PIZZABODYSLAM

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12: WHERE EVERYONE SAYS "MY BAD"

2012-01-19T11:51:00.004-05:00

Thursday Raw Thursday comes to you every (wait for it) Thursday via Fair To Flair in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was killed by that murderous, scary, serial killing wrestler guy Kane John Cena.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12

WOO!

ANGRY WRESTLERS SPEAKING ANGRILY TO EACH OTHER

It’s weird that I have to applaud that (angry, reluctant applause), but when today’s wrestlers usually speak to each other in some combination of winks and punchlines and G-rated filth, anger is suddenly refreshing.

This past Monday, Raw was bookended by two segments based around two people being angry with each other. There’s two key parts to that sentence: the angry part, and the with each other part.

The “angry” part is refreshing because we live in a world where John Cena can’t stop talking about underwear when Kane is trying to for real murder him. So when Dolph Ziggler rips Mick Foley a new place to hide his sock, or when CM Punk takes a page out of Big Johnny’s book and tells him to shut his mouth just like Eve should (show some goddamned respect, Eve), well, my pro wrestling boner grew three sizes that day.

The “with each other” part is refreshing because we live in a world where every wrestler is hyper aware of the people watching the show. It’s come to a point where John Cena has literally walked out to the ring to stand there and hold the microphone out to the audience as a promo. So when these four guys are all angry with each other over an issue that isn’t based entirely on how much “we people” like or hate John Cena, or how John Laurinaitis is or isn’t Mr. Exciting to “us people,” my pro wrestling boner grows three sizes more.

Now, I don’t want things to get carried away with anger and have everyone screaming and stabbing each other like in TNA (I haven’t watched TNA in a long time, okay [ed. note: this is still how it is over there]) because that would totally devalue what happened on Monday. But if we could dial back the self-awareness and the unfunny comedy, I think everyone would benefit.

Alternatively, we could just run rapid-fire replays of John Laurinaitis telling Eve to shut her mouth and I could giggle myself to sleep every week because that was so fucking funny.

BIG JOHNNY STUDD

In addition to being this close to telling Eve to shut her fucking mouth, Johnny Ace also launched into what I was hoping would slowly turn into a Will Ferrell “I drive a Dodge Stratus!!” dinner table speech. He just kept getting more and more frustrated with how he was being bullied, I felt like it had to end with “YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY! I CAN DO 100 PUSH-UPS IN TWENTY MINUTES! BIG TIME STUFF”

Also, The Squared Circle wrote a nice paragraph on why Big Johnny is so easy to hate (when you’re not choking on your own laughter at the things he says):

"I love to hate Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim RAW General Manager John Lauranitis. Just that whole fuckin’ title. It gets heat like a furnace.

I think he’s a better evil boss than Mr. McMahon, because Vince is so transparently Evil and Johnny Ace is a much more recognizable form of evil everybody has seen in a shitty boss before, the evil of incompetence. You can’t tell if he’s trying to fuck you over on purpose, or if shit just keeps rolling downhill, and there he is on his fuckin’ BlackBerry again, what a motherfucker."

And it’s true. Despite all of his Eve-silencing comedy, it’s not hard to get behind CM Punk when he’s calling him a douchebag. He even stumbles over his words (I swear he almost called Punk CP Munk), and while I don’t think that’s intentional, it seems to at least give Punk’s shots at his charisma a leg to stand on.

DANIEL BRYAN APPRECIATES AJ

I love seeing the wheels spinning in Daniel Bryan’s head as he grows as a heel.

When AJ says “I love you” and he says “how much” you can see a little thought bubble pop above his head with a clip of Big Show running her over and ending the match playing inside of it. When Big Show actually does run her over, you can see the gears turning in Bryan’s head until he finally realizes how he can use this against Big Show and then he makes him fucking cry.

He. Made. The Big Show. Cry.

The best part of this is that Daniel Bryan essentially showed up on Raw to tell a live television audience that the Big Show is an unapologetic, crying, blithering idiot. That makes him my favourite person. To be fair, he already was.

I just realized that last week I made a joke about Big Show looking like a camouflage fake penis, and then this week Big Show started crying (you know, out of the tip of his face, his eyes), which means Big Show is pretty much forcing me to make a semen joke I don’t want to make.

SECOND FUNKASAURUS VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST

Okay, it’s the same match twice, but it’s still funny as shit to watch.

I think it might get better and more fun if it keeps happening this EXACT way. Same moves, same catchphrases, same timing, same jobber opponent making “what the actual fuck” faces at the camera, same everything. It’d be like the shortest cult movie ever where people go to the theatre and shout out punchlines and sing along to the songs, except everyone would be shouting “SHEEPLEX” and answering “YEAH” in a sassy voice to “SHOULD I… GET HEE-YIM?”.

What’s even better about this is that he’s had three matches as the Funkasaurus, and with the dance routine, the booty shake, the opponent feel-up, the big headbutt, the SHEEPLEX, the avalanche in the corner and the “Aw, Funk It!” he’s already got more moves than Diesel (and that’s including the hair flip).

CHRIS JERICHO, MR. SPARKLE

It looks like the ‘Quiet-ollah of Rock and Trolla’ (I tried, and therefore no one can criticize me) is on board with my “Every WWE Heel Needs A Non-Verbal Catchphrase Initiative,” which I started last week. Crying invisible tears would’ve been a good one, but Big Show already aped that, so he went with turning off the lights of whatever room he’s in and illuminating his Flyerman jacket.

I wonder when the cheers will fully stop, and how he’ll keep them that way. Don’t think for a second, no matter how hard he trolls people, that the crowd won’t go apeshit if he wins the Rumble.

Speaking of the Rumble, I’d love it if one of two things happened:

1. Jericho enters at number one and manages to never actually enter the ring or the Rumble by continuously milking a crowd reaction for the duration of the match. It would be a social experiment so see how many times over the course of an hour people would cheer, start booing, then slowly start to laugh, then cheer again, then start booing again, etc.

2. Jericho enters the Rumble, lasts ‘til the end with one other jobber like Tyler Reks or someone, then eliminates himself so people have to deal with Tyler Reks winning the Royal Rumble. No one could cheer that.

Honourable Mention: Tag Team Match, Play— URRRGHHHHAAGGH NO! NO!!! I CAN CHANGE!!!

Teddy Long did the unthinkable. He saw four guys in a ring, in conflict with one another, came out, and didn’t make a tag team match. In therapy this is called a “breakthrough”.

I can’t stop picturing Teddy Long watching Sheamus, The Miz, R-Truth and Wade Barrett all fight in the ring, vibrating in place at the thought of a tag team match. Part of me wishes that after he announced the Over The Top Rope Battle Royal, he went “just kidding, tag team match playa!”

Honourable Honourable Mention: This Teddy Long “Tag Team Match Dubstep Lolz” video that for some reason I laughed at.

Honourable Honourable Honourable Mention: Dolph Ziggler referencing John Cena’s hilariously awkward run from last week.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12

BOO!

JOHN CENA MIGHT BE A SOCIOPATH

I understand that this whole thing was supposed to be John Cena “embracing hate,” but it sure as shit was the weirdest thing to embrace hate over.

He’s just a sociopath. Kane tries to murder him and the next week he comes out to wish everyone a Happy New Year and make underwear jokes. Zack Ryder loses a match and John Cena attempts to FUCKING KILL Jack Swagger while everyone screams STOP STOP HE’S ALREADY DEAD.

What’s also weird is how he referenced Johnny Ace’s “my bad” when confronting him backstage, which means he was watching Zack Ryder’s backstage promo. NO OTHER WRESTLER seems to watch these backstage segments, but no, John Cena is somewhere backstage, eyes glued to the monitor as Zack Ryder is being tended to by doctors. I don’t know why I find that so weird. Everyone else is off preparing for matches while John Cena has his thumb up his butt watching the show he’s on.

Point is, John Cena is a crazier crazy person than Kane, who is still pretty crazy, because he did his “ringpost pyro taunt” from backstage to a camera, as if that’s what actually sets off his fireworks.

All of this stuff is in the BOO section, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I liked it at least a little bit for how goddamn funny it is.

CM PUNK CAN DO BOTH FUNNY AND SERIOUS!

Brandon Stroud of the Best and Worst of Raw tackled the shit out of this already. He made great points about Punk’s awkward jabs at Ziggler, and I was certainly caught off-guard by his “hiding behind a woman, and a poor excuse of a woman” comment towards Vickie Guerrero, but somehow I’m more offended by his unfunny comedy.

Coming out and saying things like “turd in a punch bowl” and making fun of a guy’s spray tan and highlights reeks of so much John Cena that he was one Shouty Preacher Voice away from evolving into him. John Cena’s “funny voice / serious voice” on-off switch doesn’t work for him, so it’d be sweet if no one else, especially CM fucking Punk, would give it a shot ever again.

ZACK RYDER HAS FIGHTING SPIRIT

Remember two years ago when Jack Swagger won the World Heavyweight Title by beating Chris Jericho (with injured ribs) using one Gutwrench Powerbomb? How the hell am I then supposed to believe that Swagger needs THREE of those to beat Zack Ryder (with Kane-injured ribs [BBQ ribs?]) for the US Title?

This is nit-picking, but it was just a bit odd to see him kick-out TWICE when his ribs are injured, and it’s a totally acceptable loss if he were to just take it once and get pinned. If Ryder can kick-out of finishers like that, let’s line him up against Undertaker this year at Mania.

PEREZ/PARIS HILTON

Whichever one the announcers want to go with, I guess.

Anyway, nothing needs to be even said about this, nor does any penis or cocaine need to be drawn on a picture about this. It was more than uncomfortable watching him sell a Bella shove like someone yanked a rug out from underneath him. It was a bad idea from the second they announced it, all the way through to when it was over. It went exactly as we expected, ninety seconds of plugging his website, a roll-up finish, everyone booed.

Now we can all go back to having that exact same match without him next week, and he can go back to, I don’t know, mashing the exclamation point key?

Honourable Mention: Evan Bourne’s second wellness strike.

Okay, I’m not going to say much here. Everyone’s piped in and gone “lol dumb” or whatever enough. I might take some flack for this, but here goes.

I agree. It is dumb. He probably should’ve had his shit together knowing he’d be tested again. My problem is more with the reaction it got online. Sure, everyone was correct that he was stupid for getting busted (probably for pot or fake pot or whatever, although I don’t think it was ever actually said what it was). But it’s also not exactly flattering to see your timeline fill up in seconds with people leaping at the chance to point and laugh at a guy, who’s done nothing but hurt his own future.

I feel like I can’t really say that and come off like my hands are clean or whatever, considering how much fun I’ve made of Matt Hardy in the past or whoever, so I know I’m no different, so all I’m going to say, in this run-on sentence, is for whatever reason, to see the news break and how everyone immediately reacted, it irked me, and now I’ll move on, enough preaching, especially since I’ll probably ruin it within the week by pointing and laughing at Matt Hardy or something.

And, even I can’t deny that this was funny. So there.

Edited by K. Sawyer Paul

THE DEBUT OF THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY: 01/09/12

2012-01-12T14:34:00.004-05:00

I’ve come to realize that my reviews, if one even gets done, get done late. So, I’ve decided to brand my own tardiness! Every Thursday you can find my review of Raw here, and over at Fair To Flair. If you haven’t seen the Thursday Raw Thursday, please watch this video so whenever you read “Thursday Raw Thursday” in this or any future post, you can say “Thursday Raw Thursday” in your head in that weird stilted phrasing, like I always do.

Thursday Raw Thursday comes to you in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” is still changing a tire at the American Bank Center Arena in Corpus Christi.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY REVIEW 01/09/12

WOO!

THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE (MAYBE NOT, BUT LET’S RUN TO OUR RENTAL CAR ANYWAY)

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been gone ever since Kane returned and forcibly caved John Cena’s mouth in on itself. But now, like Kane, I’ve been resurrected (I guess you can be resurrected if Mark Henry sits on your leg and you take ‘er easy for a while), and I too am wearing a big silver Vega mask.

I’ve already missed some instant Kane classics in the time I’ve been gone. Such as Kane Hadokening John Cena. Or when he stood around trying to get a “Cena Sucks” chant going, but mostly failed and had to just sit there idly twiddling his yarn pants (I wish he started it with a falsetto “let’s go Cena!”). Even last week’s promo from backstage (I hope he was in full gear with a microphone just sitting there poking at the lights and pyro board trying to spook Cena) had me in stitches (like his yarn pants).

And now he’s claiming he almost brought Zack Ryder to “hell” with him (hopefully the same “hell” that Edge was in and later made fun of).

But nothing was funnier than watching Zack Ryder change a tire while Eve squirmed in the passenger’s seat for like three commercial breaks. There was absolutely no logic or voice of reason in this segment (which I’ll get to), and I died laughing, much like Zack Ryder presumably died when he was chokeslammed onto a grocery skid, and like John Cena died when Kane suffocated him with the cup your hand around your fart and make someone smell it move.

BIG JOHNNY VS. LITTLE JIMMY

In an instance of perfect timing, R-Truth stops being funny just when BIG JOHNNY steps up to the plate, texting and quipping like a boss Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw. Even Jerry Lawler was casually calling him “Big Johnny” by the end of the night - that shit STUCK.

More importantly, I’d like it if every heel could have a non-verbal catchphrase. Kind of like when you play Sonic the Hedgehog, and if you do nothing for long enough he’ll start tapping his foot, but if you were playing David Otunga the Hedgehog, he’d whip out a hot beverage thermal mug and take a swig. This would all build to one show where they could do one of their “DAMN” backstage sketches that would actually be funny, where Johnny Ace texts, Otunga slurps, Del Rio winks, maybe Swagger gets his facial twitch back and Jinder Mahal pets a cat or something.

