WHOA: WWE SIGNS CONSEQUENCES CREED

Announcement courtesy of Platinum Championship Wrestling.

FORMER TNA STAR

AUSTIN CREED (A.K.A. CONSEQUENCES CREED)

I always thought that Creed was a sparkly diamond in that steaming pile of TNA, so this is a good pick-up by WWE.

Maybe he's the anonymous general manager guy behind Nexus who raised the briefcase and killed Vince McMahon for GTV!!

WHO'S NEXT?!: GM OF RAW EDITION

I have had enough of this substitute teacher bullshit! Let's narrow this down right now by deciphering the clues we have (like the good Scruff McGruff detectives we are) and figure out who the anonymous general manager of RAW is, k? K!

WHO'S NEXT?!

PEOPLE WHO COULD BE THE ANONYMOUS RAW GM

Photo - WWE.com

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
GM Experience: Co-General Manager of RAW with Eric Bischoff (April 28, 2003 - November 16, 2003), Sheriff (December 29, 2003 - March 29, 2004), able to twist Vince McMahon's arm from time to time (all the time).
Internet Experience: Tweets hilarious uncle-like stories all the time, but just figured out how to reply to his followers.
Relationship with Michael Cole: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zu8Ojt-tUw0#t=5m08s
Other Telltale Signs: If he writes like he talks (which he does), then those catchphrases that slipped into the anonymous GM's emails may be a bigger sign than we think.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Not him. Let's be serious. Would they really give away who the GM was so early? I'm willing to bet this is the start of a series of teases towards who the GM is. Plus, he lives at a ranch. If you lived at a ranch would you want to sit around emailing Michael Cole? In Austin's words, EH-EH. (You can replace the word "ranch" with any other sort of dwelling and this statement remains true).

THE ROCK
GM Experience: None - but he did mention hosting RAW sometime in the future.
Internet Experience: He uses it mostly to watch 90's cage fighting.
Relationship with Michael Cole: Based on the number of times that the Rock's insinuated that Cole is a homosexual, I'm going to say they aren't on instant-message-once-a-week terms.
Other Telltale Signs: The Anonymous GM has put John Cena in a 7-on-1 (6-on-1 thanks to John Cena beating Darren Young so hard his hair went limp) handicap match, and Cena is always the first to harumph and grumble about the anonymous GM and the internet. Maybe this is how we'll start building for the Rock/Cena WrestleMania match! Because nothing says classic feud like anonymous email general manager ft. Michael Cole's glasses.

WHO'S NEXT?!: At first, I thought there was absolutely no chance that Rock could be the GM. But then I remembered how he mentioned that he wanted to entertain the fans in a whole new way, no just as a regular guest host. And I remember a rumour of him taking over the entire summer for WWE (which obviously hasn't happened). So there is that slight chance, but overall, I still don't think we'll see Rocky being revealed as Michael Cole's pen pal.

TRIPLE H
GM Experience: Purely sexual.
Internet Experience: None.
Relationship with Michael Cole: Years of endless bullying with Shawn Michaels.
Other Telltale Signs: He's not on TV right now, which is usually a good indicator that a wrestler is just waiting to be used as a big surprise. He also loves - and I believe he himself coined this term (not really) - backstage powerz. And finally, he's in charge for real, so he may as well be in charge for fake too!

WHO'S NEXT?!: Not Triple H. He'll be coming back to wrestle, not manage generally.

SHAWN MICHAELS
GM Experience: Commissioner (November 23, 1998 - June 26, 2000). He also makes his own rules, and subsequently breaks them.
Internet Experience: Uh…
Relationship with Michael Cole: Years of endless bullying with Triple H.
Other Telltale Signs: He loves his family and being retired and has no interest in returning! So it's gotta be him, right (wrong)?!

WHO'S NEXT?!: Not HBK. But if he did come back, he'd bring suck it back with him (by telling his family to suck it (ew)).

PAUL HEYMAN

GM Experience: Smackdown! GM (July 18, 2002 - October 19, 2003), ECW "Representative" (June 13, 2006 - December 4, 2006), ran the original ECW.

Internet Experience: Posts photos of sexy ladies on his website.

Relationship with Michael Cole: Shared a broadcast booth some time ago... (I think? Did they? My brain is failing me.)

Other Telltale Signs: Is a hot topic in the dirtsheets these days with TNA fighting to bring him in to take the reigns of their ReCW (a WrestleSpective-coined term) angle. How shocking would it be to see Heyman swerve everyone and show up on WWE TV?

