11/07/11 RAW REVIEW: WHY NASH WHY DO YOU KEEP EXPLAINING YOUR ACTIONS

This Raw review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that believes "personal and witty > informational and clinical". Or, at least that's what K. Sawyer Paul prefers (and so do I) for submissions for the third Fair To Flair Quarterly (which you can read about here). I'm a regular contributor for FTF, along with co-founders Jason Mann of WrestleSpective, K. Sawyer Paul of International Object, and Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling. Also at Fair To Flair is my blogging Bruiser BROdy TH of The Wrestling Blog, and Garcian Smith. Be sure to check out all of their respective blogs and Twitters and what have yous.

Before I get started, I'd like to point out that the last Raw I reviewed was the one that followed Money In The Bank (you know, the PPV where CM Punk made the WWE Title interesting again). It was a happier time. Proceed with caution.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/07/11

LIKED...

DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER

I love when wrestlers wrestle something other than another wrestler. You might be familiar with Shawn Michaels vs. A Ladder from WrestleMania X. Or maybe Kota Ibushi vs. YOSHIHIKO (a blow-up doll) from DDT. Even Triple H vs. A Broomstick from that time Triple H said that and everyone loled. Now you can add Dolph Ziggler vs. Dolph Ziggler to that list.

Or at least I can. Mainly because I've managed to selectively un-see John Morrison. You know that optical illusion where you focus on a cross in the centre of an image and the rest of the image fades away? That's like me with Dolph Ziggler (the cross) and John Morrison (the rest of the image). I just watch Dolph Ziggler ragdoll bump like a goddamned psychopath, and I manage to un-see John Morrison toppling lifelessly through the second rope. I also don't have to see him hold his neck and grimace ever again. Come join me in this JoMo-less world.

Also, at this point I sincerely feel like Ziggler vs. YOSHIHIKO would be better than Triple H vs. anyone (aside from maybe a broomstick).

NATALYA'S BROWN-NOTE BARITONE

Aside from Kelly's hilarious "eeeehhhhhh" face--

--and how little confidence even Kelly had in her "National Geographic" line, Natalya stole that entire segment with the scariest, boomiest out-of-nowhere delivery of "YOU'RE GONNA CRY KELLY YOU'RE GONNA CRY YOU MUTT". Holy fuck that scared me. And then Eve's Virgin Radio bumper music hit.

That music is the least run-in-able-to music of all-time. It's too danceable. I will only support this theme if Usher starts managing Eve (which you know would be awesome).

JOHNNY ACE'S IDLE THREATS

Brandon Stroud of With Leather's Best And Worst of WWE Raw has already tackled this subtle moment of hilarity:

"Alberto Del Rio attacked CM Punk (from behind) (because he deserved it), and somehow the best part of it all was Mr. John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, chastising him from the background. "Stop this right now!" "I'm not going to tell you again!" And the cherry on top, "AIGHT DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OFF MY JACKET". Amazing. I love the idea that Laurinaitis is this backstabbing twerp, but when he takes of his blazer the mullet comes down and he starts dropkicking."

And I feel like there's no way I (nor anyone) can add to that. Bottom line is that so far my favourite parts of this show were the way two people said really inconsequential things, and Dolph Ziggler wrestling himself. Fuck me.

Honourable Mention: Alberto Del Rio is the WWE Champion, and everyone else? DEY DON MATTIR

Things you miss if you fast-forward Alberto Del Rio's promos

- hilarious reaction faces

- the way he says pretty much any word (one of my favourites: "John Cena, I hope you get fire.")

- Ricardo Rodriguez

- children throwing popcorn at him

- winking

- Ricardo Rodriguez

- you wouldn't miss this but it's a hilarious picture

- Ricardo Rodriguez

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/07/11

DISLIKED...

KEVIN NASH TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HELPLESS CHILDREN

Man, couldn't have been a worse time to make a "taking advantage of you like a helpless child" metaphor, eh Kev?

There is a buttload of hilarious subtext to this feud. Well, basically each guy has said one funny thing that points to them having sex with each other, but still. I like to pretend that Nash is just making all of these insider shoot references to distract us from the true insider references he's slipping in there: Kevin Nash broke Triple H's heart by taking advantage of him like a helpless child.

