RAW IS DVR'D 12/02/13: THE UNDEFINED WWE CHAMPIONSHIP

Weirdly, Alicia Fox's slip-up from however long ago actually makes sense here. Huh.

Hello and welcome to another new format for Raw reviews that I'll be trying out and abandoning in a matter of weeks. I've gone from Like/Dislike to WOO/BOO to Thursday RAW Thursday to closing my eyes and covering my ears for two years and now to RAW IS DVR'D.

I'll be honest. I rarely watch Raw live. Whether I'm busy or I don't want to watch 34 Bowflex commercials, I prefer to record it and watch it later. This can easily lead to fast forwarding the hot garbage and watching only the good stuff, which certainly preserves my sanity, but also coddles me in a bubble where only my favourite wrestlers exist in the WWE and the show is an hour long. Actually that's amazing.

But, when you fast-forward Raw, you can easily miss something unexpectedly great, or at the very least, something accidentally hilarious.

So, I've taken it upon myself to watch the whole thing, all 3 hours plus overrun worth (only as long as two feature length films, a real breeze!), to give you a weekly segment-by-segment guide of what to fast-forward, what to watch, and why.

RAW IS DVR'D

DECEMBER 2ND, 2013

PUNK RESPONDS TO THE SHIELD'S ATTACK: FF

This is a weird one to kick off with. I like The Shield. I like CM Punk. I even have a demented soft spot for Real Hair, Not Wrestling Kane. And I especially have a soft spot for Stephanie McMahon mentioning her Thanksgiving so my brain can picture what that was like (I imagine Vince carves the turkey shirtless while Triple H is too drunk to spit out his "stuffing" jokes. Shane McMahon is holding his head in his hands).

But I am on the fence for this 3-on-1 match. Basically what happened, if you missed it (or are fast-forwarding it like a good reader), Punk comes out and accuses Triple H of sending the Shield out to wrestling-move him to death because he made one snarky comment towards The Authority. This brings Stephanie McMahon out to be all "whaaaaat…. noo waaay u guys" and Punk isn't buying it. Kane then DOOs his way out and plunks Punk in a 3-on-1 handicap match against The Shield at TLC, because somebody decided to put the guy who has at least three kayfabe murders to his credit in charge of making decisions.

Somewhere during all this, Punk challenges Kane, saying something along the lines of "why don't I knock you OUT and if you don't like that I'll knock you OUT and if you're not down with that you can get knocked OUT by me". The Shield were also there for a second but don't attack anybody. See why you should fast-forward this? 

At least it's only one 3-on-1 match. It's not like this PPV is "WWE 3-ON-1 MATCH" haha right? It's TLC. So there's that. Good. Good.

WWE UNIFIED TITLE APP VOTE: FF

Jerry Lawler, talking about the WWE and World Title match at TLC: "We've never seen anything like this before!"

I guess there's never been anything like naming an Undisputed World Championship via mobile app before, okay I'll give you that Jerry. And good job saying your words this time.

#1 CONTENDER'S MATCH FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP - DAMIEN SANDOW V. DOLPH ZIGGLER: WATCH

This match isn't anything special, but it does include:

- Damien Sandow's screams in the ring that sound just like the bad guy from Commando (sorry for the artistic liberties that YouTuber took).

- Big E. Langston's $500 The Rock shirt on commentary (and if you haven't seen his Instagram… SEE HIS INSTAGRAM)

- Sandow doing a second rope moonsault onto his own forehead

- An ad for The Slammy's, which always inserts an image of Owen Hart winning/stealing Slammys in my head (WOO I DID IT AGAIN) with Jerry Lawler quietly backing every hilarious thing he does up on commentary.  Then I remember The Slammys aren't these Slammys anymore and instead they suck and sometimes involve Dennis Miller forgetting wrestler's names. 

Sandow wins with a soft-ass full nelson slam, and I shed a butt-shaking tear for Dolph Ziggler.

ORTON V. CENA STATS: FF

Did You Know that Randy Orton and John Cena have won titles??

BELLAS/NATALYA V. AJ, TAMINA, SUMMER RAE: FF

AJ spends the majority of the match skipping around the ring, gets tagged in and loses, then continues skipping because even she doesn't care about this match.

It's not that I don't like the Divas. In fact, there's been some awesome shit happening since I've been gone. But everything I've seen since I've been back has been the kind of stuff that makes me want to scoop my eyeballs out with a spork. 

Only watch this if you want to hear Natalya's brown note victory cry.

The good news is there is some GOLDEN Summer Rae shit coming up.

The bad news is...

BAD NEWS BARRETT PT. 1: FF? WATCH? I… UH...

I genuinely don't know what to tell you. You kind of need to watch it to see for yourself. This, to me, is on par with the time the Hurricane popped up in a bubble during someone's entrance and said his HILARIOUS (read: not hilarious) catchphrase.

You can tell they're hoping this catches on with people tweeting things and hashtagging #BadNewsBarrett and that is (wait for it) BAD NEWS, BARRETT HAHAAaaaa because it's you're career and life we're talking about.

They really are just throwing anything at Bad News Barrett, aren't they? Part-time barber? Bare knuckle brawler? "Open For Business"? How about we just try and trick people into thinking he's Michael Cole for a second and they'll boo?

I'm surprised they didn't just put him in a big Bear costume, call him Bad News Bear, the Bear Knuckle Brawler who also disapproves of your life choices. They would've been better off getting an actual bear to do this because (ladies and gentlemen I have some obvious #news) Wade Barrett fucking sucks.

ORTON & MADDOX BACKSTAGE: FF

Randy Orton says he's more popular than John Cena, which offends Jerry Lawler to his core.

WWE UNIFIED TITLE APP VOTE: FF

I voted for Lumberjack Match.

DANIEL BRYAN V. ERICK ROWAN + BRAY WYATT PROMO: WATCH

Okay, I'm still figuring out the format for this review, but if I could indicate in any way that you should watch this, this is me doing it. Maybe instead of just "watch" it should be "record to VHS and keep under your pillow", because this was SWEET.

