Friday, April 29, 2011

04/25/11 RAW REVIEW: THE 2011 WWE DRAFT

You may notice that I'm only posting Raw and Smackdown reviews on here now. That hopefully won't always be the case (although it is simple enough), but I've been pretty busy lately and I've had to ween myself off Matt Hardy YouTube videos and all the other very important things that I normally get up to.

So for now, enjoy this Raw review. Like five days late. Shutup.

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art (and now our newest addition, my blogging Dusty Brodes TH of The Wrestling Blog) to form a site that's less about cynicism, rumours and spyware and more about tumblr and spyware (not really). Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Credit to Jason for editing yet another one of my later-by-the-week reviews.

RAW: WWE DRAFT EDITION
LIKED...
Photo - WWE.com

R-TRUTH VS. LITTLE JIMMY AT EXTREME RULES

In a “Who Is More Crazy?!” gauntlet match between the crazy guy and the fictional child the crazy guy made up and cut a promo on.


Listen, the Internet, I know we’re all divided when it comes to R-Truth and his newly made public-smoking-fetish heel turn… but can’t we just agree that he is ****ing hilarious (unintentionally)?! Since Bryan Danielson stopped wrestling the shit out of people on free TV, the most entertaining thing for me on Raw has been unintentional comedy. R-Truth is a pioneer in this field.


Whether he’s beating the censor, walking right into the crowd’s WHAT chants (he said “y’know WHAT!?” and then the crowd said “WHAT” and he got mad - c’mon man, that one actually made sense!), or getting beat up in mid air-hump (as much as a guy can get beat up by John Morrison), R-Truth is the Lenny Bruce of unintentional comedy.


Seriously though. There is nothing like getting punched in the back of the head at ramming speed when you’re in the middle of a pelvic thrust. And that’s the TRUTH.


BOOYAKA BOOYAKA BYE BYE BYE

Cody Rhodes is a perfect mixture of all the things that make wrestling awesome. He’s old school, crazy, a complete caricature of a deranged human being and has family who wrestle that he can consciously or subconsciously reference in a promo (anybody catch that Goldust sneer at the end?). He also has a lisp and will still try and say the word “anesthesiologist” on national television.


But I’m going to stop talking about Cody Rhodes, because Brandon Stroud of With Leather sums up what he said about Rey Mysterio in a way that brought me to tears. So just read that and promise you’ll still come back here. I’ve got so many great jokes lined up! Isn’t JTG so c,md fm,vmc,


RANDY ORTON IS THE NEW R-TRUTH OF UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY

Anyone else notice that while everyone was wearing a Raw T-shirt together backstage, Randy Orton was just sitting amongst them wet and shirtless? Or maybe you heard him say the phrase “unconscious” sleep, as to clarify for CM Punk that he wasn’t going to beat him at Extreme Rules with diazepam.


Randy Orton actually may not even be the new R-Truth of unintentional comedy, because I think R-Truth is totally biting him.


Honourable Mention: CM Punk and Alberto Del Rio top rope hugging and kissing.


Or, if No Mercy taught me anything, would that be SUPER Hugging and Kissing? I wish my whole review could’ve just been this gif.


RAW: WWE DRAFT EDITION
DISLIKED...
Photo - WWE.com

RANDY ORTON AND JOHN CENA DRAFTED TO SMACKDOWN ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS THE REVOLUTIONARY FORCE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT

Except it can’t.


But that’s not even something I’m upset about. I’m more upset about Michael McGuillicutty and David Otunga high-fiving for Raw draft picks, or any wrestler other than Kofi Kingston doing Kofi Kingston’s taunt when Kofi Kingston wins a draft pick for Smackdown. None of this shit makes sense, and I don’t even see the reason for it. Is it supposed to make us feel like the wrestlers (action soap-opera superstar movie machines) feel that the WWE Draft is a big deal too? Even though we don’t?


I’m sure there is a much better and more logical way to go about that than putting everyone in a colour-coded t-shirt (pretty sure if the Rock walked in the room and saw them he’d have a “LOL FROOTY PEBBLS!! you’re all! wearing! coloured! SHIRTS!! AHHHGHHGGGG” overload and fall down) slapping hands and cheering for things that do not matter at all. Hey, Tyler Reks, you seem excited that Randy Orton is coming to Smackdown. Great, except that you’ll probably never wrestle or see him, so go do cartwheels elsewhere. Maybe look into some soap.


Although, the more I watch it, the more I feel like all of the wrestlers know it’s stupid and are just taking the piss (I use British turns of phrases to make myself sound cultured).


EVE “BJJ-STUDENT” TORRES

“Okay, Eve, you’ve only got like thirty-five seconds tonight. Not even. Michael Cole will start shouting about twenty-five seconds in. You just need like one move. You can handle that right? I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’s literally less than a half of a minute. That can’t be enough time for you to **** something up. Now get out there and wrestle like only Eve Torres can!” - Vince McMahon (not really) (but seriously)


Can Awesome “kHARMa” Kong show up and champagne-cork her head off already? Do I have to say this every week?! Better question: do I have to watch every week?


