THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12: WHERE EVERYONE SAYS "MY BAD"

Thursday Raw Thursday comes to you every (wait for it) Thursday via Fair To Flair in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was killed by that murderous, scary, serial killing wrestler guy Kane John Cena.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12

WOO!

ANGRY WRESTLERS SPEAKING ANGRILY TO EACH OTHER

It’s weird that I have to applaud that (angry, reluctant applause), but when today’s wrestlers usually speak to each other in some combination of winks and punchlines and G-rated filth, anger is suddenly refreshing.

This past Monday, Raw was bookended by two segments based around two people being angry with each other. There’s two key parts to that sentence: the angry part, and the with each other part.

The “angry” part is refreshing because we live in a world where John Cena can’t stop talking about underwear when Kane is trying to for real murder him. So when Dolph Ziggler rips Mick Foley a new place to hide his sock, or when CM Punk takes a page out of Big Johnny’s book and tells him to shut his mouth just like Eve should (show some goddamned respect, Eve), well, my pro wrestling boner grew three sizes that day.

The “with each other” part is refreshing because we live in a world where every wrestler is hyper aware of the people watching the show. It’s come to a point where John Cena has literally walked out to the ring to stand there and hold the microphone out to the audience as a promo. So when these four guys are all angry with each other over an issue that isn’t based entirely on how much “we people” like or hate John Cena, or how John Laurinaitis is or isn’t Mr. Exciting to “us people,” my pro wrestling boner grows three sizes more.

Now, I don’t want things to get carried away with anger and have everyone screaming and stabbing each other like in TNA (I haven’t watched TNA in a long time, okay [ed. note: this is still how it is over there]) because that would totally devalue what happened on Monday. But if we could dial back the self-awareness and the unfunny comedy, I think everyone would benefit.

Alternatively, we could just run rapid-fire replays of John Laurinaitis telling Eve to shut her mouth and I could giggle myself to sleep every week because that was so fucking funny.

BIG JOHNNY STUDD

In addition to being this close to telling Eve to shut her fucking mouth, Johnny Ace also launched into what I was hoping would slowly turn into a Will Ferrell “I drive a Dodge Stratus!!” dinner table speech. He just kept getting more and more frustrated with how he was being bullied, I felt like it had to end with “YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY! I CAN DO 100 PUSH-UPS IN TWENTY MINUTES! BIG TIME STUFF”

Also, The Squared Circle wrote a nice paragraph on why Big Johnny is so easy to hate (when you’re not choking on your own laughter at the things he says):

"I love to hate Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim RAW General Manager John Lauranitis. Just that whole fuckin’ title. It gets heat like a furnace.

I think he’s a better evil boss than Mr. McMahon, because Vince is so transparently Evil and Johnny Ace is a much more recognizable form of evil everybody has seen in a shitty boss before, the evil of incompetence. You can’t tell if he’s trying to fuck you over on purpose, or if shit just keeps rolling downhill, and there he is on his fuckin’ BlackBerry again, what a motherfucker."

And it’s true. Despite all of his Eve-silencing comedy, it’s not hard to get behind CM Punk when he’s calling him a douchebag. He even stumbles over his words (I swear he almost called Punk CP Munk), and while I don’t think that’s intentional, it seems to at least give Punk’s shots at his charisma a leg to stand on.

DANIEL BRYAN APPRECIATES AJ

I love seeing the wheels spinning in Daniel Bryan’s head as he grows as a heel.

When AJ says “I love you” and he says “how much” you can see a little thought bubble pop above his head with a clip of Big Show running her over and ending the match playing inside of it. When Big Show actually does run her over, you can see the gears turning in Bryan’s head until he finally realizes how he can use this against Big Show and then he makes him fucking cry.

He. Made. The Big Show. Cry.

The best part of this is that Daniel Bryan essentially showed up on Raw to tell a live television audience that the Big Show is an unapologetic, crying, blithering idiot. That makes him my favourite person. To be fair, he already was.

I just realized that last week I made a joke about Big Show looking like a camouflage fake penis, and then this week Big Show started crying (you know, out of the tip of his face, his eyes), which means Big Show is pretty much forcing me to make a semen joke I don’t want to make.

SECOND FUNKASAURUS VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST

Okay, it’s the same match twice, but it’s still funny as shit to watch.

