RAW 06/28/10 REVIEW: *EMAIL ALERT NOISE*

Not a good time, guys. Not a good time.

RAW 06/28/10

LIKE: EVAN BOURNE IS FAST

DISLIKE: MONDAY NIGHT RAW

Photo - WWE.com

LIKED

- Blazing hot crowd. But even though this crowd was hotter than my underpants after watching Maryse and Ted DiBiase interact (don't judge me), that couldn't save the show, which was agonizing segment after agonizing segment after balls-in-vice agonizing segment.

- Evan Bourne and John Morrison moving at Mach 1000 speeds. They were literally the only wrestling-related highlight of this show. From Evan's apron-to-outside kick, to Morrison's hot-tag-assault on The Miz, they ran the show tonight.

- Randy Orton's volcanic pop. The crowd was SO hot for Orton (no-homo... or maybe yes-homo) that when he hit his INSTANT RKO, I'm almost positive 20% of the fans there achieved orgasm.

- Sheamus, the tacky orange pot, calling the orange kettle tacky.

- I HATECHU CENA, I HATECHU

- R-Truth is the ZOOKEEPER and that's the TRUTH and that's also something he regretted saying immediately after saying it.

- I liked the Edge/Rob Zombie back-and-forth, if that is indeed a sentence I'm proud of having burned into the internet.

- During the Legends/Nexus showdown segment, I wrote "Arn Anderson and Dean Malenko for WWE and World Champs plz," but my auto spelling corrector changed it to "WWE and World Champ plaza." But I would let them run that too, if that was a thing.

- I hope the Daniel Bryan chants outlive the WHAT chants.

- That Divas' match was bad, but at least the Axe Kick was soul destroying.

DISLIKED (THIS MAY TAKE A WHILE)

And first of all, I hate being hard on the things I love. But sometimes, when I am hard on the things I love, a part of me believes that the things I love will try and improve themselves so I don't have to be hard on the things I love. Y'follow? Good. Because this show was not so much a wrestling show, as much as it was a steaming pile of a grown man's hungover, dark-matter, steaming turds. Over the top? Yeah, okay. Still. I didn't even have a "laugh at it because it's so bad!" kinda time. LET'S DO THIS ISH.

- Michael Cole. I'm going to start with this motherfucker this time. I hate his sombre tone (which is such transparent bullshit I can't even), his contact with the "anonymous GM" (which makes the GM such a wiener for having Cole's email that it's so lame, what is this i don't even), I hate how we can see how the email looks to be typed in Microsoft Word, and he doesn't click a single thing when he approaches the podium so we don't even have the slightest illusion that this is real, and he also has his FRICKIN' (YEAH FRICKIN') paper notes with him at the computer to keep us from believing that the email even exists in reality, and I hate how he continues to say "I've just been told, via email" as if email has just been discovered and it's the HOTTEST trend right now, and I hate his stupid glasses and his crappy podium and the fact that I have to hear his voice more than ever now that he relays the GM's messages and comments on NXT and cuts promos on Daniel Bryan oh wait he's fired and I want to punch myself into a mentally challenged state of mind so I can enjoy this show again. The end.

- John Cena's attention span. So quickly he went from being all about the WWE Champioship, because hey, that IS the ultimate goal of any professional wrestler, to... crackin' wise with Sheamus and wanting to team up against Nexus... RIGHT BACK TO WANTING TO BEAT UP SHEAMUS. Normally I am on team John Cena, but tonight, I was on team fun, and John Cena stepped on fun's balls tonight. But I would accept an internet meme of John Cena shouting "my life is being ruined by the internet."

- It's always a little bit wack when the first match starts 20 minutes into the show. And this may not even be a match. Nope. It's not. The Uso's just laid out the Harts. Welp, now it's a half-hour in and we get our first real match, and it's Kozlov vs. Santin-- hey WHAT, wait, no this is a comedy segment!! Suddenly I want to stab the version of myself that thought it was a good idea to tune in tonight.

- Lucky Cannon reminds me of the trans-gendered person from The Real World: Brooklyn. Didn't watch that show like I (the world's biggest loser) did? Here's his a picture:

- Sheamus definitely makes the same noise that Abyss does when he punches, except he's not muffled by a saliva-douched S&M mask.

- The matches prior to the main event. I wish I didn't get on such a WWE high by watching Fatal 4-Way last night, where Evan Bourne and Chris Jericho tore the place a new asshole or twelve. Because the undercard tonight was soooo bogusly boring that I want to tear myself a new asshole or twelve.

- Darren Young can go dildo himself to death.

- David Otunga has shiny helmet hair.

- Y'know what, Darren Young (yeah, I'm coming back to this doucher) is, without hyperbole, my least favourite professional wrestler of all time. He can go DDT himself into a fat man's choda and contract a new disease that is more humiliating than painful, but ultimately kills you.

- Really guys? Replaying the opening montage from the start of the show? This has been a BRUTAL show. And I normally go easy on it. My dick aches for some wrestling. I'd even settle, no, ENJOY some sports entertainment. Or ACTION entertainment! Anything! Something I can drink beer to and laugh at or whatever! Instead I'm getting email alerts and Michael Cole's bullshit. The only solace I can find in this show is that it didn't have Kane yelling "I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERRRRRRR" but at least I now have Smackdown to look forward to. Help me, lord.