SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE PART III - THE TRILOGY!

I've made quite the habit of leaving and then making a triumphant return by writing a 300 page screenplay about what happened while I was gone. This post is the third in that vein, and completes the trilogy (until I go away and come back again, which will undoubtedly happen. I'm like your stepdad.). Also, I feel the need to point out that I had to look up whether to use "vein" or "vain" in that turn of phrase by going to a site called "UsingEnglish.com". Derp.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

Photo - WWE.com

Every time I peace out for a while, something big seems to happen. The first time, the match of the year happened in Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler (not to mention Stephanie McMahon's fever dream of fucked up shit). The second time, the Miz cashed in his Money In The Bank briefcase and became WWE Champion. This time?

MATT HARDY GOT DREADS

STOP THE PRESSES

Photo - TNAWrestling.com

I'm about to be the eleventy billionth person to tell you that he looks like a fat Tyler Reks because (here I go) he looks like a fat Tyler Reks. Matt Hardy said he was going to reincarnate himself, but instead he just went to Sandals Jamaica. I hear the grapes are good there. But I think I prefer the Cher look myself.

Something actually big happened while I was gone (but I will admit I was most excited to write about Matt Hardy's new hair you guys):

CM PUNK IS NEXUS

AND NOT AGAINST THEM (WELL SOME OF THEM)

Photo - WWE.com

If anyone can take something shitty and turn it unshitty (I think there's a less crude, more fruity phrase for what I just said), it's CM Punk. He took Festus and gave us Luke Gallows. He managed to sit next to Michael Cole on commentary, and not just survive, but flourish. He took Darren Young and let him die because some birds just weren't meant to fly.

I fully expect Punk's alliance with Nexus to take the Punk/Cena feud to stupid-good heights. It's started off a bit slow with Punk being hurt, and with John Cena being a jackass. He's all over the map with his swearing and poop jokes and "now I'm inexplicably angry" voice - and by doing so, he's literally proving CM Punk right at every turn.

I'm pretty sure I called Cena out (not to his face, I would never do that in fear of THE POWER OF A THOUSAND SUNS RAININ' DOWN ON ME AND I WILL BE COMPRUHMISED) on his word being bullshit a while ago. Let's see if I can rustle that up:

"John Cena is a strange character. Going into a match, all he cares about is the WWE Title, the WWE Universe, the WWE, etc. It's the most important and most serious and most preacher-voice-worthy thing ever. He's our hero and will only settle for victory. Then the next night, after he loses, he jokes and plays it off and doesn't really care. He smiles and passes his loss off as nothing. How long can this go on before people are like "why should I believe that you care about something when you show time and time again that you don't?" Maybe I'm nitpicking, but the video package for Night of Champions had about twelve quotes from Cena saying THIS IS ALL I GOT!!! and then he lost but it doesn't matter." - Me, 09/21/10.

Anyway, I'm sure Punk will reach inside this one-part-goofy one-part-angry John Cena and pull out the same John Cena that Roddy Piper managed to one week before Survivor Series, and this feud will be epic. Until then, I'm just waiting for Cena to flub "CM Sucks" and say "Cena Sucks."

RAW VS. SMACKDOWN

SMACKDOWN SHINES, RAW DOES WHATEVER THE OPPOSITE OF SHINING IS

Photo - WWE.com

I was going to say sweat like some cheese you left out on the counter, but that was way too specific (even if it's kind of accurate).

Watching four hours of each show back to back makes this sentiment very clear: these are two HUGELY different wrestling shows. While RAW was fading countless backstage segments together, SmackDown was bringing the wrestling in fucking fistfuls. RAW seriously did this: -fade to- the Miz and Alex Riley arguing -fade to- CM Punk talking to a cameraman -fade to- Daniel Bryan, the Bellas and Tyson Kidd posturing -fade to- Randy Orton slow talking (he's got a David Caruso thing going right now) -fade to- commercial.

