YES.
I'm back after going Old School and abandoning my blog for an extended period of time again. Since I've only done two of these reviews, lemme explain why it will be 95,000 insufferable words in length.
RAW IS DVR'D is a Raw review that helps point out what parts of the show to watch, and what parts have The Miz in it so you can fast-forward right through those. Because sometimes you don't want to spend three hours watching Raw, but you also don't want to accidentally skip over someone's Dad getting punched in the front row, y'know?
RAW IS DVR'D
JANUARY 13TH, 2014
CREEPY WYATT VIDEO: WATCH
WWE's best new character in YEARS (I want to say like… ten years? Seriously. Who has been a better character than Bray Wyatt over that period of time? Not a wrestler, not even a promo. Not a game. Just straight up character?) starts the show with a short, sweet and creepy recap of what's been going on with the Wyatts and Daniel Bryan.
This video is concise and to the point and sets up a thing that should probably always start Monday Night Raw: WRESTLING. YAY.
THE USOS V. BRAY WYATT & DANIEL BRYAN: WATCH
I'm always rattled when Raw starts with wrestling, because it makes so much goddamn sense. Let's continue to do that. Stuff that makes sense.
To further talk about Bray Wyatt being the best new wrestling character in years, I love how the Wyatts, all four of them including Bryan, have the Undertaker's voodoo body-teleport powers. I like to think that they can move like FAST ZOMBIES in the dark. Better yet, Bray and Bryan are still using a time machine that they had in NXT. (Read that. Go read that.)
Anyway, I just rewatched the 2011 Royal Rumble (and the 2012, and the 2013, and the 2010, and the 2009, and the 2001, and the) and let me tell you, Husky Harris was good, but he is a hot pile of catshit compared to Bray Wyatt. The difference is astonishing. It's like the difference between Michael McGuillicutty and never mind just kidding.
This match was short, but still good. The Usos come out of it looking BADASS, escaping a 4-on-2 beatdown and even chucking Bray's favourite TV watchin' chair around. Bray and Bryan work well together. Maybe it's because their names share so many letters. The post-match stuff with Bryan giving himself over to Bray, while the crowd, desperate for D-Bry to turn on the Wyatts, chant for him… all so, so good. I hope they draw this out until the Rumble.
Perfect start to the show. I could use more Usos/Wyatts. In the near future, maybe tonight even. Nah, they wouldn't do that…
JOHN CENA IN ACTION NEXT: FF
Wait, did they accidentally start Raw from page 9 of the script?
DID YOU KNOW - WWE NETWORK: …WATCH?
When the WWE Network debuts on February 24th, you'll be able to watch every Pay Per View event ever produced from ECW, WCW and WWE.
Hey, some actually useful Did You Know? information! This literally is info that some people may actually not know and actually want to know! There's zero WWE circle jerking going on.
I wish in small print at the bottom they snuck in "did you know that Raw is viewed by more females 19-40 than duck dynasty, dads, canadian lacrosse games and the news??"
DAMIEN SANDOW V. JOHN CENA: …WATCH?
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
I had every reason to assume that with the losing/sucking-in-general streak Damien Sandow has been on that a match against Cena might kill him. I half expected the feed to cut out at the start of the match and cut back in five seconds with John Cena's arm raised over a Damien Sandow-shaped puddle.
BUT, this match was surprisingly pretty great. The crowd, even more surprisingly, were buying that Sandow could beat John Cena. This is coming shortly after a replay they showed where Sandow couldn't beat Cena by sneak attacking him, giving him an injured arm, leg, head, shoulder, knees & toes with the WWE Title on the line. Not only that, but Sandow's spent the better part of the last few months losing to Great Khali and participating in comedy matches with Dolph Ziggler (who is a whole other story, jesus). This proves what Cena can do in the ring (partial credit to Sandow, but really, Cena is the one that is making Sandow look strong here).
Taking all of this into consideration really lends merit into Cena's wacky nearfall faces. Even he thought the match would be over in seconds.
Cena wins after a good showing from Sandow, who hopefully can use this to make him seem like more of a Damien Sandow type than a "Barry Horowitz but condescending" type.