It should come as no surprise that the internet blogger likes the Daniel Bryan match but yes (yes yes) I certainly did. It was everything I want out of my WWE wrestling. A match with a clean finish that makes both guys look like big bearded studs, and then all the wacky (awesome) storyline stuff happens after. This is the kind of thing that happens in the FF Bubble. You lose all the Michael Strahan hip tosses and gain all the American Dragon running corner dropkicks! JOIN ME.

Bray Wyatt appearing on the tron to give orders and monologue the fuck out of Bryan reminded me of the kind of stuff they would do in 1998/99. In a good way. Like it wasn't Ministry Undertaker but it almost was. Scratch that, it was way better.

This has the potential to be awesome though. Even though my dream Daniel Bryan moment involves him kneeing John Cena's brain out of his skull at WrestleMania, if he were to become some kind of sleeper agent at the hands of Bray Wyatt's backwoods voodoo Lion's Den where his fragile anger management mind is deprogrammed and reprogrammed, creating some kind of insane bearded monster that tears people limb from limb, I'm cool with that too.

And I'm glad we have a new group of guys who can do the Undertaker "now ya see me oops where'd i go" lights out trick.

KANE & DANIEL BRYAN BACKSTAGE: WATCH

This could've been so much better, but Kane does tiny YES fingers and gloats about his weird new job to someone who does not care. He also makes a second 3-on-1 match for TLC, and I begin to think Kane is trying to make the 3-on-1 match to him what the Tag TEAM Match, playa is to Teddy Long.

TRUTH & CONSEQUENCES V. TONS OF FUNK: FF

The only Xavier Woods thing you need to see happened on WWE.com, so fast-forward this and watch that. Maybe watch this for Brodus Clay using dismissive "whatever" dinosaur hands as a taunt.

WWE UNIFIED TITLE APP VOTE: FF

The Randy Orton Title and The John Cena Title were not options, surprisingly.

SIN CARA HUNICO V. ALBERTO DEL RIO: WATCH

So, can we just get to the point where anyone can be Sin Cara? Like, next week Rob Van Dam can just come out to point and fall down in Sin Caras gear, with the announcers not batting an eye. Maybe Undertaker can make his return under the Sin Cara mask to get back up to ring speed.

Hunico is a good Sin Cara, especially when the job of Sin Cara is to flawlessly run up the ropes with an eye mask on and the lights turned off. And I liked how they were forced to combine Del Rio's and Sin Cara's ring decoration requests. They need more guys like that. Give a guy a gardener gimmick where he demands the ring be covered in sod. Give Wade Barrett the Bear suit gimmick and have a river he can eat fish out of at ringside.

Oh, Del Rio loses clean to Hunico in the role of Sin Cara here. So… yeah.

CENA/ORTON 2007 FLASHBACK - ORTON PUNT'S CENA'S FATHER: WATCH

This is 100% worthwhile if you want to see John Cena's dad develop CTE.

CENA/RENEE BACKSTAGE PROMO: WATCH

Worth watching for Renee Young and the John Cena Impression Hour.

If you missed it (or are fast-forwarding like a bad reader), Cena talks about the significance of his unification match at TLC, and what it means to carry on the history of the two titles.

Cena then launches into Hogan and Flair impressions, referencing the lineage of the two championships (which technically were combined into the Undisputed WWE Title that Randy Orton holds, but you already knew that). It's hilarious, though, to talk about this in the context of unifying the WWF and WCW World Titles… but pretend that that never happened before. I'd much prefer if his promo went like:

Renee: John, if you become the Undisputed Unified Champion, what's that going to mean to you?

Cena: Undisputed Unified Champion, think about that. Think of the tradition along with the World Heavyweight Championship. Think of the meaning and importance of the WWE Championship. Which one stands taller? That debates been going on for over half a century since 2002 when Triple H was given the World Heavyweight Championship.

Y'know, years ago, if you lived in the South world, you would walk that aisle walk alone in a pit of danger and realize the World Heavyweight Championship meant everything slightly more than the Intercontinental Title and less than the WWE Title.

And if you lived in the North world, you knew exactly what you were gonna do, brother (does John Cena impression) and the WWE Championship meant the most, like it does right now.

People still argue to this day which championship stands taller have come to a universal consensus that the WWE Title stands taller (everyone also decided that standing tall is the most important thing a thing can do).

I say it is time for change. I have been a WWE Champion, I am proud feel indifferent to be a World Heavyweight Champion. But now there is only one WWE global wrestling company that people pay attention to. Only one one big, loud, exciting, crazy WWE Universe group of people that we've hypnotized into liking wrestling and trapped for life that goes north, south, east, west, around the world and back again. 

And I think they deserve one champion me to be the only guy with a title. And to be that champion the only guy that matters, you ask what it would mean to me? Everything.

SHIELD SELFIE PROMO: WATCH

Worth it for Seth Rollins' goofy deliver of  "muay thai nonsense, get outta here!". 

BIG BRHODES V. THE SHIELD: WATCH

Man, you do not need to read six paragraphs on how The Shield and the Brothers Rhodes are great but here they come. Fuck me. There is not even anything particularly life-changing about this match. The Shield have had countless matches like these this past year that are just fun-ass six-man tags. Remember how I said Rowan/Bryan was exactly what I wanted out of my wrestling? SAMESIES OVER HERE.

Big Show is always at his best in matches where there's 6-15 other guys involved that he can chuck around before napping on the apron. He is always at his worst when emoting or pretending to have a concussion or ruining the ends of shows or basically any other time besides the time I just mentioned.

This match gets plenty of time, Goldust working at LIGHT SPEED at 40-whatever years old and a beauty finish. Prior to that, Cody Rhodes makes a case for being the best maskless/brightly lit arena Sin Cara he can be by scaling the ropes and hurling his body onto the Shield on the outside.

CM Punk was also watching backstage, trying to devise a strategy for his 3-on-1 match at TLC. "Hmm… oh I know I just need two other people to help me aw fuck damn it".