WHO'S NEXT?!: While Heyman does love a good shocker (and not a Matt Hardy shocker) every now and then, I wouldn't hold my breath. TNA probably shouldn't either.

DANIEL BRYAN

GM Experience: None. But he conceptualized EVOLVE with Gabe Sapolsky just before being snatched up by the WWE.

Internet Experience: He's a self-admitted caveman when it comes to the internet. But Mickie James is teaching him how to use Twitter. So it'll be okay.

Relationship with Michael Cole: Well documented.

Other Telltale Signs: The anonymous GM has had a ton of interaction with the Nexus, his old stable, which also (in kayfabe) are the reason he was removed from WWE TV.

WHO'S NEXT?!: In kayfabe this would make no sense. Danielson has stated publicly how he's not a twitter geek, he's a vegan and loves reading books. He also would have no correspondence with his sworn enemy (mine and yours too) Michael Cole. And why would Vince McMahon appoint him as the GM? Too much evidence points towards him not being the GM.

ABRAHAM WASHINGTON

GM Experience: Not a lick. Doesn't even really have wrestling experience. Come on now.

Internet Experience: Couldn't even guess.

Relationship with Michael Cole: I seriously know nothing about this guy.

Other Telltale Signs: That one rumour a while back that he was going to be the RAW GM, until Bret Hart was given that position.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Maybe this guy? If it is him, when they reveal it, he'll get a bigger groan then when Mike Adamle was named the new GM and suddenly appeared in the ring and was like "how ya doin' dave."

UNDERTAKER

GM Experience: None, but he has had plenty of experience torturing GM's like Vickie Guerrero.

Internet Experience: I'm still waiting for the day when he's on Twitter just being like "just saw toy story 3 w/ 'chelle, very touching. off to bed - g'night creatures!!!"

Relationship with Michael Cole: Confusing.

Other Telltale Signs: He could be using his voodoo to flick the lights when he sends an email.

WHO'S NEXT?!: Not my Uncletaker.

EVIL DOINK

GM Experience: None.

Internet Experience: Maybe some "To Catch A Predator" shit. He seems like the type.

Relationship with Michael Cole: Probably not good, since when he was on RAW a couple weeks ago, the entire announce team went overboard with the personal hate ("Go back to where you came from!", "Where did they dig Doink up from?", "I thought to see Doink nowadays you had to bring a flashlight and a shovel.")

Other Telltale Signs: It would explain the insane booking, at least.

WHO'S NEXT?!: A boy can dream...

MICHAEL COLE

GM Experience: Is the current "official spokesperson" for the anonymous GM.

Internet Experience: HATES THE INTERNET WITH THE FIRE OF 1000 SUNS (but uses it for email)

Relationship with Michael Cole: When he does his fake laugh into the camera, all I see is pure, rich, unconditional self-hatred.

Other Telltale Signs: WWE loves doing that thing where they're like "who's the secret mystery guy?! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG"

WHO'S NEXT?!: My money is on Michael Cole. He seems like a dark horse in this situation, what with all of these big names missing from TV and just waiting to return (HHH, Undertaker, Vince, etc.), but like I said, they really do love their "swerves" that aren't really swerves.

But maybe it's some kind of co-GM scenario:

BATISTA, TED DIBIASE, SETH GREEN, ZZ TOP, SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, JEREMY PIVEN, SGT. SLAUGHTER, FREDDIE PRINZE, JR., FLOYD MAYWEATHER, JR., DUSTY RHODES, BOB BARKER, TRISH STRATUS, CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER, AL SHARPTON, BEN ROETHLISBERGER, NANCY O'DELL, SNOOP DOGG, KYLE BUSCH & JOEY LOGANO, OZZY & SHARON OSBOURNE, RICKY HATTON, RODDY PIPER, JESSE VENTURA, VERNE TROYER, MARK CUBAN, DENNIS MILLER, JOHNNY DAMON, TIMBALJEKJIWALJCEIN3HEHUIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

THE WRESTLE SPECTIVE POWER POLL: 7/21/10

Every week I, along with several other wrestling blogs (including my bro-sario dawson, TH of The Wrestling Blog), will be sending in my top ten wrestlers to WrestleSpective. My votes are compiled with those of the other bloggers' and that gives us the Power Poll. Here's this week's rankings (go to WrestleSpective to view the full write-up, and check out all of the other awesome wrestling content there - you'll find it especially awesome if you're a stat-geek like me):