DANIEL BRYAN IS MICHAEL COLE

He is.

It’s both alarming and amazing, but he is. At first he was just a douche, and I hate Big Show so he’s a douche to me, so it was two douches feuding for a week or two, so that sucked for me. But now, it’s better (except for Big Show, who I still hate, and will get to later).

It’s a bit odd that DB’s celebrating exactly like Michael Cole would (endless shouting of YES YES YES YES [he may as well be saying WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER]). I’m bracing myself for Big Show eventually squashing Danielson and Michael Cole standing up and going “YES YES YES SEE HE IS A NERD WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER” and farting on his head.

But for now, I can enjoy the slow potential return of “I have ‘til five, referee” Bryan Danielson heel World Champion.

HAS BRODUS CLAY DEBUTED YET?

So now we know why he took so long to debut. He had to come all the way from Planet Funk.

WHAT. THE. (RESISTING THE URGE TO SAY FUNK) FUCK. I’ve only watched this segment once, so it’s still spinning around my brain like a fever dream. I once had this dream when I was ten where I was Owen Hart and I was wrestling the Ultimate Warrior, but then I looked up and saw Vader climbing the seats in the crowd like King Kong scaling a skyscraper, but his red singlet was all sparkly and he was wearing all kinds of gaudy gold jewellery. It’s stuck with me forever. Now I know why.

I don’t want to ruin this already for myself by saying this is something that will probably get less and less fun as it goes on, so I’m just going to say that I laughed for the entire duration of that match, and hope to do so in the future.

BONUS WOO: “Should I get ‘im?!!??!”

PUNK VS. SWAGGER, ZOLPH ZIGGLER, PREMATURE JACK DOAN

Okay, a lot of names to get to. I’ll get Zolph out of the way first, because John Laurinaitis flubbing his name made me bust a gut.

CM Punk has finally made it back to where he should be. No more weird Triple H and Kevin Nash heart-breaking, no more goofy John Cena forced humour, he’s just the WWE Champion and wrestling in the best match of the night, each night.

It’s so much more simple now. He has legitimate beef with John Laurinaitis for his constant “good intentions” interference in Punk’s affairs, and everything else seems to fall into place nicely. Nothing is too convoluted, it’s simple enough, and Punk is more than good enough to make simple good.

Punk vs. Swagger was great, and somehow made even more great with Jack Doan’s premature “1… 2… 3! WHOOPS SORRY FUCK”. The announcers replaying it and treating it as something that actually happened instead of ignoring it like they usually would made things feel that much more real, even if it was a mistake. It’s something that makes you look up from your laptop or put a stop to the conversation in the room (who am I kidding, we’re all on our laptops, NERDS! TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER) and pay attention because the wrestling program has stopped continuing on as a normal wrestling program would.

Honourable Mention: Chris Jericho

…

You can’t see me right now, but I’m crying.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY REVIEW: 01/09/12

BOO!

BUT SERIOUSLY, KANE (AND ZACK RYDER AND EVE)

WOW. Okay, Razor handled this whole “horror movie” storyline in his Raw review (he also handled “Raw” in his Raw review, so I’m here to just, y’know, beat that dead Funkhorse!) but I do have a few things to say about the logistics of this.

On the one hand, Eve running out of the ring, out of the building, into a car and attempting to get away is AMAZING. It’s what you (maybe just me) always want a wrestler to do (or at least just calmly walk away) whenever The Undertaker starts slowly making his way to the ring to standing 69 him. Just walk away. Theme music is not paralyzing.

On the other hand, once she and Ryder made it to the rental car and spent forty minutes replacing the wiper fluid, shouldn’t one of them have gone “oh, he’s not coming, let’s just go” and leave? I’m still not sure what they expected from driving back to their hotel when they’ll just be seeing Kane at the next live event anyway, where he’s free to palm their mouths as much as he so pleases.

But when Eve was standing in the ring all giddy, primed and ready to air-hump, and then Kane’s music hit and she instantly took a knee and shit herself, I shit MYSELF laughing (seriously, best reaction to Kane since John Cena’s scared face from two weeks ago).

There’s still no proof that Kane was ever coming out. He could’ve been in the washroom watching Superstar after Superstar brush their teeth while the light and pry guy was like “whoops, hit the Kane button” and all of a sudden Eve and Zack are bookin’ it for the parking lot before he can hit pause.

This has to be the biggest and most hilarious overreaction in wrestling history. I kind of wish it was taken even further. Maybe next week Zack can shoot Kane with a real gun because he’s still overreacting.

At the very least someone should follow Eve around playing Kane’s music until she has a nervous breakdown.

A NEVER ENDING LACK OF LOGIC

I don’t want anyone to think this bothered me that much, but sometimes the way this show is shot is dumb. I understand that this is a television show and it’s fake, I just hate when things happen to remind everyone it’s fake.

Like the camera panning to a closed door, seemingly for no reason, after Zack Ryder makes idle threats about Kane, and then the door creaks open and out pops Kane’s head. Or when the cameras cut to Zack Ryder CHANGING A TIRE during the main event. Why is this important, unless, yep, here comes Kane to MURDER — NOPE — CHOKESLAM him? The only other noteworthy reason to cut to Zack Ryder changing a tire during the main event is to go, “haha, ho man he’s still changing that tire, okay carry on”.

A GOOD R-TRUTH

It’s subtle, but allow me to illustrate the differences between A Bad R-Truth and A GoooOoOoOoOoooD R-Truth:

A Bad R-Truth: Requires water.

A Good R-Truth: Is still trying to get an open water bottle over as a believable weapon.

A Bad R-Truth: Punctuates his crazy actions with goggly eyes.

A Good R-Truth: Punctuates his crazy actions with a wink and a smile.

A Bad R-Truth: Hates Little Jimmy.

A Good R-Truth: Wants Little Jimmy to wish The Miz a Happy New Year.

A Bad R-Truth: Is funny.

A Good R-Truth: Is not funny.

FELLLLAAAAAAAA

I laoch Sheamus. In fact, his DUSH DUSH DUSH DUSH DUSH style of wrestling has somehow caught on with me. I like how he makes the same noise when he hits someone as when he’s being hit. But when he walks out on the ramp and yells “FELLLLAAAAAA” instead of “LAOCH”, I laoch him a little less.

It just doesn’t really make sense. Sure, Sheamus, I realize you like saying “fella” a lot, which is cool, but would it make sense for me to walk out on the ramp and go “DUUUUUUUDE”? At least laoch sounds like something you would scream to get psyched up because you’re Irish and that’s an Irish word meaning “powerbomb” or whatever and I can run with that. Screaming “fella” directed at no one in particular is a weird battle cry, so stop doing it. But please continue kicking Jinder Mahal in the face because fuck that guy.

BIG SHOW IS ACCIDENTALLY MORE OBNOXIOUS THAN THE GUY TRYING TO BE OBNOXIOUS

No matter how hard Daniel Bryan tries to be an annoying doucher, Big Show always manages to one up him. What’s worse: Bryan celebrating after winning a match in two minutes, or Big Show interrupting said celebration to come out WITH FIREWORKS, cheering and pointing like he’s at some National Cheerleading Final, slapping hands with everyone, going “OH YEAGGHHH”, putting his toque on a soldier, to only get in the ring and go “now, about last week”.

Are you really THAT PUMPED UP to talk about last week? I hate when Big Show is like this. I hate his Kevin Nash Just For Men: Beard beard. I hate how no matter how many times Daniel Bryan takes him to the limit, every time a new rematch is announced, Big Show is all “HAHA YEAH WHATEVER UR DEAD”.

P.S. Stop dressing like a camouflage dildo.

Honourable Mention: Wait, I forgot the most important part - TWITTER!

I understand that the WWE is really proud of it’s social media accomplishments. I get that they are pushing Twitter on their TV shows and what have you. But I can’t handle one more WWE Superstar or announcer saying to another WWE Superstar or announcer “sure, you may have [done something actually important like win a title or match] and you may be [concerned with something actually important like your current storyline], but who cares?! YOU ARE [TRENDING ON TWITTER / FOLLOWED BY MORE PEOPLE THAN SOMEONE / TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER]

On that note, here’s the end of my review where I tell you to follow me on Twitter.

I AM WEARING A T-SHIRT OF THE UNDERTAKER RIDING A HORSE

2011-12-18T17:23:00.006-05:00

And I can't think of a title for this blog.

Since I haven't said or done anything in a while, I'm going to be live-tweeting tonight's pay-per-view, WWE: TLC (which stands for tables, ladders and chairs - or, as my girlfriend hilariously thought, tape, ladders and chairs. To be fair, they might as well throw tape in there. Or any home renovation item, now that they've combined sledgehammers and ladders. Add tape. Maybe a sabre saw. Maybe toss Triple H a softball and include some caulk).

I am most excited for three things tonight:

1. Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T

Cody Rhodes' maniacal laugh is the most accidentally infectious laugh since that time there was a gas leak in the hallway. His laugh is exactly as funny as Tony Atlas' DURHURHUR laugh at David Otunga was unfunny. I love Cody Rhodes. And I love Booker T excitedly ploughing through the English language to try and explain whether his issue with Cody Rhodes is personal or not. I hope this somehow leads to a Goldust/Cody match at WrestleMania, but if it only leads to Cody Rhodes saying he's coming for Booker T, nigga, than that's okay too.

2. Big Show vs. Mark Henry

I am mentally bracing myself for several minutes of ankle holding and hilarious Big Show selling. I'm curious if Daniel Bryan will get involved, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I will hold my breath until I fall off my couch and hit my head on my coffee table if Big Show wins though. Hopefully I can revive myself soon enough for the Smackdown where he would inevitably come out like the world's largest male cheerleader, whooping and doing his big annoying rain-dance with the title. I hate "fired-up so happy to be here C'MON YEAH" Big Show.

3. Kevin Nash vs. Triple H

Ho man. If this isn't filled to the brim with crazy method-acting Triple H, and tons of Kevin Nash heavy-breathing ladder-climbing, this'll be the last Tape Ladders and Chairs I ever order. This has so much potential because the match makes no sense. It's a ladder match, so it's no disqualification. Climb the ladder to get the sledgehammer, and then you can use it. Why not just bring another sledgehammer to the ring? Why not fucking sabre saw Triple H to death? Why would you even risk climbing that stupid ladder, either of you, given the history of your tissue-paper quads?! Just each of you push a shopping cart of sledgehammers to the ring and start sword-fighting.

Anyway, I'm excited to take in what surely has to be the oldest ladder match ever.

I'm also looking forward to Punk/ADR/Miz, but more for the spectacle of it all than the actual match, if that makes any sense.

Before I go, a couple things (starting a new list of things here):

1. Go play Razor (of Fair To Flair and Kick-Out!! fame)'s WWE 12 story - Zack Ryder vs. The U.S. I just started, and it's been fun as heck so far (already one Community reference!).

2. The third Fair To Flair Quarterly is coming out soon, and it'll be a "best of" 2011. I went through all of my Raw reviews from this year and picked out my favourite parts for the issue. I was tempted to include the truly hilarious things I said in previous reviews, such as "Alex Riley has some serious fire" and "Dolph Ziggler's new haircut will benefit him in the long run" (both ACTUAL THINGS I said [sheeeee]) but decided to keep that horrible shame to myself.

3. LASTLY, and maybe most importantly, I have to give a super belated shout-out to Andrew Johnson of The John Report. His Headlines are always really funny and entertaining, and his articles are on my list of wrestling sites to visit daily. Earlier this year he also wrote an awesome Night of Champions Best/Worst at With Leather in place of Brandon Stroud, which was hilarious, especially given the shoes he had to fill there.

He's also been saying way too nice things about me for a while now, so thanks for that, feller. Follow this man on Twitter.

Speaking of Twitter, join me on Twitter (@pizzabodyslam) (TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER) for all of my live-tweets (TWITTER TWITTER), which I'll be doing shirtless and glistening whilst taking deliberate sips from a hot beverage thermal mug. JOIN ME.

TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TITTY TWISTER TWITTER

11/28/11 RAW REVIEW: I CAN'T WAIT FOR JOHN MORRISON TO GET HIS REVENGE NEXT WEEK

2011-11-29T19:13:00.004-05:00

This Raw review is (or will be very soon) posted over at Fair To Flair (in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was hit in the knee with a lead pipe, carted out of the arena, and continuously carted through big, swinging double-doors that say “TNA”. I also picture the EMTs that carted him through the doors to come back through dusting their hands off enthusiastically).

Now let's all start reading the first Raw review I've done that actually went up the day after. Someone give me a gold star.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

LIKED...

RODDY PIPER IS JOHN CENA’S SPLINTER

I love that once a year, Roddy Piper has to come and literally slap some sense into John Cena.

Last year, right around this time, Piper showed up and essentially shook John Cena until he finally displayed an emotion other than “lofl”. This year (er, yesterday), he conducted a pro wrestler litmus test on Cena and managed to draw both a white hot reaction from the crowd and an emotional, real promo out of Cena, which almost… almost blew the John Cena character wide open.

Roddy Piper seems to be the only person who can tap into John Cena and bring out the best in him. He offers wisdom on the psyche of a pro wrestler (“when you cheered me I did good things, when you booed me I did bad things”). When he talks, people shut up, take a knee and listen. He sees the good in bad people and the flaws in good people. He likes pizza (I assume). He can make a funny. He’s John Cena’s Splinter.