Meanwhile, SmackDown decided to have wrestling matches. Last week's show in particular was one of the best I've seen in recent memory. From Kofi's Intercontinental Title win(s) against Ziggler, to the 2 out of 3 Falls match between Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio, to the Fatal Fourway #1 Contender's match for the World Heavyweight Title (which featured Big Show ENTERTAINING ME FOR REAL), to even Edge vs. Kane in a Last Man Standing match, I was never not loving this show. The week before even had Trent Barretta jumping over the top rope to the outside like he's trying to put out an imaginary fire on his back - can this show do any wrong? Ever since they murdered Paul Bearer and let the wrestlers wrestle instead of rub food on each other, this show has been right back to where it's been in the past - golden.

RAW, on the other hand, has been less than golden. Maybe less than bronze. It's kind of just a waterlogged piece of driftwood right now. Aside from the Falls Count Anywhere match between John Morrison and The Miz, Miz cutting a scary real promo on the "WHAT" chanting crowd, and Shawn Michaels making a surprise appearance for his 2011 Hall of Fame announcement (and kicking Alberto Del Rio in the face so hard that I think in his time off he forgot that wrestling is fake)... what has there been? The answer is nothing. Or boring crap. I would have also accepted "stupid boring crap."

Having both Cena and Punk nursing injuries, and the fact that they're inexplicably demoting Daniel Bryan to "already in the ring" status for meaningless matches definitely does not help. But still, it's pretty bogus to see SmackDown own RAW in every conceivable way. Even the promo between Kingston, Ziggler and Swagger from two weeks ago was as good as any promo on RAW, and those guys aren't exactly known for their personalities.

MOVING ON

ROH ON HDNET

NO MORE?

Photo - Scott Finkelstein's Get Lost Photography

First it was taken from my precious YouTube. Now, right after I get HD (uh... but still not HDNet - but Jason Mann of WrestleSpective just got HDNet, so let's all feel his pain), the show gets dropped.

This is, in a (outdated) word, a bummer. I'm curious as to where ROH goes from here. Is anyone interested in putting their show on TV? Is ROH interested in being on TV (dumb question)? HDNet was definitely a great tool in promoting their iPPVs, if not through their actual show, then through the promos they were able to make and release online. Hopefully things bounce back and they're able to find a network that works well for them. If you're interested in hearing about this, you should check out today's episode of The Fight Show (literally airing as I type this) by searching for the podcast on iTunes. Until that goes up, you can check out these details from 411Mania.

THE CORE GROUP

TO TNA!

With every single one of these long-winded "since I've been gone" recaps, there's been more and more talk of the entire "core group" (Hardys, Helms, Moore, Kimo, etc.) showing up in TNA. And I think... seeing as I just witnessed Gregory Helms sign a contract on YouTube (the future is now!), my dreams are about to come true (unless if the contract was for somewhere else, but c'mon now). And just in time for me to DVR Impact and fast forward to whatever must-see, bonkers, accidentally-hilarious shit that these esteemed fellows come up with. Already Matt Hardy got dreadlocks and Jeff Hardy smoked a cigarette on the way to the ring at Genesis - I can't even begin to wonder what kind of Megazord of crazy that the core group will form when they get together.

Thank you, mythical wrestling gods, for answering my prayers. I only hope my DVR can process the lunacy that will inevitably come.

Welp, that's it. One more enormous return blog for you to read (or, more likely, scroll through and look at the pictures). Did I miss anything? If it's Matt Hardy related, it's okay, I think I got enough.

LETDOWNS 2010: THE NEXUS AS "RENEGADES"

Monday, June 7th, 2010. The craziest FUCKING thing the WWE has done in years happened. This:

After two solid years of PG programming lacking any kind of edge or true realism (save for the epic Jericho/Michaels, which happened pretty much right smack dab in the middle of the big switch to PG), the Nexus was born in the realest angle of all time. Or so it felt. Between Triple H's over dramatized home invasion/hunt for Randy Orton, and countless John Cena comedy feuds, it felt like we hadn't seen anything "real" in a long time.

