know something, I've been watching this Justin Gabriel and I've noticed that Justin Gabriel, he's a high flyer."

I just picture Booker studying charts and algorithms before coming to this conclusion.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Aggressive Art, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

02/07/11 RAW REVIEW: RYAN VS. TRUTH l

Here's what I thought of the RAW that emanated from somewhere in Wisconsin.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/07/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

REAL THINGS!

It's the real things that make wrestling exciting. Do you think that opening segment would've been anywhere near as exciting had Punk not been busted open? When something happens that isn't supposed to, my ears perk up like a startled deer. Even when R-Truth forgot where he was (pretty mawnin' time?) and everyone made fun of him for the rest of the show, it made the entire night more entertaining. If these two things didn't happen, I feel like I would've been bored out of my skoll (that's me saying "skull" the way Randy Orton says it).

ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. SANTINO MARELLA

Two of my favourite guys wrestling over a really simple conflict from the Royal Rumble. There was nothing not to like about this. Also, Santino has somehow made it impossible for himself to not be over. He can be a total punchline and lose every match, but since that's his character, the crowd doesn't seem to care. Also, after a night of three Nexus matches, I accidentally cheered out loud when Del Rio came out, because he is, y'know, not completely boring.

BRYAN/LAWLER VS. MIZ/DIBIASE

I also liked how they set this match up with The King and The Miz going back and forth, but not as much as I liked the actual match. I also liked not having to see the Bellas (who are heel now so they do their sexy hip sway taunt with a MEAN FACE) when I see Daniel Bryan. Turns out that he can be exciting without the distraction of two skanks going "c'moon Dan-yullll... c'mon Dan-yull.." in weird unison.

Honourable Mention: Continuity. Mentioning Orton and Punk's past was a nice touch. But I also feel like rewarding WWE for remembering something they did and followed up on is dumb. It's like when people applaud when your plane lands.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/07/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

MASON RYAN VS. R-TRUTH VS. MILWAUKEE

To be totally honest, when I started watching last night, I was wasn't planning on writing about the show. I just felt like watching it. Then this happened, and I swear to God, it played out like one of those old Wrestling Observer recaps of WCW Nitro 2000. Allow me to take a stab at it:

"Mason Ryan is in the ring and Michael Cole throws to a video of himself explaining why all the New Nexus members are in singles matches against the participants of the Elimination Chamber match. R-Truth is Ryan's opponent and he comes out and says "GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - WHAT'S UP?!" and they're in Milwaukee. The crowd boos. Michael Cole starts burying R-Truth for getting the name wrong. R-Truth goes for the leapfrog off the corner to hop over Ryan, but he doesn't get all the way up and they just kind of collide. The crowd starts chanting "Milwaukee." After they die down, Michael Cole tries to get it started again by standing up and turning around and chanting it to no avail. Mason Ryan body slams R-Truth into the ropes three times. Ryan awkwardly applies the Brock Lock and wins. He then goes to get a chair, but the referee stops him and takes the chair away and throws it away twice with literally no struggle. Mason Ryan is like two Batista's stuffed into one body, and he had that chair snatched away from him twice by a scrawny ref. He goes in the ring and puts on that awkward Brock Lock again, and makes it more awkward by standing up with R-Truth dangling off of him, and doing almost a pelvic thrust type maneuver. The referee disqualifies Ryan after he already won and now R-Truth wins."

VINCE MCMAHON'S ANNOUNCEMENT

This was underwhelming in like ten ways. This was Vince's return to non-dream-sequence television for the first time in forever. And his announcement was an announcement... for an announcement! But, he gave us a hint. Since that guest host concept was so successful (read: not successful at all), we're getting one for WrestleMania. The live crowd was not too psyched about this, but who would be if a guy came out, essentially put down the Super Bowl (which your team just won), and announced that we'll get some sweet news next week. I couldn't believe that Vince looked surprised when people didn't go crazy for this. You'd think he'd have experience with making announcements since HE'S VINCE MCMAHON. I'm pretty sure he invented announcements (he didn't but I love hyperbole so much I want to marry it and tattoo it on my face forever infinity!!!!).

JOHN CENA

I can't even fully come up with a reason why. Maybe I was in a crabby mood. I just kind of felt my eyes glaze over when he did his "city of Milwaukee" promo. I don't think it's unreasonable to be a wrestling fan who writes about wrestling on the internet and not like it when John Cena leads an audience in a football cheer, punches CM Punk in the penis and beats everybody up with a steel chair.

Honourable Mention: The commentary. This has been said so many times it's barely worth mentioning. But sometimes I have one of those moments when I'm watching six women throwing themselves around the ring while Michael Cole is shouting about nothing and I wonder why the WWE think this is the best way to do it. Side note: if you watch Superstars after watching months of RAW and Michael Cole's infuriating, irrelevant commentary, your ears get this unmistakeable good feeling in them. It's because on Superstars, it's two jobbers (I mean this in the nicest way, as you'll see) wrestling each other, and because John Cena and The Miz aren't on this show, the announcers have no choice but to talk about the match. And because the two jobbers have no real storyline, they have no choice but to talk about the match. It's amazing to see WWE wrestling matches called as if they're just wrestling matches and nothing else. Watch this show and see what I mean.

The end!