HEY, PIZZABODY SLAM'S BACK! ... AAAAAAAND HE'S GONE

But this time I won't be gone for two years or whatever, honest!

I definitely hated restarting my blog after such a long hiatus, only to abandon it again for a month - BUT, it's because I had to go to China and Australia (because my job is insane) so at least there's that. I'll be back in a couple weeks, just in time for the Royal Rumble (which will definitely end like this).

For now, I'll leave you with this:



I don't know why, but I wish that everywhere I went Vince McMahon would describe my every move with that exact horny enthusiasm.

RAW IS DVR'D 12/09/13 - PIZZABODY SLAMMY EDITION: ASCENSION CERE-MONEY AM I RITE

I can't believe it's going to take me several hundred paragraphs of Slammy recap to get to that final segment Ascension Ceremony. 

Every feud now needs an Ascension Ceremony. Brodus Clay v. Xavier Woods for the right to use the Funkasaurus gimmick? Put the Funkadactyls and the track suit and a CD of Ernest Miller's theme music on that fancy new belt hanger, and have them shake hands while it all ascends to the rafters, and a bunch of other jobbers stand around and solemnly applaud.

Welcome to my second-ever RAW IS DVR'D. The format is simple: I let you know what to fast-forward and what to watch, in case you taped the show and don't want to hear The Miz's voice even once.

Before we get started, maybe give last week's review a read, and check out my post on Triple H and the Slammys. Now, onto me typing the word Slammy ten thousand times. SLAMMY SLAMMY TWERK SLAMMY

RAW IS DVR'D: PIZZABODYSLAMMY EDITION

DECEMBER 9TH, 2013

SLAMMY INTRO: WATCH

I've gone back and forth on the Slammys. At times, I've thought they are terrible and not as fun/hilarious as they used to be (between Rick Rude accepting the Jesse The Body Award and Owen Hart doing anything, how could any future Slammy Award show be anywhere near as good?). But I've also decided that I still have a bizarre love for them.

No amount of Dennis Miller forgetting wrestlers' names or unfunny Jerry Lawler/Booker T award show banter seems to change my excitement for the Slammys each year. This probably has more to do with the hypnosis WWE performed on me as a young boy and less to do with the Slammys actually being good, but hey look, everyone dressed up! The Slammys are neat!

The intro itself is partly hilarious, advertising wrestlers who will appear on the award show, as if John Cena and Randy Orton wouldn't be here anyway. Wow, how did they get Shawn Michaels to make an appearance? What an event.

But the best part is who they highlight. The first four names mentioned: Cena, Orton, Punk, Bryan. Seems obvious, but it also sets up the end of the show nicely.

HOW TO INSTALL THE WWE APP: FF

Have you ever used a phone? Who are we kidding, you're a wrestling fan. You need constant life instructions.

DANIEL BRYAN V. FANDANGO: WATCH

I'm gonna give the PIZZABODYSLAMMY for Shocker Of The Night to the WWE for actually starting the Slammy Awards with a wrestling match. I expected at least ten minutes of Jerry Lawler trying to work the word "twerk" into a Slammy presentation. 

Instead, they decided to set the crowd on goddamn fire with small-town Washington-born internet nerd twitter geek Daniel Bryan (a fire that would burn for three straight hours, plus overrun, plus post-show Spinarooni (/r/squaredcircle shoutout for that video). I was certain that Bryan's crowd reaction meant he'd be losing to Fandango and get continually embarrassed throughout the night, like they always seem to do with hometown guys on Raw (Punk in Chicago, JR in Oklahoma, etc). BOY WAS I WRONG.

This match was fun as all get out, largely thanks to the crowd tearing their lungs apart in cheering for Daniel Bryan. 

Half a PIZZABODYSLAMMY to these lazy Fandango-ers:

WYATT FAMILY ON THE TRON: WATCH

Is there a better gimmick turnaround out there than Husky Harris to Bray Wyatt? Even if Michael McGuillicutty got his hands on Stone Cold Steve Austin's knee braces and Space-Jam-stole his charisma, he still couldn't touch Bray Wyatt abducting the body of Husky Harris as a vessel for Satan's message. He delivers the kind of promos that make the Undertaker look like Jumpin' Jeff Farmer in eye liner.

I hope Bray Wyatt uses non-violent resistance against Bryan at TLC and lets Rowan and Harper do all the heavy lifting. It's so crazy that there's an unbelievable amount of potential for this feud, but Bryan has bigger things coming for WrestleMania (I hope).

BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: FF

Booker T: "Jerry, Have you ever laughed out loud?"

Lawler: "How about constantly throughout an entire three hour broadcast of this very show?"

