WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON WIKIPEDIA: WRESTLEMANIA STOPWATCH

My obsession with WrestleMania continues. I need to turn parental control on for Wikipedia. This is getting out of hand. I guess the benefit of all of this number crunching is that I nearly scored a free DVD on Twitter from WWEUniverse, since the contest-winning trivia question pertained to times at WrestleMania. But some stupid loser snuck in like a second before me! Screw you @thejoeillyesjr!!! What a name that is to curse out loud.

Anyway, the theme this time around is match times. It is even less exciting than it sounds. Good god what have I done with my life.

I'll start with the random facts, then it's on to the top ten shortest and longest matches ever contested at a WrestleMania:

WRESTLEMANIA MATCH TIMES - RANDOM TRIVIA

- Bret Hart is the only man to wrestle in the longest main event match, and the longest opening match in WrestleMania history.

- Bret also boasts the stat for wrestling in the shortest main event match (advertised - stupid Hogan!) and longest main event match in WrestleMania history.

- Shawn Michaels may not win a ton at WrestleMania (6-10), but he sure as hell spends a lot of time in the ring. HBK has been in the longest match on the card for 7 WrestleManias. That is insane.

- Hulk Hogan (stupid Hogan!) is the only man to ever wrestle in the shortest AND longest match at the SAME WrestleMania (IX).

- The longest match on the card is not always the main event. Only 12/25 Manias had a main event that went longer than any other match on the card.

- The Iron Man Match at WrestleMania XII went longer than any other match on the card. Uh, combined. Including the Free For All.

- The shortest match on the card has been a Divas match at 5 WrestleManias.

- No match (main event or otherwise) went longer than 20 minutes at a WrestleMania until the epic Warrior/Hogan showdown at VI.

- Mr. T's two WrestleMania matches were both the longest to take place at both events.

- A Boxing Match has been both the longest and shortest match at a WrestleMania (Mr. T/Piper at WM2 (longest), and Butterbean/Bart Gunn at WMXV (shortest)).

- WrestleMania 13 holds the record for the longest shortest match. Yes. That reads right. It took Rocky Maivia 9:45 to defeat The Sultan, and that was the fastest anyone could get the victory on that night.

- HBK may have WON the longest match in WrestleMania history, but out of the top ten longest matches in Mania history, he's LOST four of them.

WRESTLEMANIA'S SHORTEST MATCHES - TOP TEN

1. KANE DEF. CHAVO GUERRERO (00:09) - XXIV [ECW TITLE MATCH]

Photo - WWE.com

2. The Hart Foundation def. The Bolsheviks (00:19) - VI

T3. Rey Mysterio def. JBL (00:21) - XXV [Intercontinental Title Match]

T3. Hulk Hogan def. Yokozuna (00:21) - IX [WWF Title Match]

5. King Kong Bundy def. Special Delivery Jones (00:23) - I

6. The Red Rooster def. Bobby "The Brain" Heenan (00:32) - V

T7. Earthquake def. Adam Bomb (00:32) - X

T7. Butterbean def. Bart Gunn (00:32) - XV [Brawl For All]