And in came the Nexus. Wade Barrett and the seven other NXT Season One rookies eerily appeared, one by one, at ringside on RAW that fateful night. What followed was one of the most intense attack angles in WWE history. They took out everyone. Wrestlers, announcers, security, staff, you name it. They tore up the set, broke down the ring - and the glorious soundtrack to it all was the silence from the announcers' headsets and the shrieks from the crowd.

What made it especially terrifying (I was scared, okay? I peed a little. Alright, a lot.) was that these were familiar faces. We just watched weeks of these goofs flipping their hair and hanging out with Matt Hardy and trying to get terrible catchphrases over on NXT. But that night they were different. They were scary. Why were they so crazy?! What happened to the hair flipping?! It was like a creepy alternate universe for one night only.

Yep. One night. Because in the weeks and months that followed, we didn't get this scary, show-destroying "renegade" group. We got something different.

Like David Otunga singing on the George Lopez Show.

Or tweets from the Nexus Twitter about all the sweet deals we can get!

Or countless sitcom-like backstage segments where the Nexus talked and emoted like the cameras weren't there. I can't take David Otunga's lip-biting anymore. What the FUCK happened?

I will concede that sure, maybe it wasn't possible to give Nexus that same presence they initially had for an entire year. But did they have to get WWE brand t-shirts and theme music and a titantronand a catchphrase so quickly? Not to mention the fact that they went back to just the same old beatdowns that every other heel does in the company.

It's just such a change from how they debuted. I wish there was a way for them to truly commit to their characters. The Nexus could've been true renegades, and it would've been awesome. It seems like they tried at first. Even the second beatdown they did felt crazier than normal, run of the mill WWE beatdowns. And there was a rumour that they were told to not give autographs to fans and stuff - that's good enough for me! Just stick with that! But no, they had to get their stupid fucking theme music and lose everything that was ever special about them.

The John Cena/Nexus feud had some of the most memorable and goosebump-worthy moments of the year for me. But the feud also asked you to look the other way on so many small, logical details. I feel like if the Nexus were treated as true renegades, and kept as scary and unpredictable as they were that first night, it would've been a lot easier to overlook John Cena reading a novelty-sized scroll and the fact that the GM would ever legitimately agree to allowing Wade Barrett try and force John Cena to cheat for him or else he gets fired - think about that, that makes no sense.

Sure, the stipulation is that John Cena has to do what Wade Barrett says, get him water, raise his hand in the dressing room to make him feel good, whatever. But once it's "help me cheat to beat Randy Orton for the title" shouldn't the GM be like "uh, no, because that's breaking the rules and I'm the GM and won't allow that, or at the very least I won't fire John Cena for not helping you break the rules." I get that they wanted to put John Cena in a situation where he had to make a tough decision, and it's admirable that they wanted to do anything with him that wasn't about John Cena rising up and toppling insurmountable odds (it sure made for some epic video packages and fan reactions), but there was some definite plotholes that were hard to ignore once you thought of them.

WOW I've gone on forever about this. The Cena/Nexus feud wasn't even supposed to be the main focus of this post. This is about the Nexus as "renegades" and that's it.

Anyway, I'm going to cap this off with an excerpt from one of my own RAW reviews from earlier this year, where I think I summed up what I'm feeling right now better than I just did:

I still feel like it would make sense to call the Nexus a renegade group if they didn't have their own graphics and t-shirts and titantron videos and shitty music shit. If they're going to be a renegade group, keep them that way. Make it truly seem like they don't belong. Don't create Nexus brand crap. Have them come out to complete silence. Think about logic and believability before you think about selling a fucking t-shirt. Maybe when you do that, you'll sell more everything everywhere. Instead of just being like "WELP HE NEEDS A T-SHIRT" because everyone has one, think about the fact that these guys are called (by YOUR announcers!) a RENEGADE GROUP. Not a PRETEND RENEGADE GROUP JUST KIDDING GIVE US YOUR MONEY.