Booker T: "lol"

NEW AGE OUTLAWS PRESENT THE SLAMMY FOR THE LOL MOMENT OF THE YEAR: FF

Here, the guys from TNA do a joke that was apparently done already in TNA and make fun of Billy Gunn's ability to speak.

The nominees are:

- woman gets fired

- man barfs

- Santino

- football in groin

- The Rock plays guitar

WINNER: The Rock, for making fun of Vickie Guerrero in a parody song that requires him, according to the parody song itself, to be dating Vickie Guerrero to make fun of her. He says BIOTCH (not even just straight up bitch) to UPROARIOUS CHEERS. 

Rock is not there to accept the award. lol?

The best part of this entire segment occurred only on Twitter, between Brandon Stroud and The Rock('s social media handlers).

SANTINO MARELLA V. DAMIEN SANDOW: FF

I'm actually impressed that there's been two matches inside a half hour of a Slammys show, even if this one isn't crazy good or anything. It's highlights include Big E. Langston on commentary again, not giving a single polite fuck about Sandow, Santino taking a leg sweep bump directly onto his eyebrows, and Big E making Sandow flinch after the match (I would've preferred if one of his enormous pecs reached out of his shirt and slapped Sandow in the face).

While I do enjoy his super-humble-athlete-in-post-game-interview demeanour, he should totally inject the personality found in his Instagram videos into his on-air character. He only has two up right now, but hopefully he'll upload three more because I NEED FIVE.

THE SHIELD PRESENT THE SLAMMY FOR THE DOUBLE-CROSS OF THE YEAR: WATCH

The Shield walk out in ALL BLACK SUITS and earn a PIZZABODYSLAMMY for getting their third set of clothes since debuting (1. Burglar Outfit, 2. Big Boss Man's Work Warehouse Factory Outlet Attire, 3. The Kim Kardashian Special).

Also, if you want to start ranking superstars' laughs in some kind of order, Bray Wyatt is first by a country mile, and somewhere in a distant second is Seth Rollins' "ha ha ha" cackle.

And, if you want to start showing dissension between Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, can we not make it about "who gets to read out the winner of the Slammy award we're presenting"? At LEAST have a Dissension Ceremony for The Shield, please.

And the nominees are:

- Mark Henry cries, namedrops his children, in order to murder John Cena

- Shawn Michaels (almost) kicks Daniel Bryan to turn on him at Hell In A Cell (can someone get me a running tally of how many "reluctant" pitfalls Shawn Michaels has counted?)

- Paul Heyman turns on CM Punk, busting his frigging head open at Money In The Bank

- Triple H turns on Daniel Bryan at SummerSlam, with Michael Cole screaming OH MY GOD OH MY GOD in the most hilarious voice and deserves to retroactively win the LOL Moment Of The Year.

WINNER: Shawn Michaels

HBK accepts the award to a mixed reaction, which he plays off in kind of a douchey way. "Thank you home-state of guy I double-crossed for this very award, I love you!" Normally, I really like retired Shawn Michaels, but that was weird. I wonder why he's being so shitty…

KOFI KINGSTON V. THE MIZ: FF

Here's what you missed: Kofi Kingston tries to wrestle The Miz, who after two moves goes "Kofi Kingston eh? No thanks! I'm too shitty. byeeeee" and goes to peace out. Kofi drags him back in and gets rolled up. Miz makes some Liar Liar era Jim Carrey faces and Kofi kicks him in the head and leaves. Miraculously a handshake is never offered by either of them.

EVE TORRES PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR DIVA OF THE YEAR: FF

Around this time, Zack Ryder tweets "Eve Torres… ugh" which makes everyone else go "oh yeah, that Zack Ryder/Eve Torres/Kane feud… ugh". I wish I could cut together a video of Kane dragging Zack Ryder under the ring to "hell" that would then cut to him being dropped behind the WWEShop.com merch table where he's hawking everyone's goods but his with a sad dad goatee.

And the nominees are:

- The Bella Twins (two divas)

- The Funkadactyls (two divas)

- Kaitlyn (held the Divas Title for 153 days in 2013)

- Natalya (friend of Great Khali)

- Eva Marie (um)

- AJ Lee (current Divas Champion, 175 days and counting)

WINNER(S): The Bella Twins

The Bellas winning should've started a whole new poll, where fans vote if they like the hippie one or the one that has the boobs and butt and lips that distract John Cena from fishing.

REY MYSTERIO, BIG SHOW & BRHODES V. THE REAL AMERICANS & (SIGH) RYBAXEL: WATCH

I LOVE when there's so many good wrestlers on Raw (Curtis Axel you're only included because your shittiness is outweighed by everybody else being good) that they have to cram an eight-man tag in the show somewhere, and it goes from zero to sixty in no time.