The match ends with the announce team yelling NUMBERS NUMBERS NUMBERS, somehow pretending that the numbers weren't 3 and then another 3.

Watching long six-man tags always reminds me of the Camp Cornette vs. HBK/Ahmed/Sid(? - going off the top of my head here) match where a fan storms the ring, trying to break Shawn Michaels out of a Vader bearhug. I don't know why.

CENA/ORTON 2009 FLASHBACK - I QUIT MATCH: WATCH

Worth it for Cena's weird pursed-lipped "…nooo" when asked to quit, and to remind you of super-nude super-bald shaved-cat-era Randy Orton. 

PUNK/RENEE BACKSTAGE PROMO: FF

Someone needs to stop reaching into the John Cena bingo-ball tumbler of promo jokes for CM Punk. "Sing I Feel Pretty For No Reason".

BAD NEWS BARRETT PT. 2: FF

I have some good news and I have some bad news the good news is fuck you and the bad news is suck it.

MIZ/KOFI BACKSTAGE HANDSHAKE: FF

I feel like I've been sucked into a black hole where time doesn't exist and The Miz and Kofi Kingston have been either shaking hands, rejecting each others' handshakes, or deciding whether or not to shake one another's hands for a real eternity.

WWE UNIFIED TITLE APP VOTE: FF

There's not even a joke option for the internet to spam vote.

KOFI & MIZ V. RYBACK & AXEL: FF

LOS MATADORES WWE SHOP SEGMENT: WATCH

If only to remind you of Zack Ryder's depressed sell job of everybody's merch but his a few weeks ago.

CENA/ORTON FLASHBACK: LAST WEEK: FF

No need to watch the reverse of what will happen at the end of tonight's show!

FANDANGO V. MARK HENRY: WATCH

I love me some Rick Ross Mark Henry screaming at Fandango. That should, without question, be some kind of stun move in WWE 2K15.

But EVEN MORESO do I like Henry suggestively dancing towards Summer Rae and earning his first LEGITIMATE Sexual Chocolate chant since Old School RAW. Holy FUCK. Potentially botched finish or not, with those Sexual Chocolate dance moves and Summer Rae's faces of utter terror make this match 100% worth watching.

Forcing the word TWERK into my earholes against my will should be punishable by Mark Henry aggressively hitting on you. I'm looking at you, JBL.

SMACKDOWN REBOUND: FF

Unless if you didn't watch Smackdown, like me. The recap reveals that there was an eating contest and Antonio Cesaro giantly swung Titus O'Neil to the point of barfing on three different people. It also revealed that Zack Ryder's role in the company has plummeted from Guy Trying To Get Noticed to Sad WWE Shop Goatee Guy to Guy Who Cheers On Lower Midcarders In A Holiday Themed Eating Contest. Hoo boy.

REAL AMERICANS V. PRIME TIME PLAYERS: WATCH

I was oddly entertained by a match that revolved around trying to make his opponent throw up. The psychology of Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter calling off the giant swing, but Cesaro looking to the crowd for suggestions was beyond what I thought WWE was capable when it comes to basic wrestling comedy.

Also, the We The People ring jackets are fly as fuck and need to be sold to me by suicidal Zack Ryder on WWEShop.com.

WWE UNIFIED TITLE APP VOTE: FF

can we please just

TRIPLE H & STEPHANIE WALK BACKSTAGE: FF

get to the

JERRY LAWLER REVEALS VOTE RESULTS: FF

oh okay here we go

TLC CONTRACT SIGNING: WATCH

Quick aside: on the way to the ring you can see Triple H admire the ladders set up in the aisle and mouth "big ladders" to himself. This made me laugh and I don't know why.

John Cena and Randy Orton is something nobody wants to see, so I've read. These guys have been the collective Face Of The WWE for the length of Stone Cold Steve Austin's WWE run, basically, and everyone is pretty sick of shitty Superman and boring Batman winning everything and fighting each other. I get that.

But they did a surprisingly decent job of making this feel important. Even with all of John Cena's "hey I ain't the face of nothing JACK I'm just John Cena JACK and I show up first, leave last and JACK JACK JACK" they still did a good job of doing the contract signing thing. Whether you think that contract signings are devoid of logic/played out/whatever, then that's up to you (and I probably agree).

This ends with the tried, tested and expected "preview" of the PPV they're promoting, with Cena putting Orton through tables and standing tall (the most important thing a thing can do) at the end of the show. 

It'd be pretty funny to freeze someone in time at the very moment Daniel Bryan beat John Cena at SummerSlam for the WWE Title, and then unfreeze them for the end of this show, with Cena cheering and posing over Randy Orton with both World Titles over his head. That person would probably go into some kind of sick (sick bro!) Zack Ryder tailspin of depression and Just For Men Spray On Goatee addiction. 

WELP, that does it for my first (and probably last, given my god awful track record!) RAW IS DVR'D. Tell me what you thought, follow my once-again active Twitter, and see you (probably not) (don't count on me) next week.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VII: ADRIAN'S REVENGE

Uh. Hi.

So I've been gone a long time. Like a long time. Like left for WCW and a fat guy dressed as "Fake Pizzabodyslam" came out and you were like "wtf that's not the real pizzabodyslam, he's in wcw now wrestling under his real name, Grib Tendleman" long.

I've been gone for 683 days. TWO YEARS BASICALLY. I've missed like 87% of a 434 day CM Punk WWE Title run. I've missed the entire undefeated streak, and DEBUT for that matter, of The Shield. I've missed a Once In A Lifetime match and it happened TWICE. I'VE BEEN GONE FOR TWO LIFETIMES. 

Truthfully, I've only really been gone for a few months. I've been mostly keeping up over the past two years, but I legitimately missed a chunk of time when things got too busy. In fact, I've basically seen everything (here and there) right up until SummerSlam of this year.

