WHO'S NEXT?!: GM OF RAW EDITION

I have had enough of this substitute teacher bullshit! Let's narrow this down right now by deciphering the clues we have (like the good Scruff McGruff detectives we are) and figure out who the anonymous general manager of RAW is, k? K!

WHO'S NEXT?!

PEOPLE WHO COULD BE THE ANONYMOUS RAW GM

Photo - WWE.com

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
GM Experience: Co-General Manager of RAW with Eric Bischoff (April 28, 2003 - November 16, 2003), Sheriff (December 29, 2003 - March 29, 2004), able to twist Vince McMahon's arm from time to time (all the time).
Internet Experience: Tweets hilarious uncle-like stories all the time, but just figured out how to reply to his followers.
Relationship with Michael Cole: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zu8Ojt-tUw0#t=5m08s
Other Telltale Signs: If he writes like he talks (which he does), then those catchphrases that slipped into the anonymous GM's emails may be a bigger sign than we think.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Not him. Let's be serious. Would they really give away who the GM was so early? I'm willing to bet this is the start of a series of teases towards who the GM is. Plus, he lives at a ranch. If you lived at a ranch would you want to sit around emailing Michael Cole? In Austin's words, EH-EH. (You can replace the word "ranch" with any other sort of dwelling and this statement remains true).

THE ROCK
GM Experience: None - but he did mention hosting RAW sometime in the future.
Internet Experience: He uses it mostly to watch 90's cage fighting.
Relationship with Michael Cole: Based on the number of times that the Rock's insinuated that Cole is a homosexual, I'm going to say they aren't on instant-message-once-a-week terms.
Other Telltale Signs: The Anonymous GM has put John Cena in a 7-on-1 (6-on-1 thanks to John Cena beating Darren Young so hard his hair went limp) handicap match, and Cena is always the first to harumph and grumble about the anonymous GM and the internet. Maybe this is how we'll start building for the Rock/Cena WrestleMania match! Because nothing says classic feud like anonymous email general manager ft. Michael Cole's glasses.

WHO'S NEXT?!: At first, I thought there was absolutely no chance that Rock could be the GM. But then I remembered how he mentioned that he wanted to entertain the fans in a whole new way, no just as a regular guest host. And I remember a rumour of him taking over the entire summer for WWE (which obviously hasn't happened). So there is that slight chance, but overall, I still don't think we'll see Rocky being revealed as Michael Cole's pen pal.

TRIPLE H
GM Experience: Purely sexual.
Internet Experience: None.
Relationship with Michael Cole: Years of endless bullying with Shawn Michaels.
Other Telltale Signs: He's not on TV right now, which is usually a good indicator that a wrestler is just waiting to be used as a big surprise. He also loves - and I believe he himself coined this term (not really) - backstage powerz. And finally, he's in charge for real, so he may as well be in charge for fake too!

WHO'S NEXT?!: Not Triple H. He'll be coming back to wrestle, not manage generally.

SHAWN MICHAELS
GM Experience: Commissioner (November 23, 1998 - June 26, 2000). He also makes his own rules, and subsequently breaks them.
Internet Experience: Uh…
Relationship with Michael Cole: Years of endless bullying with Triple H.
Other Telltale Signs: He loves his family and being retired and has no interest in returning! So it's gotta be him, right (wrong)?!

WHO'S NEXT?!: Not HBK. But if he did come back, he'd bring suck it back with him (by telling his family to suck it (ew)).

PAUL HEYMAN

GM Experience: Smackdown! GM (July 18, 2002 - October 19, 2003), ECW "Representative" (June 13, 2006 - December 4, 2006), ran the original ECW.

Internet Experience: Posts photos of sexy ladies on his website.

Relationship with Michael Cole: Shared a broadcast booth some time ago... (I think? Did they? My brain is failing me.)

Other Telltale Signs: Is a hot topic in the dirtsheets these days with TNA fighting to bring him in to take the reigns of their ReCW (a WrestleSpective-coined term) angle. How shocking would it be to see Heyman swerve everyone and show up on WWE TV?

WHO'S NEXT?!: While Heyman does love a good shocker (and not a Matt Hardy shocker) every now and then, I wouldn't hold my breath. TNA probably shouldn't either.

DANIEL BRYAN

GM Experience: None. But he conceptualized EVOLVE with Gabe Sapolsky just before being snatched up by the WWE.

Internet Experience: He's a self-admitted caveman when it comes to the internet. But Mickie James is teaching him how to use Twitter. So it'll be okay.