But I HATE that a commercial robbed us of even five seconds of Cesaro/Mysterio. And, uh-- 

stop doing that

But seriously, I'm VERY into the idea of Toni juggling Rey around like a leather bowling pin.

Lastly, I love when jobbers like Axel get hit with a six-finisher combo for the win. He was probably done after the Disaster Kick, but Mysterio decided to blast him with everything he's got before pinning him. Super fun match.

HOW TO INSTALL THE WWE APP: FF

First, take your phone. No, that's the remote control. Nope, that's an old Subway wrapper. Your phone is the thing you use to Tout Triple H catchphrases. Yeah, there you go.

BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: FF

Presenters for the presenters. As redundant as me telling you how awesome this next part was.

SHAWN MICHAELS PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR HBSHIZZLE: WATCH

HBK is back and it seems that he's only able to speak in his goofy uncle talking to his four year old nephew voice. Why are you so annoying? HBShizzle? That's not even your full nickname + a word that you think is hip but is sincerely just gibberish. It's just gibberish. Shawn hasn't lost his smile so much as he left the part of his brain that likes wrestling at home.

And the nominees are:

- Brock Lesnar (for the constant murder of Triple H and CM Punk)

- CM Punk (for the constant murder of Paul Heyman)

- Big Show (forrrrrrr…)

- Daniel Bryan (for YES YES YESYYESYYHGS)

- Randy Orton (for a bunch of Wade Barrett matches and then winning the WWE Title)

- John Cena (for being John Cena)

WINNER: John Cena Daniel Bryan what

That was genuinely unexpected. With Cena and Orton about to unify the World Titles at TLC, I thought by WWE logic it had to go to one of them. Is this the first time they've treated a hometown guy well on Raw? I feel like anytime Raw is in Chicago Punk gets buttfucked.

Daniel Bryan is the fucking man (says the internet blogger but STAY WITH ME). He's able to reference his history with HBK in two ways in one sentence, while Shawn is off making faces and pretending to care. Did retiring to film a hunting show turn you into a d-bag or what? JESUS. WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY

SIN CARA V. ALBERTO DEL RIO: FF

There wasn't anything wrong with this match, but it was kind of just there (and it was kind of just there last week too). In fact, check it out if you want to see Del Rio suffer himself a concussion by getting sunset-flip powerbombed from the top rope. I felt slightly sick watching it, but he was suited up and watching the Ascension Ceremony by the end of the show with eyes that either said "i am concussed" or "I just lost to Sin Cara clean two weeks in a row what the actual fuck".

THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS PRESENT THE FAN PARTICIPATION SLAMMY AWARD: WATCH

If only for the hilarious cross-section of fans we saw doing the Millions of Dollars dance:

And the nominees are:

- Fandango for Fandangoing

- Daniel Bryan for YESYESYESing

- John Cena for high voice / low voice

- R-Truth for his five year old rap song

WINNER: Daniel Bryan's YES YES YES

Meanwhile on Twitter, The Rock thanks everyone for the Slammy and casually mentions that he loves entertaining the people almost as much as he loves pussy. So there's that.

BRODUS CLAY V. XAVIER WOODS: WATCH

Worth watching because it's about twelve seconds long and includes Brodus powerbombing Woods completely out of his body. Brodus also gets MAD and attempts to turn Xavier into a fine paste before Sweet-T, former mist-spitting claw-handed monster, becomes the voice of reason.

Brodus also does sarcastic dinosaur hands, which is my favourite new taunt.

THE MIZ PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR INSULT OF THE YEAR: FF

Mostly because my feed cut out between Miz saying "welp" and Stephanie McMahon coming out to accept her award.

AJ's Pipebomb(shell) was the best thing on here, but I'm okay with anybody smacking Big Show around screaming "YA GONNA CRY HUH". It was as if Big Show came to Stephanie McMahon at the WWE offices in Stamford and was like "I can cry on command" and Steph grabs a trash pail and is all "ya gonna cry, huh? Gonna get wet? Huh?  he's gonna HE'S GONNA HEEE'S GONNA"

CM PUNK V. DEAN AMBROSE: WATCH

When the wrestling is good, so much less has to be said about it.

Punk sells his ribs like a (google ribs salesmen joke to put here). The story of Ambrose wanting to take Punk by himself, yet still confronting the rest of The Shield for not helping him is great, even if I hate that their Dissension Ceremony is right around the corner.

Thankfully, they're still a unit for now. But I suspect it won't be long until we get Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins bitching about Roman Reigns while he's conveniently listening in around the corner.

Anyways, fun match. Also, CM Punk didn't poop anywhere.

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TRIBUTE VIDEO: WATCH

OBVIOUSLY. Anything that remotely acknowledges history gives me a nostalgia boner. They could play a video of when Seth Green guest hosted Raw and I'd still be like "hey remember that? ha neat"

BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: FF

Here, The King reminds us all of how he died live on air that one time! EXTREME! In the literal sense!