I think it might get better and more fun if it keeps happening this EXACT way. Same moves, same catchphrases, same timing, same jobber opponent making “what the actual fuck” faces at the camera, same everything. It’d be like the shortest cult movie ever where people go to the theatre and shout out punchlines and sing along to the songs, except everyone would be shouting “SHEEPLEX” and answering “YEAH” in a sassy voice to “SHOULD I… GET HEE-YIM?”.

What’s even better about this is that he’s had three matches as the Funkasaurus, and with the dance routine, the booty shake, the opponent feel-up, the big headbutt, the SHEEPLEX, the avalanche in the corner and the “Aw, Funk It!” he’s already got more moves than Diesel (and that’s including the hair flip).

CHRIS JERICHO, MR. SPARKLE

It looks like the ‘Quiet-ollah of Rock and Trolla’ (I tried, and therefore no one can criticize me) is on board with my “Every WWE Heel Needs A Non-Verbal Catchphrase Initiative,” which I started last week. Crying invisible tears would’ve been a good one, but Big Show already aped that, so he went with turning off the lights of whatever room he’s in and illuminating his Flyerman jacket.

I wonder when the cheers will fully stop, and how he’ll keep them that way. Don’t think for a second, no matter how hard he trolls people, that the crowd won’t go apeshit if he wins the Rumble.

Speaking of the Rumble, I’d love it if one of two things happened:

1. Jericho enters at number one and manages to never actually enter the ring or the Rumble by continuously milking a crowd reaction for the duration of the match. It would be a social experiment so see how many times over the course of an hour people would cheer, start booing, then slowly start to laugh, then cheer again, then start booing again, etc.

2. Jericho enters the Rumble, lasts ‘til the end with one other jobber like Tyler Reks or someone, then eliminates himself so people have to deal with Tyler Reks winning the Royal Rumble. No one could cheer that.

Honourable Mention: Tag Team Match, Play— URRRGHHHHAAGGH NO! NO!!! I CAN CHANGE!!!

Teddy Long did the unthinkable. He saw four guys in a ring, in conflict with one another, came out, and didn’t make a tag team match. In therapy this is called a “breakthrough”.

I can’t stop picturing Teddy Long watching Sheamus, The Miz, R-Truth and Wade Barrett all fight in the ring, vibrating in place at the thought of a tag team match. Part of me wishes that after he announced the Over The Top Rope Battle Royal, he went “just kidding, tag team match playa!”

Honourable Honourable Mention: This Teddy Long “Tag Team Match Dubstep Lolz” video that for some reason I laughed at.

Honourable Honourable Honourable Mention: Dolph Ziggler referencing John Cena’s hilariously awkward run from last week.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12

BOO!

JOHN CENA MIGHT BE A SOCIOPATH

I understand that this whole thing was supposed to be John Cena “embracing hate,” but it sure as shit was the weirdest thing to embrace hate over.

He’s just a sociopath. Kane tries to murder him and the next week he comes out to wish everyone a Happy New Year and make underwear jokes. Zack Ryder loses a match and John Cena attempts to FUCKING KILL Jack Swagger while everyone screams STOP STOP HE’S ALREADY DEAD.

What’s also weird is how he referenced Johnny Ace’s “my bad” when confronting him backstage, which means he was watching Zack Ryder’s backstage promo. NO OTHER WRESTLER seems to watch these backstage segments, but no, John Cena is somewhere backstage, eyes glued to the monitor as Zack Ryder is being tended to by doctors. I don’t know why I find that so weird. Everyone else is off preparing for matches while John Cena has his thumb up his butt watching the show he’s on.

Point is, John Cena is a crazier crazy person than Kane, who is still pretty crazy, because he did his “ringpost pyro taunt” from backstage to a camera, as if that’s what actually sets off his fireworks.

All of this stuff is in the BOO section, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I liked it at least a little bit for how goddamn funny it is.

CM PUNK CAN DO BOTH FUNNY AND SERIOUS!

Brandon Stroud of the Best and Worst of Raw tackled the shit out of this already. He made great points about Punk’s awkward jabs at Ziggler, and I was certainly caught off-guard by his “hiding behind a woman, and a poor excuse of a woman” comment towards Vickie Guerrero, but somehow I’m more offended by his unfunny comedy.

Coming out and saying things like “turd in a punch bowl” and making fun of a guy’s spray tan and highlights reeks of so much John Cena that he was one Shouty Preacher Voice away from evolving into him. John Cena’s “funny voice / serious voice” on-off switch doesn’t work for him, so it’d be sweet if no one else, especially CM fucking Punk, would give it a shot ever again.