Actually, I watched SummerSlam too. Well, most of it. I saw the whole thing but paused it right after Daniel Bryan beat John Cena for the WWE Championship. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't see, so I just called it a night. That show was perfect from top to bottom (well, almost bottom - still gotta finish it! haha but what could happen in like ninety seconds).

BUT, now that I'm back, I can start catching up! Alright, let me get settled here and bring up the DVR. Not sure why I feel the need to watch the very end of SummerSlam... I guess that little WWE copyright thing gives me comfort. Anyway, here we go, time to unpause and watch Daniel Bryan's uninterrupted title celebration of pure catharsis!

...

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

... is this the darkest timeline?

Sidenote: before I dive into this, I should point out that this won't be a typical SIBG post. I've had seven of these suckers now, and normally I talk about all the things I missed whilst neglecting this place. Because there's two lifetimes worth of dub dubby e I need to recap, I'll probably split it up into a few posts, to ensure my first post back doesn't gas me by being 90,000 paragraphs on Total Divas and then I disappear for a Shawn Michaels amount of time.

I don't know if I have much to say on the ending to SummerSlam. In fact, when it happened, of the two camps (the first being the WHAT THE FUCK FUCK YOU TRIPLE H I HATE YOU FOR REAL NOT AS A HEEL THOUGH FUCK RANDY ORTON'S STUPID SHINY BODY camp and the second being the Wait And See Where It Goes™, Brandon Stroud) I fell into the latter.

I so badly wanted to see Bryan have his untouched, unH'd moment of beating John Cena squeaky-ass clean in the middle of the ring. The fact that you can type the sentence "Bryan Danielson beat John Cena clean in the SummerSlam main event for the WWE Championship" and you're not the booker of a "real guys only" e-fed is fucking nuts.

BUT, I thought this was all going to lead to an even bigger moment. Because while I do feel that WWE has ruined basically every guy's "first" WWE Championship moment (the moments that made Shawn Michaels and Stone Cold and so on), by having Money In The Bank or two World Titles and chucking the belt on guys super early, it's the reality of the world (wrestling entertainment) we live in.

So while the SummerSlam moment was tarnished by the taint of Triple H forcing the back of Bryan's head into the mat, I've been solemnly praying to the non-JBL wrestling gods (are you there wrestling god, it's me, pizzabodyslam from internet), that we'll get our sweet, sweet WrestleMania payoff for Daniel Bryan.

That said, it was definitely a shock to my system to watch SummerSlam and then miss almost three straight months of wrestling, and then jump back in at Survivor Series. Seeing Punk and Bryan relegated back to the midcard after putting on arguably two of the best matches of the year on the same night, gave my wrestling boner a sad. And that Orton/Big Show main event? WOOF. Not to mention the next night on Raw featured a guest host, Orton/Cena angles and the commentary team screaming TWERK at nobody or nothing - it was like 2009 gave me a Bronco Buster.

But it all makes sense in my delusional stupid brain (not the bronco buster part). Having Bryan chase the title from SummerSlam all the way to WrestleMania would be brutal, if the goal is to have him finally take it back on the big stage. How rough are three consecutive screwy PPV finishes where he's H'd out of the belt? Imagine like SEVEN or whatever it would've been.

I don't know what will happen. Bryan wins the Rumble, Punk and Bryan both win the Rumble, Goldberg comes back to spear Bryan and hug Triple H, WrestleMania ends with Triple H STANDING TALL holding the unified WWE Title (and all of our collective nutsacks), I DON'T KNOW. But my stupid 11 year old wrestling fan heart is fluttering around thanks to my stupid 11 year old wrestling fan brain convincing me that one of those moments that happens once every few years that is so good it makes up for the relentless soul destroying shit we put up with is just around the corner.

Check back here around April and I'll either be gleefully typing more run on sentences in all caps about SummerSlam being worth it, or I'll have transformed into a real life Bray Wyatt, rocking in my rocking chair, my psyche finally obliterated by the stranglehold WWE has on me.

they been lyin' to you maaaaannnnnn

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12: WHERE EVERYONE SAYS "MY BAD"

Thursday Raw Thursday comes to you every (wait for it) Thursday via Fair To Flair in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was killed by that murderous, scary, serial killing wrestler guy Kane John Cena.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12

WOO!

ANGRY WRESTLERS SPEAKING ANGRILY TO EACH OTHER

It’s weird that I have to applaud that (angry, reluctant applause), but when today’s wrestlers usually speak to each other in some combination of winks and punchlines and G-rated filth, anger is suddenly refreshing.

This past Monday, Raw was bookended by two segments based around two people being angry with each other. There’s two key parts to that sentence: the angry part, and the with each other part.

The “angry” part is refreshing because we live in a world where John Cena can’t stop talking about underwear when Kane is trying to for real murder him. So when Dolph Ziggler rips Mick Foley a new place to hide his sock, or when CM Punk takes a page out of Big Johnny’s book and tells him to shut his mouth just like Eve should (show some goddamned respect, Eve), well, my pro wrestling boner grew three sizes that day.

The “with each other” part is refreshing because we live in a world where every wrestler is hyper aware of the people watching the show. It’s come to a point where John Cena has literally walked out to the ring to stand there and hold the microphone out to the audience as a promo. So when these four guys are all angry with each other over an issue that isn’t based entirely on how much “we people” like or hate John Cena, or how John Laurinaitis is or isn’t Mr. Exciting to “us people,” my pro wrestling boner grows three sizes more.

Now, I don’t want things to get carried away with anger and have everyone screaming and stabbing each other like in TNA (I haven’t watched TNA in a long time, okay [ed. note: this is still how it is over there]) because that would totally devalue what happened on Monday. But if we could dial back the self-awareness and the unfunny comedy, I think everyone would benefit.

Alternatively, we could just run rapid-fire replays of John Laurinaitis telling Eve to shut her mouth and I could giggle myself to sleep every week because that was so fucking funny.