MICK FOLEY PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR EXTREME MOMENT OF THE YEAR: FF

Mick Foley: "Hello my brain is now functioning at -23% because of so many of these extreme moments here is are your extreme moment nominees for extreme moment of the day today"

And the nominees are…

- The Shield kill the Deadman dead, who wasn't particularly bothered by it:

- Ryback spearing Cena through the light wall to end the Last Man Standing match in a draw (to this day neither man has yet to stand)

- CM Punk kendos the hell out of Paul Heyman

- The Wyatt's kidnap Kane to deprogram him back into regular clothes Kane

WINNER: CM Punk

Kendo sticks + Paul Heyman = extreme, so yeah. But kidnapping a monster after a ring of fire match to take him back to your backwoods cult hideout for several months IS WAY MORE EXTREME.

THE USOS V. ROWAN & HARPER: WATCH

Good GOD can this show stop having good wrestling already? I thought this was the Slammys!

EASILY the best finish on the show, and this show featured Curtis Axel beating beaten to death by tiny Rey Mysterio. The double dive looked dangerous as fuck, and the rest of the match featured enough lariats and superkicks that I'll never need to watch another ROH match again. (The PIZZABODYSLAMMY for hyperbole of the year goes to me).

BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: FF

ghgjsadsjd

BRET HART PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR MATCH OF THE YEAR: WATCH

Man, Bret is looking a little too much like Stu for my liking. At least he presented this Slammy with flair and pizazz. Ahem.

And the nominees are…

- Undertaker vs. CM Punk, WrestleMania 29 (I preferred Punk/Cena, Raw)

- Brhodes vs. The Shield, Battleground (either this one or, if it's eligible, Shield v. Team Hell No/Ryback, TLC)

- Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar, Extreme Rules (I preferred Punk/Lesnar, SummerSlam)

- The Rock vs. John Cena, WrestleMania 29 (I preferred Cena/Bryan, SummerSlam)

but that's just me being an internet whatever so here we go:

WINNER: John Cena vs. The Rock, WrestleMania 29

Cena should've won this, almost for sure. Just not for this match. 

It was a toss up between Cena/Bryan and Punk/Lesnar for me, but hey, how can anything top a Once In A Lifetime Match: Get Ready For The Sequel match? To be fair, I've only watched Cena/Rock II once (in my lifetime), so maybe it's better than I remember. I mostly remember being stuck in a time loop where Cena and Rock are switching from Rock Bottom to AA to Rock Bottom and back again until I smack the side of my TV and they carry on with the match.

NATALYA V. TAMINA: FF

wait hold on a sec.

YOUR MAIN EVENT - NATALYA V. TAMINA: FF

There we go. First Divas match to main event Raw since Trish/Lita from however many years ago?

Anyway, Natalya hugging Bret Hart was touching, if only because I imagined myself hugging Bret Hart and telling him it'll all be okay. Natalya wins, even with Tamina clobbering her all over the place (Natalya was whipped into the corner and suspended in mid air before falling down like Wile E. Coyote noticing he's run off a cliff, at least twice). 

After the match, she paid tribute to Owen, I'm assuming because he was the only wrestler to ever give a REAL SHIT about the Slammys.

CHAMPIONSHIP ASCENSION CEREMONY: WATCH. REWIND. WATCH AGAIN. OPEN MOUTH KISS YOUR TV.

Is there any way I can call this moment "Breaking Bad's Ozymandias but for WWE" without sounding like a huge wiener? No? OKAY GREAT

WOW. There are too many things to even mention about what happened here and what I liked (hint: I liked everything). That segment accomplished *counts on fingers* a BILLION different things, and whether any of them come to fruition in the near future or not, they are still seeds planted that will always be available to harvest into a big ass Charlie Brown GREAT WRESTLING PUMPKIN.

The first thing I loved about the Ascension Ceremony (besides it being called an Ascension Ceremony), was that normally these segments where guys hit a bunch of finishers to seem "chaotic", are done without any purpose whatsoever. It's just one finisher after another. It's still crazy and chaotic, but last night was six months (longer, in some cases) of storylines converging at once: Punk finally standing up to The Authority, Bryan getting revenge on HBK, the history between HHH/Orton/Stephanie being rekindled, Cena appearing to be with The Authority, a not-so-hard-to-imagine Best & Beard vs. DX match, Undertaker vs. Sting and so on. All it needed was Bret Hart sharpshooting HBK in the background somewhere with the ghost of my 11-year old self shedding a tear in the crowd. Even Jack Swagger's hilarious face while holding Orton gets an honourable PIZZABODYSLAMMY.

