Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Whenever I disappear for a month or so, I always have a hard time of getting back into the swing of things and shaking off the ring rust. Just yesterday I almost posted a blog that was about Tommy Dreamer posting pictures of his deformed penis on Twitter, but then I thought better of myself. These are the things I struggle with every day.

But last night I watched RAW, and that provided enough of a spark for me to get back on track and make "hilarious" observations and comments about professional wrestling today!

Photo - WWE.com

Well that seems totally back-asswards, doesn't it? Normally I hate the hokey comedy and just want more wrestling... turns out Santino is way the fuck funnier than David Otunga is a good wrestler (he's not a good wrestler).

Before I get to the Like/Dislike, I should mention that I missed the 9:00 airing of RAW and tuned into the replay at midnight. Well, I actually tuned in a few minutes in as I was watching the Conan season premiere, but I managed to flip over once in time to see John Cena reading an novelty-sized scroll, lol'd, then flipped back. Conan went to commercial and I flipped back to RAW in time to see John Cena shove David Otunga onto his bottom, and I lol'd again. I think it's fair to say that I made the right choice in my television viewing. Although I am curious if Cena was announcing a GHC Jr. Heavyweight Championship match or something.

I then wondered if I should do a "Flipping Between RAW and Conan" review each week by just catching the replay of RAW, kind of like what I did with Impact, but less funny (Conan is hilarious, but Impact... I mean c'mon).

- Santino's Tea Party. Santino is essentially crazy over for being a stand-up comedian, it's incredible. His "ginger" tea line killed. If he could wrestle half as good as he cracks people up, he'd be WWE Champion. This, combined with Vladmir Kozlov's bowler hat and Sheamus' reactions made this the best segment of the night.

- Josh Matthews' "6 Divas, 1 cup" line. Sneaky.

- One time I just want Michael Cole to be like, "If I could have your attention please... I have just received an email from Triple H-- I MEAN THE RAW GM!! DAMNIT."

- Tyson Kidd's big somersault-plancha-to-hurricanrana on the outside.

- Natalya: "we're a family!!"

- The clip of the NXT wedding. That was better than most of what's happened on this show.

- Goldust can still go like a golden retriever out there. I wish I had a better joke to put in there but I don't. He's still the man. I love that he's actually in a feud right now. Seeing him lined up with his dad and brother on NXT was awesome, I hope there's something they can do together - a Cody/Goldust feud would probably cripple me emotionally for all of the touching moments it would have until Cody snaps and says he's ashamed of his older brother or something.

- lofl. Cena wins line of the night with the "CAB'S AH HERE" on his way up the ramp. Quoting Jersey Shore on your wrestling show - fine with me. Inviting Jersey Shore to your wrestling show - not so much.

- IS JOHN CENA REALLY BACKSTAGE JUST WATCHING WRESTLEMANIA COMMERCIALS?!?? LOFL. There was a little smile on his face after it ended, like he just does this to make himself feel better. Holy hell.

- The Miz and how he's getting some crazy reactions lately. Michael Cole and Alex Riley's giddy hug was pretty awesome too.

- Mark Henry getting fired up and forgetting that Husky Harris weighs a billion pou--DOESN'T MATTER HE SLAMMED HIM ANYWAY.

- Daniel Bryan is the saving grace of every episode of RAW.

- The main event. But sadly, I think the only reason it was god was because of how brutal the rest of the wrestling was.

- Seeds planted for Miz/Orton.


- The wrestling. And this show. It sucked a big dink. And guess what - the crowd thought so too! Because they were as lifeless as Vince McMahon in a coma (real version, not dream version). The Divas match wasn't anything besides the Bellas bouncing on the apron (if their job isn't to pander to guest hosts, it's to bounce on the apron and wave), the tag match was unfortunately boring (I like both teams), and David Otunga wrestles like his body is working against itself. The main event, as I mentioned, was good, but it still had that thing where guys just all come in at the end and hit their finisher. I really feel like that only works when it's happening fast, and this was happening slow as all fuck.

- Back to David Otunga. Seeing him try and convey like six different emotions in that backstage segment with Wade Barrett where he just squinted his eyes and bit his lip was embarrassing to watch, and I've watched Al Snow sell the facials for eating his own dog.

- Why is it that the only stories that tag teams can tell are "tag team wins tag team titles" and "tag team splits up" - as pondered aloud (or in text) by K. Sawyer Paul at Footnotes of Wrestling (I think... maybe it was someone else. I spend so much time on his blog that I just assume that everything I talk about is stolen from there), ROH has NO trouble in telling different stories with tag teams. But here I am watching the Hart Dynasty breaking up for no apparent reason. The other thing is I'm pretty sure it's not hard at all to breathe life into the tag division. All it takes is one team to go "hey, we're going to be the most dominant team ever, try and stop us." Then other teams (picked up from developmental or the indies) try and stop them. It'd be great.

- I still can't get over the fact that Nexus started as incredible as it did, with shockingly real violence and chaos, and now they're having moments backstage like they were plucked from a shitty Friends episode where everyone is jovial and talking until someone walks in the room and everyone hushes because there's an awkward tension now!! Uh-oh guys, don't say anything about Wade when David's in the room because they're not getting along. Don't want to step on any toes. Also, don't mention Jen to Dawson when Joey's in the room, because shit will get awkward then too.

- The "Let's Go Cena/Cena Sucks" chant makes me wretch into my mouth when David Otunga is the one opposing Cena. When David Otunga is in the ring, NO ONE ELSE SUCKS. They're all just better than that sacka crap.

- Holy shit. How are you Mr. Perfect's son and you don't know how to take a German Suplex. I'm pretty sure that's how you were conceived.

- With CM Punk and Evan Bourne and Chris Jericho all missing from RAW, there is a giant black hole of suck that can't be repaired. Please come back soon. Please.

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