BIG JOHNNY STUDD

In addition to being this close to telling Eve to shut her fucking mouth, Johnny Ace also launched into what I was hoping would slowly turn into a Will Ferrell “I drive a Dodge Stratus!!” dinner table speech. He just kept getting more and more frustrated with how he was being bullied, I felt like it had to end with “YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY! I CAN DO 100 PUSH-UPS IN TWENTY MINUTES! BIG TIME STUFF”

Also, The Squared Circle wrote a nice paragraph on why Big Johnny is so easy to hate (when you’re not choking on your own laughter at the things he says):

"I love to hate Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim RAW General Manager John Lauranitis. Just that whole fuckin’ title. It gets heat like a furnace.

I think he’s a better evil boss than Mr. McMahon, because Vince is so transparently Evil and Johnny Ace is a much more recognizable form of evil everybody has seen in a shitty boss before, the evil of incompetence. You can’t tell if he’s trying to fuck you over on purpose, or if shit just keeps rolling downhill, and there he is on his fuckin’ BlackBerry again, what a motherfucker."

And it’s true. Despite all of his Eve-silencing comedy, it’s not hard to get behind CM Punk when he’s calling him a douchebag. He even stumbles over his words (I swear he almost called Punk CP Munk), and while I don’t think that’s intentional, it seems to at least give Punk’s shots at his charisma a leg to stand on.

DANIEL BRYAN APPRECIATES AJ

I love seeing the wheels spinning in Daniel Bryan’s head as he grows as a heel.

When AJ says “I love you” and he says “how much” you can see a little thought bubble pop above his head with a clip of Big Show running her over and ending the match playing inside of it. When Big Show actually does run her over, you can see the gears turning in Bryan’s head until he finally realizes how he can use this against Big Show and then he makes him fucking cry.

He. Made. The Big Show. Cry.

The best part of this is that Daniel Bryan essentially showed up on Raw to tell a live television audience that the Big Show is an unapologetic, crying, blithering idiot. That makes him my favourite person. To be fair, he already was.

I just realized that last week I made a joke about Big Show looking like a camouflage fake penis, and then this week Big Show started crying (you know, out of the tip of his face, his eyes), which means Big Show is pretty much forcing me to make a semen joke I don’t want to make.

SECOND FUNKASAURUS VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST

Okay, it’s the same match twice, but it’s still funny as shit to watch.

I think it might get better and more fun if it keeps happening this EXACT way. Same moves, same catchphrases, same timing, same jobber opponent making “what the actual fuck” faces at the camera, same everything. It’d be like the shortest cult movie ever where people go to the theatre and shout out punchlines and sing along to the songs, except everyone would be shouting “SHEEPLEX” and answering “YEAH” in a sassy voice to “SHOULD I… GET HEE-YIM?”.

What’s even better about this is that he’s had three matches as the Funkasaurus, and with the dance routine, the booty shake, the opponent feel-up, the big headbutt, the SHEEPLEX, the avalanche in the corner and the “Aw, Funk It!” he’s already got more moves than Diesel (and that’s including the hair flip).

CHRIS JERICHO, MR. SPARKLE

It looks like the ‘Quiet-ollah of Rock and Trolla’ (I tried, and therefore no one can criticize me) is on board with my “Every WWE Heel Needs A Non-Verbal Catchphrase Initiative,” which I started last week. Crying invisible tears would’ve been a good one, but Big Show already aped that, so he went with turning off the lights of whatever room he’s in and illuminating his Flyerman jacket.

I wonder when the cheers will fully stop, and how he’ll keep them that way. Don’t think for a second, no matter how hard he trolls people, that the crowd won’t go apeshit if he wins the Rumble.

Speaking of the Rumble, I’d love it if one of two things happened:

1. Jericho enters at number one and manages to never actually enter the ring or the Rumble by continuously milking a crowd reaction for the duration of the match. It would be a social experiment so see how many times over the course of an hour people would cheer, start booing, then slowly start to laugh, then cheer again, then start booing again, etc.

2. Jericho enters the Rumble, lasts ‘til the end with one other jobber like Tyler Reks or someone, then eliminates himself so people have to deal with Tyler Reks winning the Royal Rumble. No one could cheer that.

Honourable Mention: Tag Team Match, Play— URRRGHHHHAAGGH NO! NO!!! I CAN CHANGE!!!

Teddy Long did the unthinkable. He saw four guys in a ring, in conflict with one another, came out, and didn’t make a tag team match. In therapy this is called a “breakthrough”.

I can’t stop picturing Teddy Long watching Sheamus, The Miz, R-Truth and Wade Barrett all fight in the ring, vibrating in place at the thought of a tag team match. Part of me wishes that after he announced the Over The Top Rope Battle Royal, he went “just kidding, tag team match playa!”

Honourable Honourable Mention: This Teddy Long “Tag Team Match Dubstep Lolz” video that for some reason I laughed at.

Honourable Honourable Honourable Mention: Dolph Ziggler referencing John Cena’s hilariously awkward run from last week.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12

BOO!

JOHN CENA MIGHT BE A SOCIOPATH

I understand that this whole thing was supposed to be John Cena “embracing hate,” but it sure as shit was the weirdest thing to embrace hate over.

He’s just a sociopath. Kane tries to murder him and the next week he comes out to wish everyone a Happy New Year and make underwear jokes. Zack Ryder loses a match and John Cena attempts to FUCKING KILL Jack Swagger while everyone screams STOP STOP HE’S ALREADY DEAD.

What’s also weird is how he referenced Johnny Ace’s “my bad” when confronting him backstage, which means he was watching Zack Ryder’s backstage promo. NO OTHER WRESTLER seems to watch these backstage segments, but no, John Cena is somewhere backstage, eyes glued to the monitor as Zack Ryder is being tended to by doctors. I don’t know why I find that so weird. Everyone else is off preparing for matches while John Cena has his thumb up his butt watching the show he’s on.

Point is, John Cena is a crazier crazy person than Kane, who is still pretty crazy, because he did his “ringpost pyro taunt” from backstage to a camera, as if that’s what actually sets off his fireworks.