The show ended with REAL questions that weren't just "who stood tall" "who will stand tall" "what does it mean that someone stood tall" or whatever. It doesn't mean that we'll get every answer on Sunday, or even by WrestleMania. It's just satisfying as FUCK to have a show end with the most logical clusterwhoops in recent memory that has infinite potential for the future.

Cena did a great job of deflecting Bryan's cheers onto him. Even Orton brought it on the mic. Triple H was a real life dickhead about the Daniel Bryan chants and it was AWESOME (because, assumedly, he's drawing from real-life experience of being a dickhead).

MOST IMPORTANTLY, this crowd. Every now and then a crowd like this comes along and makes wrestling feel like the best most important thing. And Bryan just standing there with the goofiest grin in awe of the crowd wins ten PIZZABODYSLAMMYS for Most Adorable Thing Of The Night. Everybody's said it, but Bryan Danielson was in a ring full of HALL OF FAMERS and REAL FACES OF THE WWE and was getting the kind of cheers that DERAILED THE ENTIRE SHOW. 

It was like when a sports hero returns to his hometown for one more game and has to do like fifty different waves and mouth 500 "thank you" until the fans finally sit down so they can play the game.

Oh, and hey, about Shawn Michaels acting like a real wiener the whole show? I really can't tell how much of that and his "oh okay that's enough chanting for Daniel Bryan jeez" was on purpose, but it sure annoyed the hell out of me, so when Bryan kneed HBK it felt like Linda kicking Vince in the balls at WrestleMania X-7.

I gotta stop writing about this. I can't even really properly write about this. My keyboard is covered in spittle and smark slime.

One last thing, regarding Cena potentially being with The Authority (which, I want to believe is possible, but wrestling logic dictates that foreshadowing works backwards, much like momentum works backwards [you win a match going into the PPV, you lose the PPV match]).

Cena never shits on Triple H. He'll make vague remarks towards the powers that be or whatever, but never HHH directly. He's always saying he's the best performer and Orton is hiding behind him. Not that Triple H is a dick for protecting him, but that Orton's the dick for being protected. I think that's important. Even if it's just to hint that Cena could be with The Authority, and not that he actually is. It's to leave the door open.

I'm gonna wrap this up. I feel like this review is the length of a young adult novel and I still didn't get to say all I wanted to, but now I'm gassed and need to mail out these PIZZABODYSLAMMYS.

One last PIZZABODYSLAMMY for speedo clad CM Punk rubbing up on Stephanie McMahon. (Photo credit: /u/WorkFriendlyAcct from /r/squaredcircle)

See you next week.

AND THE SLAMMY FOR GUY WHO CONSTANTLY IS UP FOR SLAMMYS HE DOESN'T DESERVE GOES TO… TRIPLE H!

GUYS. Let's calm down. We can all agree that Punk/Lesnar, Punk/Cena, Bryan/Cena, Cesaro/Anyone, Orton/Show were all better than HHH/Lesnar. But let's put Triple H's Slammy history into perspective.

HHHe has a track record for sticking his nose in (lol because his nose rite) categories he has no business being in, dating all the way back to the 1996 Slammy's:

1996 SLAMMY AWARDS

BEST THREADS

Shawn Michaels

Ted DiBiase

Goldust

Mr. Perfect

Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Shawn Michaels wins this category, as he should. He made sparkling, unzippable stripper chaps look cool to every 11 year old on the planet. HBK had the "best threads" because they were as cool as saying "threads" in reference to your clothes. I don't wear clothes man, no way, I wear threads! And fingerless gloves!

Ted DiBiase belongs here, for once wearing a suit made of glitter with a dollar sign on it, because that is what rich people wear. 

Goldust absolutely belongs here because COME ON. He is a walking Slammy. Who doesn't' want to wear that wig and kickass robe and dunk their entire nude body in gold bodypaint? Right?

Mr. Perfect belongs here because this was around the time where he was on commentary, showing up in fresh ass suits.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley DOES NOT BELONG HERE. If we're talking ring gear, how can you honestly tell me his white wrist tape and boring riding pants are cool clothes THREADS. His ring jacket is definitely one that Ric Flair picked up and was like EW NO THANK YOU and left near a pile booze and women that Triple H eventually found.

Okay, maybe his non-wrestling attire was pretty sweet. But still, he's no sparkly Shawn Michaels or sparkly Goldust or sparkly Ted DiBiase. SPARKLY.

In the same year, Hunter was up for FIVE more Slammys, including:

1996 SLAMMY AWARDS

WWF'S GREATEST HIT

The Undertaker sucks Diesel into the abyss

Diesel throwing Bret Hart through a table

Jeff Jarrett smashes Ahmed Johnson with a guitar

Yokozuna banzais two wrestlers at once

Hunter Hearst Helmsley

WOW, okay so obviously The Undertaker using his black magic to suck Big Daddy Cool into "the abyss" (how they confirmed that, I don't know) should win this category. 