ZACK RYDER HAS FIGHTING SPIRIT

Remember two years ago when Jack Swagger won the World Heavyweight Title by beating Chris Jericho (with injured ribs) using one Gutwrench Powerbomb? How the hell am I then supposed to believe that Swagger needs THREE of those to beat Zack Ryder (with Kane-injured ribs [BBQ ribs?]) for the US Title?

This is nit-picking, but it was just a bit odd to see him kick-out TWICE when his ribs are injured, and it’s a totally acceptable loss if he were to just take it once and get pinned. If Ryder can kick-out of finishers like that, let’s line him up against Undertaker this year at Mania.

PEREZ/PARIS HILTON

Whichever one the announcers want to go with, I guess.

Anyway, nothing needs to be even said about this, nor does any penis or cocaine need to be drawn on a picture about this. It was more than uncomfortable watching him sell a Bella shove like someone yanked a rug out from underneath him. It was a bad idea from the second they announced it, all the way through to when it was over. It went exactly as we expected, ninety seconds of plugging his website, a roll-up finish, everyone booed.

Now we can all go back to having that exact same match without him next week, and he can go back to, I don’t know, mashing the exclamation point key?

Honourable Mention: Evan Bourne’s second wellness strike.

Okay, I’m not going to say much here. Everyone’s piped in and gone “lol dumb” or whatever enough. I might take some flack for this, but here goes.

I agree. It is dumb. He probably should’ve had his shit together knowing he’d be tested again. My problem is more with the reaction it got online. Sure, everyone was correct that he was stupid for getting busted (probably for pot or fake pot or whatever, although I don’t think it was ever actually said what it was). But it’s also not exactly flattering to see your timeline fill up in seconds with people leaping at the chance to point and laugh at a guy, who’s done nothing but hurt his own future.

I feel like I can’t really say that and come off like my hands are clean or whatever, considering how much fun I’ve made of Matt Hardy in the past or whoever, so I know I’m no different, so all I’m going to say, in this run-on sentence, is for whatever reason, to see the news break and how everyone immediately reacted, it irked me, and now I’ll move on, enough preaching, especially since I’ll probably ruin it within the week by pointing and laughing at Matt Hardy or something.

And, even I can’t deny that this was funny. So there.

Edited by K. Sawyer Paul

THE DEBUT OF THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY: 01/09/12

I’ve come to realize that my reviews, if one even gets done, get done late. So, I’ve decided to brand my own tardiness! Every Thursday you can find my review of Raw here, and over at Fair To Flair. If you haven’t seen the Thursday Raw Thursday, please watch this video so whenever you read “Thursday Raw Thursday” in this or any future post, you can say “Thursday Raw Thursday” in your head in that weird stilted phrasing, like I always do.

Thursday Raw Thursday comes to you in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” is still changing a tire at the American Bank Center Arena in Corpus Christi.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY REVIEW 01/09/12

WOO!

THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE (MAYBE NOT, BUT LET’S RUN TO OUR RENTAL CAR ANYWAY)

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been gone ever since Kane returned and forcibly caved John Cena’s mouth in on itself. But now, like Kane, I’ve been resurrected (I guess you can be resurrected if Mark Henry sits on your leg and you take ‘er easy for a while), and I too am wearing a big silver Vega mask.

I’ve already missed some instant Kane classics in the time I’ve been gone. Such as Kane Hadokening John Cena. Or when he stood around trying to get a “Cena Sucks” chant going, but mostly failed and had to just sit there idly twiddling his yarn pants (I wish he started it with a falsetto “let’s go Cena!”). Even last week’s promo from backstage (I hope he was in full gear with a microphone just sitting there poking at the lights and pyro board trying to spook Cena) had me in stitches (like his yarn pants).

And now he’s claiming he almost brought Zack Ryder to “hell” with him (hopefully the same “hell” that Edge was in and later made fun of).

But nothing was funnier than watching Zack Ryder change a tire while Eve squirmed in the passenger’s seat for like three commercial breaks. There was absolutely no logic or voice of reason in this segment (which I’ll get to), and I died laughing, much like Zack Ryder presumably died when he was chokeslammed onto a grocery skid, and like John Cena died when Kane suffocated him with the cup your hand around your fart and make someone smell it move.

BIG JOHNNY VS. LITTLE JIMMY

In an instance of perfect timing, R-Truth stops being funny just when BIG JOHNNY steps up to the plate, texting and quipping like a boss Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw. Even Jerry Lawler was casually calling him “Big Johnny” by the end of the night - that shit STUCK.