And I won't even accept the idea that it makes sense because they can sell the shirt to those smarks who oppose Cena and stuff, because it's not like that at all. That idea made sense for when Miz had his anti-Cena shirt. Then you sell that shirt to the anti-Cena smarks and you sell the Cena shirt to the Cena marks and everyone in the world has a WWE shirt. This needs to be kept as a "hey, these guys are fucking with our shit and we can't get rid of them and they're the scariest group ever created" not "hey these guys are fucking with our shit let's make them some t-shirts."

RAW THOUGHTS - 08/16/10: DANIEL BRYAN = CANADIAN RATINGS!

Last night's episode of RAW was the most watched sporting event in the history of The Score (the network that airs all WWE programming in Canada). Apparently, about 1 in every 60 Canadians watched RAW last night. That. Is. Crazy.

Is this thanks to Daniel Bryan's triumphant return on Sunday? Or maybe it's because of Undertaker returning at SummerSlam and looking like he'd lived about a thousand lifetimes in his body? Or maybe it's because the Nexus. IS. HISTORRRRAAAAAYYYYY thanks to John Cena? Or maybe it's because the Bachelor Pad featured several girls throwing up after a pie eating contest and that's just not 1 in every 60 Canadian's particular fetish?

I don't know. I'm not a ratings doctor.

RAW - 08/16/10

LIKE: DANIEL BRYAN/MIZ, ORTON'S BLACKOUT RAMPAGE

DISLIKE: CENA BURIAL/NEXUS LOGIC

Photo - WWE.com

LIKED

- There were really only two things that stood out to me about this show. One was, which should come as no surprise to you if you frequent this pro-Dragon blog: Daniel Bryan. Even though he had to withstand Michael Tarver's flurry of Shane McMahon's daughter's punches, he still stole the entire show.

The attack on Danielson was awesome. I have HUGE heat with Miz and Riley thanks in part to Michael Cole's ENRAGING COMMENTS. He boils my blood with every word he speaks. I can't control it. I know it's a show and I know it's fake and I know he's told to say these things but I INSTANTLY get my back up about it. I love Bryan Danielson like a brother son (my mom called during the replay of the Miz/Bryan segment and I had to hurry her off the phone), and I'll be DAMNED if I let a truly fucking pudgy dweeb in Michael Cole say ill about him!

- The Miz and Alex Riley together form some kind of self-important megazord of douchery. It's amazing to watch, because it truly gets under your skin. These two guys deliver their promos with such real contempt towards their opponents that it actually with resonates you - also because they say valid shit (like Riley's "this is what a real star looks like!" which is true), unlike when Sheamus just calls Triple H a loser.

- Quote of the night is a toss up: The Miz: "HOW. DARE. EVERYONE." or very serious man in crowd: "I HATE YOU HEATH SLATER. I HATE YOU."

- Remember how I said there were really only two things about RAW that stood out to me, named one, then went on an incoherent endless rant? Well, that second thing was Randy Orton's blackout rampage on Sheamus. So many smarks get up in arms when they see Orton yell and freak out in the ring and go "he's maaad!" thinking someone fucked up. He truly is just that awesome. He beat Sheamus like he was silencing a rat in a mobster movie. Like he was tenderizing the whitest, human-sized steak in the world. Like he was-- YOU GET IT. HE WENT CRAAAYZAY. Michael Cole said it was terrifying and I don't think he was fed that line.

No one gets fired up like Orton. Any of these shitty rookies (Michael Tarver) when they scream or beat their chests (or scream at the referee for no reason and run into a big boot like Michael Tarver does every match) have nothing on the Viper. Not that they should. But they still don't.

- Justin Long, Jason Sudekis & Charlie Day. These men are all hilarious. And the Khali segment made me LOL for real you guys for real!

- Chris Jericho putting Wade Barrett over clean. It was the only way to keep Barrett strong as the leader of Nexus. Very impressive.

- Jon Lovitz drunkenly shouting into the camera. Can we do this every week?