Also in there is Diesel throwing Bret Hart through a table. This was before they realized they should take the monitors off the announce table before putting someone through it, because they act as big pointy table-shrapnel that dent your body permanently. This was a WWF Great Hit for sure.

Jeff Jarrett bashing a guitar over Ahmed Johnson's head is most definitely appropriate. Guitar shots can go horribly wrong and maybe, I don't know, doom you to a life of drugs and depression, or at the very least, slice your entire face open.

And Yokozuna BANZAI-ing two wrestlers at once belongs without question. Yokozuna is in the ballpark of 600 pounds, which then would mean this is more like 3-4 people BANZAI-ing two people at once, which is way more people than were actually involved. Yokozuna's body is more deadly a weapon than a table or a guitar or Undertaker voodoo could ever be.

Then there's Hunter Hearst Helmsley. That's it. Not "Hunter Hearst Helmsley hits Rocky Maivia with a chair" or "Hunter Hearst Helmsley throws Marlena down some stairs" or "Hunter Hearst Helmsley pulverizes the bones of Duke Droese in Duke Droese's Dumptruck". NOPE. Just "Hunter Hearst Helmsley". At least that's how Wikipedia shows it. I don't even want to go back and watch what he was actually up for.

1996 SLAMMY AWARDS

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT

Jerry Lawler kisses his own foot

Ted DiBiase gets slopped by Henry Godwinn

Bodydonna Skip loses to previously winless Barry Horowitz

1-2-3 Kid dons a diaper

Hunter Hearst Helmsley gets dropped into the hog pen

It's funny to think that Triple H lost anything to "Jerry Lawler kisses his own foot". But there it is right there.

Ted DiBiase getting slopped by Henry Godwinn is pretty embarrassing. It's also kind of amazing that HOG is running around slopping people and chucking them in the hog pen, just filling up this category by himself. They all should've been Godwinn related. "In the future, Phineas runs nude through the ring as a recurring gimmick" would be a pretty embarrassing one.

Skip losing to Barry Horowitz is a HILARIOUS potential "most embarrassing moment". How the fuck is the next nominee not "being nominated for Most Embarrassing Moment for winning a match - Barry Horowitz"?! What's even funnier is that every other moment involves some kind of slop or diaper or weird foot kissing. This one is just "A GUY THAT SUCKS WON A MATCH". That is on par with wearing a diaper in public. Wow. Sorry, Barry.

Then there's Hunter Hearst Helmsley getting dropped into the hog pen, in the hog pen match against Henry Godwinn. Kind of embarrassing, but come on, that was bound to happen in a Hog Pen Match. A better choice would've been "wrestling in a Hog Pen match and losing to the Ultimate Warrior in twenty seconds at WrestleMania because you wanted to hug your buds in the ring".

1996 SLAMMY AWARDS

US WEST MATCH OF THE YEAR

Shawn Michaels vs. Razor Ramon in a ladder match from SummerSlam '95

Lawrence Taylor vs. Bam Bam Bigelow from WrestleMania XI

Howard Finkel vs. Harvey Wippleman in a Tuxedo Match from Raw

Bret Hart vs. Diesel from Survivor Series '95

Henry Godwinn vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley in a Hog Pen Match from IYH #5

Welp, this category sure is a shitshow, isn't it? Off the top of my head I can't name too many awesome 1995 WWF matches. This category basically has two joke matches, a match that featured a football player beating a wicked wrestler, and a Diesel match, so obviously there's only one winner.

Nevertheless, I'd still argue that if I spent five minutes looking around, I could find three better matches than Hunter vs. HOG in a Hog Pen Match. I mean, Owen Hart was around, COME ON.

1996 SLAMMY AWARDS

BEST HAIR

Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Mankind

Steve Austin

Bret Hart

Shawn Michaels

Hunter wins one! And this is probably the only won he should've won. In fact, IT DEFINITELY IS. Look at the nominees for fuck's sake.

Mankind PULLS HIS OWN HAIR OUT so even he doesn't like it. Steve Austin is bald, and I would probably still place him second, because Bret Hart's hair is 76% grease. And, okay, Shawn Michaels is up there too, but he has like 18 Slammys to his name. He was probably like "fuck it just give it to Hunter, his hair is kinda like mine".

1996 SLAMMY AWARDS

BEST COUPLE

Goldust and Marlena

Marc Mero and Sable

Bill and Hilary Clinton

Siegfried and Roy

Chyna and Triple H

Yep, that's right. Triple H is up for Couple Of The Year for 2013 with Stephanie McMahon, and has been previously nominated for that same category, but with Chyna. Think they'll bring that up tonight?