WRESTLESPECTIVE POWER POLL: 07/21/10

1. Kane (NR)

2. Sheamus (4)

3. The Miz (6)

4. Randy Orton (2)

5. Rob Van Dam (1)

6. John Cena (5)

7. Wade Barrett (9)

8. Rey Mysterio (10)

9. Kurt Angle (8)

10. Chris Jericho (NR)

And, to compare, here's who I voted for and why (in kayfabe and out):

PIZZABODYSLAM POWER POLL VOTES: 07/21/10

1. Randy Orton

- IN KAYFABE: Def. Jericho and Edge to earn a shot at Sheamus' WWE Title at SummerSlam, was essentially the runner-up to the RAW MITB.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Unites children and smart mark dinks across the world - nay - UNIVERSE, moves like Michael Jackson when he's fired up.

2. The Miz

- IN KAYFABE: Won the RAW MITB, dressed down the WWE Champion without blinking.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Cut three promos on two shows with more conviction than Daniel Day Lewis.

3. Kane

- IN KAYFABE: Beat the shit out of a man's FATHER, won the SD! MITB, cashed-in that night to become the World Champion.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Didn't cry this week!

4. Sheamus

- IN KAYFABE: Retained his WWE Title, def. Evan Bourne.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Sold the SHIT out of the suitcase-aided Skull-Crushing Finale, yelled at girls.

5. Evan Bourne

- IN KAYFABE: Losing effort in the RAW MITB, def. by Sheamus.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Lit up the MITB match with a flash-SSP to Randy Orton, is still one of the most exciting wrestlers anywhere right now - his style sets up apart from anyone in the WWE.

6. Rey Mysterio

- IN KAYFABE: Saved Kane from Swagger's ankle lock, def. Swagger to retain the WHC, def. by Kane when he cashed in his MITB contract.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Put on the best match of the Money In The Bank PPV with Swagger, touches heads with children and it is adorable.

7. Jack Swagger

- IN KAYFABE: Turned his back on his DADDY, def. by Rey Mysterio.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Put on the best match of the Money In The Bank PPV with Mysterio, still manages to bleed from the mouth in every match he's in from biting down on that Cable Guy (dated reference?) lisp-inducing tongue of his.

8. "Dashing" Cody Rhodes

- IN KAYFABE: DASHING

- OUT OF KAYFABE: DASHING

9. Chris Jericho

- IN KAYFABE: Lost at MITB, Lost on RAW, joined Team Cena to fight Skrulls! I mean Nexus.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Bickered with Edge like he forgot to pick up milk on his way home, is still the best in the world at what he does (hilarious cowardly gloating).

10. Vegetative Undertaker

- IN KAYFABE: Remained a vegetable.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Motivated his baby bro to a World Title! That's what brothers of destruction are for.

RAW REVIEW 07/19/10: SECRET AVENGERS

Last night's show was pretty fun all around, but I do have a few annoyingly-ranty things to say. BEGIN.

RAW 07/19/10

LIKE: MIZ CASH-IN TEASE

DISLIKE: NEXUS DETAILS

Photo - WWE.com

LIKED

- Wrestling! Between the opening triple threat (which admittedly, I was at first like, "what?! three guyz who lost last night are in a match to see who fights for the titel!>? GUYUHUHUH!" and then my nerd rage turned into leaping on the couch for the two RKOs) and the Sheamus/Bourne match, there we plenty of great wrestling to go around.

- Logic! When the anonymous GM set up a match on the spot, Evan Bourne didn't just come running out as if he'd just put down his script because hey, it's fake! They actually thought one step past the idea of "anonymous GM makes spontaneous match - BEGIN MATCH" - it was truly as if he had no idea he would be competing. KUDOS TO YOU, DOUBLE DOUBLE E!

- Randy Orton. People literally react to him as if he's a Dwayne Wade posterizing dunk. Hundreds of bro's high five each other and jump around when he does an RKO. It's amazing.

- John Cena using his acting "chops" (woo!). It was fucking staggering to watch a Cena promo that didn't end in evangelist shouting.

- The martial disputes that Edge and Jericho have in the ring.

- The Miz's cash-in tease. The Miz expertly played the part of a coward. I was marking out for the whole thing. I also think I should give Sheamus props for playing the part of a guy I want to see get his head smashed in so well.

- Gail Kim and the Bellas. It must be at least a little bit funny to you when your job sometimes is to show up to a pro-wrestling event to giggle in a dress and get yelled at on TV.

- Santino's handspring.

- "John Cena has designed a new coffee cup." ...