- John Cena vs. Darren Young was like when there were two Doinks in the ring at the same time. I was hoping for an invisible mirror spot :(

- I think I might be in the minorty when I say I like the new WWE Tag Team Titles. Cool shape, they look classic. And kind of like big pennies. Which I wish I never realized because it definitely makes me like them less.

DISLIKED

- I hate Michael Tarver with a Clay Guida-like ferocity. Tarver coming over after Danielson's big dive onto Miz and Riley just to fumble around, clearly not knowing what he was doing, was embarrassing. Can someone give this guy some tips or something? He's so bogus in the ring that it's not even fun making jokes about him anymore.

- I bet Michael Cole doesn't get this many emails in real life. And his outbursts are so random sometimes. He just got sick of What's Up? with no explanation. I like him (read: hate him) when he's cutting down Daniel Bryan or figuratively deep throating the Miz, but when his heel traits pop up for no reason? I get confused.

- John Cena's Nexus burying promo. It had ups and downs. I laughed at his "lol we beat u" pose when he walked out. I frowned at his Justin Gabriel gay joke. I liked when he put Daniel Bryan over. I disliked when he buried the entire group who have been presented as renegade psychopathic maniacs. I laughed at his "CYABYE." I cried when I realized that the Nexus have gone from unstoppable terrorists to bumbling doofuses in a day's time (although this was rectified as the night went on, partially).

- The booking of the Nexus and how it's suddenly devoid of logic. They were built as this group who were at their strongest when they were united. That's what John Cena and everyone else kept saying. Then they lost, as a group, at SummerSlam, and beat the same group of guys the next night in one-on-one matches (and one tag match). WTF. Whatever.

- R-Truth hitting Otunga with a move that looked like it legitimately hurt the both of them for real.

- Everything is always hilarious when two or more divas are walking backstage, on their way to the ring, and no one is telling jokes. They just laugh (and point) because it is the primary biological function of the WWE Diva.

- Melina taking the worst looking bump onto her face. Worst not as in it looked like it hurt... worst as in it looked like she just decided to jump onto the ground and hit her face off the mat for no reason.

- Essentially, Nexus beat a collective 21x World Champion tonight. 22x if you count John Morrison's ECW World Title reign. More if you count R-Truth's NWA Title reign(s?). Which no one does.

- Pretty sure that Nexus were ready to leave the ring at the end of the show, and referee Jack Doan had to be like "HEY GET BACK HERE" for them to do their show ending pose. Whoopsie.

EVIL DANGEROUS RENEGADE GROUP MEMBER SINGS KARAOKE

Glad to see they're really protecting this storyline!

How did we go from the ultimate destruction of John Cena and the WWE and having no Nexus members sign autographs or anything, to Bryan Danielson getting fired and David Otunga singing karaoke on national television?

He kinda sings like he wrestles.

RAW REVIEW 07/19/10: SECRET AVENGERS

Last night's show was pretty fun all around, but I do have a few annoyingly-ranty things to say. BEGIN.

RAW 07/19/10

LIKE: MIZ CASH-IN TEASE

DISLIKE: NEXUS DETAILS

Photo - WWE.com

LIKED

- Wrestling! Between the opening triple threat (which admittedly, I was at first like, "what?! three guyz who lost last night are in a match to see who fights for the titel!>? GUYUHUHUH!" and then my nerd rage turned into leaping on the couch for the two RKOs) and the Sheamus/Bourne match, there we plenty of great wrestling to go around.

- Logic! When the anonymous GM set up a match on the spot, Evan Bourne didn't just come running out as if he'd just put down his script because hey, it's fake! They actually thought one step past the idea of "anonymous GM makes spontaneous match - BEGIN MATCH" - it was truly as if he had no idea he would be competing. KUDOS TO YOU, DOUBLE DOUBLE E!

- Randy Orton. People literally react to him as if he's a Dwayne Wade posterizing dunk. Hundreds of bro's high five each other and jump around when he does an RKO. It's amazing.

- John Cena using his acting "chops" (woo!). It was fucking staggering to watch a Cena promo that didn't end in evangelist shouting.

- The martial disputes that Edge and Jericho have in the ring.