Relationship with Michael Cole: Well documented.

Other Telltale Signs: The anonymous GM has had a ton of interaction with the Nexus, his old stable, which also (in kayfabe) are the reason he was removed from WWE TV.

WHO'S NEXT?!: In kayfabe this would make no sense. Danielson has stated publicly how he's not a twitter geek, he's a vegan and loves reading books. He also would have no correspondence with his sworn enemy (mine and yours too) Michael Cole. And why would Vince McMahon appoint him as the GM? Too much evidence points towards him not being the GM.

ABRAHAM WASHINGTON

GM Experience: Not a lick. Doesn't even really have wrestling experience. Come on now.

Internet Experience: Couldn't even guess.

Relationship with Michael Cole: I seriously know nothing about this guy.

Other Telltale Signs: That one rumour a while back that he was going to be the RAW GM, until Bret Hart was given that position.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Maybe this guy? If it is him, when they reveal it, he'll get a bigger groan then when Mike Adamle was named the new GM and suddenly appeared in the ring and was like "how ya doin' dave."

UNDERTAKER

GM Experience: None, but he has had plenty of experience torturing GM's like Vickie Guerrero.

Internet Experience: I'm still waiting for the day when he's on Twitter just being like "just saw toy story 3 w/ 'chelle, very touching. off to bed - g'night creatures!!!"

Relationship with Michael Cole: Confusing.

Other Telltale Signs: He could be using his voodoo to flick the lights when he sends an email.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Not my Uncletaker.

EVIL DOINK

GM Experience: None.

Internet Experience: Maybe some "To Catch A Predator" shit. He seems like the type.

Relationship with Michael Cole: Probably not good, since when he was on RAW a couple weeks ago, the entire announce team went overboard with the personal hate ("Go back to where you came from!", "Where did they dig Doink up from?", "I thought to see Doink nowadays you had to bring a flashlight and a shovel.")

Other Telltale Signs: It would explain the insane booking, at least.

WHO'S NEXT?!: A boy can dream...

MICHAEL COLE

GM Experience: Is the current "official spokesperson" for the anonymous GM.

Internet Experience: HATES THE INTERNET WITH THE FIRE OF 1000 SUNS (but uses it for email)

Relationship with Michael Cole: When he does his fake laugh into the camera, all I see is pure, rich, unconditional self-hatred.

Other Telltale Signs: WWE loves doing that thing where they're like "who's the secret mystery guy?! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG"

WHO'S NEXT?!: My money is on Michael Cole. He seems like a dark horse in this situation, what with all of these big names missing from TV and just waiting to return (HHH, Undertaker, Vince, etc.), but like I said, they really do love their "swerves" that aren't really swerves.

But maybe it's some kind of co-GM scenario:

BATISTA, TED DIBIASE, SETH GREEN, ZZ TOP, SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, JEREMY PIVEN, SGT. SLAUGHTER, FREDDIE PRINZE, JR., FLOYD MAYWEATHER, JR., DUSTY RHODES, BOB BARKER, TRISH STRATUS, CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER, AL SHARPTON, BEN ROETHLISBERGER, NANCY O'DELL, SNOOP DOGG, KYLE BUSCH & JOEY LOGANO, OZZY & SHARON OSBOURNE, RICKY HATTON, RODDY PIPER, JESSE VENTURA, VERNE TROYER, MARK CUBAN, DENNIS MILLER, JOHNNY DAMON, TIMBALJEKJIWALJCEIN3HEHUIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

WHO'S NEXT?!: RETIREMENT EDITION

With Shawn Michaels retiring/leaving the building (seemingly for keeps), I thought it might be worth looking at who else could be gone in the near future:

WHO'S NEXT?!

WRESTLERS THAT WILL SOON BE GIVEN A TEARFUL FAREWELL

THE UNDERTAKER

Age: 45

Years Active: 26

Notable Injuries: Landing square on his head and folding up like a Wile E. Coyote accordion at WrestleMania 25, nagging hips, knees and probably just everything.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Buried countless times; actually declared dead by his brother Kane after one particular burial; all of those flares to the face; surely shooting lightning from your fingertips is pretty draining (like Wolverine's claws "hurts everytime"); dates Michelle McCool.

Technically The Undertaker (my pet name: Uncletaker - he raised me) is undead, so he should never go away. I fully believe he should start becoming more of a myth and disappear after April only to return around December, like the ghost of WrestleMania who appears only to duel those who challenge his streak. And he would continue to get greyer and older and more ghastly looking, so obviously this is the most awesome idea anyone's ever come up with.