What's more offensive than Kevin Nash molesting (or terra-ryzing? lol) Triple H is how many times I've had to watch Kevin Nash RETURN and EXPLAIN HIS ACTIONS. Mattel needs to release a new Kevin Nash action figure with a ripcord that triggers a "FIRST OF ALL" sound-byte. God DAMNIT KEVIN. Just stay here or leave forever and never explain why you did something. I don't care if you DDT Scott Stanford and throw up a new hand sign (perhaps a fluttering bird) for an imaginary stable. Never explain yourself. Just keep going on about your Big Sexy business, doing whatever it is that you do and never explaining it, and it'll be ONE BILLION times better than your sentence fragment old-person-shouting promo from Monday.

PIG AND TITANIC COMMENTARY

I'll let the commentary speak for itself. Here's a small excerpt from Santino vs. Swagger:

King: If you wanna beat someone you should go challenge a fourth grader. JR's gonna…. stomp you.

Cole: JR can't move. He waddles around the ring. You don't even know what the challenge is.

King: Oh is it gonna be wrestling? Is that what you're gonna do? You're gonna fight the guy?

Cole: Hey maybe you know it could be an intellectual challenge, I'd kill him on that. I'm a Mensa. He's, what uh, I don't know... he's from Oklahoma.

King: … … Mensa?

Cole: You know although if we had a pig calling contest he'd beat me in that. SOOEY SOOEY.

King: Okay Cole. Quit doing that with Vickie here.

Cole: [uncontrollable snorting laughter]

King: Now I hear pigs grunting.

Cole: [continued snorting] uh now look at Swagger

…

Cole: This is some city here, you know what Liverpool's known for? As uh--

King: Nothing.

Cole: --well nothing, but actually where the company that built the Titanic was located. [laughter] Too bad JR wasn't on the Titanic on it's way over here OH THAT'S RIGHT HE DIDN'T MAKE IT

King: If JR was on the Titanic the iceberg would've sunk.

Cole: He'd be a one man life raft for the entire ship.

King: You're gonna be hoping for a life raft next week.

Cole: Look at Swagger

Match ends.

R-TRUTH IS WHIFFLE BALL TONY

This doesn't have as much to do with this episode of Raw as much as it does with R-Truth in general: I can't get into it.

He's funny, he does ridiculous shit that makes me slap my knees until they're raw (lol pun), he's got The Miz by his side making the most irritating trollfaces a person can muster, but I still don't see him as a guy that wins matches. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony.

Mike Birbiglia does a bit about George Bush and how he's like Wiffle Ball Tony, but I think it applies to R-Truth too:

"I feel like whether you like him or not, Bush seems like a fun guy. He's the kind of guy you invite to the barbecue because you know he's gonna start the whiffle ball game. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony. Like 'Yeah! Whiffle Ball Tony's here! All right! It is SO ON!' And then one day someone's like, 'We're gonna put Tony in charge of everything.' And I'm like 'We are? The burgers and the potato salad? I don't know if that's such a good idea…'"

Y'know? He's hilarious, but should he also be winning things and being portrayed as a threat (because he did a sneak attack that somehow warranted being handcuffed [and a handcuff beatdown from big boss H] and fired) and getting to be a part of the biggest match on PPV since anything ever forever Never Before Never Again Never Give Up Never Going Away Again?!

I don't know. Sometimes I wish he just stayed dead.

Honourable Mention: John Cena's Raw Rebound Gimmick

It's been happening forever, but sometimes I can't hold back the urge to yell about it on the Internet. I can't stand John Cena's gimmick of going out to the ring to record audio for the next video package. Can't you just do it in a soundbooth somewhere? How badly do you need to save time where you're cutting a promo AND obviously just filling in the audio blanks for the Survivor Series intro video. It's infuriating.

Just one time I want him to come out and say "THIS SEASON, ON WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW" and then throw to a video of all the John Cena feuds to come this year.

CANT TELL - JACK SWAGGER EYE TWITCH

I have no idea how I feel about Jack Swagger trying to get an eye twitch over. I'll let you know how I feel after Raw gets Dwayne'd next week.

SMACKDOWN! REVIEW - 07/30/10: I CAN'T THWIM

This show was filled with ups and downs and dips and dives.