John Cena wants to impress Piper. He wants to prove to him that he can figure shit out on his own and go all Raphael through the Foot on a rooftop without the help of a super-powered Hall Of Fame ring (I wonder if because Hogan’s ring gave Abyss “Hogan-powers” and he had the red and yellow and Abyssamania [actual word said by Hulk Hogan], then if Cena used Piper’s ring, he’d get “Piper-powers” and start being funny for real and not win any more World Titles and wear a kilt so The Rock could show up and go “HAHA GAY” and pass out laughing because John Cena is in a dress and that is like catnip for Rocky).

Just like Splinter teaching the Turtles how the real world won’t understand or accept them, Piper is trying to teach Cena to deal with the fans that boo him so when he shows up at WrestleMania, expecting to win, but he loses and everyone cheers, he doesn’t have a nervous breakdown. Piper is trying to turn Cena.

And WWE.com is trying to turn Cena. The Rock is trying to turn Cena. It seems that everyone is trying to get John Cena to freak the fuck out and start chucking people through barber shop windows and legdrop Randy Savage and blow smoke over John Morrison’s sparkly abs, but, as David Shoemaker and Brandon Stroud have been saying all along, he’s already heel. Turning him heel would only turn him face.

The John Cena character can’t change. Everything around him can, because there will always be a million ways to orchestrate both a scenario where he’s booed out of the building (i.e. Punk, Rock, ECW, etc.), and a scenario where he assembles a team of SuperFriends to take out the Nexus and get cheers that bring the building down. Y’know?

That said, I’d still like to see John Cena tell The Rock he hates his fucking guts and then kick him in the dick.

DOLPH ZIGGLER DEF. RANDY ORTON (FT. WADE BARRETT DEF. COMMENTARY)

I think the best example of Ziggler’s new “show off” gimmick would be a weekly series called “What Can Dolph Ziggler Get A Good Match Out Of” where he wrestles different people and objects that you expect him to not be able to even wrestle, let alone get a passable match out of, but he blows everyone away when he DDTs himself and takes a nearfall from a porcelain birdbath.

This match was great. Maybe not quite as good as their last one on Raw, but still great. It was also aided by Vickie Guerrero yelling “FINISH HIM C’MON FINISH HIIIIM” from the VERY BEGINNING of the match. I love the idea that Vickie has no understanding of what goes into a wrestling match and right from the bell she’s just all “FUCKING KILL HIM ALREADY, GOD-UHHHHH”.

I can’t remember the last bad Dolph Ziggler match I saw. All the way back to his first match as Ziggler vs. Batista was awesome. Now he’s to the point where he’s wrestling two matches every Pay-Per-View and doing headstands after beating Randy Orton. I can’t wait for the day where he spins The Undertaker on his finger and 360 dunks off a step ladder.

Side note: Wade Barrett on commentary looked and sounded as sharp as Mason Ryan’s nipples.

DANIEL BRYAN KICKED MARK HENRY’S LEG OUT OF HIS LEG

Michael Cole brings out the best in Daniel Bryan. He’s like his Splinter.

Aside from the weak “we want Big Show” chant that made me want to heel hook my TV, this was a star-making promo from Bryan. Cole was an insufferable douche, which turned Bryan into a man of bearded conviction, which brought out Mark Henry (who is, to remind you, “half-way injured”) to get kicked in the leg.

I don’t expect Danielson to win the belt tonight. And if Mark Henry isn’t going to take the belt all the way to WrestleMania to defend it against Bryan, I could get behind him cashing in on Big Show at TLC, and turning “I’ve got ‘til 5” heel as champion.

Honourable Mention: Punk vs. Del Rio (a.k.a. wrestling, a.k.a. this is the kind of Raw people beg for after a Raw that is 97% shenanigans, a.k.a. even with Punk being wacky and saying “ass” and referencing Google searches [which incidentally brought me to a video titled “Del Rio Is A Boring Cunt”], the match itself was still great).

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

DISLIKED...

THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE JOHN

There really wasn’t too much to not like about John Morrison’s send off.

He got his leg lead piped out of his leg. He was staying gangster and stunting with Alex Riley before the match. He did that thing where he wrestles like his Pajama Jeans are too tight. He was killed off and I’m pretty sure John Laurinaitis came out for a “Future Endeavoured” Ron Simmons “DAMN” type punchline while he was on the stretcher (it’d be pretty great if he kept doing that anytime someone was about to get fired - he comes out, gives a derpy look of disapproval, and buries himself in his Blackberry until JTG gets wheeled away).

But for some reason, I’m still not sold on angry, solemnly Awesome Miz. He’s been reestablishing himself for the better part of this year with IMPACTS and STATEMENTS and IMPACTFUL STATEMENTS and STATED IMPACTS and I just miss the The Miz that had more charisma than that.

CAN I BORROW SOMEONE’S DIVAS SIGN LANGUAGE DICTIONARY

Every Divas match starts with a sign language mini-game that someone needs to subtitle. I get the Bellas calling their opponents “losers” by making an L out of their fingers and putting it on their head (that’s Divas Signing 101), but can someone decode Alicia Fox’s hand jive from last night? Even Natalya’s convoluted three-step YOU’RE GONNA CRY KELLY hand signals make some semblance of sense, but I think Alicia Fox was going off script there. Then again, pro wrestling signing typically doesn’t get more complicated than “YOU. ME. TEAM? BIG NOD” so I’m not exactly fluent.

THAT’S GOTTA BE (A CRAPPY) KANE (RETURN VIDEO)

It is crazy to me that a guy like Kane, who has TONS of built-in story and imagery and fire and death and brother murder and hell and brimstone and biblical fucking shit can’t even get a GOOD comeback video. Instead of using anything even remotely cool or creative, they decided to give Kane an HPV awareness commercial return video.

While I’m talking about video packages, I want someone to a/b that Sheamus video from last night where he was all “I’m a good lad! I like having a bit of fun I’m a nice guy!” with anything from two years ago where Michael Cole couldn’t stop yelling about how much Sheamus just loved to hurt people and how he’s a crazy Mark-Cuban-murdering asshole.

Honourable Mention: I think Jack Swagger tripped over his gigantic tongue.

Or something. I don’t know what the hayell happened right there. I think it’s karma for him abandoning his eye twitch.

11/07/11 RAW REVIEW: WHY NASH WHY DO YOU KEEP EXPLAINING YOUR ACTIONS

2011-11-10T15:59:00.004-05:00

This Raw review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that believes "personal and witty > informational and clinical". Or, at least that's what K. Sawyer Paul prefers (and so do I) for submissions for the third Fair To Flair Quarterly (which you can read about here). I'm a regular contributor for FTF, along with co-founders Jason Mann of WrestleSpective, K. Sawyer Paul of International Object, and Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling. Also at Fair To Flair is my blogging Bruiser BROdy TH of The Wrestling Blog, and Garcian Smith. Be sure to check out all of their respective blogs and Twitters and what have yous.

Before I get started, I'd like to point out that the last Raw I reviewed was the one that followed Money In The Bank (you know, the PPV where CM Punk made the WWE Title interesting again). It was a happier time. Proceed with caution.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/07/11

LIKED...

DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER

I love when wrestlers wrestle something other than another wrestler. You might be familiar with Shawn Michaels vs. A Ladder from WrestleMania X. Or maybe Kota Ibushi vs. YOSHIHIKO (a blow-up doll) from DDT. Even Triple H vs. A Broomstick from that time Triple H said that and everyone loled. Now you can add Dolph Ziggler vs. Dolph Ziggler to that list.

Or at least I can. Mainly because I've managed to selectively un-see John Morrison. You know that optical illusion where you focus on a cross in the centre of an image and the rest of the image fades away? That's like me with Dolph Ziggler (the cross) and John Morrison (the rest of the image). I just watch Dolph Ziggler ragdoll bump like a goddamned psychopath, and I manage to un-see John Morrison toppling lifelessly through the second rope. I also don't have to see him hold his neck and grimace ever again. Come join me in this JoMo-less world.

Also, at this point I sincerely feel like Ziggler vs. YOSHIHIKO would be better than Triple H vs. anyone (aside from maybe a broomstick).

NATALYA'S BROWN-NOTE BARITONE

Aside from Kelly's hilarious "eeeehhhhhh" face--

--and how little confidence even Kelly had in her "National Geographic" line, Natalya stole that entire segment with the scariest, boomiest out-of-nowhere delivery of "YOU'RE GONNA CRY KELLY YOU'RE GONNA CRY YOU MUTT". Holy fuck that scared me. And then Eve's Virgin Radio bumper music hit.

That music is the least run-in-able-to music of all-time. It's too danceable. I will only support this theme if Usher starts managing Eve (which you know would be awesome).

JOHNNY ACE'S IDLE THREATS

Brandon Stroud of With Leather's Best And Worst of WWE Raw has already tackled this subtle moment of hilarity:

"Alberto Del Rio attacked CM Punk (from behind) (because he deserved it), and somehow the best part of it all was Mr. John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, chastising him from the background. "Stop this right now!" "I'm not going to tell you again!" And the cherry on top, "AIGHT DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OFF MY JACKET". Amazing. I love the idea that Laurinaitis is this backstabbing twerp, but when he takes of his blazer the mullet comes down and he starts dropkicking."

And I feel like there's no way I (nor anyone) can add to that. Bottom line is that so far my favourite parts of this show were the way two people said really inconsequential things, and Dolph Ziggler wrestling himself. Fuck me.

Honourable Mention: Alberto Del Rio is the WWE Champion, and everyone else? DEY DON MATTIR

Things you miss if you fast-forward Alberto Del Rio's promos

- hilarious reaction faces

- the way he says pretty much any word (one of my favourites: "John Cena, I hope you get fire.")

- Ricardo Rodriguez

- children throwing popcorn at him

- winking

- Ricardo Rodriguez

- you wouldn't miss this but it's a hilarious picture

- Ricardo Rodriguez

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/07/11

DISLIKED...

KEVIN NASH TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HELPLESS CHILDREN

Man, couldn't have been a worse time to make a "taking advantage of you like a helpless child" metaphor, eh Kev?

There is a buttload of hilarious subtext to this feud. Well, basically each guy has said one funny thing that points to them having sex with each other, but still. I like to pretend that Nash is just making all of these insider shoot references to distract us from the true insider references he's slipping in there: Kevin Nash broke Triple H's heart by taking advantage of him like a helpless child.

What's more offensive than Kevin Nash molesting (or terra-ryzing? lol) Triple H is how many times I've had to watch Kevin Nash RETURN and EXPLAIN HIS ACTIONS. Mattel needs to release a new Kevin Nash action figure with a ripcord that triggers a "FIRST OF ALL" sound-byte. God DAMNIT KEVIN. Just stay here or leave forever and never explain why you did something. I don't care if you DDT Scott Stanford and throw up a new hand sign (perhaps a fluttering bird) for an imaginary stable. Never explain yourself. Just keep going on about your Big Sexy business, doing whatever it is that you do and never explaining it, and it'll be ONE BILLION times better than your sentence fragment old-person-shouting promo from Monday.

PIG AND TITANIC COMMENTARY

I'll let the commentary speak for itself. Here's a small excerpt from Santino vs. Swagger:

King: If you wanna beat someone you should go challenge a fourth grader. JR's gonna…. stomp you.

Cole: JR can't move. He waddles around the ring. You don't even know what the challenge is.

King: Oh is it gonna be wrestling? Is that what you're gonna do? You're gonna fight the guy?

Cole: Hey maybe you know it could be an intellectual challenge, I'd kill him on that. I'm a Mensa. He's, what uh, I don't know... he's from Oklahoma.

King: … … Mensa?

Cole: You know although if we had a pig calling contest he'd beat me in that. SOOEY SOOEY.

King: Okay Cole. Quit doing that with Vickie here.

Cole: [uncontrollable snorting laughter]

King: Now I hear pigs grunting.

Cole: [continued snorting] uh now look at Swagger

…

Cole: This is some city here, you know what Liverpool's known for? As uh--

King: Nothing.

Cole: --well nothing, but actually where the company that built the Titanic was located. [laughter] Too bad JR wasn't on the Titanic on it's way over here OH THAT'S RIGHT HE DIDN'T MAKE IT

King: If JR was on the Titanic the iceberg would've sunk.

Cole: He'd be a one man life raft for the entire ship.

King: You're gonna be hoping for a life raft next week.

Cole: Look at Swagger

Match ends.

R-TRUTH IS WHIFFLE BALL TONY

This doesn't have as much to do with this episode of Raw as much as it does with R-Truth in general: I can't get into it.

He's funny, he does ridiculous shit that makes me slap my knees until they're raw (lol pun), he's got The Miz by his side making the most irritating trollfaces a person can muster, but I still don't see him as a guy that wins matches. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony.

Mike Birbiglia does a bit about George Bush and how he's like Wiffle Ball Tony, but I think it applies to R-Truth too:

"I feel like whether you like him or not, Bush seems like a fun guy. He's the kind of guy you invite to the barbecue because you know he's gonna start the whiffle ball game. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony. Like 'Yeah! Whiffle Ball Tony's here! All right! It is SO ON!' And then one day someone's like, 'We're gonna put Tony in charge of everything.' And I'm like 'We are? The burgers and the potato salad? I don't know if that's such a good idea…'"

Y'know? He's hilarious, but should he also be winning things and being portrayed as a threat (because he did a sneak attack that somehow warranted being handcuffed [and a handcuff beatdown from big boss H] and fired) and getting to be a part of the biggest match on PPV since anything ever forever Never Before Never Again Never Give Up Never Going Away Again?!

I don't know. Sometimes I wish he just stayed dead.

