Wednesday, January 19, 2011
LATE NIGHT REBLOG: FEAT. "WE WATCH WRESTLING" TUMBLR
The latest addition to the sidebar is yet another fantastic pro wrestling Tumblr, this one simply called "We Watch Wrestling." Mike, the main contributor to the site I believe, has all kinds of wrestling photos up, all intended to celebrate the great sport of fake fighting. Want a picture of Batista and Masahiro Chono? Got it. Maybe a shot of Adam Pierce with long hair? It's yours. How about the funniest fucking picture of the Four Horsemen in Four Horsemen sweaters? LOOK NO FURTHER.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
01/17/11 RAW REVIEW: "ANYONE CAN KISS THE PRETTY ONES"
But can just anyone FUCK the "ugly" ones (hint: no, only complete sluts like the Bellas can)?! Well, beloved reader, that's exactly what we're asked to watch and find out every week on RAW now! Because the Bella Twins have started a perverted bet to see who can devirginize the American Dragon. The winner gets... I don't know, a baby? Condoms are for sinners, remember that kids.
01/17/11 RAW REVIEW
LIKE: PUNK VS. CENA
DISLIKE: CENA'S POOP JOKES
Photo - WWE.com
I still don't fully understand why they're doing this (no one should, except for maybe the giggling USA execs who apparently spearheaded this thing - "tee hee, he's a virgin!"). I just don't want him to be stuck with this virgin moniker forever like he's Rhett fucking Titus (who I like, but probably shouldn't be the WWE United States Champion in 2011). And why do an angle where two pervy twins try and be the first one to get fucked by a virgin when it's PG?! JOHN CENA SAID IT HIMSELF IT'S PG. It's so goddamn awkward. I feel like this is all going to end in an uncomfortable hotel room vignette where Bryan is the Dean Malenko in a bathrobe and Nikki and Brie are the Lita in the high-waisted thongs.
Anyway, I guess the only good thing (and I stress, the only good thing) that we can take from this newly launched angle is that there is an end in sight. At some point, this hopeless angle has to come to an end one way or another. Let's just all pray to the wrestling gods that it doesn't end with the Daniel Bryan character neutered for good (which, in all likelihood, it will).
So let's all just wipe this angle from our memory and try and focus on the good wrestling that this show had. It also had a Divas match.
LIKE
CM Punk VS. John Cena - Right before the match started, my girlfriend (who doesn't watch wrestling, but is up on a few current feuds since all I do is watch talk about write about wrestling all day every day forever and ever) said, "shouldn't they save this until later?" - implying, very profoundly for someone who has never watched wrestling before we started dating, that people would be more willing to pay for/excited to see this match had they built to it a while from now. That's my girl.
But, you can't take away the fact that they put on a stellar TV match that put both guys over as being equals. When Punk had Cena in the Anaconda Vice until he reached the ropes, it was sold to the moon that Punk can beat Cena on his own. Likewise, Cena had Punk in control for much of the start of the match, as well as right up until Mason Ryan made his presence known, which I'll get to in a sec.
DISLIKE
John Cena's poop jokes. The show kicked off with a Martin Luther King, Jr. video to celebrate MLK Day in America. Out came John Cena to make poop jokes. I know the two weren't supposed to be connected at all, but given that John Cena is known for preacher-voiced, over-the-top, THIS IS ALL I GOT inspiring promos... to have him come out and just say poop and Jonas Brothers a million times was some bizarre juxtaposition.
Cena himself said "it's PG guys, I'm doing the best I can." But, actually, if it was TV-14 again I believe the poop jokes would just be replaced by gay jokes, so maybe I should quit complaining. At least he came up with a better insult than "CM Sucks" - CM Poke! ...
LIKE
John Morrison VS. Daniel Bryan was a fantastic match, featuring a series of roll-ups and counters that I would've popped for no matter where this match was held - WWE, ROH, Indies, a campsite, wherever. The outcome was pretty obvious given each guy's recent treatment on TV (Morrison = video packages, going over Sheamus like nine times, recent #1 Contender to the WWE Title. Bryan = wrestling on Superstars, "already in the ring" and "joined in progress" matches, currently the focal point of a virgin angle). But it was a great match all around, even if it ended with Sheamus coming out and spitting all over a microphone.