So far I like how Raw is going. Nights like this should happen way more often. Guys like Cena taking on guys like Sandow. Guys like the Wyatts taking on guys like the Usos. Essentially, don't have the guys who are feuding with each other ALWAYS FIGHT EACH OTHER. This way we get to see guys wrestle and show what they can do, without everything ending in 50/50 booking shitty finishes. Of course I'm saying this two matches in, so… maybe I should wait for the other shoe to drop.
Also, how weird does a John Cena match feel second on Raw?
And hey, Cena's dad is here! Haven't seen him since he got punted by Randy Orton oh I see what's going on here
RAW TONIGHT - CM PUNK & THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS V. THE SHIELD: FF
Can CM Punk stop hanging out with noted drug users and friends of Triple H already?
UP NEXT - WWE NETWORK: FF
The only negative thing about the WWE Network I can think of is it's going to rob me of what would've been a fun PPV review format - ah well.
ROYAL RUMBLE COMMERCIAL: WATCH
I never got a chance to talk about how great this was, but more importantly, how great the bloopers are. Endearing as FUCK.
WWE NETWORK TWEETS: FF
Uh-huh, uh-huh I get it, all kinds of news people love the WWE Net-- wait, Chilli from TLC? That's your FOURTH BEST QUOTE?!
WWE NETWORK RECAP: WATCH
This blew my tiny mind.
I was so ready for the WWE Network, a year or so ago, to be a comical failure of a cable network. WWE On Demand and WWE 24/7 prior to this had failed at being something completely worthwhile and must-have, so for them to try it on an even larger scale as an actual network (that would assumedly house other non-wrestling shows and be more of a "style" channel or whatever) was an XFL-like disaster waiting to happen.
THIS on the other hand, is a fucking shocker to me. It's as forward-thinking the WWE has been in forever - maybe since the first WrestleMania. It's even more shocking considering how bad it was expected to be from the start. I'm so glad they realized how fucking stupid it'd be to get into the cable TV business when everyone's watching it slowly sink. Instead, we get WWE Netflix. It's the dream.
I mean, it's the dream if you don't care about your actual life and are prepared to throw it all away into an eternity of scrolling through a lifetime's amount of wrestling to watch. I give myself three months before I'm walking nude through a supermarket in a fugue state.
WWE NETWORK COUNTDOWN CLOCK: FF
WWE Network: Millenium Man
This is a commercial I don't mind seeing over and over again. This shit is fucking BONKERS.
KANE & BRAD MADDOX BACKSTAGE: FF
Here, it's revealed that the show started from the middle tonight because Kane is running the show and he's a demented fire demon who doesn't know what he's doing.
While there's no real need to watch this segment, and while I did enjoy Maddox's "Some start to the show, there's chaos!" when the show has so far featured two good matches and no bullshit, it does accomplish a few things:
- Maddox and Kane's struggle for who is 5th? 6th? in charge of the show
- we're reminded that Kane keeps his gnarly mask in a glass case and takes it with him wherever he goes
- they announce a STEEL CAGE rematch between the Usos and Bryan/Bray tonight
Well there you go. The opening match was good so let's just make it the main event too.
Then they hold on Kane's derpy smile for what seems like an eternity, or, the length of a Kane match.
RAW RECAP - BROCK V. SHOW: FF
For being a monstrous BEAST, Lesnar manages to go cartwheeling across the ring often as hell.
BIG SHOW V. JACK SWAGGER: FF
FIRED UP Big Show is my least favourite Big Show. Close second is Crying, Method Acting Big Show, close third is "Funny" Big Show, close fourth is Wrestling Big Show.