Honourable Mention: John Cena's Raw Rebound Gimmick

It's been happening forever, but sometimes I can't hold back the urge to yell about it on the Internet. I can't stand John Cena's gimmick of going out to the ring to record audio for the next video package. Can't you just do it in a soundbooth somewhere? How badly do you need to save time where you're cutting a promo AND obviously just filling in the audio blanks for the Survivor Series intro video. It's infuriating.

Just one time I want him to come out and say "THIS SEASON, ON WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW" and then throw to a video of all the John Cena feuds to come this year.

CANT TELL - JACK SWAGGER EYE TWITCH

I have no idea how I feel about Jack Swagger trying to get an eye twitch over. I'll let you know how I feel after Raw gets Dwayne'd next week.

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR IS RECRUITING DOUCHEBAGS

2011-11-07T14:00:00.005-05:00

EVERYONE RUN

Holy fucking goddamn shit. He's right. The word "intensity" doesn't even begin to describe the epic life-changing event that I experienced when I heard him say his passion in life was "FUCKING PASSION!!!!!"

This video is jam-packed with gibberish, where Warrior tells you to start building your "wall of bodies" (start killing people?!) but also to politely disagree with someone if you don't agree with them (harsh, but fair). The Ghost of Warriors Past also makes several unexplained appearances. Sometimes he's writhing around silently, other times he appears over his own shoulder just looking around at stuff. It's weird. You have to watch this.

Matt Hardy, the ball of utter lunacy is in your court.

MARK HENRY 2010 VS. MARK HENRY 2011

2011-11-02T22:03:00.018-04:00

The years 1995-2009 haven't been very kind to Mark Henry. To summarize, here are his highlights:

1995: Wins gold silver in the Olympic Pan American Games.

1999: Wins is awarded the Intercontinental European Championship by someone cool Jeff Jarrett.

1999-2008: Ten years of nothing goes by.

2008: Wins the ECW Championship. 70 days later he lost it to Matt Hardy.

2009: Befriended MVP.

WOW what a glowing resume.

Now, if you haven't been paying attention lately, you might assume that things are just the same with Mark Henry. Still treading water, still friends with MVP, still showing up whenever Teddy Long says "you'll be facing... THIS MAN" (he was doing that mystery opponent gimmick for a while).

That, however, isn't the case.

I'll let you down slowly. Mark Henry is (wait for it) no longer friends with MVP. Breathe.

Also, Mark Henry is the champion of the fucking WORLD and is suddenly untouchable. Yes. This Mark Henry.

And this Mark Henry.

And this Mark Henry.

The fact that I could keep linking videos until I run out of Internet is a testament to how crazy it is to see Mark Henry as World Champion right now. Somehow, the World's Strongest 40 year old has gone from a professional wrestling sex addict to World Heavyweight Champion in twelve short years. I don't know how he did it. But, you can see the signs of the turnaround as early as January of this year.

Let's take a look at Mark Henry 2010 vs. Mark Henry 2011, month by month, and see what's changed and how he's improved:

ROYAL RUMBLE 2010: Eliminated by R-Truth in the Royal Rumble in 2:24.

ROYAL RUMBLE 2011: Eliminated by New Nexus in 7:04.

How he improved: It took three more guys and four minutes and forty seconds longer for him to get eliminated. Baby steps, Mark. Baby steps.

ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2010: Lost to Ted DiBiase in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match on Raw; accompanied MVP to the ring just to watch him lose on PPV.

ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2011: Did nothing.

How he improved: Doing nothing is obviously better.

WRESTLEMANIA XXVI: Lost a dark match 26-Man Battle Royal to Yoshi Tatsu.

WRESTLEMANIA XXVII: Lost a dark match 23-Man Battle Royal to Great Khali.

How he improved: Khali is taller and wider than Yoshi Tatsu.

EXTREME RULES 2010: Lost a Tag Team Gauntlet Non-Title Match with MVP; he also hit Buzz Aldrin with a steel chair around then.

EXTREME RULES 2011: Did nothing.

How he improved: Doing nothing is still obviously better, although heinously attacking an 81 year old American hero sounds like something 2011 Mark Henry would do.

OVER THE LIMIT 2010: Did nothing.

OVER THE LIMIT 2011: STILL did nothing.

How he improved: It looks like he broke even. However, seeing as this year's Over The Limit featured a Michael Cole/Jerry Lawler "Kiss My Foot" match, Daniel Bryan wrestling the dark match, and CM Punk teaming with Mason Ryan in a losing effort against Kane and the Big Show, being on this show can only be a detriment to Mark Henry as a wrestler. So, it turns out, still better than last year.

FATAL 4-WAY 2010: Did nothing. Also this month, he forgot how chasing works.

CAPITOL PUNISHMENT 2011: Obliterated the Big Show (twice); entered BEAST MODE; Hall of Pain est. June 19th, 2011.

How he improved: By committing gianticide.

MONEY IN THE BANK 2010: Lost the Money In The Bank Ladder Match to The Miz.

MONEY IN THE BANK 2011: Cleanly defeated the Big Show; Henry-lized the Big Show; made Big Show say "AWWGHWHGUUHFFHG FUCK"; didn't talk about having sex with his sister or make-out with a tranny or be given anything by Jeff Jarrett or anything gross and weird like that.

How he improved: I feel like I don't need this part anymore.

SUMMERSLAM 2010: Did nothing.

SUMMERSLAM 2011: Murdered the Great White Sheamus through a barricade to prove that he is the Great Black Mark; impressed Joey Ryan (I think his hilarious reaction was actually just planting the seeds for a Mark Henry/Joey Blalock rematch).

How he improved: Last year he wasn't on the show at all. Not even the dark match. He was barely even on Raw that month. This year he broke a steel barricade by using a person.

NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS 2010: Lost a Tag Team Turmoil Match with Evan Bourne.

NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS 2011: Defeated Acclaimed Wrestling Match Winner Randy Orton to become World Heavyweight Champion.

How he improved: Just to make sure you understand - Becoming World Heavyweight Champion by cleanly beating Randy Orton (with no match restarting tomfoolery, no "if I kick your nuts I win your title" stipulations, Kevin Nash didn't even show up, nothing); Losing a tag team match with Evan Bourne.

HELL IN A CELL 2010: Did nothing.

HELL IN A CELL 2011: Defeated Acclaimed Hell In A Celler Feller Randy Orton to retain his World Heavyweight Championship.

How he improved: Beat Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Title cleanly on Pay-Per-View once, shame on him. Beat Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Title cleanly on Pay-Per-View twice... you... can't get fooled again can't shoot the shooter you... ... uh... NO ONE DOES THAT

BRAGGING RIGHTS 2010: Did nothing, but he was on the poster, tucked behind John Cena, Randy Orton, The Miz and Evan Bourne.

VENGEANCE 2011: Literally exploded the ring with a wrestling move to end his match (this, I'm certain, was the first time this has ever happened); WAS THE POSTER.

Now we're entering uncharted Mark Henry 2011 territory, so I will predict the end of his Pay-Per-View year.

SURVIVOR SERIES 2010: Did nothing.

SURVIVOR SERIES 2011: Will retain his World Heavyweight Championship cleanly; will go back in time and trade bodies with the Undertaker and Tombstone Hulk Hogan on a steel chair, but actually hit his fucking head on it this time; shout "IF I GOTTA TIME MACHINE Y'ALL GONNA FEAR CLOCKS AT NIGHT" or something.

TLC 2010: Did nothing.

TLC 2011: Will retain his World Heavyweight Championship in a TLC Match cleanly; will resurrect Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes to reunite TLC to perform his exit music; conceives child with at least one member of TLC (a callback to his sex addict days); splits the wig of at least one member of TLC; shouts "DON'T GO CHASIN' WATERFALLS BECAUSE I'M THE RIVERBOAT CAPTAIN AND I'M CHARGIN' DOUBLE FOR AQUA ASS WHOOPINS EAT A REEF" to no one.

What does 2012 hold for Mark Henry? I say he treads water no longer. He should either keep escalating his reign of terror and starts wrestling shirtless with mysterious scars all over his body all of a sudden, and he grows his hair and beard out until he's barely recognizable any longer. Or, he has to go back to being a complete sexual deviant and start telling Evan Bourne he's got a pretty laugh.

FUNNIEST SHIT OF ALL TIME: HAWKAMANIA

2011-10-28T16:54:00.007-04:00

My buddy Mike showed me this. It wouldn't be fair to keep such glorious things as Road Warrior Hawk talking about his hamster and stroking Jim Neidhart's beard to myself. SCARY HUH GENE

No one gets me fired up like Hawk. He can make complete gibberish sound threatening, and not in an Ultimate Warrior way, because his gibberish was never threatening. It was a different kind of gibberish. Space gibberish. Hawk's is real life fucking street gibberish. You don't entirely know what he means when he says it, but you know that if you piledrive him, he'll stand right back up and break your arms, or at the very least dump Henry Godwinn on his head.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI - TITLE FOR TITLE, CHAMPION VS. CHAMPION, THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE, SUNDAY AFTERNOON

2011-10-26T13:24:00.005-04:00

Hello! And welcome back to my wrestling blogging website, which apparently only has content once a season that recaps whatever happened while I was gone for that time. I'm sorry I leave you so often, sweet blog. You still love me, right? Why don't we make love anymore? WHATS HIS NAME?

So I'm back again. But let's be honest, I'll probably be gone tomorrow and you won't see me 'til Since I've Been Gone VII - Adrian's Revenge.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI

~~I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME~~ WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

Photo - WWE.com

So after five of these recaps, you might remember that I tend to miss something big while I'm gone. Miz cashing in, WrestleMania XXVII, a nude ~~Tayne~~ John Cena, y'know the important stuff. This time around, I think I caused the thing I missed:

MATT HARDY

OUT-CRAZY'S THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR

WOW. BUDDY. Okay, um, Matt. I want to talk to Matt. Not Matthew. Is Matt in there? No Matt? Only Zuul?

Okay, Zuul, remember in my last blog how I gave you a Coach Taylor pep talk on how you can't let the Ultimate Warrior out-crazy you, and you need to get out there and be the best idiot you can be?

"I think [the Ultimate Warrior] showed up with a YouTube account to remind us that Matt Hardy eating grapes and tazing women isn't enough to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior. Jesus, even John Cena is out-crazying Matt Hardy! What happened Matt? Get on YouTube and show us what you're made of already! I do appreciate you burning your garbage and blowing up aerosol cans or getting bumshit hammered or giving cooking lessons to nobody, but do you think that's enough to keep up with the Ultimate Warrior swearing at a fictional lazy person? Or John Cena getting as naked and veiny as he possibly can and tweeting a picture of himself? NO. NO MATT. NO.

You need to pull yourself up by the cargo pant pockets and prove just who really is the craziest fucking idiot on the Internet. Grab your flipcam, kiss your brother, throw Shannon Moore into a pile of syringes, I don't care. Just be the best idiot you can be. I believe in you." - Me, August 17th, 2011

Remember when I said that?! DUDE I thought you were just going to post a video of you masturbating to your own action figure or something! I didn't think you'd actually take my advice to heart! You don't need to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior or nude Cena, you're your own crazy idiot and that's okay! Whatever happened to grapes? I thought they were the best thing ever?! STICK TO THE GRAPES MATT

Suicide videos and angel blood and DUIs aren't wrestling-crazy; they're actual-crazy. I just wanted you to take my rallying speech and go slip on a banana peel and make me laugh. But no, all you heard was CLEAR EYES FULL HEARTS CAN'T LOSE GO CRAZY VEEE ONEAHHHHHH BE WELL AND UNTIL THEN

KEVIN NASH

HAS AN OLD PERSON MOMENT AND TEXTS HIMSELF

Photo - WWE.com

A large part of me wishes that Kevin Nash texted himself from his own phone and has actually been at home this whole time, and what we've been seeing on TV every Monday since SummerSlam is the maniacal fantasies inside Kevin Nash's mind as he's at home playing with his wrestling toys on his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa. It'd be like the movie Identity (if anyone saw that and can replace the fat mental patient with Big Daddy Cool Diesel). That would at least explain what's been happening over the past few weeks.

So I know I've been gone for a while, and please correct me if I'm wrong here, but this is how I see Kevin Nash's return to the WWE thus far:

- Returns at Royal Rumble, doesn't pull anything, takes that as a sign to make a full comeback

- Thinks about it for half a year (presumably in his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa)

- Texts himself "omg cm punk wtf you're dead lol"

- "Sticks" CM Punk (his hilarious words, not mine)

- Thinks he made wrestling cool again by saying things like "hit the weights" and "get a clue" to CM Punk

- Got into a pretend car accident

- Got spotted by security cameras texting himself (embarrassing)

- Got hired by John Laurinaitis

- Was put into a match against CM Punk by Triple H

- Was replaced in the match against CM Punk by Triple H with Triple H

- Was punched by Triple H and fired by Triple H

- Tried to attack Triple H in the Triple H vs. CM Punk matches at Night of Champions, got sledge'd by Triple H and Triple H pinned CM Punk

- Attacked Triple H at Vengeance

- Attacked Triple H on Raw

- Triple H Triple H Triple H Triple Triple H

- Triple HHHHHHHHHHHHHH Triple HHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH HHHH

- HHHHHH Triple H

- HHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Soooo... yeah. At least CM Punk remained cool through all of this.

...

But then again, who the fuck would, when Triple H literally replaces the guy you're feuding with with himself so he can beat you, and STILL smash the guy you were feuding with in the face, and then go on to fight the guy you were feuding with while you team with Triple H and you're the one getting pinned in your tag team match holy goddamned what the serious fuck.