- If you can't beat 'em... assemble a hilarious team! I joke, but a gay little part of me loves the idea of John Cena assembling a secret team like an orange Nick Fury.

DISLIKED

- I still feel like it would make sense to call the Nexus a renegade group if they didn't have their own graphics and t-shirts and titantron videos and shitty music shit. If they're going to be a renegade group, keep them that way. Make it truly seem like they don't belong. Don't create Nexus brand crap. Have them come out to complete silence. Think about logic and believability before you think about selling a fucking t-shirt. Maybe when you do that, you'll sell more everything everywhere. Instead of just being like "WELP HE NEEDS A T-SHIRT" because everyone has one, think about the fact that these guys are called (by YOUR announcers!) a RENEGADE GROUP. Not a PRETEND RENEGADE GROUP JUST KIDDING GIVE US YOUR MONEY.

And I won't even accept the idea that it makes sense because they can sell the shirt to those smarks who oppose Cena and stuff, because it's not like that at all. That idea made sense for when Miz had his anti-Cena shirt. Then you sell that shirt to the anti-Cena smarks and you sell the Cena shirt to the Cena marks and everyone in the world has a WWE shirt. This needs to be kept as a "hey, these guys are fucking with our shit and we can't get rid of them and they're the scariest group ever created" not "hey these guys are fucking with our shit let's make them some t-shirts."

- John Morrison is drifting into MVP-totally-wack-babyface territory. He needs a little somethin' somethin' to get back to where he once awesomely was.

- Sheamus, while he can speak on the mic with great confidence and say the words he's saying very well, never really says anything that interests me, or makes me go "whoa." He just kinda says shit, doesn't mess it up, and... yeah. That's it.

- The one thing I've noticed about why Miz is so good on the mic is that when he's being interviewed, he addresses the interviewer when he's talking to him and looks in his eyes, instead of staring off at invisible shit in the background like Sheamus. That bothers me to no FUCKING end. WHY ARE YOU DELIVERING YOUR INTERVIEW LIKE A FUCKING SOLILOQUY YOU BUMSHIT DOUCHEBAG.

- "Oh baby! Our General Manager has just emailed a match!" - Jerry Lawler

- NO. DO NOT GIVE RANDY ORTON A REY MYSTERIO TYPE FINISHER CATCHPHRASE. STUPID STUPID STUPID. He's the ONLY goddamn face that doesn't point and smile and he actually has an edge to him and that's why he's UNIVERSALLY over. People light their clothes on fire when he does that hump the canvas and punch it to death taunt. Randy, just say "RKO" in normal conversational speed. People already cheer RKO in every match he's in. You don't need to get that over, AT ALL. Having him say each letter individually with minutes of silence in between each one will be the first step in having the fans get bored of him. Please. PLEASE GUYS. HBGHSXWB*NWU.

- Wade Barrett may have bit off more than he could chew. And concussed Mark Henry. And maybe legit injured his back. Good god. Yeah. That second replay pretty much revealed that hey, putting Mark Henry on your shoulders, leaning him back and trying to whip him over your head and onto the ground will - guess what? - tear the SHIT out of your back.

- Great Khali as a part of Team Cena. Why. Just why. The only reason I can come up with is for him to get replaced by someone cooler as a surprise. Like, Nexus takes him out, then Cena needs a surprise replacement. It would add an extra dimension to the match, and would get Great Khali out of my face.

Don't let my rants fool you, because they are super specific and only really take up like two seconds of the show. I did enjoy RAW, but I also enjoy ranting about things that matter very little in the grand scheme of things.

RANDY ORTON ON TWITTER: #1 TRENDING TOPIC WORLDWIDE

What even brought this on?! I knew he was red hot right now (people react to him like a goddamn slam dunk contest), but this is insane. People are going to be thinking he's dead for a few hours now, but really, he's just over. That's pretty incredible.

So was his RKO to Evan Bourne, which I never posted, and you've seen probably more times than Matt Striker's made-up move names on the fly. BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAY.

WWE MONEY IN THE BANK REVIEW: THAT'S GOTTA BE... KANE?

Through heckfire (we're PG) and brimstone, Kane won his second ever World Championship last night, after winning the Smackdown! Money In The Bank ladder match, and I... well, I probably should've seen that coming, in retrospect. Instead, I hitched my wagon to Matt Hardy's star. I don't know how he didn't win, he seems to be of completely sane mind!

WWE MONEY IN THE BANK

GUYS. KANE WON.