In all seriousness, he can't have too much left. I wouldn't be surprised if he's gone by next 'Mania.

WHO'S NEXT?!: The Undertaker probably is. And this creature of the night (Undertaker's, not Jeff Hardy's) will cry a single black tear that will end up tattooed on my cheek.

EDGE

Age: 36

Years Active: 18

Notable Injuries: Major neck surgery, torn achilles, torn pectoral muscle (at least twice), legit-knocked out by John Cena's STFU, dislocated jaw via an RVD spin kick.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Countless TLC matches that must take their toll; touched lips with Vickie Guerrero; spent some hard time in HELL; had intercourse with Lita; he pulls his hair a lot, that's got to speed up the balding.

Edge has been beat-up and injured more than your average wrestler. I've heard rumours that his retirement may be much closer than you might think. You can't get hurt that often and not re-assess your future.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Edge might not be next, but he's pretty darn close if you ask me.

FINLAY

Age: 50

Years Active: 36 (Yep, since he was FOURTEEN)

Notable Injuries: A seriously lacerated nerve in his leg (allegedly almost cost him his fucking LEG) in 1999, ten years later - an eye injury. But other than that, I'm pretty sure he just DOES the injuring.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Produced a leprechaun as offspring.

Finlay, while being the oldest active member of the WWE Roster, also had a lengthy break when he acted as a trainer (mainly for the Divas, I believe) for four years.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Finlay will wrestle until the end of time, so not him.

TRIPLE H

Age: 40

Years Active: 18

Notable Injuries: Exploded quadriceps.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Abducted boss' daughter and rape-married her.

At first I thought he'd never go away, once he married into the McMahon family. But lately he seems to be letting himself go, getting a little Matt Hardy-round around the edges. And now his buddies are all peacing out of the business, Flair's gone, Shawn's gone, and Batista can't be far off. He has a new butt buddy in Sheamus, but c'mon, who actually wants to be seen with that pasty freak?!

Triple H is going to end up like Morgan Freeman in the Shawshank Redemption. All of his friends have made it out, and he's the only one left on the inside. Then he'll go dig up a box that Shawn Michaels hid for him underneath a big oak tree and he'll shed a tear that gets lost in his Lemmy beard. Some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. *sniff*

WHO'S NEXT?!: I can't tell when, but I don't think he's next. And when he's gone, he won't really be gone. He'll always be there. Running the joint. As usual.

CHRIS JERICHO

Age: 39

Years Active: 20

Notable Injuries: NONE.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: If being loved by smarks everywhere gives you cancer, then that.

Chris Jericho, to my knowledge, has never... E-E-E-EEEEVER... suffered a serious injury. He is beat up from 20 years of wrestling, that's for damn sure, but unlike Edge or Batista or whoever, he has yet to be sidelined in a major way. I recall some story from Smoky Mountain where he broke a bone or something. But I think that's it. And that was years ago.

Jericho also took a hiatus that he claims rejuvenated his physical AND mental health, so he is now nowhere close to being burned out. He has been known to wrestle on RAW, NXT, Smackdown!, Superstars, PPV, and even ECW when it existed, AND house shows, AND he has a band that he regularly is supporting. Plus, children. He is a machine.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Certainly not Christ Jericho.

CHRISTIAN

Age: 36

Years Active: 15

Notable Injuries: Severe back injury (four months sidelined) that I remember him describing in his shoot interview, and it was horrifying. He didn't really feel it until he went back to the hotel, at which point he had to crawl on the floor to get to the phone. Insane.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Four years in TNA (ewwww); mental anguish suffered out of just sheer frustration of not getting his main event push (I made this up, I have no idea how this man feels).

Rumours were swirling (just SWIRLING I tell you) when Christian was returning that he felt he wanted to have one last big money run in WWE before he gets too old/broken down. That could be all rumour and no truth, but it sounds practical to me.

He's maybe the most believable and exciting face on the roster right now that everyone in the building gets behind. He has no real detractors. That has to motivate you to keep going.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Not Christian. He still has some years left, I believe - he managed to avoid serious injury, unlike his bestie Edge.

MATT HARDY

Age: 35

Years Active: 18

Notable Injuries: Knee injury (which spawned a broken heart :( ), burst appendix, exploded intestines, torn abdominal wall, good god.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Cholesterol; drugs; alcohol; intercourse with Lita.