All of this stuff is in the BOO section, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I liked it at least a little bit for how goddamn funny it is.

CM PUNK CAN DO BOTH FUNNY AND SERIOUS!

Brandon Stroud of the Best and Worst of Raw tackled the shit out of this already. He made great points about Punk’s awkward jabs at Ziggler, and I was certainly caught off-guard by his “hiding behind a woman, and a poor excuse of a woman” comment towards Vickie Guerrero, but somehow I’m more offended by his unfunny comedy.

Coming out and saying things like “turd in a punch bowl” and making fun of a guy’s spray tan and highlights reeks of so much John Cena that he was one Shouty Preacher Voice away from evolving into him. John Cena’s “funny voice / serious voice” on-off switch doesn’t work for him, so it’d be sweet if no one else, especially CM fucking Punk, would give it a shot ever again.

ZACK RYDER HAS FIGHTING SPIRIT

Remember two years ago when Jack Swagger won the World Heavyweight Title by beating Chris Jericho (with injured ribs) using one Gutwrench Powerbomb? How the hell am I then supposed to believe that Swagger needs THREE of those to beat Zack Ryder (with Kane-injured ribs [BBQ ribs?]) for the US Title?

This is nit-picking, but it was just a bit odd to see him kick-out TWICE when his ribs are injured, and it’s a totally acceptable loss if he were to just take it once and get pinned. If Ryder can kick-out of finishers like that, let’s line him up against Undertaker this year at Mania.

PEREZ/PARIS HILTON

Whichever one the announcers want to go with, I guess.

Anyway, nothing needs to be even said about this, nor does any penis or cocaine need to be drawn on a picture about this. It was more than uncomfortable watching him sell a Bella shove like someone yanked a rug out from underneath him. It was a bad idea from the second they announced it, all the way through to when it was over. It went exactly as we expected, ninety seconds of plugging his website, a roll-up finish, everyone booed.

Now we can all go back to having that exact same match without him next week, and he can go back to, I don’t know, mashing the exclamation point key?

Honourable Mention: Evan Bourne’s second wellness strike.

Okay, I’m not going to say much here. Everyone’s piped in and gone “lol dumb” or whatever enough. I might take some flack for this, but here goes.

I agree. It is dumb. He probably should’ve had his shit together knowing he’d be tested again. My problem is more with the reaction it got online. Sure, everyone was correct that he was stupid for getting busted (probably for pot or fake pot or whatever, although I don’t think it was ever actually said what it was). But it’s also not exactly flattering to see your timeline fill up in seconds with people leaping at the chance to point and laugh at a guy, who’s done nothing but hurt his own future.

I feel like I can’t really say that and come off like my hands are clean or whatever, considering how much fun I’ve made of Matt Hardy in the past or whoever, so I know I’m no different, so all I’m going to say, in this run-on sentence, is for whatever reason, to see the news break and how everyone immediately reacted, it irked me, and now I’ll move on, enough preaching, especially since I’ll probably ruin it within the week by pointing and laughing at Matt Hardy or something.

And, even I can’t deny that this was funny. So there.

Edited by K. Sawyer Paul

THE DEBUT OF THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY: 01/09/12

I’ve come to realize that my reviews, if one even gets done, get done late. So, I’ve decided to brand my own tardiness! Every Thursday you can find my review of Raw here, and over at Fair To Flair. If you haven’t seen the Thursday Raw Thursday, please watch this video so whenever you read “Thursday Raw Thursday” in this or any future post, you can say “Thursday Raw Thursday” in your head in that weird stilted phrasing, like I always do.

Thursday Raw Thursday comes to you in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” is still changing a tire at the American Bank Center Arena in Corpus Christi.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY REVIEW 01/09/12

WOO!

THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE (MAYBE NOT, BUT LET’S RUN TO OUR RENTAL CAR ANYWAY)

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been gone ever since Kane returned and forcibly caved John Cena’s mouth in on itself. But now, like Kane, I’ve been resurrected (I guess you can be resurrected if Mark Henry sits on your leg and you take ‘er easy for a while), and I too am wearing a big silver Vega mask.

I’ve already missed some instant Kane classics in the time I’ve been gone. Such as Kane Hadokening John Cena. Or when he stood around trying to get a “Cena Sucks” chant going, but mostly failed and had to just sit there idly twiddling his yarn pants (I wish he started it with a falsetto “let’s go Cena!”). Even last week’s promo from backstage (I hope he was in full gear with a microphone just sitting there poking at the lights and pyro board trying to spook Cena) had me in stitches (like his yarn pants).

And now he’s claiming he almost brought Zack Ryder to “hell” with him (hopefully the same “hell” that Edge was in and later made fun of).

But nothing was funnier than watching Zack Ryder change a tire while Eve squirmed in the passenger’s seat for like three commercial breaks. There was absolutely no logic or voice of reason in this segment (which I’ll get to), and I died laughing, much like Zack Ryder presumably died when he was chokeslammed onto a grocery skid, and like John Cena died when Kane suffocated him with the cup your hand around your fart and make someone smell it move.

BIG JOHNNY VS. LITTLE JIMMY

In an instance of perfect timing, R-Truth stops being funny just when BIG JOHNNY steps up to the plate, texting and quipping like a boss Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw. Even Jerry Lawler was casually calling him “Big Johnny” by the end of the night - that shit STUCK.

More importantly, I’d like it if every heel could have a non-verbal catchphrase. Kind of like when you play Sonic the Hedgehog, and if you do nothing for long enough he’ll start tapping his foot, but if you were playing David Otunga the Hedgehog, he’d whip out a hot beverage thermal mug and take a swig. This would all build to one show where they could do one of their “DAMN” backstage sketches that would actually be funny, where Johnny Ace texts, Otunga slurps, Del Rio winks, maybe Swagger gets his facial twitch back and Jinder Mahal pets a cat or something.

DANIEL BRYAN IS MICHAEL COLE

He is.