Photo - WWE.com

I'm not going to do a full-blown like/dislike review of this show. I liked Swagger/Rey, thought it was easily the best match, I liked a lot of the bumps and stories told in the MITB matches themselves (and that Miz won!), the Divas matches were (I wish I could put a drop-down menu here where you choose your own silly word to describe these matches)... but the real story here is Kane.

Rewind your brain (which, if you're a guy who watches wrestling all day like me, is the thing in your head that's turned to a pasty mush) to last year. Or even sooner. In fact, to illustrate the absurdity of Kane, let's just point out what's he's been up to in recent months.

KANE TIMELINE!

- Thought he tortured Rey Mysterio, but nope, he didn't, and then he lost like twenty hundred matches to him.

- Feuded and teamed with the Great Khali in a storyline that made no sense and included a Ranjin Singh abduction.

- Has been living in a red room backstage for fucking ever. WHY IS IT RED?! "Um, this dressing room is great guys, but I could definitely use a couple red lamps to get me in the mood to breathe heavily in people's faces."

- Lost to Drew McIntyre on PPV

- Got new pants! (This was the most interesting thing to happen to Kane since he combined fireworks with X-Pac)

- Lost to the NXT Rookies (although to be fair this is when they still had Bryan Danielson on their team)

- Teamed with Rey Mysterio (y'know, 'cause Kane forgives easily apparently).

- Has essentially been the guy everyone beats before fighting their actual opponent on PPV since I (and you) can remember.

- Fucking CRIED.

- ...

- WORLD CHAMP

I am obviously omitting some key stuff in order to serve my silly agenda, but still. COME ON. HE CRIED. Only ONE world champion is allowed to cry and that's Shawn Michaels. Triple H doesn't even cry, he just makes those weird grunting noises. AND HIS WIFE WAS RAPED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

I'm just not ready to accept Kane as champion. A few weeks of "you killed my brother- no YOU did, - no wait, maybe YOU did! BWAHH I KILL YOU NOW" when everyone knows Kane did it, (because come on, he did it, you know this) - is not enough for me. He's just been a glorified jobber for waaaayyy too long. This needed to be a much bigger and more badass overhaul of character for him to be bought as a legit threat.

But this is all my stupid opinion because clearly no one cares. People popped like crazy when he came out and dropped Rey Mysterio on his brain.

I would've 100% been on board with this (because I have been wanting something good to be done with Kane for a while now) if he had been off TV forever, maybe after some horrible, overacted action-entertainment stunt gone wrong, where he would return as SUPER KANE and look crazy and act crazy (but real crazy, not "cry into a coffin" crazy, although, reading that back... that does sound pretty fucking crazy).

Instead we're left with something that could go either way. This could lead to some kind of Undertaker feud, maybe even pushed to a WrestleMania match, maybe even, and I'm getting ahead of myself here, and using lots of commas, a retirement match.

Or we could see Kane just be same old Kane and drop the belt and we once again forget that he was ever a world champion.... uh, again. Two times. Yeah.

To cap this review off, I just heard about two RAW guest hosts for October. Here are some pictures.

One will be amazing:

It's the PSP kid! Y'know from Role Models! This will be pretty funny! Who's the other guy?

Maybe it's time to re-access my life choices.

WWE PPV PREDICTION GAME: MONEY IN THE BANK - RESULTS!

This one ended with a tie. Like Daniel Bryan! LOLZ?!

Too soon. Too soon.

WWE MONEY IN THE BANK (EVENT #3)

PREDICTION RESULTS

Photo - WWE.com

T1. (27 PTS) PSO CHEZI
T1. (27 PTS) THETAZDEVIL
T3. (26 PTS) Arn Anderson
T3. (26 PTS) Masa
T5. (24 PTS) Forthy
T5. (24 PTS) Sly Dogg
T5. (24 PTS) PIZZABODYSLAM
T8. (22 PTS) bstan80
T8. (22 PTS) TOH
T10. (21 PTS) Canadian Vampire
T10. (21 PTS) Darth Cena
T10. (21 PTS) Mike (World Champion of Something)
T13. (21 PTS) Mike1494
T13. (21 PTS) SSJ Storm
T15. (20 PTS) Cory Chaos
T15. (20 PTS) Steve (Burning Spirit)
17. (18 PTS) TCU
18. (17 PTS) Heartless
19. (14 PTS) TH (The Wrestling Blog)
20. (13 PTS) Monkey Man
21. (10 PTS) TheBullSpitterzWrestlin Corp.
22. (9 PTS) SETUP DISK
23. (6 PTS) Mario

And you can check out the updated overall standings here.