Goldust and Marlena take this category, and rightfully so. I mean, do you see any pics of Triple H and Chyna like this? If you have, send them over here in a totally not weird way.

Marc Mero and Sable - great couple. This is before Marc got Marvellous and was trying to stop Sable from showing us 11 year old boys her boobs. At this point in time, he's just a Wild Man with a blonde lady in leather walking around with him, which in wrestling = normal couple.

Bill and Hilary Clinton - another great couple. Bill's matches are-- wait, what? We're including REAL LIFE NON-WRESTLING COUPLES?

Siegfried and Roy? Man, how the fuck can Triple H and Chyna be nominated if we're nominating real life couples? Are Siegfried and Roy actually a couple or is this just an opportunity for the WWF to point and go "lol gay!"?

So yeah. Chyna and Triple H up for Best Couple? NO THANK YOU. Especially when Jennifer Love Hewitt and Joey Lawrence are right there.

Now, because Triple H being up for six Slammy Awards forced the show to be cancelled for eleven years, we're jumping to 2008. Triple H is up for one award, because the WWE learned their goddamn lesson:

2008 SLAMMY AWARDS

SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR

Chris Jericho

Batista

Edge

Jeff Hardy

John Cena

Triple H

This one is pretty clear cut. Chris Jericho dominated 2008 by being the Best In The World At What He Does, which is reinventing himself and becoming a better Chris Jericho all the time (until just after this precise exact period, damnit).

Batista feuded with Shawn Michaels and was the catalyst for turning Chris Jericho heel, which lead to the feud of the year between him and HBK. Big Dave also pinned John Cena clean at SummerSlam (one of like three people to beat Cena squeaky clean on PPV ever), and he also beat the red-hot Jericho for the World Heavyweight Championship. He deserves to be nominated for sure.

In 2008, Edge headlined WrestleMania, beat The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Title at One Night Stand, which forced the Undertaker to leave the WWE, beat Batista on PPV, survived being sent to literal hell by the Undertaker, and won the WWE Title at Survivor Series. Goddamn.

Jeff Hardy's 2008 included him losing a WWE Title match to start the year, losing the Intercontinental Title to Chris Jericho, getting suspended for sixty days for a drug violation and therefore being dropped from the Money In The Bank ladder match at WrestleMania, getting left in a stairwell to die and then winning the WWE Championship at the end of the year. Hooray!

Then, there's John Cena. In 2008, he made a miraculous return from a pectoral injury, won the Royal Rumble, became a World Tag Team Champion, and won the World Heavyweight Championship. He also spent a lot of time on the shelf due to injuries, but any time he was around, he was winning stuff.

And how about Triple H? He Pedigreed Jeff Hardy right into suspension to win the Chamber match at No Way Out, lost to Randy Orton and Cena at WrestleMania, then spent the year padding his title stats by beating Orton at Backlash to tie The Rock for most WWE Title reigns. He then had matches with the Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov to round out the year before losing his WWE Title to the Charismatic Enabler Jeff Hardy.

So one WWE Title win and a year of trying his Triple Hest to get Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov over.

The amount Triple H beat Randy Orton that year is nuts though, especially because it eventually lead to the Home Invasion feud where Triple H beats him again. Hoo boy. Superstar of the Year!

2009 SLAMMY AWARDS

TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR

Jeri-Show (Chris Jericho and Big Show)

Legacy (Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase)

The Hart Dynasty (David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd)

D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels)

Yeah, this one makes no sense. DX reunited halfway through the year when Triple H got Shawn Michaels to leave his job as "a chef that occasionally superkicked children". DX feuded with Legacy, tried to beat John Cena in a triple threat match and failed, did comedy skits with Mike Tyson and Hornswoggle, and then finally beat Jeri-Show for the Tag Titles.

Meanwhile, Legacy and The Hart Dynasty are also nominated, when Miz & Morrison and Carlito & Primo held the tag belts for the first half of the year. Triple H and Shawn Michaels win them right before the Slammys and all of a sudden they're up for Tag Team Of The Year. NO TRIPLE H. NO.

I don't know if I can do another 300,000 words on how Triple H is the worst but here we go because he's up for ALL THE SLAMMYS:

2009 SLAMMY AWARDS

EXTREME MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Jeff Hardy jumps from ladder onto CM Punk at SummerSlam

Kofi Kingston lands a Boom Drop on Randy Orton through a table at MSG

Big Show chokeslams John Cena into arena spotlight at Backlash

Triple H invades Randy Orton's home

So it's

- guy does wrestling move

- guy does wrestling move

- guy does wrestling move

- guy breaks into another wrestler's home and attempts to murder him

This might actually be the one he most deserves. But If no one's around to chant E-C-DUB then is it actually extreme?