DISLIKE
David Otunga, for a guy with muscles as big as his, is one of the least intimidating people I've ever seen. And I'm almost positive he was about to bust a gut laughing when Punk was grinning at them backstage, right before saying "faith."
THE REST
- There are pros and cons to the brand split spilling over on each show right now. Pro: Dolph Ziggler appears on RAW and SmackDown. Con: R-Truth appears on both RAW and SmackDown.
- After watching the Tag Title match, I'm almost positive that the Cobra is as over as the Viper.
- I fucking hate the referee that did the Orton/Ziggler match. Did anyone else see him grab Dolph's arm and just start bucking to try and get him off Orton in the corner, without even starting a count? He does this all the time. No counting, just getting all up in the wrestlers' faces with a 2002 John Cena-like aggression.
- Melina is the worst.
- Maryse inexplicably yelling at Michael Cole is the best.
- The Battle Royale thing was weird. And made no sense. But you gotta get new clips of guys throwing each other over the top rope for your new Royal Rumble video package somehow!
- Mason Ryan was dubbed as "Fauxtista" by someone on Twitter. Well played, sir. Well played. The segment itself was sweet. The dude will have to do a lot to prove he's not a Matt Morgan Test Jackson Andrews Nathan Joneszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Monday, January 17, 2011
SO WHO WILL BE THE EXTRA 10 IN THE 40-MAN ROYAL RUMBLE?
Today, Joey Styles tweeted that for the first time ever the Royal Rumble match would be open to 40 competitors, instead of the traditional 30. I thought this was Joey Styles trying to get a rise out of the fans, up until it was officially announced on WWE.com.
So with ten extra guys entering the Rumble this year, a lot of people are speculating who will be returning, debuting or making surprise appearances. However, while I do believe there could be a handful of surprises, people shouldn't be expecting any more than usual. Here's a list of the currently active male wrestlers on the WWE roster:
RAW
1. CM Punk
2. Daniel Bryan
3. Darren Young
4. David Hart Smith
5. David Otunga
6. Heath Slater
7. Husky Harris
8. Jey Uso
9. Jimmy Uso
10. John Cena
11. John Morrison
12. Justin Gabriel
13. Mark Henry
14. Michael McGillicutty
15. Primo
16. R-Truth
17. Santino Marella
18. Sheamus
19. Ted DiBiase
20. Tyson Kidd
21. Vladimir Kozlov
22. William Regal
23. Yoshi Tatsu
24. Zack Ryder
SMACKDOWN
25. Alberto Del Rio
26. Big Show
27. Chavo Guerrero
28. Chris Masters
29. Cody Rhodes
30. Curt Hawkins
31. Drew McIntyre
32. Ezekiel Jackson
33. Jack Swagger
34. JTG
35. Kane
36. Kofi Kingston
37. Rey Mysterio
38. Trent Barreta
39. Tyler Reks
40. Wade Barrett
So if you don't count the NXT Rookies (which you shouldn't, since getting a spot in the Rumble would be a much greater prize than getting a shot at the Tag Titles), everyone who is injured or taking time off, and the four men competing in the World Title matches, you have every one of the forty available spots filled in the Rumble.
Now surely not every one of these guys is going to be in the Royal Rumble. I couldn't imagine that they would extend the number of entrants just so we could see Darren Young and JTG get awkwardly clotheslined over the top rope by a returning Great Khali.
Speaking of Big Great Collie, why don't we take a look at who else could make an appearance:
INJURED RESERVE/TAKING TIME OFF/MISSING FROM TV
Evan Bourne - Recovering from shoulder surgery
Two days ago, Bourne tweeted that he's still unable to get in the ring. He'd be an awesome surprise, but we might have to wait until closer to WrestleMania to see Airbourne again.
Goldust - Torn rotator cuff
Last word was that Goldie would be out for at least three months, and he was sidelined in December.
Michael Tarver - Wrestling at FCW
Tarver appears to be nearly fully healed from his groin injury and is working at Florida Championship Wrestling in preparation for his return.