More importantly, I’d like it if every heel could have a non-verbal catchphrase. Kind of like when you play Sonic the Hedgehog, and if you do nothing for long enough he’ll start tapping his foot, but if you were playing David Otunga the Hedgehog, he’d whip out a hot beverage thermal mug and take a swig. This would all build to one show where they could do one of their “DAMN” backstage sketches that would actually be funny, where Johnny Ace texts, Otunga slurps, Del Rio winks, maybe Swagger gets his facial twitch back and Jinder Mahal pets a cat or something.

DANIEL BRYAN IS MICHAEL COLE

He is.

It’s both alarming and amazing, but he is. At first he was just a douche, and I hate Big Show so he’s a douche to me, so it was two douches feuding for a week or two, so that sucked for me. But now, it’s better (except for Big Show, who I still hate, and will get to later).

It’s a bit odd that DB’s celebrating exactly like Michael Cole would (endless shouting of YES YES YES YES [he may as well be saying WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER]). I’m bracing myself for Big Show eventually squashing Danielson and Michael Cole standing up and going “YES YES YES SEE HE IS A NERD WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER” and farting on his head.

But for now, I can enjoy the slow potential return of “I have ‘til five, referee” Bryan Danielson heel World Champion.

HAS BRODUS CLAY DEBUTED YET?

So now we know why he took so long to debut. He had to come all the way from Planet Funk.

WHAT. THE. (RESISTING THE URGE TO SAY FUNK) FUCK. I’ve only watched this segment once, so it’s still spinning around my brain like a fever dream. I once had this dream when I was ten where I was Owen Hart and I was wrestling the Ultimate Warrior, but then I looked up and saw Vader climbing the seats in the crowd like King Kong scaling a skyscraper, but his red singlet was all sparkly and he was wearing all kinds of gaudy gold jewellery. It’s stuck with me forever. Now I know why.

I don’t want to ruin this already for myself by saying this is something that will probably get less and less fun as it goes on, so I’m just going to say that I laughed for the entire duration of that match, and hope to do so in the future.

BONUS WOO: “Should I get ‘im?!!??!”

PUNK VS. SWAGGER, ZOLPH ZIGGLER, PREMATURE JACK DOAN

Okay, a lot of names to get to. I’ll get Zolph out of the way first, because John Laurinaitis flubbing his name made me bust a gut.

CM Punk has finally made it back to where he should be. No more weird Triple H and Kevin Nash heart-breaking, no more goofy John Cena forced humour, he’s just the WWE Champion and wrestling in the best match of the night, each night.

It’s so much more simple now. He has legitimate beef with John Laurinaitis for his constant “good intentions” interference in Punk’s affairs, and everything else seems to fall into place nicely. Nothing is too convoluted, it’s simple enough, and Punk is more than good enough to make simple good.

Punk vs. Swagger was great, and somehow made even more great with Jack Doan’s premature “1… 2… 3! WHOOPS SORRY FUCK”. The announcers replaying it and treating it as something that actually happened instead of ignoring it like they usually would made things feel that much more real, even if it was a mistake. It’s something that makes you look up from your laptop or put a stop to the conversation in the room (who am I kidding, we’re all on our laptops, NERDS! TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER) and pay attention because the wrestling program has stopped continuing on as a normal wrestling program would.

Honourable Mention: Chris Jericho

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You can’t see me right now, but I’m crying.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY REVIEW: 01/09/12

BOO!

BUT SERIOUSLY, KANE (AND ZACK RYDER AND EVE)

WOW. Okay, Razor handled this whole “horror movie” storyline in his Raw review (he also handled “Raw” in his Raw review, so I’m here to just, y’know, beat that dead Funkhorse!) but I do have a few things to say about the logistics of this.

On the one hand, Eve running out of the ring, out of the building, into a car and attempting to get away is AMAZING. It’s what you (maybe just me) always want a wrestler to do (or at least just calmly walk away) whenever The Undertaker starts slowly making his way to the ring to standing 69 him. Just walk away. Theme music is not paralyzing.

On the other hand, once she and Ryder made it to the rental car and spent forty minutes replacing the wiper fluid, shouldn’t one of them have gone “oh, he’s not coming, let’s just go” and leave? I’m still not sure what they expected from driving back to their hotel when they’ll just be seeing Kane at the next live event anyway, where he’s free to palm their mouths as much as he so pleases.