JIM ROSS BEATDOWNS > JOHN MORRISON BEATDOWNS

That shouldn’t be true but it FOR REAL IS. Jim Ross struck Michael Cole until the bottom half of his face bled blood. BLED BLOOD. John Morrison held R-Truth by the wrist and leaned his forearm on him a couple times, until a pair of referees (y’know, the guys in striped shirts that lie down in unconscious sleep for an hour if touched by a wrestler) pulled him away.


To clarify for anyone who doesn’t know what these two people look like, Jim Ross is a 59-year-old man of heft who suffers from Bell’s palsy, and John Morrison is a young man with more abs than digits on his body. Actually, from that description, I would believe that the angry old man could deliver a more convincing beating than the sparkly-trousered ab guy. So whatever.


Honourable Mention: Booker T

Direct quote from Booker T: “Y’know I wouldn’t miss it for the world right now I can only imagine what these guys are going through I been there myself y’know and the anxiety that they’re going through I can only imagine I don’t even wanna talk about it”


Bonus Honourable Mention: Me for being way late on this. Sorry guys. Consider this the supplemental online draft version of a Raw review or something.


FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Aggressive Art, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Tom Holzerman - The Wrestling Blog, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Monday, April 25, 2011

SMACKDOWN REVIEW 4/22/11: TEEK TACK. TEEK TACK.

I love the way Alberto Del Rio says pretty much any word. He said "grandfather clock" with the emphasis on "grandfather." WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY.

This Smackdown review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art to form a pro wrestling Secret Avengers team of nerds. Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Credit to Jason for once again editing this way-too-long three-day-late mess of links and swear words.

BEGIN

FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN 04/22/11
LIKED...
Photo - WWE.com

ALBERT OF THE RIVER LIKES TO PARTY

I love that Alberto Del Rio just holds parties all the time. And I love that, for no apparent reason, his promo was scored by a guy (who was nowhere to be seen) noodling around on a Spanish guitar.


This is a new thing. It wasn't until Matt Hardy turned evil and started delivering resentful promos to his brother Jeff, while childhood pictures magically appeared on the screen accompanied by ominous tones. And this wasn't like when Sycho Sid or Mankind would come to the ring and start cutting a promo over top of their music that was still playing. This is new music being played over his promo, as if he told the guys in the truck "hey, I think my words would be more effective if paired with some bass synths." And Matt Hardy can't cut a promo over his own music because his music is just a man shouting.


Aside from the music, I like how a bad guy holding a party (or funeral or fiesta or whatever) in honour of a good guy always means prop comedy. Moreso, I like in wrestling logic how, instead of preparing for a match or training or anything that would make sense, we are supposed to believe that wrestlers are running around backstage cutting together video packages to show to their enemies, or ordering props and writing jokes about the people they hate. "Cardio? Oh no, I'm trying to hunt down a grandfather clock so I can illustrate the end of Edge's career." Because in wrestling, that is INFINITELY more important than any real athletics.


WRESTLERS VS. ENTERTAINERERS

As much of an Action Soap Opera Entertainment Movie Thrillride the WWE has become, there always remains a few WWE-bred guys who wrestle like wrestlers and don't entertain like entertainerers. Chris Masters is one of these guys. He throws chops like he's trying to hurt you. He sells the Future Shock DDT like rigamortis. And, conversely, Drew McIntyre (somehow) always seems to quietly have the most entertaining match on any given Smackdown.


This match was a good break from The Corre saying or doing anything.


CODY RHODES VS. REY MYSTERIO

When watching Smackdown, Cody Rhodes appearing on screen usually elicits a "YEAHHF" out of me. Whether he's wrestling, or emoting, or handing out paper bags to the audience, or supplementing his lisp with a cracking puberty voice, he usually ends up being my favourite part of the show.


The match was good. That nice tilt-a-whirl backbreaker move Jericho would frequently use against Rey was cool too. And if it weren't for the two commercial breaks and the clunky ending, I would have preferred this match to their WrestleMania match. Even still, it was pretty close.


The brawl afterward was unusually calm and paced like a regular match (I suppose to spell out what their Falls Count Anywhere match will look like at Extreme Rules), and had my eyes glazing over until Rey pitched Cody over the barricade like he was DJ Jazzy Jeff.


Honourable Mention: Remember those old-style video packages I was talking about?


Yeah, well it happened again. This gets an honourable mention for a) me being proven right and b) the package having to be edited HILARIOUSLY because of how half-baked the original promo was.


R-Truth: "i'm so happy!!"