- The Miz's cash-in tease. The Miz expertly played the part of a coward. I was marking out for the whole thing. I also think I should give Sheamus props for playing the part of a guy I want to see get his head smashed in so well.

- Gail Kim and the Bellas. It must be at least a little bit funny to you when your job sometimes is to show up to a pro-wrestling event to giggle in a dress and get yelled at on TV.

- Santino's handspring.

- "John Cena has designed a new coffee cup." ...

- If you can't beat 'em... assemble a hilarious team! I joke, but a gay little part of me loves the idea of John Cena assembling a secret team like an orange Nick Fury.

DISLIKED

- I still feel like it would make sense to call the Nexus a renegade group if they didn't have their own graphics and t-shirts and titantron videos and shitty music shit. If they're going to be a renegade group, keep them that way. Make it truly seem like they don't belong. Don't create Nexus brand crap. Have them come out to complete silence. Think about logic and believability before you think about selling a fucking t-shirt. Maybe when you do that, you'll sell more everything everywhere. Instead of just being like "WELP HE NEEDS A T-SHIRT" because everyone has one, think about the fact that these guys are called (by YOUR announcers!) a RENEGADE GROUP. Not a PRETEND RENEGADE GROUP JUST KIDDING GIVE US YOUR MONEY.

And I won't even accept the idea that it makes sense because they can sell the shirt to those smarks who oppose Cena and stuff, because it's not like that at all. That idea made sense for when Miz had his anti-Cena shirt. Then you sell that shirt to the anti-Cena smarks and you sell the Cena shirt to the Cena marks and everyone in the world has a WWE shirt. This needs to be kept as a "hey, these guys are fucking with our shit and we can't get rid of them and they're the scariest group ever created" not "hey these guys are fucking with our shit let's make them some t-shirts."

- John Morrison is drifting into MVP-totally-wack-babyface territory. He needs a little somethin' somethin' to get back to where he once awesomely was.

- Sheamus, while he can speak on the mic with great confidence and say the words he's saying very well, never really says anything that interests me, or makes me go "whoa." He just kinda says shit, doesn't mess it up, and... yeah. That's it.

- The one thing I've noticed about why Miz is so good on the mic is that when he's being interviewed, he addresses the interviewer when he's talking to him and looks in his eyes, instead of staring off at invisible shit in the background like Sheamus. That bothers me to no FUCKING end. WHY ARE YOU DELIVERING YOUR INTERVIEW LIKE A FUCKING SOLILOQUY YOU BUMSHIT DOUCHEBAG.

- "Oh baby! Our General Manager has just emailed a match!" - Jerry Lawler

- NO. DO NOT GIVE RANDY ORTON A REY MYSTERIO TYPE FINISHER CATCHPHRASE. STUPID STUPID STUPID. He's the ONLY goddamn face that doesn't point and smile and he actually has an edge to him and that's why he's UNIVERSALLY over. People light their clothes on fire when he does that hump the canvas and punch it to death taunt. Randy, just say "RKO" in normal conversational speed. People already cheer RKO in every match he's in. You don't need to get that over, AT ALL. Having him say each letter individually with minutes of silence in between each one will be the first step in having the fans get bored of him. Please. PLEASE GUYS. HBGHSXWB*NWU.

- Wade Barrett may have bit off more than he could chew. And concussed Mark Henry. And maybe legit injured his back. Good god. Yeah. That second replay pretty much revealed that hey, putting Mark Henry on your shoulders, leaning him back and trying to whip him over your head and onto the ground will - guess what? - tear the SHIT out of your back.

- Great Khali as a part of Team Cena. Why. Just why. The only reason I can come up with is for him to get replaced by someone cooler as a surprise. Like, Nexus takes him out, then Cena needs a surprise replacement. It would add an extra dimension to the match, and would get Great Khali out of my face.

Don't let my rants fool you, because they are super specific and only really take up like two seconds of the show. I did enjoy RAW, but I also enjoy ranting about things that matter very little in the grand scheme of things.