Hearing the Real Americans' music made me get HYPE for seeing Cesaro lift Big Show, but I'll take Swagger. In fact, the Real Americans get better and better by the week. First: Cesaro is the best wrestler in the WWE not named Daniel Bryan. Second: Swagger is underrated for sure, and doing a billion times better than he has over the past few years where he was wallowing in the midcard with no real purpose or direction. Third, Zeb Coulter's protest signs have been a hilarious addition to the gimmick, and could spark people bringing their own soon. Fourth: as I've been writing this, Big Show beat Swagger in seconds. GODDAMNIT
The post-match was, to put it lightly, fucking terrible. Without counting Smackdown (which I haven't caught up on since being back), here's how I understand the Lesnar/Show feud:
- Mark Henry attacks Brock Lesnar
- Brock Lesnar defends himself and beats up Mark Henry
- Mark Henry attacks Brock Lesnar
- Brock Lesnar defends himself and beats up Mark Henry
- Big Show decides he is friends with Mark Henry after never being friends with Mark Henry and attacks Brock Lesnar
- Big Show beats Jack Swagger without resistance in seconds, intimidates Zeb Coulter, grabs him in the butthole region, makes him plead for his life, knocks him out and mocks AMERICA (okay not really but hey)
How is this good for anybody? Big Show looks NO TOUGHER by beating Swagger, and then without provocation, punching out an old man. It just makes Big Show an easy target for a Paul Heyman promo that makes complete sense, which SHOULDN'T, because, y'know, he's the bad guy.
What an enormous cunt.
UP NEXT - NEW AGE OUTLAWS & CM PUNK V. THE SHIELD: FF
In our "match that happened on Smackdown but will happen again on Raw because idunno" match of the week.
NEW AGE OUTLAWS & CM PUNK V. THE SHIELD: WATCH
Maybe fast-forward the entrance. Although, you know what, it was better than last week when Road Dogg introduced CM Punk as a man who needs no introduction, but then proceeded to give him one that included the phrase "drop pipebombs on all your moms". (You're right, he didn't need an introduction).
In other news, this THE SHIELD match is fun as hell, largely thanks to Roman "2014" Reigns. He gets a sweet pop when he's finally tagged in, nails an EPIC apron dropkick on Punk (THIS ISN'T PWG ROMAN, HOLY FUCK - with the Superman Punch, the Better Than Edge's Spear Spear and now this, he's gonna have the most indy moveset in a group that includes Dean Ambrose and Tyler Black, wow.), and doles out a crotch chop to both DX Uncles.
You're nuts if you don't think Roman Reigns will have a HUGE Royal Rumble match.
And THANK YOU to the Outlaws. It all makes sense that they'd turn on Punk. Kind… of? Not really. I mean, they should've never been hanging out together in the first place. At least they're assumedly now where they're supposed to be, suckling at the cerebral teat of Triple H.
In other news, I like how they've managed to slow burn the Shield's apparently imminent breakup. It's reasonable to think that they might have some hiccups hear or there to plant the seeds of a breakup, and not to just be like one week they bumped into each other and the next week they're hurling each other through three separate barber shop windows. I'm constantly stunned by how well they've booked The Shield since they debuted. If they debuted literally three years prior, they'd be a joke by now. Hopefully they continue to handle all three of them (and not just Roman) like that when the break up does happen.
Honourable mention to Seth Rollins' apparent role in the group, which is Hilarious Heel Advice From The Apron Guy: "don't forget about that eye!" and "pull his beard!" have been hits with me so far. His role is also doing this from time to time.
WYATTS BACKSTAGE: WATCH
"run" (in a hilarious whisper) might be the best underused catchphrase going right now. Especially when coupled with Bray popping into frame in gleeful surprise.
DID YOU KNOW - WWE NETWORK: FF
When you subscribe to the WWE Network, you will get every WWE Pay Per View, starting with WrestleMania XXX for just $9.99 per month! with 6 month commitment
Well, it is still information I'd like to know but you did just say this stuff on commentary but okay okay it's cool, we're cool.
Also, that little "6 month commitment text". Ha. You and I both know I've had a 288 month commitment thus far and there's nothing I can do to prevent myself from pulling my wallet apart and turning it upside down into a big burlap sack that says "WWE" on it.
FUNKADACTYLS V. AJ LEE & TAMINA: FF
NXT's Emma is in the crowd for this match and is shown for precisely one second. Interesting introduction. Oh, and also, it's not just for this match - she's still waving her sign (and arms?) around during the Orton/Kofi match, which is pretty funny. Maybe it wasn't planned and she just bought a ticket to the show and isn't being all "wrestler" about it by sitting in the front row and pointing at her ticket. EMMA HAS A RIGHT TO BE HERE KING.