Matt seems unwavering in his quest for main event gold in the WWE, so my initial thought, despite his many injuries and the fact that he's been wrestling for more than half of his life, is that he's sticking around for a while.

WHO'S NEXT?!: MATT HARDY WILL NOT DIE

KANE

Age: 42

Years Active: 18

Notable Injuries: Somehow survived a horrible house-fire as a Young Red Machine and had to wear a mask and fake hair and talk through a voice box thing, but as his career progressed he managed to regenerate his skin and regain the ability to speak like a normal person (albeit always in a deep shout that ends with a muah-ha-ha type laugh).

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Involved in all of the most notoriously embarrassing angles in pro wrestling (Katie Vick, setting JR on fire, Imposter Kane, See No Evil, torturing and massacring Rey Mysterio's body off-screen (only for Rey to show up later looking completely untouched), facing Khali once as a face (failed angle) then years later as a heel (failed angle), evil dentist, fake Diesel (FAKE KEVIN NASH?! c'mon now.), Christmas tree, kidnapping Ranjin Singh (now there's a good bargaining chip), once wore a cape, once carried a bag to the ring, once carried a hook to the ring, once heard voices "in his head" (he was Randy Orton before Randy Orton was Randy Orton!) that the entire arena also heard, accidentally aborted a baby, jumpstarted Gene Snitsky's career (it was Kane's fault, incidentally); wore the same pants for longer than Batista's been in the WWE.

I can't read Kane. He hasn't ever really been gone for a long period of time. I feel like he has always been there. And I can't tell if he's hurt, or burnt out (although he did mention he was bored tonight on Smackdown!), so who the fuck knows when he'll hang up the boots and one glove and same 8 year old pants.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Kane's brah

BIG SHOW

Age: 38

Years Active: 15

Notable Injuries: Dropped on his head by Kevin Nash, chokeslammed THROUGH THE RING, PEOPLE, serious back injuries that allegedly threatened to end his career, acromegaly.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Watching your dead father being whipped around town by the Big Boss Man has to do some unrepairable mental damage; loves to act in movies.

I can only assume Big Show is inching closer to the end of his career, what with him being utilized mostly in tag matches now, as well as his continuing perusal of an acting career. Plus, he is a HUGE MAN and that must take an especially large toll on your body in general, let alone if your a 15-year veteran pro wrestler.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Big Show isn't next, but he's up there.

REY MYSTERIO

Age: 35

Years Active: 21

Notable Injuries: I had surgery five times in my left knee.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Grew horns at one point, but I think he had them surgically removed; was not a good friend

Rey has been rumoured to be broken down and his kids are taller than him. Unless if he wants to wrestle like those old fat Lucha Libre wrestlers who still do all the same Lucha moves but at half-speed, he could be on his way out in a few years.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Not Rey quite yet. But he might be on his last legs.

BATISTA

Age: 41

Years Active: 13 (I am shocked too... must include training... right?!)

Notable Injuries: In order of appearance: Torn triceps, re-tore the same triceps during training, torn back muscle (er... kayfabe, maybe?), torn triceps (again), torn hamstring, torn biceps. Essentially a torn body.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Bodybuilding makes for not the most durable body type; I don't want to say steroids... but... ster...oids; walking alone in a pit of danger.

Big Dave is killing it right now, but I don't think that matters. He's recently been in the "news" (wrestling websites!) about taking time off. And we all know what taking time off means - retirement pro-wrestling style. The kind of retirement where you ease yourself out like you would ease yourself IN to a hot bath.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Come to think of it, Batista could maybe rival Undertaker as one of the next to go. His body is not the kind that can go for years and years, and he doesn't seem like the kind of dude who wants to be going out on national HD(3D soon)TV with Ric Flair titties.

TNA

Age: This many

Years Active: 8

Notable Injuries: Mostly bruised-egos.

Other Career-Shortening Variables: Anytime Jeff Jarrett says "Tee-In-Ayy" I know I can feel the months shaved off of my career, and I don't even have a career.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Kurt Angle, Mick Foley, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Syxx-Pac, Eric Bischoff (does he even count, I don't know), Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Team 3D, Jeff Jarrett, Rob Van Dam, Sting are all on their way out any day now. In fact, some of them already went out, then came back to TNA. Many of them. Okay all of them. Except Jarrett. He started TNA to get friends and force people to respect him, like when Michael Scott in the Office revealed (in the saddest moment ever) how as a child he said he would have 100 kids so they would all have to be his friend.

Okay that is officially the meanest thing I've ever said.

Sorry Jeff. I'll be your friend.