WWE SUBTLY STATES IT'S OPINION ON OCCUPY WALL STREET

SUBTLETY STILL NOT WWE'S STRONG SUIT

Photo - WWE.com

Hey, I wonder what WWE thinks of the Occupy Wall Street movement. I wonder if they support it, or if think everyone is a big annoying pussy for standing up against oh why would I even finish this thought. I find it completely MIND BLOWING that they would bury their entire roster (save for Triple H who, if you have never seen WWE, is REALLY AWESOME) in favour of making a shitty statement against protesters. If you haven't already, read Razor (of Kick-Out!! Wrestling)'s Fair To Flair article on the subject.

MARK HENRY AND BIG SHOW EXPLODE THE RING

THE SIMPSONS ALREADY DID IT

Photo - WWE.com

The instant Mark Henry and Big Show hit the canvas and smashed the ring into obliteratitry, the internet smashed itself into obliteratitry by shouting about Brock Lesnar and Big Show already breaking the ring eight years ago. This is a classic case of The Simpsons Already Did It, as told by South Park.

Because the WWE has been around for *checks watch* fucking ever, they've done everything. In fact, the entire business of wrestling used to be based on doing the exact same thing night-in, night-out in a different city every day (twice on Sundays © Ric Flair). But now, because the WWE is a global brand on TV in over 38796 countries (did you know?) unleashing anywhere from 6-12 hours of BRAND NEW programming every insufferable week, things kind of end up repeating once you do that for over fifty years (the revolutionary force in sports entertainment).

By the way, not only did Brock Lesnar and Big Show ALREADY explode the ring eight years ago, I'm pretty sure Kevin Nash has hit Triple H with a sledgehammer before. If exploding the ring is the point you're going to raise in support of "WWE has no new ideas" you are weird.

FURTHERMORE, if two people that weigh as much as Brock Lesnar and Big Show combined broke the ring with a superplex, then that ring better fucking explode when Big Show and Mark Henry do the same thing. If anything we should be praising WWE for establishing something eight years ago and following through on it. Ha?

FAIR TO FLAIR QUARTERLY #2

NOW OUT!

I can't do my first post in two months and not mention Fair To Flair. The second issue, which Jason Mann and I previewed a few months ago in this podcast, is now available to order in both physical and digital formats. AND you can also preview the articles that make up the new Quarterly by going here. I, once again, am not a part of this one, but wholeheartedly support it.

FTF has also expanded to include Garcian Smith (hey!). And one day I'll show up there again! Holy crap I've been gone forever.

DAVID OTUNGA GETS NEW GIMMICK

AND A THERMAL COFFEE MUG

This is only important because he is hilarious. BOWTIE

ALSO

OTHER THINGS

Photo - WWE.com

Considering my last post was August 17th, I've missed like 90 hours (barely exaggerating) of WWE TV. And that doesn't even count other promotions, OR things that don't happen on-screen, which means I've missed A LOT. Like Cody Rhodes bringing back the classic Intercontinental Title or ROH's debut TV show or Raw becoming a SuperShow or Smackdown remaining a Normalshow or Super Dragon returning or Teddy Hart inventing a promotion that is exactly like the kind of promotion Teddy Hart would invent or the WWE launching a cable network in like five months or James Storm winning the TNA Title or TNA still being a thing or Jim Ross being humiliated (hey another thing the ~~Simpsons~~ WWE already did) or John Morrison almost certainly tweeting about his plan to masturbate or Evil Sin Cara or Camo Big Show or Rise Above Hate Anti-Bully Bully John Cena or Wax Undertaker or Chocolate Kane or Cyborg Alex Riley okay I'm making some of these up but I missed SO MANY THINGS. SO MANY.

See you in fourteen months or whenever.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE V - WTF THOUGHT I WAS DEAD LOL EDITION

2011-08-17T13:22:00.005-04:00

Hello anyone who has stuck with me despite my sporadic, lengthy and unexplained disappearances. If you continue to read my blog (or Tumblr or Twitter or anything I do on Fair To Flair) even after I abandon it for weeks upon weeks of International super-benders, you are my hero and I thank you. But, I can't promise it won't happen again. I could up and leave at anytime. I'm like your step dad. Unless if you have a step dad that really does leave you all the time. In that case, I'm something less offensive. Because I'd never really leave you! I love you! C'mon, let's go have a catch.

But then after that I gotta go out for smokes (don't wait up). Love you!

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE

~~I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME~~ WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

Photo - WWE.com

During my leave of absence (fifth one, if I counted correctly), as per usual, something HUGE happened and I missed it. For once can't nothing happen while I'm gone? Just send Melina out there to make faces for a few hours, no one will notice a difference. WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S FIRED?

While I try to accept this tragic loss, let's recap what I missed on my four previous wrestling-less sabbaticals:

SIBG 1: Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler, MOTY at Bragging Rights

SIBG 2: The Miz cashes in, wins WWE Title

SIBG 3: Matt Hardy gets dreadlocks

SIBG 4: WrestleMania XXVII

SIBG 5: The biggest event of the summer, not without controversy or John Cena putting it all out there for the WWE Universe...

~~SUMMERSLAM 2011~~ JOHN CENA EXPOSES SELF ON TWITTER

WE CAN ALL SEE YOU NOW EW

Photo - John Cena's outbox of shame

Here's the part where I, a grown-up man (as grown-up as a wrestling fan on the Internet can be), talk about John Cena's penis (which conveniently rhymes; I expect him to use it in one of his rapping songs [he still does rap songs, right?]). Well, not really his penis. More like his penis region.

For those who don't know (and if you don't know, it's probably a testament to your character as a citizen of the world), John Cena tweeted a very sexualized picture of himself (uh, on purpose). It depicts him completely naked in the mirror, with the photo cutting off just before U Can't See his penis.

I'm not going to call this appalling or offensive or whatever, but I will give you my first, immediate thought:

THIS IS FUCKING WEIRD.

It literally gave me the "heebie jeebies" (eye cancer).

I just found it so bizarre, ESPECIALLY because it came in a string of tweets where he was answering fans' questions, some of which were asking about a future heel turn. He responded in classic John Cena form by saying, essentially "I am me. I do what I do, and you decide my fate" blah blah blah, where he says he's always the same and it's up to the fans whether they like him or not. Then he tweets a picture of his cock. HE'S GONE FULL HEEL! OR AT LEAST HALF-CHUB HEEL.

The weirdest part about it is how WWE TV and John Cena himself have made a point of letting us know that children love John Cena. Obviously women love Cena too, but it's the children that Cena has literally (literally literally!) defended on television. He's given speeches about how proud he is to be a hero to children and how if kids like him it shouldn't be a detriment to him as a man. This all happened recently. He's a saviour to Little Jimmies everywhere, and maybe he wanted to show us his Little Jimmy I DON'T KNOW. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.

Let me put it this way. Had Shawn Michaels tweeted a picture of his penis region (or say, posed in Playgirl), I would be totally on board, because he is called a Sexy Boy; I know what I'm getting into. But if John Cena tweets a picture of his SuperDick, I might go, "hey, um, what the FUCK?!"

I'm trying to imagine what it would be like if Hulk Hogan or Steve Austin tweeted a sexualized naked picture of themselves to their fans, but my brain won't allow me to ruin all of wrestling for myself, so that's not happening. And it's one thing if it was a picture (like this one, or this one) that was dug up and posted on the internet by rabid fans. This was tweeted straight from the SuperHorse's fingertips.

Very strange and out of character both in and out of character.

Also very veiny.

The end.

SUMMERSLAM 2011

THE SECOND BIGGEST EVENT OF THE SUMMER

Photo - WWE.com

While I would love to write several paragraphs about Sheamus vs. Mark Henry or John Cena vs. CM Punk or Kelly Kelly impressing the shit out of everybody, I've already wasted about 90,000 words on John Cena's upper taint. So, instead, I'll point you in the direction of some fantastic reviews of the show, and then you can come back here to read about the most important figures in pro wrestling today, the Ultimate Warrior and Matt Hardy.

THE BEST AND WORST OF SUMMERSLAM 2011 BY BRANDON STROUD (WITH LEATHER)

I rep Brandon Stroud on this blog just a little bit less than Matt Hardy, but it's still an embarrassing amount. Go read his reviews. Derrick Bateman reads them. Do it for Derrick Bateman. Do it for Chicks and America. Do it for Maxine. That last part is for people who follow NXT, which may or may not include Derrick Bateman or Brandon Stroud or myself even.

SUMMERSLAM 2011 BY RAZOR (FAIR TO FLAIR, KICK-OUT!! WRESTLING)

In addition to abandoning this blog for several weeks, I also went missing from Fair To Flair. Thankfully, fellow FTF contributor Razor was there to make fun of WWE Cock Rock and Cee Lo Green, as well as give a very positive and fair (to flair) review.

HOW TO MAKE SOME FANS HAPPY, HOW TO MAKE SOME FANS UPSET BY K. SAWYER PAUL (FAIR TO FLAIR, INTERNATIONAL OBJECT)

In addition to changing gimmicks at blinding speed, K. Sawyer Paul has also provided the most succinct review of SummerSlam in two clever posts. He's also been taking over the sidebar of Fair To Flair with exactly what he promised - the best wrestling stories on the Internet. I can wholeheartedly say that if The Dirtsheets was a VHS tape of wrestling news, I'd be taping over that shit with Int'l Object even if I wasn't a part of FTF.

THE MASKED MAN (GRANTLAND, UH, TWITTER)

He doesn't have an article on SummerSlam, but his thoughts on Twitter are absolutely worth scrolling through. The Masked Man has brought wrestling writing to mainstream sports blogs like Deadspin, as well as Grantland, where he writes about wrestling alongside the likes of Chuck Klosterman and Bill Simmons. He also gives roommate reactions on Twitter, which provides such gems of insight as "He looks like a date rapist (roommate on The Miz)".

EDIT: Grantland just posted The Masked Man's SummerSlam article, Back to Unreality.

SEVERAL SUMMERSLAM POSTS! BY TOM HOLZERMAN (FAIR TO FLAIR, THE WRESTLING BLOG)

I'd be hard-pressed not to mention my blogging Brosa Mendes who wrote a review of SummerSlam, as well as individual posts about Sheamus/Mark Henry, Kelly Kelly and Commercials on PPV. If you want to read about SummerSlam, TH has every angle covered.

ULTIMATE WARRIOR

SMOKING ASS, OR SOMETHING? I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING ABOUT A GENIUS REAPER.

I think he showed up with a YouTube account to remind us that Matt Hardy eating grapes and tazing women isn't enough to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior. Jesus, even John Cena is out-crazying Matt Hardy! What happened Matt? Get on YouTube and show us what you're made of already! I do appreciate you burning your garbage and blowing up aerosol cans or getting bumshit hammered or giving cooking lessons to nobody, but do you think that's enough to keep up with the Ultimate Warrior swearing at a fictional lazy person? Or John Cena getting as naked and veiny as he possibly can and tweeting a picture of himself? NO. NO MATT. NO.

RING OF HONOR + PRO WRESTLING GUERRILLA

TV TAPINGS, DBD IX, STEEN VS. FINLAY

Photo - ROHWrestling.com

ROH taped their first show for the Sinclair Broadcasting Group this past weekend. I didn't read spoilers, since I will be able to watch the show on my actual TV (September 24th), which makes me happy. Okay, I did read one spoiler, but it had nothing to do with match outcomes, so that's fine.

Ring Of Honor also announced the first match for Death Before Dishonor IX in New York this September, which will feature Roderick Strong and Eddie Edwards in a "Ringmaster Challenge" match, that has nothing to do with both guys getting managed by Ted DiBiase and wearing white boots. It's a Two Out of Three Falls match where the first fall can only be won by pinfall, the second fall can only be won by submission, and the third fall, if necessary (it'll be necessary), will be a 15 minute Iron Man match. This will be the kind of match for fans with workrate boners, and they're letting you know ahead of time.

PWG's 2011 Battle of Los Angeles is happening this Saturday, with Kevin Steen vs. Fit FUCKING Finlay as the most notable match on the card. I don't think there's anything left to say. This is going to be the realest shit ever forever hyperbole ever.

HULK HOGAN

REGRETS INVESTING IN MEATBALL MACHINE

Thank you dirtsheets for providing me with this headline, and the endless laughter. You will never top this. Never.

...

That is all.

CM PUNK AND CHUCK TAYLOR: KINDRED SPIRITS

2011-07-26T15:24:00.003-04:00

If you haven't seen it already, here is CM Punk surprising Cousin Sal's son on Jimmy Kimmel Live (hilarious):

As awesome as that was, I don't think anyone will ever top Chuck Taylor when it comes to harassing small children in pro wrestling:

On second thought, no one will ever top this guy. BOOK THIS DAD

07/11/11 RAW REVIEW: CM PUNK = VOICE OF THE VOICELESS (ICE CREAM BARS HAVE NO VOICE)

2011-07-15T02:01:00.003-04:00

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website with essays and articles and podcasts and an actual book (think Internet you can touch!) that we release four times a year, which we call the Fair To Flair Quarterly. You can purchase the first Quarterly here (in both book and digital book formats), and listen to a podcast detailing the upcoming second Quarterly here.

I'm a regular contributor at FTF (mainly for Raw reviews, like this one) along with co-founders Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling, as well as Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and my blogging Dick Bro-go TH of The Wrestling Blog.

Now, hit my music from atop a mountain with that Brahma Bull witchcraft.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 07/11/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com, Edit - F Yeah WWE Wrestling

Dear readers of Fair To Flair and lovers of pizza and body slams (what a maneuver!) everywhere,

I refuse to review anything on Raw this week involving CM Punk.