Anyway, this match has far too much Cameron in it, which might be the reason people forget that Naomi is pretty good. Cameron's failed rollup-turned vagina-takedown attempt was valiant though.
I'm not sure who first started the bit where you grab your downed opponent's hand and mock their tag attempt, but AJ does a hilarious job at it. Kevin Steen remains my #1.
RANDY ORTON BACKSTAGE: FF
Randy Orton urgently looking for the bathroom WAIT nope, The Authority, sorry.
RAW TONIGHT: STEEL CAGE REMATCH: FF
I can get behind the booking psychology of "hey that match was pretty good let's see it again… in a STEEL CAGE"
HALL OF FAME 2014 FIRST INDUCTEE?: FF
neat
KANE & ORTON BACKSTAGE: FF
Good god there's a lot of non-in-ring stuff going on here.
We cut to Kane idly snapchatting a pic of his dong to Vince before Orton busts in to demand something something (my brain kind of goes into energy-conserving mode when Orton speaks) until Kane gives him a match with Kofi Kingston, and suddenly my 2009 is itching.
Kane's backstage segments need more red mood lighting. Or at the very least segments where he's tinkering with the lights, trying to make them redder.
WWE NETWORK MEDIA QUOTES: FF
I'm glad that IGN also thought that the Network was one thing the WWE can actually call revolutionary. Maybe I'm out of touch (hey I just got this ipad device it's like a google without the mouse!1 its got candy crush), but I was impressed as fuck with what they did. Combining streaming content with a live program schedule is pretty brilliant and something I'd never heard of before.
I guess Apple TV has been doing it, but it's pretty nuts that the WWE, the thing that is always like ten years minimum behind whatever is going on in the world (whether it's fashion (80's wrestling looks like 70's real life, 90's wrestling looks like 80's real life, etc) or jokes (pretty sure WWE made a "pants on the ground" American Idol joke embarrassingly late) legitimately introduced me to a new technological advancement in how people truly will watch TV/view content in the future, and it's not Tout.
2014 HALL OF FAME INDUCTEE - THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR: WATCH
I look forward to everything about this.
I've loved the Ultimate Warrior since I was a little Warrior in kindergarten. Well, actually I was a little Big Boss Man (what were his fans called? Parole Officers? I dunno) as I was him for Halloween in Sr. K. But I loved the Warrior and as a child who watched the WWF, who didn't?
Even when he returned in '96 I thought he was awesome. I came home from school doing my best Warrior impression for my parents, who I'm sure at that moment were slowly reaching for the phone to speed dial the family doctor.
And even now, I love how hilarious he is as a real person. I want to take this time to list all of the things you need to watch as a grown up little Warrior, such as this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this.
RENEE YOUNG WITH PAUL HEYMAN: WATCH
EAT. SLEEP. DELIVER A REALLY GOOD PROMO LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO, TO THE POINT WHERE I WANT TO SAY HOW GOOD IT IS, BUT IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING IT WAS GOOD SO I'LL JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT. HIT ON RENEE. REPEAT.
RANDY ORTON V. KOFI KINGSTON: FF
WOOF.
This match unfortunately hit that spot of Raw where you start to feel burnt out on a three hour show. We're like, what just over halfway through? The match wasn't… terrible… just, kinda boring. JBL actually used the line "Kofi just won't die. Maybe he should" and I took it as "please end this 12 minute marathon".
It's tough when you give the crowd Wyatts/Usos, Cena/Sandow (which cut a mean pace) and a Shield match and then hit them with the Show/Swagger fiasco, a Divas match and this mental test of strength. I'd love to rewatch this match and count how many chinlocks and stomps Orton used, but I'd also like to retain my will to live.