Skip Sheffield - Fractured ankle
Skip is still a few months away from a full recovery, as he was given an approximate six month return date in August.
The Great Khali - 1st Runner-Up on Bigg Boss!
What!? He didn't win?! He should've nailed that girl with a big chop to the head. Well, with Khali now done with the Indian Big Brother (which looks about a billion times more epic than the American version), he could most certainly be making an appearance at the Rumble this year.
Triple H - Career ended by Sheamus' BARR HAAAANDS Currently taking over the friggin' company
Hunter seems like a pretty obvious go-to surprise for the 40-man Royal Rumble. He's got a score to settle with Sheamus, and at least one more WrestleMania match before he starts removing the Vincent K. McMahon nameplate from his office door.
Christian - Torn pectoral muscle
Hopefully he's all healed up so he can win this thing. Or just face Edge at some point. Please guys. PLEASE.
Finlay - Old
And working as an agent mostly right now.
Joey Mercury - Recovering from pectoral surgery, working as a trainer at FCW
Don't hold your breath for Mercury.
The Undertaker - Dead
He was murdered by Kane so he won't be in the Rumble.
Speculation is just that - speculation. And, if you remember John Cena and Edge, you know that WWE superstars can have freakish recovery times. So maybe the Undertaker could recover from death and return at the Royal Rumble, I DON'T KNOW.
Those are the guys we know about. What about the ones who you may not be expecting?
POTENTIAL SURPRISES
Jerry Lawler
He's been wrestling a heck of a lot on RAW lately, and maybe a Rumble appearance could continue his involvement in the ring... and maybe even be the next step in getting him that ever elusive WrestleMania match?
Hornswoggle
I hope they don't do this to us. If they do, I hope he gets a Grizzly Redwood like elimination.
Beth Phoenix
Last year Beth Phoenix became the first woman to eliminate a competitor in the Royal Rumble match. This year, she probably won't be in it. But...
Awesome Kong
She was just signed - could Awesome Kong make a crazy-ass debut in the 39-man 1-woman Rumble?! Probably not. But a boy can dream.
Booker T, Sting, Goldberg, your favourite WCW wrestler...
I think everyone expects/hopes for some kind of big return here, given the impending announcements for the 2011 HOF in Atlanta. I don't see it, but I've been wrong before (always).
MizGirl
The Miz has gotta face someone at WrestleMania, right?!
So who is your extra ten? Who are your surprise non-WWE-employed entrants? Who doesn't make the cut who is on the roster? Make your picks in the comment section below.
RING OF HONOR ANNOUNCES TOP PROSPECT TOURNAMENT, FINAL HDNET MAIN EVENT
ROH announced two pretty awesome things today, both having to do with ROH On HDNet.
First, they announced that at their next (and last) set of HDNet tapings at The Arena, they will be holding an 8-man "Top Prospect Tournament," which will feature these seven ROH stars (and one mystery competitor):
- Adam Cole
- Kyle O'Reilly
- Andy "Right Leg" Ridge
- Bobby Dempsey
- Grizzly Redwood
- Michael Elgin
- "The Prodigy" Mike Bennett
The mystery competitor isn't being sold as a big name by any means, but more of an "unknown" wrestler who will be given the huge opportunity to make a name for himself on national television. Pretty cool idea.
The other announcement was a six-man tag team match that will be the main event of the final ROH On HDNet show, which will pit the ROH World Champion Roderick Strong and the ROH World Tag Team Champions the Kings of Wrestling against Davey Richards and the Briscoe Brothers. I can only assume that these guys will burn that place to the ground this weekend. Holy hell.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
MATT HARDY VS. VAL VENIS IS THE NEW SHANE HELMS VS. SHAWN MICHAELS
In case you haven't been obsessing over pro wrestling internet feuds instead of things that actually matter like I have, let me get you up to speed.
Shane Helms had this to say about Shawn Michaels. It's a lot to read, but essentially what I gather from it is that Helms is mad at HBK for being a bad Christian and for not being his fwend :( . Shawn Michaels had nothing to say in response, probably because he doesn't give a fuck what The Hurricane says. Especially when every other word is a swear. Wassup wit dat?!