2010 SLAMMY AWARDS

MOMENT OF THE YEAR

The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels in Michaels' final match

Wade Barrett fires John Cena

Sheamus attacks Triple H

Chris Jericho vs. Edge at WrestleMania XXVI

This was when they decided not to do "matches" and instead just do "moments" because I don't know, they hate us?

OF FUCKING COURSE Sheamus attacking Triple H is WAY WORSE than Shawn Michaels' entire retirement match at WrestleMania. This whole category basically undermines the entire existence of wrestling, trying to put up "one guy attacking another guy", or worse, "one guy FIRING another guy", as being as important or good as ENTIRE WRESTLING MATCHES (y'know, the thing that wrestling IS).

Stupid fucking Triple H UGHJHBVHJG.

2011 SLAMMY AWARDS

MOST REGRETTABLE ATTIRE OF THE YEAR

Michael Cole as Triple H

Also, not nominated, but totally should have been: Triple H as Triple H.

2011 SLAMMY AWARDS

OMG MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Triple H performs The Undertaker's Tombstone Piledriver on The Undertaker

The Rock gives John Cena a Rock Bottom at WrestleMania XXVII

WWE Superstars vote of no confidence and walkout on Triple H

CM Punk wins the WWE Championship at Money In The Bank and walks away

More vague "moment" awards, and Triple H is nominated TWICE. One of them is Triple H doing a wrestling move and the other is everyone realizing Triple H sucks and leaving him. OMG?

Triple H doing The Undertaker's finisher to him in an Undertaker WrestleMania match has to be the least OMG thing on there, and it won. How it isn't different moments from the CM Punk Money In The Bank title match, I don't know. Either way, Triple H is on here twice and won when he only belongs on here zero times goddamnit.

2012 SLAMMY AWARDS

MATCH OF THE YEAR

Hell in a Cell: The Undertaker vs. Triple H - WrestleMania XXVIII

Extreme Rules: Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena - Extreme Rules

Big Show vs. Sheamus - Hell In A Cell

The Rock vs. John Cena - WrestleMania XXVIII

YEP. COOL. GREAT.

Okay, now onto this year:

2013 SLAMMY AWARDS

COUPLE OF THE YEAR

Triple H and Stephanie McMahon

Fandango and Summer Rae

Tyson Kidd and Natalya

Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella

John Cena and Nikki Bella

Naomi and Jimmy Uso

Incredibly, this category seems to be exclusive to those on Total Divas, except just kidding, Triple H is there. If this isn't a tie between the Bella Power Couples then I'll Pedigree myself.

2013 SLAMMY AWARDS

THIS IS AWESOME MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Dolph Ziggler cashes in Money In The Bank on Alberto Del Rio

Big Show knocks out Triple H on Raw

Kofi Kingston saves himself from elimination by using JBL's chair at Royal Rumble

Daniel Bryan wins his second WWE Championship from Randy Orton at Night of Champions

More moments of the year. Triple H is up for getting punched in the face. That… is awesome. Damnit, okay, maybe he belongs here too. Shit. But in the sense of "This-Is-Awe-Some" crowd chanting, it certainly belongs the least. They should have a guy in a TNA hoodie give this award out.

2013 SLAMMY AWARDS

DOUBLE CROSS OF THE YEAR

Triple H turns on Daniel Bryan at SummerSlam

Shawn Michaels turns on Daniel Bryan at Hell In A Cell

Mark Henry turns on John Cena during his retirement

Paul Heyman turns on CM Punk at MITB

GODDAMNIT. Triple H ruins so many things he's even ruining this blog. He definitely deserves to be in this one, even if the best double cross is obviously when Mark Henry cried just to betray sappy-ass John Cena. That was a masterpiece and I want to hang a gif of it in my den.

But the point of this blog was to point out how Triple H has never really been up for a Slammy he deserved. I wish there was another category he was up for this year, in which he shouldn't even be considered for oh wait that's right i found it right here:

2013 SLAMMY AWARDS

MATCH OF THE YEAR

Undertaker vs. CM Punk - WrestleMania XXIV

John Cena vs. The Rock - WrestleMania XXIV

Cody Rhodes and Goldust vs. The Shield - Battleground

Steel Cage: Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar - Extreme Rules

Quick, name four better matches than Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. Was this even the best HHH/Lesnar match of the three? I can't remember because they were all boring and made me delete the contents of my brain.

Triple H, it took you until this year to be up for a Slammy that wasn't for Best Hair that you deserved. And now you've shaved your head so you can't even win that. Stop ruining such prestigious annual (except for that 11 year gap) traditions such as The Slammy Awards. And stop ruining my blog about you ruining things.

Also, stop ruining wrestling.