Before I get started, I'd like to point out that the last Raw I reviewed was the one that followed Money In The Bank (you know, the PPV where CM Punk made the WWE Title interesting again). It was a happier time. Proceed with caution.
MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/07/11
DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER
I love when wrestlers wrestle something other than another wrestler. You might be familiar with Shawn Michaels vs. A Ladder from WrestleMania X. Or maybe Kota Ibushi vs. YOSHIHIKO (a blow-up doll) from DDT. Even Triple H vs. A Broomstick from that time Triple H said that and everyone loled. Now you can add Dolph Ziggler vs. Dolph Ziggler to that list.
Or at least I can. Mainly because I've managed to selectively un-see John Morrison. You know that optical illusion where you focus on a cross in the centre of an image and the rest of the image fades away? That's like me with Dolph Ziggler (the cross) and John Morrison (the rest of the image). I just watch Dolph Ziggler ragdoll bump like a goddamned psychopath, and I manage to un-see John Morrison toppling lifelessly through the second rope. I also don't have to see him hold his neck and grimace ever again. Come join me in this JoMo-less world.
Also, at this point I sincerely feel like Ziggler vs. YOSHIHIKO would be better than Triple H vs. anyone (aside from maybe a broomstick).
NATALYA'S BROWN-NOTE BARITONE
Aside from Kelly's hilarious "eeeehhhhhh" face--
--and how little confidence even Kelly had in her "National Geographic" line, Natalya stole that entire segment with the scariest, boomiest out-of-nowhere delivery of "YOU'RE GONNA CRY KELLY YOU'RE GONNA CRY YOU MUTT". Holy fuck that scared me. And then Eve's Virgin Radio bumper music hit.
That music is the least run-in-able-to music of all-time. It's too danceable. I will only support this theme if Usher starts managing Eve (which you know would be awesome).
JOHNNY ACE'S IDLE THREATS
"Alberto Del Rio attacked CM Punk (from behind) (because he deserved it), and somehow the best part of it all was Mr. John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, chastising him from the background. "Stop this right now!" "I'm not going to tell you again!" And the cherry on top, "AIGHT DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OFF MY JACKET". Amazing. I love the idea that Laurinaitis is this backstabbing twerp, but when he takes of his blazer the mullet comes down and he starts dropkicking."
And I feel like there's no way I (nor anyone) can add to that. Bottom line is that so far my favourite parts of this show were the way two people said really inconsequential things, and Dolph Ziggler wrestling himself. Fuck me.
Honourable Mention: Alberto Del Rio is the WWE Champion, and everyone else? DEY DON MATTIR
Things you miss if you fast-forward Alberto Del Rio's promos
- the way he says pretty much any word (one of my favourites: "John Cena, I hope you get fire.")
- Ricardo Rodriguez
- children throwing popcorn at him
- Ricardo Rodriguez
- Ricardo Rodriguez
MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/07/11
KEVIN NASH TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HELPLESS CHILDREN
Man, couldn't have been a worse time to make a "taking advantage of you like a helpless child" metaphor, eh Kev?
There is a buttload of hilarious subtext to this feud. Well, basically each guy has said one funny thing that points to them having sex with each other, but still. I like to pretend that Nash is just making all of these insider shoot references to distract us from the true insider references he's slipping in there: Kevin Nash broke Triple H's heart by taking advantage of him like a helpless child.
What's more offensive than Kevin Nash molesting (or terra-ryzing? lol) Triple H is how many times I've had to watch Kevin Nash RETURN and EXPLAIN HIS ACTIONS. Mattel needs to release a new Kevin Nash action figure with a ripcord that triggers a "FIRST OF ALL" sound-byte. God DAMNIT KEVIN. Just stay here or leave forever and never explain why you did something. I don't care if you DDT Scott Stanford and throw up a new hand sign (perhaps a fluttering bird) for an imaginary stable. Never explain yourself. Just keep going on about your Big Sexy business, doing whatever it is that you do and never explaining it, and it'll be ONE BILLION times better than your sentence fragment old-person-shouting promo from Monday.
PIG AND TITANIC COMMENTARY
I'll let the commentary speak for itself. Here's a small excerpt from Santino vs. Swagger:
King: If you wanna beat someone you should go challenge a fourth grader. JR's gonna…. stomp you.
Cole: JR can't move. He waddles around the ring. You don't even know what the challenge is.
King: Oh is it gonna be wrestling? Is that what you're gonna do? You're gonna fight the guy?
Cole: Hey maybe you know it could be an intellectual challenge, I'd kill him on that. I'm a Mensa. He's, what uh, I don't know... he's from Oklahoma.
King: … … Mensa?
Cole: You know although if we had a pig calling contest he'd beat me in that. SOOEY SOOEY.
King: Okay Cole. Quit doing that with Vickie here.
Cole: [uncontrollable snorting laughter]
King: Now I hear pigs grunting.
Cole: [continued snorting] uh now look at Swagger
Cole: This is some city here, you know what Liverpool's known for? As uh--
Cole: --well nothing, but actually where the company that built the Titanic was located. [laughter] Too bad JR wasn't on the Titanic on it's way over here OH THAT'S RIGHT HE DIDN'T MAKE IT
King: If JR was on the Titanic the iceberg would've sunk.
Cole: He'd be a one man life raft for the entire ship.
King: You're gonna be hoping for a life raft next week.
Cole: Look at Swagger
R-TRUTH IS WHIFFLE BALL TONY
This doesn't have as much to do with this episode of Raw as much as it does with R-Truth in general: I can't get into it.
He's funny, he does ridiculous shit that makes me slap my knees until they're raw (lol pun), he's got The Miz by his side making the most irritating trollfaces a person can muster, but I still don't see him as a guy that wins matches. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony.
Mike Birbiglia does a bit about George Bush and how he's like Wiffle Ball Tony, but I think it applies to R-Truth too:
"I feel like whether you like him or not, Bush seems like a fun guy. He's the kind of guy you invite to the barbecue because you know he's gonna start the whiffle ball game. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony. Like 'Yeah! Whiffle Ball Tony's here! All right! It is SO ON!' And then one day someone's like, 'We're gonna put Tony in charge of everything.' And I'm like 'We are? The burgers and the potato salad? I don't know if that's such a good idea…'"
Y'know? He's hilarious, but should he also be winning things and being portrayed as a threat (because he did a sneak attack that somehow warranted being handcuffed [and a handcuff beatdown from big boss H] and fired) and getting to be a part of the biggest match on PPV since anything ever forever Never Before Never Again Never Give Up Never Going Away Again?!
I don't know. Sometimes I wish he just stayed dead.
Honourable Mention: John Cena's Raw Rebound Gimmick
It's been happening forever, but sometimes I can't hold back the urge to yell about it on the Internet. I can't stand John Cena's gimmick of going out to the ring to record audio for the next video package. Can't you just do it in a soundbooth somewhere? How badly do you need to save time where you're cutting a promo AND obviously just filling in the audio blanks for the Survivor Series intro video. It's infuriating.
Just one time I want him to come out and say "THIS SEASON, ON WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW" and then throw to a video of all the John Cena feuds to come this year.
CANT TELL - JACK SWAGGER EYE TWITCH
I have no idea how I feel about Jack Swagger trying to get an eye twitch over. I'll let you know how I feel after Raw gets Dwayne'd next week.