I spent most of this match trying to predict Kofi's "false Rumble elimination spot". Top candidates for me:
- he gets thrown out and lands on his back but his feet are in the air. He then has to shimmy around until he gets to the steps and climbs up
- he's thrown out and lands on the steps, then an eliminated wrestler gets mad and throws up toward the floor but he latches on to the barricade. Said wrestler then pushes him off, but the fans catch him and bodysurf him back to the ring
- The Spirit Squad are a surprise entrant in the Rumble only so Kofi can use their mini trampoline when he's thrown out, only to spring back in one motion
- Kofi saws off his own feet so he can never be eliminated, tragically dies of blood loss
Kofi ends up winning this match, which started in 2009. He later threw paint on Randy's racecar.
ORTON'S POST MATCH TANTRUM: WATCH
SPEAKING OF 2009
Orton flips out because he lost to Kofi Kingston and Cena could barely beat Damien Sandow - he's worried for the Royal Rumble buyrate, rite/???! /dirtsheetjoke
He then pops off on John Cena's dad who is in the front row, which brings John Cena out, utilizing the SPEED WADDLE. Cena also showed his concern by half saying the f-word twice.
All in all, not too bad. Although it does seem shoehorned in. Orton's attacked Cena Sr. before, and this match was supposed to be more about the title (one of the "most anticipated rematches in WWE history", right?) than how much these two guys hate each other, but, here we are. Cena's off riding in the ambulance with his dad, still shirtless with his underwear sticking out (he's the male Lita).
BRHODES V. RYBAXEL: FF
Neither of those are real words.
This match was mostly decent, but nothing crazy or anything. A few things, though:
1. I wish Jim Johnston spent more than ten seconds on the Goldust/Cody Rhodes theme mashup. That could've been SWEET - two of the best themes ever.
2. Ryback getting Goldberg chants couldn't make less sense at this point. At first, yeah, maybe - he was doing a streak thing and squashing guys and not saying much. Sure. Goldberg. But now he's teaming with a dweeb and losing all the time, acting a fool on Twitter and doing all kinds of non-Goldberg like stuff. The crowd may as well be chanting SALVATORE SINCERE at him.
3. This fantasy booking of Rybaxel is WAY BETTER than this or any other Rybaxel match, so just spend the duration of this match reading it instead.
REY WALKING BACKSTAGE: FF
Man, remember when Batista turned on Rey and ripped his head off? That RULED. Oh hey:
BATISTA RETROSPECTIVE VIDEO: FF
This video neglects everything from Big Dave's heel run, and suddenly I realize how little I am looking forward to babyface Batista. He saved up all of this WICKED heel shit for two months of John Cena matches basically and then he was gone. Now he's coming back and we're going to have to pretend that that didn't happen, aren't we? GODDAMNIT
Also, #StillHungry - did not realize him being hungry was a thing we knew. He quit, how could he be hungry? Stupid face batista goddamnit
REY MYSTERIO V. ALBERTO DEL RIO: FF
There's a lot of fast-forwarding going on here. This Raw started off so promising, and then I went and jinxed it and we're getting 17 flashback matches. This one takes us to 2010.
The only thing worth checking out from this match is Rey's entrance, where he hands his hood off to a kid, and the dad hugs his kid like BOTH of their dreams came true.
Also, that's not entirely true - ADR goes flying through the ropes in the corner at one point and pinballs off the ringpost and onto the steel steps. That was pretty sweet. We also seem to learn that the 619 is losing its power. Here, Del Rio gets right up after a 619 to stop Rey on the top, and a few weeks ago (last week? My brain is losing its power) Erick Rowan no sold it completely. I'd love a storyline where Rey's called out for slowing down at his age and his moves just don't have the same effect - for someone his size, what makes his offense work is how fast he is.
Anyway, Del Rio wins, I assume to look strong for when Batista immediately eliminates him from the Rumble.
And hey, ADR, Mysterio is not Batista's friend… BUT HE WAS SPOSEDA BE
RAW TONIGHT - STEEL CAGE REMATCH: FF
ROUND TWO LET'S GO YEAHHF
WWE NETWORK TWEETS: FF
More tweets yeahhf
WWE NETWORK ANNOUNCEMENT RECAP: FF
okay c'mon now
They're really putting my "I could watch this over and over" comment to a test here.