But when Eve was standing in the ring all giddy, primed and ready to air-hump, and then Kane’s music hit and she instantly took a knee and shit herself, I shit MYSELF laughing (seriously, best reaction to Kane since John Cena’s scared face from two weeks ago).

There’s still no proof that Kane was ever coming out. He could’ve been in the washroom watching Superstar after Superstar brush their teeth while the light and pry guy was like “whoops, hit the Kane button” and all of a sudden Eve and Zack are bookin’ it for the parking lot before he can hit pause.

This has to be the biggest and most hilarious overreaction in wrestling history. I kind of wish it was taken even further. Maybe next week Zack can shoot Kane with a real gun because he’s still overreacting.

At the very least someone should follow Eve around playing Kane’s music until she has a nervous breakdown.

A NEVER ENDING LACK OF LOGIC

I don’t want anyone to think this bothered me that much, but sometimes the way this show is shot is dumb. I understand that this is a television show and it’s fake, I just hate when things happen to remind everyone it’s fake.

Like the camera panning to a closed door, seemingly for no reason, after Zack Ryder makes idle threats about Kane, and then the door creaks open and out pops Kane’s head. Or when the cameras cut to Zack Ryder CHANGING A TIRE during the main event. Why is this important, unless, yep, here comes Kane to MURDER — NOPE — CHOKESLAM him? The only other noteworthy reason to cut to Zack Ryder changing a tire during the main event is to go, “haha, ho man he’s still changing that tire, okay carry on”.

A GOOD R-TRUTH

It’s subtle, but allow me to illustrate the differences between A Bad R-Truth and A GoooOoOoOoOoooD R-Truth:

A Bad R-Truth: Requires water.

A Good R-Truth: Is still trying to get an open water bottle over as a believable weapon.

A Bad R-Truth: Punctuates his crazy actions with goggly eyes.

A Good R-Truth: Punctuates his crazy actions with a wink and a smile.

A Bad R-Truth: Hates Little Jimmy.

A Good R-Truth: Wants Little Jimmy to wish The Miz a Happy New Year.

A Bad R-Truth: Is funny.

A Good R-Truth: Is not funny.

FELLLLAAAAAAAA

I laoch Sheamus. In fact, his DUSH DUSH DUSH DUSH DUSH style of wrestling has somehow caught on with me. I like how he makes the same noise when he hits someone as when he’s being hit. But when he walks out on the ramp and yells “FELLLLAAAAAA” instead of “LAOCH”, I laoch him a little less.

It just doesn’t really make sense. Sure, Sheamus, I realize you like saying “fella” a lot, which is cool, but would it make sense for me to walk out on the ramp and go “DUUUUUUUDE”? At least laoch sounds like something you would scream to get psyched up because you’re Irish and that’s an Irish word meaning “powerbomb” or whatever and I can run with that. Screaming “fella” directed at no one in particular is a weird battle cry, so stop doing it. But please continue kicking Jinder Mahal in the face because fuck that guy.

BIG SHOW IS ACCIDENTALLY MORE OBNOXIOUS THAN THE GUY TRYING TO BE OBNOXIOUS

No matter how hard Daniel Bryan tries to be an annoying doucher, Big Show always manages to one up him. What’s worse: Bryan celebrating after winning a match in two minutes, or Big Show interrupting said celebration to come out WITH FIREWORKS, cheering and pointing like he’s at some National Cheerleading Final, slapping hands with everyone, going “OH YEAGGHHH”, putting his toque on a soldier, to only get in the ring and go “now, about last week”.

Are you really THAT PUMPED UP to talk about last week? I hate when Big Show is like this. I hate his Kevin Nash Just For Men: Beard beard. I hate how no matter how many times Daniel Bryan takes him to the limit, every time a new rematch is announced, Big Show is all “HAHA YEAH WHATEVER UR DEAD”.

P.S. Stop dressing like a camouflage dildo.

Honourable Mention: Wait, I forgot the most important part - TWITTER!

I understand that the WWE is really proud of it’s social media accomplishments. I get that they are pushing Twitter on their TV shows and what have you. But I can’t handle one more WWE Superstar or announcer saying to another WWE Superstar or announcer “sure, you may have [done something actually important like win a title or match] and you may be [concerned with something actually important like your current storyline], but who cares?! YOU ARE [TRENDING ON TWITTER / FOLLOWED BY MORE PEOPLE THAN SOMEONE / TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER]

On that note, here’s the end of my review where I tell you to follow me on Twitter.