SMACKDOWN! 07/30/10

LIKE: WRESTLING-FOCUSED

DISLIKE: LIVE MONTAGES

Photo - WWE.com

LIKED

- The actual wrestling! This show had a bizarre balance of fun, solid wrestling mixed with show-ruining plotholes and strange storyline choices. But, the wrestling itself, was really fun. Drew's shoulder-breaker-with-the-steel-steps-as-his-knee was a huge highlight in his match with Christian. Dolph/Kofi was not quite as exciting, at least in the crowd's eyes, but still a good back an forth battle. Rey/Swagger had plenty of brawling through the arena and the powerbomb-into-the-guardrail from Swagger scared some children. Great stuff to watch.

- Kofi Kingston showing he hates Vickie Guerrero as much as we do.

- "Dashing" Cody Rhodes' grooming tips. HOLY HELL. Best thing going anywhere and everywhere. He is SO funny it hurts. I was shocked to hear that some people actually don't like this. But I suppose that's the point. I can't help but love it.

- CM Punk's fourth-quarter football-coach rally-the-troops promo... although I guess it was more "threaten" than rally. Untouchable on the mic, as always.

- Big Show's "I'm a dead bear" face when his fat hand got stomped on. What a drooly freak.

- The Alberto Del Rio videos. Not sure if he totally understands what his new name is. Or maybe his accent is so smooth that I can't understand him.

- Jack Swagger's hop, skip and a jump out of Rey's headscissors to fling himself into the water.

DISLIKED

- Kane's bullshit live montage soliloquy of BULLSHIT. It was agonizing to watch. Anyone seen the South Park where they make fun of wrestling? That was this. And do we really need to turn his promo into a montage as it happens? Aren't we going to have weeks of montages anyway? The music during the promo is so awful. It just slaps you in the face saying THIS IS FAKE LOL.

- Kane's accusation of Rey Mysterio being Undertaker's attacker not being questioned by the announcers AT ALL. He's built a career on being a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH - maybe we shouldn't believe everything that comes out of his goddamn mouth.

- Kofi Kingston getting DQ'd for fighting. He didn't break a count. Didn't use a weapon, give a low blow, hit the ref, ANYTHING. He got disqualified for literally being aggressive. Even if the argument is he didn't take heed of the ref's warning, why would he get a warning? FOR FIGHTING TOO HARD?! "Whoa, hold on Kofi, this is fake, remember? You're disqualified." How can that happen on the same show that Kane promises to KILL a man?! GAH.

- The camera that was waiting for Swagger and Rey as they came out of the arena. Was there any need to have that special extra camera just so we could confirm that this is indeed fake? Why couldn't that initial camera that was following them just keep following them? Why was that camera out there, in kayfabe? Filming... NOTHING!? This show was full of small details that took you out of the show and made you think about how this is fake.

I am hating on this show pretty hard, but when these little things add up and up and up, it gets hard to ignore and takes away from the good stuff, and there was some really good stuff. And it's even more frustrating when this show is normally not filled with this kind of stuff.

I totally get why a lot of these things are done. It's entertainment, and they love telling us that now. Sure, cool, I get it, high five. But can't it be entertainment that doesn't constantly rub it in my face that it's fake? People don't like their TV shows and movies with plot holes and inconsistencies, so why would we like our wrestling, ahem, action-entertainment, that way?

I feel like all of my sentences in this review have ended with a question mark.

JACK SWAGGER'S TWITTER IS SOMEHOW REAL

I don't know how. His tweets read more like Rhett Titus wrote them. Some examples:

@JACKSWAGGERRAW

@catalinawhite I bet u are pumped...atleast were last night hiiiii ooooo

Its 12:52, just got back from pleasure town.... I was there a whole 4 mins this time! She won't be able to walk for atleast 1 min

Moved to Texas, they say everythings bigger in Texas...well I don't know if that's humanly possible for me to get any huger!

Glad I'm home..can't wait to bone! With the United States Champion belt on! Boo Yeah!

I wanna talk to my fans! Tweet me the dirtiest thing you can think of and whoever wins gets to have me gut wrench powerbomb in their pants!

Hey my action is out! Yeah that's right I have an action figure...suck that Brad Pitt! Bet u don't have one! Yes it doubles as a vibrator!

Knock knock, who's there? Why haven't u shown me your titties yet??

But he's on the WWE's official list of Superstar Twitter accounts... so it's legit. And hilarious.