There’s a point in my wrestling-watching life when I go back and rewatch certain promos and get the same amount of goosebumps each time, and simply can’t say anything about it to make it better/funnier/more interesting/etc.

Instead, I will just link you to some CM Punk gifs (like this one or this one or this one or this one and look at this one or maybe even just this one jpeg where six months ago CM Punk told us not blink for the next six months holy crap), watch the PPV on Sunday, and feel like I’m eleven years old again discovering my body getting caught up in pro wrestling.

Signed,

Mitch (PIZZABODYSLAM)

CM PUNK TALKED ME INTO THE BUILDING

Okay, I lied. Sometimes you gotta say just one thing about thing you love so much you don’t want to ruin it by saying too many things about it. So, ahem:

I LOVE THIS.

I wish I had video of myself on the literal edge of my seat as Punk managed to go from funny to serious in a totally non-John Cena way, and from loved to hated in a totally organic way, even if he was just running down the city they were in. It was so perfect. I shrieked when Cena punched him. I’ve watched it at least three times since, and I (as mentioned above) still get goosebumps.

That’s all I want to say. I don’t want to dissect or analyze or speculate or fantasy book or do anything that could ruin Sunday for me. So I’m going to close my eyes and plug my ears until then, goodbye.

But first, large men falling down:

MARK HENRY VS. BIG SHOW: RAMPAGE WORLD TOUR

Anyone else love this feud?

Like, just the feud. I don’t mean the matches or the anticipation I feel when either one of them is about to do something (I feel nothing). I mean the actual concept of this feud, where both Mark Henry and Big Show, week-in and week-out attempt to destroy something more hilarious (like Mark Henry throwing a man just INTO THE AIR) or participate in some hilarious stunt that escalates by the week. It’s like they’re picking who hits first in baseball by going hand-over-hand on a bat until one of them sneaks their fat finger on the top of the handle. Except the bat is Drew McIntyre.

Can I ask what exactly we are to believe Big Show and Mark Henry fell on, if not just cardboard boxes with a tablecloth on it? I love the wrestling logic of the black tablecloth, as if it’s supposed to make whatever compressible material they have beneath it disappear. Why couldn’t they have fallen on that spark machine that’s always found near the stage? That’s fun AND illogical. Everyone loves sparks. Everyone except Jeff Hardy, if you remember that one time when he danced out too many fireworks.

KELLY KELLY IS MY FAVOURITE KIND OF HILARIOUS: ACCIDENTALLY!

Four seconds into her match on Raw she managed to find herself on the ground with her arms wrapped around her own body in a “quit hugging yourself” bully-type move. YOU ARE THE CHAMPION. No champion of anything, potentially even the World Self-Hugging Champion, could manage to fall down, get spun around and tied up in a Johnny Saint knot four seconds into a match.

Then again, no champion of anything would rub their butthole in the face of their opponent. Okay, maybe John Cena and Randy Orton would, but apparently they can get away with it.

Kelly Kelly also may have legitimized the wrestling stomp. The way she was selling the stompdown the Bellas were giving her, it was as if they were stomping her organs into OBLITERATITRY. Thank God Eve was there to save her jump on her own face.

Honourable Mention: R-Truth and spiders, apparently.

He insinuated that if the Money In The Bank briefcase has any spiders in it, he will shit himself. I probably would too. Because what the actual ****, RON

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 07/11/11

DISLIKED...

DAVID OTUNGA, TAG TEAM CHAMPION

OH. MAN. You suck. You might be the worst tag team wrestler to ever hold the belts like three times or whatever unbelievable number it is.

John Cena, famous serial murderer of World Tag Team Champions, is down in the corner and the referee has his back turned. Here’s your chance, David. C’mon buddy, take it to ‘im! Use that handicap advantage like the Tag Team Champion you are! Here we gooooo AAAANNND! WOW. Wow. Just a soft little kick. One little tap. Like a gentle nudge. The referee is still turned around, you could go back and…no? You’re good? Okay. Cool. Cool.

Maybe, instead of Googling yourself, you should Google tag team wrestling and learn how to **** a person up when you have the chance, and then John Cena wouldn’t wrestle you to death and blow you a tiny kiss at the end of it all.

YOU WANNA TOUCH MY SISTER?!?!??

Such a weird thing to say.

The Bella Twins deliver promos like evil, teenaged Sweeney Sisters. The teenaged part is when they start the promo with “Wait, hold on, um, hellooooo…wow” and reference Katy Perry Proactiv commercials. The Sweeney Sisters part is when they trade one-liners and look to the crowd for a reaction, and generally receive none, and mix up Kelly Kelly with Katy Perry. The evil part is how you can look but you can’t touch (but you probably could).

But, I will give them credit: they annoy the ever-loving shit out of me. So, kudos?

Yes, kudos. I’ve decided they get the kudos. Because Melina also annoys me to no foreseeable end (what were those melty crazed duck faces she was making at the start of the match?), but is never on TV so my hate for her goes unsolved. At least I get to see the Bellas get slapped around every once and a while.

The only kudos I’ll give Melina (I’m giving a lot of backhanded kudos here) is that she sold Kelly Kelly’s Fame-Asser/Rocker Dropper finisher like instant death. The way she laid there made me wish she stayed there like CM Punk did that one time, except the show would have to continue and everyone would have to wrestle around her.

MICROPHONE PARADE

Seven guys lining up to interrupt each other is funny any way you look at it.

Logically, in order to come out in time, they had to be near each other backstage before they went out. I like to think that they asked each other what they had to say, then started scrambling for loose microphones because they disagreed with one another.

Part of me wishes this was a never-ending microphone parade (it almost was), and they just ran out the rest of the show with the Great Khali taking exception to something Mason Ryan said in disagreement with Black Ref who came out to challenge Man Mountain Rock who interrupted the ramblings of me who took this joke too far.

Honourable Mention: Dolph Ziggler has charisma I swear.

Did anyone watch that season of NXT where he was constantly ad-libbing from the stage and elbow-dropping novelty foam hats? He’s hilarious! Let him say things and act the way he normally would instead of having him make bad breath/possum diaper vomit jokes.

I have no real knowledge as to how much of any wrestling promo is scripted or not scripted. But just based on how humans work, I can confidently say that some people are better at being given “lines” and delivering them, while other people are better at saying what they want to say. Or something. I don’t know. Line?

Honourable Honourable Mention: I almost forgot.

It looks like they’re having bad dreams in bed together.

07/04/11 RAW REVIEW: JOHN CENA, AMERICAN MALE

2011-07-15T01:21:00.005-04:00

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that focuses on writing and editing and never has any tyops at all. I'm a regular contributor at FTF (mainly for Raw reviews, like this one, which I will get to after plugging everyone I know on the Internet).

With me are co-founders Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling, as well as Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and my blogging D-Bro Brown TH of The Wrestling Blog. Give Fair To Flair a read, and I specifically suggest checking out the first-ever Fair To Flair Quarterly, an actual book that you can touch and read in the real world out there, or if you prefer melting your balls with your laptop for 14 hours a day like I do, it's also available in several digital formats!

Now, onto my review of the July 4th edition of Monday Night Raw, a show celebrating America and butt humour (mostly butt humour).

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 07/04/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

SHE FELL ON HER BOTTOM INTO SOME CAKE

Right in the face of all the fat jokes Jerry Lawler can Google (he might still use Alta Vista), Vickie Guerrero was ****ing hilarious on Raw. That is my favourite kind of humour (not the butt humour [although lol butts] but [lol but] stay with me for a second plz wait stop).

No, not the falling on to her bottom (and then onto her boobies) into a decorative cake part; the singing to Dolph Ziggler part, where she is COMPLETELY UNAWARE that maybe the fans might not like what she’s doing.

I love the heel who is one hundred percent blind to the fact that their actions may in fact upset the people paying to see the show. Vickie was SO offended by the booing:

“HOW RUDE. I’m just trying to sing a happy birthday song to America and Dolph Ziggler when it’s not really his birthday, all while you’re waiting for someone to come out and beat us up and make good pro-wrestling use of this here cake that I suppose I expect Dolph to consume in its entirety, because otherwise why did I make a whole huge cake for a one-person party. EXCUSE MEEEE.”

Bonus points to the guy in the front row who stood up RIGHT AS Vickie said “everyone stand up.” Double bonus points to this kid’s psychotic thumbs down.

R-TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

We can now add Flo and Señor Jimmy to R-Truth’s ever-expanding, Bruce Springsteen-like universe (not to be confused with the Bruce Springsteen Universe, his legion of fans) of fictional characters. So that’s Flo, Señor Jimmy, Little Jimmy, Big Jimmy (was there ever a Medium Jimmy? Let’s just round up the whole Jimmy Family), and of course his long lost son, who, bad news…is still lost. The good news is, his estranged father just saved money on car insurance by switching to Geico.

R-Truth inexplicably plugging Geico (and referencing a SECOND INSURANCE COMPANY, which went over my head but did not go over others’) adds yet another layer to his perpetually deteriorating psyche. Yes. A layer added to a psyche that’s deteriorating. Maybe I’m crazy too?

Speaking of Señor Jimmy, did anyone else notice that fan who made a Señor Jimmy sign MID-SHOW? How over are you (or, rather, how over are the random things you say) when you don’t have to wait until next week to see if the fans put your new catchphrase on a sign, because they’re rabidly arts and crafts-ing them right there in the audience?

3 SECONDS OF ZACK RYDER

Man! Zack Ryder is finally ge—

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 07/04/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

JOHN CENA: PROUD ‘MURICAN, UNABASHED JORTS ENTHUSIAST

If there’s one thing I thought this ****ING EPIC CM Punk story needed, it was John Cena coming out on Independence Day to defend the First Amendment and talk about his jorts until Vince McMahon started half-shooting about Hogan, followed by Cena pretend shooting about crowd signs and Daniel Bryan. Vince said he’ll fire John Cena if he loses and man I wonder what will happen will Cena be Free or Fired now because he loves America and the WWE and my brain has strated too shut off nowwnknfj…

I appreciate the execution of it all. Vince McMahon is one of my favourite people to listen to speak about anything, even more so nowadays as his voice is getting gurglier and his suits are getting powderier. John Cena wasn’t crappy and didn’t let even one wiener joke slip out. But I still hate this new, completely unnecessary twist that has been shoehorned in to what was an awesome story to begin with.

Why do we need John Cena’s stupid job on the line AGAIN? It’s already been established that it doesn’t matter if he gets fired, because if he gets fired he’ll just keep showing up until he tricks someone into putting his job back on the line again and then he adjusts their attitude and I’m back my time is now, this is all i got, ad infinitum.

I (and I assume most people) now expect one of two things to happen at Money In The Bank:

1. John Cena wins.
2. CM Punk wins, MITB winner cashes in immediately.
3. YOU STUPID OLD MAN I’M A SNAKE

Either way, we don’t get a “CENA’S FREEEEEE” story so soon after the last one, and Punk still leaves without the belt.

Before the firing angle was thrown in, there was at least some faint possibility of Punk winning and walking away somehow. Not for real (it’s real to me, etc.), but in the story. Now it feels like they’ve handcuffed themselves just so they could have some kind of “shocking” ending to a taped Raw. But then again, it could be something else altogether, because I am routinely wrong in predicting the thing I’ve been watching for twenty years or whatever it is, can’t really remember because I’ve been watching wrestling for twenty years of whatever (can’t really remember) and my brain is now a soft goo sloshing around in my head.

AND ANOTHER THING

VIDEO PACKAGE OF CM PUNK SAYING THINGS THAT GOT HIS MIC CUT OFF MADE BY THE PEOPLE WHO CUT HIS MIC OFF

Can someone please explain this to me?

What possible benefit is there from making a video for this feud? There’s a like a week left until they fight, and people know what the Internet is, so let them go there to find out what Punk said, instead of you editing clips of CM Punk’s voice skipping and coloured bars from Stamford together to illustrate how you don’t want him to say the things he’s saying but you’re happy to edit the things he’s saying into a video package.

Just let the announcers use their sombre announcer voice to tell us that CM Punk is suspended for the things he said, and now we’ll move on with the show. The angle generated more than enough interest to carry the feud without a crappy video package. But no. No. NO. Everyone needs a T-shirt and theme music and a cameo on George Lopez Tonight and a video package or else people won’t know that they’re watching a stupid wrestling show.

Sometimes I just wish that logic would supersede the WWE template for more than one week. Other times I wish I could dial back the rage in order to make clear-headed comments on the show but USEDA IS A ROOSTA FROM BREWSTA AND WE CAN’T ALL GET WHAT WE WANT NOW CAN WE?!

… sorry.

Either way, it doesn’t really matter for me. I’ve already bought the show in my mind and no amount of John Cena Free or Feast or Fired angles could undo that.

Now onto the important stuff.

KELLY KELLY’S BUTT IS RUBBING OFF ON EVE

Either Kelly Kelly is somehow convincing Eve that using your butthole to attack a person is much more effective than Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, or Eve is just absorbing Kelly’s butt-powers through Tag Team Osmosis. I prefer the scenario where Kelly mentors Eve:

Kelly: Hmm, so you do a standing moonsault?

Eve: I try.

Kelly: Why don’t you try butt****ing the air right before jumping?

Eve: BRILLIANT, now let’s walk to the ring smiling and laughing.

Let’s get Kelly Kelly to involve her butt in every move in her arsenal (lol arse). Or maybe she should just keep getting more and more vulgar with her offense until she’s just hurling her vagina at people like she’s the female Danshoku Dino of the WWE.