Also, I love when people say things like, "I was this close to beating him up." What the fuck does that even mean? Anybody could say that. "I was this close to beating him up and embarrassing him in front of all of his friends and throwing him off a building and into traffic and lighting him on fire!!!"
Anyway, Helms just comes off as a guy who wished he could be best buds with Shawn Michaels, but Shawn didn't want to be his friend because ew, it's Shane Helms. So Helms talks about how close he was to beating Shawn up, but when asked what Shawn did to make him so mad, Helms says he wants to save it for his "shoot interview DVD," which means he didn't do anything and Shane Helms is just being ridiculous.
Then, enter Val Venis:
And, never to be outdone on YouTube, Matt Hardy's response:
In case you're too lazy to watch ten minutes of wrestlers calling each other names, here's what happened. Sean Morley called Matt Hardy talentless, and made fun of him for being such a weirdo on the internet. Matt Hardy, then did the unthinkable, and essentially TATTLED ON VAL VENIS.
Matt's video opens up on an email from a promoter that knows both Morley and Matt, with Matt saying he's going to expose the fraud that is Sean Morley. The email has texts from Morley to the promoter that are typed out verbatim. They say that Morley has no real heat with Matt, but that he just likes messing with his fans, and he's potentially building to an angle they can do on the indies someday. Morley also says that the promoter can tell Matt, but not anyone else, and if Matt or Shane find out, they should bury him in every way to keep this thing alive.
Matt Hardy then seemingly ignores that and takes it all to heart, and starts talking about how great his life is and he has a million dollar house and could retire right now if he wanted to and his life is great guys just like he says in every single tweet he does so how could his life be bad if he keeps saying how great it is it's fine it's sweet my life rules you guys IT'S GREAT MY LIFE IS GREEAAAAAAAAT
I don't understand what's happening here.
Val Venis: "Matt Hardy is talentless and trampoline wrestling is lame! (psst, hey Matt - go with it! It's an angle!)"
Matt Hardy: "I WAS IN WWE FOR 12 YEARS AND MY HOUSE IS SWEET SO FUCK YOU"
Val Venis: "..."
Anyway, these internet feuds aren't doing it for me. Someone call me when they get to DIE SLOW MOTHERFUCKER proportions.
Friday, January 14, 2011
FUNNIEST SHIT OF ALL TIME: I WHIP RIC FLAIR BACK AND FORTH
Via We Watch Wrestling
And if you don't get it, you're better off. But if you still wanna find out... well... here you go.
TONIGHT: ROH IN RICHMOND, VA - CARD PREVIEW
It's belltime in Virginia in a matter of hours when Ring of Honor kicks off 2011 in Richmond. The card is looking pretty solid, with the highlight being the big eight-man "ROH Champions vs. ROH All-Stars" tag team main event match. Take a look:
RICHMOND, VA - JANUARY 14TH, 2011
MAIN EVENT - ROH CHAMPIONS VS. ROH ALL-STARS
ROH World Champion Roderick Strong
ROH World Tag Team Champions The Kings of Wrestling
ROH World Television Champion Christopher Daniels
VS.
Davey Richards
El Generico
Jay & Mark, the Briscoe Brothers
GRUDGE MATCH
Homicide VS. Rhett Titus
SPECIAL CHALLENGE MATCH
Kenny King VS. Kyle O'Reilly
SPECIAL CHALLENGE MATCH
Adam Cole VS. "The Prodigy" Mike Bennett
SINGLES ACTION
Colt Cabana VS. Caprice Coleman
TAG TEAM ACTION
The Bravado Brothers VS. Andy "Right Leg" Ridge & Grizzly Redwood
ALSO SCHEDULED TO APPEAR
- "The King of Old School" Steve Corino
O'Reilly and Cole nearly stole the show at Final Battle with their opening tag match against The All Night Express, so you can expect O'Reilly/King to be a whole mess of fun tonight. It'll be tough to beat that main event though.
TWEETS FOR TONIGHT'S SHOW
And don't forget to go to IWantWrestling.com (if that is indeed what you really want):
Photo - IWantWrestling.com
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