It’s both alarming and amazing, but he is. At first he was just a douche, and I hate Big Show so he’s a douche to me, so it was two douches feuding for a week or two, so that sucked for me. But now, it’s better (except for Big Show, who I still hate, and will get to later).

It’s a bit odd that DB’s celebrating exactly like Michael Cole would (endless shouting of YES YES YES YES [he may as well be saying WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER]). I’m bracing myself for Big Show eventually squashing Danielson and Michael Cole standing up and going “YES YES YES SEE HE IS A NERD WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER” and farting on his head.

But for now, I can enjoy the slow potential return of “I have ‘til five, referee” Bryan Danielson heel World Champion.

HAS BRODUS CLAY DEBUTED YET?

So now we know why he took so long to debut. He had to come all the way from Planet Funk.

WHAT. THE. (RESISTING THE URGE TO SAY FUNK) FUCK. I’ve only watched this segment once, so it’s still spinning around my brain like a fever dream. I once had this dream when I was ten where I was Owen Hart and I was wrestling the Ultimate Warrior, but then I looked up and saw Vader climbing the seats in the crowd like King Kong scaling a skyscraper, but his red singlet was all sparkly and he was wearing all kinds of gaudy gold jewellery. It’s stuck with me forever. Now I know why.

I don’t want to ruin this already for myself by saying this is something that will probably get less and less fun as it goes on, so I’m just going to say that I laughed for the entire duration of that match, and hope to do so in the future.

BONUS WOO: “Should I get ‘im?!!??!”

PUNK VS. SWAGGER, ZOLPH ZIGGLER, PREMATURE JACK DOAN

Okay, a lot of names to get to. I’ll get Zolph out of the way first, because John Laurinaitis flubbing his name made me bust a gut.

CM Punk has finally made it back to where he should be. No more weird Triple H and Kevin Nash heart-breaking, no more goofy John Cena forced humour, he’s just the WWE Champion and wrestling in the best match of the night, each night.

It’s so much more simple now. He has legitimate beef with John Laurinaitis for his constant “good intentions” interference in Punk’s affairs, and everything else seems to fall into place nicely. Nothing is too convoluted, it’s simple enough, and Punk is more than good enough to make simple good.

Punk vs. Swagger was great, and somehow made even more great with Jack Doan’s premature “1… 2… 3! WHOOPS SORRY FUCK”. The announcers replaying it and treating it as something that actually happened instead of ignoring it like they usually would made things feel that much more real, even if it was a mistake. It’s something that makes you look up from your laptop or put a stop to the conversation in the room (who am I kidding, we’re all on our laptops, NERDS! TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER) and pay attention because the wrestling program has stopped continuing on as a normal wrestling program would.

Honourable Mention: Chris Jericho

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You can’t see me right now, but I’m crying.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY REVIEW: 01/09/12

BOO!

BUT SERIOUSLY, KANE (AND ZACK RYDER AND EVE)

WOW. Okay, Razor handled this whole “horror movie” storyline in his Raw review (he also handled “Raw” in his Raw review, so I’m here to just, y’know, beat that dead Funkhorse!) but I do have a few things to say about the logistics of this.

On the one hand, Eve running out of the ring, out of the building, into a car and attempting to get away is AMAZING. It’s what you (maybe just me) always want a wrestler to do (or at least just calmly walk away) whenever The Undertaker starts slowly making his way to the ring to standing 69 him. Just walk away. Theme music is not paralyzing.

On the other hand, once she and Ryder made it to the rental car and spent forty minutes replacing the wiper fluid, shouldn’t one of them have gone “oh, he’s not coming, let’s just go” and leave? I’m still not sure what they expected from driving back to their hotel when they’ll just be seeing Kane at the next live event anyway, where he’s free to palm their mouths as much as he so pleases.

But when Eve was standing in the ring all giddy, primed and ready to air-hump, and then Kane’s music hit and she instantly took a knee and shit herself, I shit MYSELF laughing (seriously, best reaction to Kane since John Cena’s scared face from two weeks ago).

There’s still no proof that Kane was ever coming out. He could’ve been in the washroom watching Superstar after Superstar brush their teeth while the light and pry guy was like “whoops, hit the Kane button” and all of a sudden Eve and Zack are bookin’ it for the parking lot before he can hit pause.

This has to be the biggest and most hilarious overreaction in wrestling history. I kind of wish it was taken even further. Maybe next week Zack can shoot Kane with a real gun because he’s still overreacting.

At the very least someone should follow Eve around playing Kane’s music until she has a nervous breakdown.

A NEVER ENDING LACK OF LOGIC

I don’t want anyone to think this bothered me that much, but sometimes the way this show is shot is dumb. I understand that this is a television show and it’s fake, I just hate when things happen to remind everyone it’s fake.

Like the camera panning to a closed door, seemingly for no reason, after Zack Ryder makes idle threats about Kane, and then the door creaks open and out pops Kane’s head. Or when the cameras cut to Zack Ryder CHANGING A TIRE during the main event. Why is this important, unless, yep, here comes Kane to MURDER — NOPE — CHOKESLAM him? The only other noteworthy reason to cut to Zack Ryder changing a tire during the main event is to go, “haha, ho man he’s still changing that tire, okay carry on”.

A GOOD R-TRUTH

It’s subtle, but allow me to illustrate the differences between A Bad R-Truth and A GoooOoOoOoOoooD R-Truth:

A Bad R-Truth: Requires water.

A Good R-Truth: Is still trying to get an open water bottle over as a believable weapon.

A Bad R-Truth: Punctuates his crazy actions with goggly eyes.

A Good R-Truth: Punctuates his crazy actions with a wink and a smile.

A Bad R-Truth: Hates Little Jimmy.

A Good R-Truth: Wants Little Jimmy to wish The Miz a Happy New Year.

A Bad R-Truth: Is funny.

A Good R-Truth: Is not funny.

FELLLLAAAAAAAA

I laoch Sheamus. In fact, his DUSH DUSH DUSH DUSH DUSH style of wrestling has somehow caught on with me. I like how he makes the same noise when he hits someone as when he’s being hit. But when he walks out on the ramp and yells “FELLLLAAAAAA” instead of “LAOCH”, I laoch him a little less.