Or, at the very least, she should start RKOing people.

Honourable Mention: Wrestling.

Maybe this should’ve been way up there in the WOO!—but in actuality, it probably should’ve been right in the middle. And usually that’s not something I write about. But everything felt so…normal. Nothing stood out as awesome (the only inadvertent noise I made aloud was when Alberto Del Rio did his trademark—or Vintage, as Michael Cole quipped. Also, let’s give him a year in the company before we break out the Vintage line maybe—tumble through the ropes), but nothing stood out as terrible, and that to me makes it the worst. If it’s terrible, then I can laugh and crack wise with myself at least (I need to stop watching this show alone).

Honourable Honourable Mention: Taped shows that are normally live shows.

Even if you avoid spoilers, taped shows are the worst. The editing is way weirder (take Miz and Riley’s backslide), the flow (FLO!) is totally different, and a lot of it is just unexplainable. When a show is live, you really do feel like anything can happen in the World Wrestling Federation for over fifty years the revolutionary force in Sports Entertainment (even though it can’t really but I WANT TO BELIEVE), but when a show is taped all of that is lost.

Honourable Honourable Honourable Mention: Big Andy needs to take his silent rage to a public subway.

On one last note, have you ever really watched Edge’s first titantron video? We all remember the screaming and yelling and running and stuff, but there’s a part where he’s just reaching in a car window grabbing and shaking a guy. And there’s another part where he throws a chop to the belly of some random guy on the street. It’s AMAZING.

Someone gif that up, send it my way and I’ll have a giggle fit in your honour.

06/27/11 RAW ROULETTE REVIEW: PUNK'S MAGNUM OPUS, ALSO SHAWN MICHAELS VS. NATURE

2011-07-15T00:32:00.005-04:00

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that "gets it" because writers don't use the phrase "gets it" (well at least I don't because I get it, and if you catch one of the other guys using it then I can't be held accountable for them not getting it, but maybe they get it and just use "gets it" to "get" under my "skin" I can't stop "quoting"'"").

I'm a regular contributor at FTF (mainly for Raw reviews, much like this one), along with co-founders Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling, as well as Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and my blogging Shing-bro TH of The Wrestling Blog. Give Fair To Flair a peek, and may I specifically suggest checking out the first-ever Fair To Flair Quarterly, a REAL LIFE BOOK (and fake life digital "book") containing fan-and-staff-written essays on professional wrestling.

Keep your eye out for the second Quarterly, coming soon to a laptop near you (presumably, your laptop). In fact, you can listen to a podcast previewing the upcoming "live experiences" Quarterly that Jason Mann and I did a little bit ago. It features live audio from ROH Best In The World 2011, as I attended it and crapped myself, but managed to salvage the audio for you. I did it for you. I also did it for The Rock.

WOW. Okay. So, enough plugs. Let's get down to that review that I wrote three weeks ago and am posting here only now because I don't know why.

Buy Five Hour Energy.

RAW ROULETTE

LIKED...

KELLY KELLY GETS A BIG WIN

Kelly won, she’s improving in the ring lately. Good to see Eve still doing stuff. ***1/2

KOFI KINGSTON VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER

They wrestled and it was a match ***3/4

BOOKER T SPINNING THE Rawjkkwdmcmjjjjjjj

ksqsjnnc kdsn wkkfnm,wa **1/2

…

..,,,.l, ,

WHAT AM I DOING?!

My mind was erased after CM Punk reached through the goddamned TV and grabbed every one of us by the balls. I legitimately forgot that anything else happened before Punk’s ****ing MAGNUM OPUS, and that’s okay, because talking about anything but CM Punk at this point seems completely pointless. I mean, who wants to hear my thoughts on Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler on a night when CM Punk doesn’t turn a microphone into a pipebomb?

But, conversely, what can I say about CM Punk that hasn’t already been said? By fans? Wrestlers? Writers? Bloggers? Super popular non-wrestling blogs? People that have jobs that don’t have anything to do with wrestling and believe it to be real? EVERYONE is talking about CM Punk (he’s so hot right now), and I don’t need to tell you why. I could, but that would almost certainly fill up an entire WOO! section because that promo was so WOO! that we’d all OD on WOO! (you know it).

More importantly, I pretty much don’t even want to think about this. I don’t want anyone telling me why it’s a worked shoot or why he’s leaving or why he’s staying or anything else. I want to watch the Summer of Punk sequel and let the goosebumps take over, because it’s extremely rare in today’s mainstream wrestling world to find something to watch that you are obsessed with.

So, I’ve decided that I’ve come full circle and will talk about everything but CM Punk. Except for, y’know, all that stuff I just said.

Now back to Shawn Michaels, moose hunter.

MACMILLAN RIVER ADVENTURES!

I find it hilarious that Shawn Michaels, the character, dresses in sequins and chaps and does a sexy dance, while Shawn Michaels the man (Michael Hickenbottom, I suppose) dresses in hunting apparel and kills bears on the Falconer channel. It’s an incredible juxtaposition that also somehow represents in a nutshell what I love about wrestling.

The preview for MacMillan River Adventures on Raw lead me to believe that they’ll be constantly splicing clips of moose and other woodland creatures running in terror from Shawn Michaels, with clips of HBK dancing and kicking people’s teeth down their throats. I want to believe that the show will be a sixty-minute montage highlighting Shawn’s most awesome moonsaults and most gruesome deer headshots, but I feel like I’ll be let down when I tune in. And I’ve seen enough funny pictures of Shawn Michaels posing with dead bears (here, here or here) or caught fish (here, here) or whatever other hunter things he does that I’ve reached my quota and will never watch his show. Y’know, unless people start linking me to hilarious clips of him skinning big horns and gyrating his hips or something. Then I’ll never not watch.

MARK HENRY VS. CAGE DOOR, WALL

Mark Henry and cage doors have a storied history. He’s getting better as time goes on. You can practically see the Sims learning meter above his head as he fumbles with that thing. But I am happy that they’re doing exactly what I want with Mark Henry - have him break down random objects like he’s Blanka taking apart a car in between stages in Street Fighter.

Or maybe he could make a cameo on Shawn Michaels’ show and corner avalanche moose for fun.

BOOKER T RECAPS RAW IN REAL TIME

At first, I was hesitant to the idea that Booker T would be replacing Candice Michelle’s boobs as the official Raw Roulette wheel spinner. But then he starting delivering raving, speed-induced recaps of every segment after every segment to the people who JUST saw it. It’s like he was trying to sell us on the show we were already watching. I was dying. Maryse couldn’t even process what was happening.

And never mind Booker T’s Kane-summoning powers. “AWWWW the question mark you know what the question mark means right there the question mark means that you got a mystery opponent just kidding Kane’s right here already HIT THE MUSIC right there”

Honourable Mention: Rey Mysterio, Alex Riley and the MEGA COMBO FINISH.

I just got back from New York where I saw ROH Best In The World live and in person, and I’m pretty sure that that combo would’ve put Davey Richards away. Well, maybe (definitely) not. But in WWE’s universe (not to be confused with the WWE Universe), you can lose to any kind of move where you and your opponent just jump and fall down.

I’m pretty sure that Swagger was out after the kick to the head, but that was followed by a 619, an Edgecution DDT, a top rope splash, an apron 2K1 bomb and a crossbow killshot from Shawn Michaels, moose hunter.

Honourable Mention Not Needed Mentioning Again But Here I Go: CM Punk.

It’s officially a one-man show.

RAW ROULETTE

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

I REMEMBER A TIME WHEN TEXT MESSAGES AND WHEELS DIDN’T DECIDE THE MATCHES OF A WRESTLING SHOW

And that’s a time when an invisible man in the sky with a Gmail account decided the matches. Can we go back to that? WE HAVE TO GO BAAACK

CM Punk recently tried to bring some legitimacy back to the WWE’s match-making process. He came out to the ring and declared that he beat Rey Mysterio, someone who barely ever loses, and John Cena, the WWE Champion, and claimed that he should then be named the #1 Contender to the WWE Championship. But of course, that Anonymous GM chimed in to remind Punk that it doesn’t work that way. It works in whatever way he, the invisible man in the sky, decides, because this is professional wrestling and everyone knows that best way to get what you want is to break into the champion’s home and assault his family or something.

I just want them to reel back the wackiness. Just a bit. Either that, or turn it up to eleven and let the South Park Family Guy manatees pick the matches on Raw next week, and we’ll finally get the Undertaker vs. Eve & Dean Ambrose Handicap Halftime Heat Street Fight Pillow Fight Over The Top Off With The Top Match I’ve been waiting for.

SIN CARA VS. EVAN BOURNE

EEP. Before you judge me (don’t judge me), it’s not what you think.

I thought the match was fun and was exactly what we need more of in WWE today (maybe minus the stripper lighting): wrestling that isn’t predictable beat-by-beat. What I didn’t like was how it didn’t click in that perfect way, and how the announcers didn’t really seem to know how to put it over as it began (“pff, what’re they doing, WRESTLING?!”). I’m worried that because it wasn’t the five-and-a-half star, white-hot DGUSA speedfest that was expected by some, they won’t get to do it again.

I’m also worried that from the way his head bounced off the mat during the finish, Evan Bourne’s going to be the one “without face.” HAAHAH? …

BIG SHOW WOW YOU ARE FIRED UP OKAY PLEASE STOP

Dear The Big Show,

Please refrain from coming out to the ring like you’re in Bring It On 8 and you’re super jazzed to win the big cheering competition. I literally had to rewind your big stupid raindance just to annoy myself. Don’t make me get Kurt Angle to tranquilize you. Or Shawn Michaels to crossbow your teeth down your throat.

Signed,

Aside: Michael Cole running down the laundry list of Big Show’s ailments was hilarious. “First, he got run over by an automobile. Then he was put through the announce table. Then he contracted typhoid. And now this.”

Honourable Mention: Alex Riley silent treatment.

Riley Shelton Benjamin’d himself to the top rope AND did Naomichi Marufuji’s running kick on the outside where he lands on the apron - and no one said a word. I’m not saying Riley is NEXT WORLD CHAMP BEST IN THE WORLD or anything, but I found it odd.

Dishonourable Honourable Mention: The crowd, Power Rangers.

Sometimes pro wrestling crowds are irritating. Take chanting “Power Ranger” at Sin Cara, for example. I SO BADLY want a cartoon or kids show of some kind to come out that can at least update that ****ing insult. Power Ranger? Power Ranger. REALLY. Has no other person dressed up in bright colours and fought people since the Might Morphin Mother****ing Power Rangers were on TV? If Sin Cara really was a Power Ranger, sparks would fly out of his chest whenever he ****ed up in the ring. SO THERE.

Shawn Michaels is the real Power Ranger anyway.

06/20/11 RAW REVIEW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE (KIND OF, NOT REALLY)

2011-06-22T22:08:00.004-04:00

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that focuses on writing and podcasts and only a third of the spyware you'll find at the leading pro wrestling websites. I'm a regular contributor at FTF (Raw reviews, like this one), along with co-founders Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art (and now our newest addition, my blogging Kenny Bromega TH of The Wrestling Blog).

You should check Fair To Flair out, if you haven't already. Razor just uploaded a podcast with Jeff Katz, TH named Sheamus vs. Christian as the Match of the Week, Jason has a podcast going up tomorrow where he speaks with Graham Cawthon of The History of the WWE and K. Sawyer Paul put together the frigging first Quarterly, which you can and should (but don't let me tell you what to do) buy here.

Now onto the thing that you probably have already read at Fair To Flair, but I'm posting here for no reason other than to link you to this video of Matt Hardy giving his thoughts on fire.

Holy fuck no one can make me laugh like Matt Haarrddyy HOOOOOOOO

RAW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com, Edit - Black-Nata

#SUMMEROFPUNK

If you came here to find any tips on what CM Punk is doing after July 17th, I have nothing to offer in terms of speculation or opinions on what he will do next, but please keep reading wait where are you going NO STOP!

Just stay with me for a second. I’m going to talk about something completely different, because everything about this is awesome, except for the possibility that, y’know, Punk will be gone forever, and I’ll spend the rest of my days doing snow angels in my backyard and the tears will be endless like my UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU PUNK AHGAH (crying noise).

Ahem.

Aside from that, this is incredible. It’s the exact kind of thing that you couldn’t explain to someone who doesn’t watch wrestling. On Sunday, my non-wrestling-watching friend popped SO HARD for R-Truth getting blasted with water from Little Jimmy (as played by some kid who may or may not have also had the name Jimmy). It was great, but it was also very clear that this kid was a plant, to a wrestling fan at least. Not so much to my friend.

But last night, when Punk said that his contract expires July 17th, and he’s leaving with the WWE Title, I would almost guarantee that that angle would blend in with any other storyline that WWE would normally run to a non-wrestling fan. But because it’s based in reality, with the rumours of Punk leaving, it makes it THAT MUCH MORE awesome to those that pay close attention. And that’s why wrestling is awesome.

It’s the constant blend and ever-changing ratio of real to fake and fake to real, and how any combination of both can make for something completely compelling. I love that there’s someone in pro wrestling who is willing to leave clues online for us to speculate over and feel like we’re a part of it more than we actually are. It feeds our fandom. It’s also why, if Punk does indeed leave, I would be devastated (too serious of a word for pro wrestling). Or, rather, I’d be as pissed as Jay Briscoe EATIN’ CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY.

But if he’s doing the Davey Richards thing, and just taking real-life shit and injecting it flawlessly into wrestling and working us all, then I will be one pleased Little Jenny. JIMMY I MEAN.