SMACKDOWN! PREVIEW WELL IN ADVANCE

Just a quick note:

Seems like after last week's not-so-wrestling-focused show (but chock-full of juicy storyline progress), this week Smackdown! will be all about the wrestling matches themselves. At least, that's what it seems like on paper:

SMACKDOWN! 4/9/10

Non-Spoiler Match Listing

#1 CONTENDER TO THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE

Edge vs. Chris Jericho

GRUDGE MATCH

Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy

NON-TITLE MATCH

World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. John Morrison

STREET FIGHT

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk

TAG TEAM MATCH

The Hart Dynasty vs. Trent Baretta & Caylen Croft

If Mysterio/Punk and Edge/Jericho get the first hour and second hour main event spots (which they obviously should) and get some time, along with the other matches on the card, you can bet your John Cena Bulldog Yarmulke that I'll be parked in front of the TV Friday night for good.

FANTASY BOOKING: TEAM SWAGGER

I'm finally moved into my place and ready to haphazardly fantasy book an angle I randomly thought of yesterday.

SYNOPSIS

Jack Swagger reforms Team Angle with Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin, but under the name Team Swagger, and finally completes a worthy undefeated run on a major brand.

"THE ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN"

JACK SWAGGER

THE WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM

SHELTON BENJAMIN AND CHARLIE HAAS

PART ONE

Jack Swagger's demeanour during his last attempt at an undefeated run would return. He would confidently declare that he would not lose a match in 2010, and would then officially be the "UNDEFEATED All-American American."

A face would interrupt him, asking why anyone should take him seriously. He went on a one-match undefeated streak last time he told the world he would be undefeated for the rest of the year, how the hell does he expect to go undefeated for an entire year? Swagger exits sheepishly.

PART TWO

Swagger, laying low for a couple weeks, would make an unannounced return by sitting front row at ECW for a Shelton Benjamin match. Then, later in the week, he would do the same for a Charlie Haas match. A backstage segment would follow with Josh Matthews trying to catch up with Swagger before he leaves. When asked what he was doing in the crowd, Swagger continues walking. When asked how he thinks he'll manage a 365 day undefeated streak after he failed in his last attempt, Swagger stops and says, "I'll have help."

PART THREE

Swagger would remind everyone before his first match that they're about to witness the beginning of his 2010 undefeated streak.

Swagger would control the majority of the match, until he gets rolled up for a near fall. While arguing with the official, two men dressed in those classic red, white and blue hoodie/jumpsuits (or even black and purple to match Swagger), would take out Jack's opponent, letting him pick up the win.

After the match, Swagger would introduce Shelton and Charlie as "The All-American American..." Team Swagger.

PART FOUR

Swagger would continue to win for weeks, maybe longer, until he crosses paths with the original face who opposed him and his idea to go undefeated for 2010. Swagger would then feud with whoever filled this face role for a few PPVs, having the classic lone babyface vs. heel team, strength in numbers type program, that culminates is Swagger defeating his foe cleanly.

PART FIVE

Swagger would claim questions of his ability to go undefeated for a year are now gone, as he defeated the only person to ever oppose him. With 2010 finally beginning to wind down, he has run out of competitors and will now turn his sights to the WWE Champion. He would say he's beaten everyone there is to beat, so he only has one man left to beat... and that's just who interrupts him --

WARNING: ABOUT TO JUMP THE SHARK

Instead of the WWE Champion coming out - it's KURT ANGLE (okay, so it's a stretch, but it'd be perfect)! Angle says Swagger's right - he's gone one more man to beat. But it's not the WWE Champion - it's Kurt Freakin' Angle! Angle says he needed to return to put an end to Swagger's streak, which he's only had thanks to two men he knows all too well.

Angle would bring up how Team Angle was actually a gift to him, not Swagger. So the Olympic Hero is going to beat The All-American American for stealing HIS team, for stealing HIS fireworks, and for misrepresenting HIS country.

THE FINISH

Swagger and Angle would have a similar feud to Swagger's last one, but with Angle looking much stronger. The feud would culminate in a one on one match between the two near the end of the year, where Swagger would go over, setting him up perfectly to face the WWE Champion.

And then WWE would have to finally release a Kurt Angle DVD so I could wet myself whilst watching it, because it would be the greatest DVD they've ever not released because this is a made up storyline and now I'm no longer excited.

- mitts