9. Legion of Doom def. Power & Glory (00:59) - VII

10. Akebono def. Big Show (1:02) - 21 [Sumo Match]

Honourable Mention: Owen Hart def. Skinner (1:11) - VIII

WRESTLEMANIA'S LONGEST MATCHES - TOP TEN

1. SHAWN MICHAELS DEF. BRET HART (1:01:52) - XII [WWF TITLE IRON MAN MATCH]

2. Triple H def. The Rock, Mick Foley, Big Show (36:28) - 2000 [WWF Title Match]

3. Undertaker def. Shawn Michaels (30:41) - XXV

4. John Cena def. Shawn Michaels (28:20) - 23 [WWE Title Match]

5. Steve Austin def. The Rock (28:06) - X-Seven [WWF Title Match]

6. Kurt Angle def. Shawn Michaels (27:25) - 21

7. Chris Benoit (who) def. Triple H, Shawn Michaels (25:10) - XX [World Heavyweight Title Match]

8. Undertaker def. Edge (23:50) - XXIV [World Heavyweight Title Match]

9. Triple H def. Randy Orton (23:34) - XXV [WWE Title Match]

10. Ultimate Warrior def. Hulk Hogan (22:51) - VI [WWE & Intercontinental Title Match]

Honourable Mention: Shawn Michaels def. Chris Jericho (22:33) - XIX

Not sure what's covered in the WM26 Almanac from WWE Magazine, but I'm clearly a little bonkers for WrestleMania trivia at the moment, so I may need to pick that up.

Or at the very least flip through it at 7-11 for an inappropriate amount of time.

WWE MAGAZINE: A RETROSPECTIVE OF THE AWESOME, THE NOSTALGIC, AND THE HILARIOUS

After a random late-night Q&A tweetfest with WWE Magazine, I started thinking about my favourite and most memorable covers.

I had a subscription when I was 10, so the 96/97 covers all bring instant feelings of nostalgia (which co-exists nicely with our 1997 Odyssey). My most awkward memory has to be hiding a certain issue of WWF RAW Magazine from my parents, because Sunny was pictured inside wearing nothing but a bow. I wore nothing but a boner. TOO FAR.

Anyway, after taking a look back at some past WWE Magazine covers, I've narrowed it down to this: they can range from nostalgic, to completely awesome, to just smack-yourself-in-the-face hilarious. Here we go.

THE NOSTALGIC

1996/97 was a key period for me, and the WWF. Mainly because it RULED. All of these images strike deep in my heart and I can vividly remember cutting pictures out of these magazines and making WWF collages. Yes. I was that nerdy.

I think I mostly remember the ad that was always on the backs of WWF Magazines back in the day, that also featured this picture.

This might be my favourite ever. I remember actually asking my dad who I should cheer for when Bret fights Undertaker, since they were my two favourite wrestlers. What a loser child I was.

I remember finding out that Sid won the title by using a camera at recess the next day. Recess was like the internet.

See you 12 WrestleMania's from now, DEADMAN.

THE AWESOME

There are just some AMAZING covers in the history of this magazine. Some are great visually, others straight up predict the future. A lot of them happen to be WWF RAW Magazine covers, but hey, that's only because that magazine ruled too.

I believe this was the aforementioned Sunny issue.

I just think this is such a cool cover. There's something really striking about it that I can't put my finger on.

Just two badass shots of two badass dudes.

Okay, I hate the Ultimate Warrior now... but when I was 5 he was so cool. And so is this cover.

INTEGRITIES. GENIUS.

American Badass Undertaker like 4 years before it actually happened.

World Champs.

Plus, by special request:

THE HILARIOUS

There were way too many. I had to cut it down.

The traditional shirtless, towelled, champagne-shower totally not gay victory celebration.

Don't know why this makes me laugh.

Surely there was a better picture from this photoshoot that they could've used, as opposed to Bulldog's "who farted" look.

I don't know what to make of the look Bret is giving Razor. But I do know that this cover clearly implies that there's going to be one weird gangbang once the shoot is over.

I don't want to know what Chyna's Secret is... but I fear we all already know. EW.

Just so you know, this picture is from the mid-nineties. Just thought I'd fill you in, because Luger clearly didn't know. He looks like Murphy Brown.

The hot dog has to be the worst sexual innuendo ever. First off, looking at this picture objectively, it's a skeezy dude in a towel and a bow tie, surrounded by women, holding a plate of hot dogs. Even if you accept the sexual innuendo, he'd still be a dude holding a plate of penises.

WHO APPROVED THIS? "Yeah, Hogan looks fine whatever just PRINT IT ALREADY!"

But this has to be my all-time favourite:

Thanks for giving us the internet, Hitman!