I said I wouldn’t speculate, but I did, and I can’t help it, because that’s the fun of wrestling sometimes (read: that time I thought Sting was fighting Undertaker and got so carried away I thought about Batman fighting Undertaker (don’t judge me)).

I MEASURE MY WRESTLING IN INADVERTENT NOISES

Even though there are some people debating the best way to rate matches, this is the only true way: by how many “UHGHGG!!”s or “HOOOOOOOOO”s or spilled pizza dipping sauces you accumulate throughout the match.

Between the triple threat match (Del Rio’s bridging German suplex and his wild tumble to the outside, Rey’s bizarre-but-awesome top rope Link roll that transitioned into a suicide dive onto ADR, Punk applying Samoa Joe’s “just walk away” defense tactic, etc.) and Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes (AmDrag’s snap suplex onto the ramp, big dive, dropkick, everything he does because I’m gay for him) I was scaring my neighbours with whatever weird noises were coming out of my mouth against my own will.

Even Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler was fun, and featured Michael Cole making two completely non-sensical calls: “That gives new meaning to surviving by your fingertips!” — mainly because that’s not a phrase in the first place. He also described sitting at ringside as a “bird’s eye view,” because I guess birds also can flutter at about eye level if they want to.

THE UNBALANCED TRUTH

If R-Truth can make me laugh just by shouting the word JIMMY, am I the crazy one?

Even if the wrestling isn’t that great, the story is hilarious. R-Truth created a fictional character in “Little Jimmy” and was thwarted by a real-life little Jimmy at the pay-per-view. He turned heel because he drank water and then it turns out water got him back in the end! It’s such weird and specific comeuppance.

And Christian, while I did like the back and forth (and back and forth and back and forth) between him, Truth and The Miz, is not taking the ball and running with this heel turn. He’s kind of just taking the ball and holding it. Maybe he’s stuffing it under his new ugly T-shirt and making himself look pregnant.

I just hate where this has gone. Does Christian hating the fans make sense to you? Shouldn’t he just hate Teddy Long? If my boss was a complete and unfair DICK to me at my work, would I be like “man my boss is such a DICK, and so are the people of Madison, Wisconsin, or wherever… everywhere really! UGH I HATE ALL YOU PEOPLE.”

Eventually, I would’ve loved to have seen Christian turn on the fans. But right now it seems like he just rolled the bad guy dice and came up with “you people” on one and “idiots” on the other.

Honourable Mention: At Black Angus, your name is Peaches.

I really had no other reason to include this other than to say that I laughed my genitals off at Vicki “Peaches” Guerrero dancing. And to quote Patton Oswalt.

RAW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

POWER TO THE PEOPLE* (POWER MAY NOT ACTUALLY GO TO THE PEOPLE)

You don’t need me to tell you how when you vote for things on a wrestling show, you didn’t really vote. Sure, you sent in a vote and they counted it, but if your choices are “regular match” and “regular match” and “elimination regular match,” did you really vote? Or did you just send data and money into the air?

It’s bad enough when the choices are no fun and Jerry Lawler is showing me how to use a cell phone (I assume the most he gets out of technology is Google Image Searching “puppies” and getting mad when baby dog jpegs show up), but when the voting system doesn’t even end up working, what the hell did we even just watch?

At least Zack Ryder made it on Raw. Being kicked by Evan Bourne. In a video package. CAN YOU FEEL THE POWER, PEOPLE?!

This is exactly what John Lennon was talking about when he wrote that song.

ARM WRESTLING HAS NEVER BEEN FUN

Okay, except for that ONE TIME, but that’s IT. NEVER AGAIN.

I find it FUCKING impossible to believe that each and every one of all you people the WWE Universe would choose the grand spectacle that is an Arm Wrestling Match over a Body Slam Challenge or Caber Toss or whatever else was offered. Booker T — who is now on Twitter — predicted tweet:

“You know what that is right there when it comes to Booker T on Twitter right there is that Booker T has Twitter and I think when it comes to that right there maaan I DON’T EVEN KNOW”

— did try and hype it up (“This is gone be good right here guys” - something no one has ever said about arm wrestling), but I don’t want to see Kane and Mark Henry wrestle regular style, let alone limb-specific.

What I do want to see, is Mark Henry vs. household items, followed by Mark Henry shouting about punishment to no one in particular.

As for Kane, I’ve come to accept that he can do anything. Let me clarify that. As a character, you can never argue that he is acting “out of character” because his character is a fucking sociopath. It doesn’t matter what he does, logic does not apply.

For example, a crazy person would most certainly torture people and set people on fire, yes. But a crazy person may also play an air trombone from time to time. Or develop a fondness for his Giant friend. Or know the ins and outs of extracting revenge, like when he pulled Big Show off of Ricardo Rodriguez, because if he got suspended, he wouldn’t ever get his hands on Alberto Del Rio. A crazy person may also be seriously concerned with the proper grip of an arm-wrestling contest.

Anything he does can be explained by the rationale that he is a certified crazy person. Sometimes he cares for his brother, sometimes he puts his brother in a vegetative state and then goes on a manhunt for himself. He. Is. CRAZY.

This segment was boring with a capital punishment, but at least it gave us this woman’s face.

MASON RYAN WRESTLES IN DEFIANCE OF TECHNOLOGY

“It just goes to prove power to the people” - Kelly Kelly.

Yes it does. Wait, what? Kelly, that doesn’t make any sen— never mind.

What I’m trying to say, with Kelly Kelly’s sentence fragment as a reference, is that we can blame her runoff votes for Mason Ryan’s big orange win over Evan Bourne. He is the most orange. He also somehow managed to look kind of bad in beating Evan Bourne, a feat no one has yet to accomplish. Because Evan Bourne’s primary biological function is to collapse into his own body in order make big muscly white and orange Irish and Welsh men look like slobbery beasts.

Mason, while I’m sure you’re a nice fellow (or at the very least a prime candidate for the Bachelor Pad Season 2), please either go away or become Fake Dave Batista as managed by Ted DiBiase and get investigated in a comedy skit by whoever the 2011 equivalent of Leslie Nielsen is.

Honourable Mention: The Anonymous Raw GM is Senor Chang.

I can’t find a free video to link you to, but if you watch Community then you know what I mean. If you don’t, then let’s talk about how at the end of Raw, John Cena totally duckfaced that iPhone pic with the troops.

Edited by Jason Mann

EVERYBODY KNOWS WANTS TO KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN

2011-06-14T23:38:00.003-04:00

Hello.

So, if you have been constantly refreshing this page for the past month and a half like I expect you were, you might think that I've been off doing nothing the whole time. NOT TRUE. Don't assume. It makes an ass out of the both of us, if you catch my whatever.

I've been spending most of my sweet time in two places. Before you make any kind of sexual joke (is there one? I--) I'll just get right to it: Tumblr and Fair To Flair.

My tumblr (which shows up in my Twitter feed, because I prefer my social media incestuous), is where you can find most pictures and videos I like. Fair To Flair is where you can find what I write. And it's that simple.

This blog can be a little time consuming to keep up with (blogspot, u r my n m e) so I've slowly been drifting to tumblr. BUT, that doesn't mean I won't pop in here when I'm feeling the urge (there's the joke). I may even get back to cross-posting my Raw reviews here, in case you prefer illegal pictures and full swear words over no pictures and asterisks (and a much cleaner layout, with a bunch more content, okay it's way better there than here I know shutup).

So, carry on as you were. And click these links I've laid out for you like a good mom:

Fair To Flair

My Tumblog

My Fair To Flair Raw reviews

Pre-order the first-ever Fair To Flair Quarterly!

Google.com (good for web searches)

04/25/11 RAW REVIEW: THE 2011 WWE DRAFT

2011-04-29T20:55:00.003-04:00

You may notice that I'm only posting Raw and Smackdown reviews on here now. That hopefully won't always be the case (although it is simple enough), but I've been pretty busy lately and I've had to ween myself off Matt Hardy YouTube videos and all the other very important things that I normally get up to.

So for now, enjoy this Raw review. Like five days late. Shutup.

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art (and now our newest addition, my blogging Dusty Brodes TH of The Wrestling Blog) to form a site that's less about cynicism, rumours and spyware and more about tumblr and spyware (not really). Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Credit to Jason for editing yet another one of my later-by-the-week reviews.

RAW: WWE DRAFT EDITION

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

R-TRUTH VS. LITTLE JIMMY AT EXTREME RULES

In a “Who Is More Crazy?!” gauntlet match between the crazy guy and the fictional child the crazy guy made up and cut a promo on.

Listen, the Internet, I know we’re all divided when it comes to R-Truth and his newly made public-smoking-fetish heel turn… but can’t we just agree that he is ****ing hilarious (unintentionally)?! Since Bryan Danielson stopped wrestling the shit out of people on free TV, the most entertaining thing for me on Raw has been unintentional comedy. R-Truth is a pioneer in this field.

Whether he’s beating the censor, walking right into the crowd’s WHAT chants (he said “y’know WHAT!?” and then the crowd said “WHAT” and he got mad - c’mon man, that one actually made sense!), or getting beat up in mid air-hump (as much as a guy can get beat up by John Morrison), R-Truth is the Lenny Bruce of unintentional comedy.

Seriously though. There is nothing like getting punched in the back of the head at ramming speed when you’re in the middle of a pelvic thrust. And that’s the TRUTH.

BOOYAKA BOOYAKA BYE BYE BYE

Cody Rhodes is a perfect mixture of all the things that make wrestling awesome. He’s old school, crazy, a complete caricature of a deranged human being and has family who wrestle that he can consciously or subconsciously reference in a promo (anybody catch that Goldust sneer at the end?). He also has a lisp and will still try and say the word “anesthesiologist” on national television.

But I’m going to stop talking about Cody Rhodes, because Brandon Stroud of With Leather sums up what he said about Rey Mysterio in a way that brought me to tears. So just read that and promise you’ll still come back here. I’ve got so many great jokes lined up! Isn’t JTG so c,md fm,vmc,

RANDY ORTON IS THE NEW R-TRUTH OF UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY

Anyone else notice that while everyone was wearing a Raw T-shirt together backstage, Randy Orton was just sitting amongst them wet and shirtless? Or maybe you heard him say the phrase “unconscious” sleep, as to clarify for CM Punk that he wasn’t going to beat him at Extreme Rules with diazepam.

Randy Orton actually may not even be the new R-Truth of unintentional comedy, because I think R-Truth is totally biting him.

Honourable Mention: CM Punk and Alberto Del Rio top rope hugging and kissing.

Or, if No Mercy taught me anything, would that be SUPER Hugging and Kissing? I wish my whole review could’ve just been this gif.

RAW: WWE DRAFT EDITION

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

RANDY ORTON AND JOHN CENA DRAFTED TO SMACKDOWN ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS THE REVOLUTIONARY FORCE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT

Except it can’t.

But that’s not even something I’m upset about. I’m more upset about Michael McGuillicutty and David Otunga high-fiving for Raw draft picks, or any wrestler other than Kofi Kingston doing Kofi Kingston’s taunt when Kofi Kingston wins a draft pick for Smackdown. None of this shit makes sense, and I don’t even see the reason for it. Is it supposed to make us feel like the wrestlers (action soap-opera superstar movie machines) feel that the WWE Draft is a big deal too? Even though we don’t?

I’m sure there is a much better and more logical way to go about that than putting everyone in a colour-coded t-shirt (pretty sure if the Rock walked in the room and saw them he’d have a “LOL FROOTY PEBBLS!! you’re all! wearing! coloured! SHIRTS!! AHHHGHHGGGG” overload and fall down) slapping hands and cheering for things that do not matter at all. Hey, Tyler Reks, you seem excited that Randy Orton is coming to Smackdown. Great, except that you’ll probably never wrestle or see him, so go do cartwheels elsewhere. Maybe look into some soap.

Although, the more I watch it, the more I feel like all of the wrestlers know it’s stupid and are just taking the piss (I use British turns of phrases to make myself sound cultured).

EVE “BJJ-STUDENT” TORRES

“Okay, Eve, you’ve only got like thirty-five seconds tonight. Not even. Michael Cole will start shouting about twenty-five seconds in. You just need like one move. You can handle that right? I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’s literally less than a half of a minute. That can’t be enough time for you to **** something up. Now get out there and wrestle like only Eve Torres can!” - Vince McMahon (not really) (but seriously)

Can Awesome “kHARMa” Kong show up and champagne-cork her head off already? Do I have to say this every week?! Better question: do I have to watch every week?

JIM ROSS BEATDOWNS > JOHN MORRISON BEATDOWNS

That shouldn’t be true but it FOR REAL IS. Jim Ross struck Michael Cole until the bottom half of his face bled blood. BLED BLOOD. John Morrison held R-Truth by the wrist and leaned his forearm on him a couple times, until a pair of referees (y’know, the guys in striped shirts that lie down in unconscious sleep for an hour if touched by a wrestler) pulled him away.

To clarify for anyone who doesn’t know what these two people look like, Jim Ross is a 59-year-old man of heft who suffers from Bell’s palsy, and John Morrison is a young man with more abs than digits on his body. Actually, from that description, I would believe that the angry old man could deliver a more convincing beating than the sparkly-trousered ab guy. So whatever.

Honourable Mention: Booker T

Direct quote from Booker T: “Y’know I wouldn’t miss it for the world right now I can only imagine what these guys are going through I been there myself y’know and the anxiety that they’re going through I can only imagine I don’t even wanna talk about it”

Bonus Honourable Mention: Me for being way late on this. Sorry guys. Consider this the supplemental online draft version of a Raw review or something.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Aggressive Art, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Tom Holzerman - The Wrestling Blog, on Twitter, on Tumblr