Wednesday, November 2, 2011


The years 1995-2009 haven't been very kind to Mark Henry. To summarize, here are his highlights:

1995: Wins gold silver in the Olympic Pan American Games.

1999: Wins is awarded the Intercontinental European Championship by someone cool Jeff Jarrett.

1999-2008: Ten years of nothing goes by.

2008: Wins the ECW Championship. 70 days later he lost it to Matt Hardy.

2009: Befriended MVP.

WOW what a glowing resume.

Now, if you haven't been paying attention lately, you might assume that things are just the same with Mark Henry. Still treading water, still friends with MVP, still showing up whenever Teddy Long says "you'll be facing... THIS MAN" (he was doing that mystery opponent gimmick for a while).

That, however, isn't the case.

I'll let you down slowly. Mark Henry is (wait for it) no longer friends with MVP. Breathe.

Also, Mark Henry is the champion of the fucking WORLD and is suddenly untouchable. Yes. This Mark Henry.

And this Mark Henry.

And this Mark Henry.

The fact that I could keep linking videos until I run out of Internet is a testament to how crazy it is to see Mark Henry as World Champion right now. Somehow, the World's Strongest 40 year old has gone from a professional wrestling sex addict to World Heavyweight Champion in twelve short years. I don't know how he did it. But, you can see the signs of the turnaround as early as January of this year.

Let's take a look at Mark Henry 2010 vs. Mark Henry 2011, month by month, and see what's changed and how he's improved:

ROYAL RUMBLE 2010: Eliminated by R-Truth in the Royal Rumble in 2:24.

ROYAL RUMBLE 2011: Eliminated by New Nexus in 7:04.

How he improved: It took three more guys and four minutes and forty seconds longer for him to get eliminated. Baby steps, Mark. Baby steps.

ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2010: Lost to Ted DiBiase in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match on Raw; accompanied MVP to the ring just to watch him lose on PPV.

ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2011: Did nothing.

How he improved: Doing nothing is obviously better.

WRESTLEMANIA XXVI: Lost a dark match 26-Man Battle Royal to Yoshi Tatsu.

WRESTLEMANIA XXVII: Lost a dark match 23-Man Battle Royal to Great Khali.

How he improved: Khali is taller and wider than Yoshi Tatsu.

EXTREME RULES 2010: Lost a Tag Team Gauntlet Non-Title Match with MVP; he also hit Buzz Aldrin with a steel chair around then.

EXTREME RULES 2011: Did nothing.

How he improved: Doing nothing is still obviously better, although heinously attacking an 81 year old American hero sounds like something 2011 Mark Henry would do.

OVER THE LIMIT 2010: Did nothing.

OVER THE LIMIT 2011: STILL did nothing.

How he improved: It looks like he broke even. However, seeing as this year's Over The Limit featured a Michael Cole/Jerry Lawler "Kiss My Foot" match, Daniel Bryan wrestling the dark match, and CM Punk teaming with Mason Ryan in a losing effort against Kane and the Big Show, being on this show can only be a detriment to Mark Henry as a wrestler. So, it turns out, still better than last year.

FATAL 4-WAY 2010: Did nothing. Also this month, he forgot how chasing works.

CAPITOL PUNISHMENT 2011: Obliterated the Big Show (twice); entered BEAST MODE; Hall of Pain est. June 19th, 2011.

How he improved: By committing gianticide.

MONEY IN THE BANK 2010: Lost the Money In The Bank Ladder Match to The Miz.

MONEY IN THE BANK 2011: Cleanly defeated the Big Show; Henry-lized the Big Show; made Big Show say "AWWGHWHGUUHFFHG FUCK"; didn't talk about having sex with his sister or make-out with a tranny or be given anything by Jeff Jarrett or anything gross and weird like that.

How he improved: I feel like I don't need this part anymore.

SUMMERSLAM 2010: Did nothing.

SUMMERSLAM 2011: Murdered the Great White Sheamus through a barricade to prove that he is the Great Black Mark; impressed Joey Ryan (I think his hilarious reaction was actually just planting the seeds for a Mark Henry/Joey Blalock rematch).

How he improved: Last year he wasn't on the show at all. Not even the dark match. He was barely even on Raw that month. This year he broke a steel barricade by using a person.

NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS 2010: Lost a Tag Team Turmoil Match with Evan Bourne.

NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS 2011: Defeated Acclaimed Wrestling Match Winner Randy Orton to become World Heavyweight Champion.

How he improved: Just to make sure you understand - Becoming World Heavyweight Champion by cleanly beating Randy Orton (with no match restarting tomfoolery, no "if I kick your nuts I win your title" stipulations, Kevin Nash didn't even show up, nothing); Losing a tag team match with Evan Bourne.

HELL IN A CELL 2010: Did nothing.

HELL IN A CELL 2011: Defeated Acclaimed Hell In A Celler Feller Randy Orton to retain his World Heavyweight Championship.

How he improved: Beat Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Title cleanly on Pay-Per-View once, shame on him. Beat Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Title cleanly on Pay-Per-View twice... you... can't get fooled again can't shoot the shooter you... ... uh... NO ONE DOES THAT

BRAGGING RIGHTS 2010: Did nothing, but he was on the poster, tucked behind John Cena, Randy Orton, The Miz and Evan Bourne.

VENGEANCE 2011: Literally exploded the ring with a wrestling move to end his match (this, I'm certain, was the first time this has ever happened); WAS THE POSTER.

Now we're entering uncharted Mark Henry 2011 territory, so I will predict the end of his Pay-Per-View year.

SURVIVOR SERIES 2010: Did nothing.

SURVIVOR SERIES 2011: Will retain his World Heavyweight Championship cleanly; will go back in time and trade bodies with the Undertaker and Tombstone Hulk Hogan on a steel chair, but actually hit his fucking head on it this time; shout "IF I GOTTA TIME MACHINE Y'ALL GONNA FEAR CLOCKS AT NIGHT" or something.

TLC 2010: Did nothing.

TLC 2011: Will retain his World Heavyweight Championship in a TLC Match cleanly; will resurrect Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes to reunite TLC to perform his exit music; conceives child with at least one member of TLC (a callback to his sex addict days); splits the wig of at least one member of TLC; shouts "DON'T GO CHASIN' WATERFALLS BECAUSE I'M THE RIVERBOAT CAPTAIN AND I'M CHARGIN' DOUBLE FOR AQUA ASS WHOOPINS EAT A REEF" to no one.

What does 2012 hold for Mark Henry? I say he treads water no longer. He should either keep escalating his reign of terror and starts wrestling shirtless with mysterious scars all over his body all of a sudden, and he grows his hair and beard out until he's barely recognizable any longer. Or, he has to go back to being a complete sexual deviant and start telling Evan Bourne he's got a pretty laugh.


  1. I quite literally lol'd at this. Good work.

  2. me too, this brought me great joy

  3. Damn, that was just plain clever. Well how often do you see that? Poor Mizark, now you done set the bar impossibly high for him.