But in all honesty, seeing it this many times still fills my pants with pee. Although, I could've gone with not being reminded of Triple H and HBK's worst possible Abbott and Costello routine that occurred at the Network launch thing. "Legends never die, they just get better" was said way too near Hunter and Shawn arguing for seventeen minutes about whether there was an S at the end of Monday Night War or not.
But in all honesty, seeing it this many times still fills my pants with pee. Although, I could've gone with not being reminded of Triple H and HBK's worst possible Abbott and Costello routine that occurred at the Network launch thing. "Legends never die, they just get better" was said way too near Hunter and Shawn arguing for seventeen minutes about whether there was an S at the end of Monday Night War or not.
WWE NETWORK COUNTDOWN CLOCK: FF
But seriously, JUST HOOK IT TO MY VEEEEINNNSS.
CM PUNK & KANE BACKSTAGE: FF
CM Punk is informed he's been entered in the Rumble by the Authority. He also takes this time to call Road Dogg and Billy Gunn Triple H's cronies, weeks after teaming with them and hanging out with them and stuff.
USOS PRE-MATCH PROMO: WATCH
WOW they edited this thing fast. This is worth checking out if you want to learn how to say two very specific sentences in Samoan.
THIS FRIDAY - NEW AGE OUTLAWS V. BRHODES: FF
WOW they got a shot at the tag champs for being Triple H's cronies fast.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT RINGSIDE: FF
hey football
EARLIER TONIGHT - ORTON TANTRUM: FF
can we just
MAIN EVENT STEEL CAGE MATCH - BRAY WYATT & DANIEL BRYAN V. THE USOS: WATCH
THANK YOU
If there is one thing you should watch from this show, it's this. Sorry it took me 200,000 paragraphs to tell you that.
There was so much to like here it's not even fun to write about. Everybody was great - from Bray Wyatt laying a kiss on one Uso and taking a superkick from the other, Harper and Rowan playing catch the Uso on the outside, to Bray's maniacal evil genius laughter at the end of the match.
Oh and hey, y'know, that whole part where Daniel Bryan came to his senses and beat the ever-loving piss out of the Wyatts.
And as much as I wish they'd held off till the Rumble or even next week for this type of thing, this entire moment gave me goosebumps. How INSANE was that crowd? It just further shows (as if you even need to be shown any further) how OVER Bryan is, when the crowd was dead as fuck for an Orton match, a Mysterio match, etc. and he lights the whole building up just by staring at Bray Wyatt. Beautiful.
Jim Ross likened the entire moment - the way Bryan had the entire arena in the palm of his hand - to Stone Cold Steve Austin. Holy fucking shit. It was incredible.
Not to mention that Bryan was main eventing Raw with three guys who, aside from huge multi-man tag matches, to my recollection, have never main evented Raw before.
I'm so glad that this storyline wasn't about Bryan "punking" the Wyatts the whole time. I'd read a bunch of theories on why he'd finally caved and joined the Wyatt family, and that was my least favourite one. It makes so much more sense for him to persevere and break out of Bray Wyatt's voodoo spell, because it allows Bryan to overcome something and it gives power to Bray. If Bryan was just tricking him all along, everybody just looks stupid - Bryan for doing it and Bray for falling for it.
Now, for the "ruh-roh" part of all of this - I'm sure you've heard by now, but there's rumours that Bryan suffered a concussion last night, believed to be serious. I'd still consider it a rumour so far, since WWE hasn't mentioned it, and the only people bringing it up are dirtsheets saying they received word from a WWE spokesperson, so this could easily be somebody working them anyway.
Before I go, I gotta share what was a pretty sweet observation from /u/IamHappiness on Wreddit (/r/SquaredCircle), that points out some similarities between the Bryan/Wyatts storyline and the Sting/nWo storyline from 1997. And while I'm at it, you should be lurking Wreddit everyday like me, so you can see amazing stuff like this or this or this.
That's all for this week. I'll leave you guys with a few videos WWE posted for the recently passed Mae Young. Just try not to have your heart warmed by the Cerebral Assassin in the second video. RIP.
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