It just doesn’t really make sense. Sure, Sheamus, I realize you like saying “fella” a lot, which is cool, but would it make sense for me to walk out on the ramp and go “DUUUUUUUDE”? At least laoch sounds like something you would scream to get psyched up because you’re Irish and that’s an Irish word meaning “powerbomb” or whatever and I can run with that. Screaming “fella” directed at no one in particular is a weird battle cry, so stop doing it. But please continue kicking Jinder Mahal in the face because fuck that guy.

BIG SHOW IS ACCIDENTALLY MORE OBNOXIOUS THAN THE GUY TRYING TO BE OBNOXIOUS

No matter how hard Daniel Bryan tries to be an annoying doucher, Big Show always manages to one up him. What’s worse: Bryan celebrating after winning a match in two minutes, or Big Show interrupting said celebration to come out WITH FIREWORKS, cheering and pointing like he’s at some National Cheerleading Final, slapping hands with everyone, going “OH YEAGGHHH”, putting his toque on a soldier, to only get in the ring and go “now, about last week”.

Are you really THAT PUMPED UP to talk about last week? I hate when Big Show is like this. I hate his Kevin Nash Just For Men: Beard beard. I hate how no matter how many times Daniel Bryan takes him to the limit, every time a new rematch is announced, Big Show is all “HAHA YEAH WHATEVER UR DEAD”.

P.S. Stop dressing like a camouflage dildo.

Honourable Mention: Wait, I forgot the most important part - TWITTER!

I understand that the WWE is really proud of it’s social media accomplishments. I get that they are pushing Twitter on their TV shows and what have you. But I can’t handle one more WWE Superstar or announcer saying to another WWE Superstar or announcer “sure, you may have [done something actually important like win a title or match] and you may be [concerned with something actually important like your current storyline], but who cares?! YOU ARE [TRENDING ON TWITTER / FOLLOWED BY MORE PEOPLE THAN SOMEONE / TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER]

On that note, here’s the end of my review where I tell you to follow me on Twitter.

I AM WEARING A T-SHIRT OF THE UNDERTAKER RIDING A HORSE

And I can't think of a title for this blog.

Since I haven't said or done anything in a while, I'm going to be live-tweeting tonight's pay-per-view, WWE: TLC (which stands for tables, ladders and chairs - or, as my girlfriend hilariously thought, tape, ladders and chairs. To be fair, they might as well throw tape in there. Or any home renovation item, now that they've combined sledgehammers and ladders. Add tape. Maybe a sabre saw. Maybe toss Triple H a softball and include some caulk).

I am most excited for three things tonight:

1. Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T

Cody Rhodes' maniacal laugh is the most accidentally infectious laugh since that time there was a gas leak in the hallway. His laugh is exactly as funny as Tony Atlas' DURHURHUR laugh at David Otunga was unfunny. I love Cody Rhodes. And I love Booker T excitedly ploughing through the English language to try and explain whether his issue with Cody Rhodes is personal or not. I hope this somehow leads to a Goldust/Cody match at WrestleMania, but if it only leads to Cody Rhodes saying he's coming for Booker T, nigga, than that's okay too.

2. Big Show vs. Mark Henry

I am mentally bracing myself for several minutes of ankle holding and hilarious Big Show selling. I'm curious if Daniel Bryan will get involved, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I will hold my breath until I fall off my couch and hit my head on my coffee table if Big Show wins though. Hopefully I can revive myself soon enough for the Smackdown where he would inevitably come out like the world's largest male cheerleader, whooping and doing his big annoying rain-dance with the title. I hate "fired-up so happy to be here C'MON YEAH" Big Show.

3. Kevin Nash vs. Triple H

Ho man. If this isn't filled to the brim with crazy method-acting Triple H, and tons of Kevin Nash heavy-breathing ladder-climbing, this'll be the last Tape Ladders and Chairs I ever order. This has so much potential because the match makes no sense. It's a ladder match, so it's no disqualification. Climb the ladder to get the sledgehammer, and then you can use it. Why not just bring another sledgehammer to the ring? Why not fucking sabre saw Triple H to death? Why would you even risk climbing that stupid ladder, either of you, given the history of your tissue-paper quads?! Just each of you push a shopping cart of sledgehammers to the ring and start sword-fighting.

Anyway, I'm excited to take in what surely has to be the oldest ladder match ever.

I'm also looking forward to Punk/ADR/Miz, but more for the spectacle of it all than the actual match, if that makes any sense.

Before I go, a couple things (starting a new list of things here):

1. Go play Razor (of Fair To Flair and Kick-Out!! fame)'s WWE 12 story - Zack Ryder vs. The U.S. I just started, and it's been fun as heck so far (already one Community reference!).

2. The third Fair To Flair Quarterly is coming out soon, and it'll be a "best of" 2011. I went through all of my Raw reviews from this year and picked out my favourite parts for the issue. I was tempted to include the truly hilarious things I said in previous reviews, such as "Alex Riley has some serious fire" and "Dolph Ziggler's new haircut will benefit him in the long run" (both ACTUAL THINGS I said [sheeeee]) but decided to keep that horrible shame to myself.

3. LASTLY, and maybe most importantly, I have to give a super belated shout-out to Andrew Johnson of The John Report. His Headlines are always really funny and entertaining, and his articles are on my list of wrestling sites to visit daily. Earlier this year he also wrote an awesome Night of Champions Best/Worst at With Leather in place of Brandon Stroud, which was hilarious, especially given the shoes he had to fill there.

He's also been saying way too nice things about me for a while now, so thanks for that, feller. Follow this man on Twitter.

Speaking of Twitter, join me on Twitter (@pizzabodyslam) (TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER) for all of my live-tweets (TWITTER TWITTER), which I'll be doing shirtless and glistening whilst taking deliberate sips from a hot beverage thermal mug. JOIN ME.

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