Morrison: "give me the thing that made you happy"

R-Truth: "no"

Morrison: "you smoke and drink water"

R-Truth: "k"


FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN 04/22/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com


SOFTCORRE

My least favourite instances featuring The Corre:

  • Backstage segments that occur seemingly for no other reason than to showcase the zero charisma they all possess.
  • Justin Gabriel touching Heath Slater's chest for an inappropriate amount of time.
  • Wade Barrett's underwater punches.
  • The things they say and do
  • I'll stop now
  • Their matching shirts
  • Okay now

My favourite instance featuring The Corre:

  • When the Big Show pitched Justin Gabriel over the top rope like he was DJ Jazzy Jeff.

BRODUS CLAY

Why can't he just look like a normal, intimidating dude, and not like if King Hippo and King Koopa three-way impregnated a Super Mario 2 turnip? Does he need a spiky mohawk that wouldn't have even been cool ten years ago? JUST STOP IT. And, we all know when you go "SHHEEEEE" you really mean "SHIIIIIIT" so don't write "SHEEEEEE" on your stupid shirt or it'll look like you're saying "SHEEEEE" which makes no sense.


You didn't always look this dumb. A quick Google image search brings up a handful of photos of you without your SHEEEETY mohawk (and for some unknown reason, a mugshot of Brian Christopher). Incidentally, a quick Wikipedia search reveals that you were the timekeeper for Extreme Chick Fights.


...sheeee.


MICHAEL TROLL

Michael Cole operates on a whole new plane of obnoxiousness previously undiscovered by the human race. I don't know how he's able to do it. Maybe it's the countless years of people hating his fucking guts when he just had to grin and bear it. I always wondered when he'd snap and go postal and just machine gun everybody to death, so maybe this is a nice way to keep that from happening. By letting him be a full-blown prick to everyone by channelling the fourteen years of pent-up rage.


Some of you might be thinking "why is this a BOO! if he's doing his job by getting you to hate him?" And that is true. He is perfectly irritating and couldn't be better suited for his role. But there's only so much applauding you can do, and there's only so much you can take before you're just like, "you've done a wonderful job FUCKING ANNOYING ME GOODBYE TV OFF."


Honourable Mention: Booker T


Booker T: "You know something, I've been watching this Justin Gabriel and I've noticed that Justin Gabriel, he's a high flyer."


I just picture Booker studying charts and algorithms before coming to this conclusion.


FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Aggressive Art, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Monday, April 18, 2011

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE IV - LIVE FROM TRUMP PLAZA

Or somewhere in communist Russia, depending on what IV you want me to reference.

This was the fourth time I've left this blog to fend for itself so I can go spelunking (not really), and it's also the longest I've left it without any real updates. The hardest thing about that is trying to get back in the saddle and write like I used to. So herw goesk nothgin.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE
I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING
Photo - WWE.com

I was gone for over a month this time, so it goes without saying that I managed to continue the tradition of missing something completely huge. Let's recap, shall we?

SIBG 1: Bryan/Ziggler's MOTY at Bragging Rights
SIBG 2: Miz cashes in, wins WWE Title
SIBG 3: Matt Hardy gets dreadlocks
SIBG 4: ...

WRESTLEMANIA XXVII
DAMMIT
Photo - WWE.com

Of course, I missed WrestleMania. Kind of. Not at all, really. I saw it live in a movie theatre, but in my eyes that's still missing it, because I'd much rather be watching it completely bumshit hammered in the privacy of my own home. Uh, with friends too, to make it (slightly) less pathetic.

It's a little late to do a complete rundown of the whole show (maybe, if anyone's interested, I could do a full-on Like/Dislike for the show some time down the road), and I'm short on time/your attention span. So for now, I'll just mention my favourite and least favourite thing, and they were pretty much one in the same.

Favourite: the main event video packages. More specifically, the one made for The Miz, set to "Hate Me Now" by Nas.

HOLY CRAP. I always knew the WWE were in the video package business, but this is other level shit. Normally you can see through them. Like when Wade Barrett makes John Cena raise his hand in the locker room for no other reason but to reference that exact moment three weeks later in a video package. And it was even worse before that.

The WWE went through a shitty period a couple years back where every video package was the exact same: triumphant, orchestral hits that score John Cena on an unstoppable path to the title until -- EVIL VILLAIN enters and makes the screen go slow motion and hazy and sad Spanish guitar* plays.

* - interchangeable with dissonant Arabic singing.

But when a video package is so good that it's the most memorable thing about a FUCKING WRESTLEMANIA (save for Triple H/Undertaker, which I did like a lot), then you know you're doing something right.

I also liked the John Cena/DMX one, even if it made little sense with all the religion and God-lovin' and junk. But the gospel choir did make sense because John Cena loves his preacher voice.

Least favourite: the main event.

I don't want to get into this, because it's been beat to death a hundred times over (which happened to Michael Cole at WrestleMania, right? I missed that part. ahem.). But here's the bottom line for me: Rock vs. Cena should've been a month ago. Instead, it's next fucking year and WrestleMania 27 ended like a $65 episode of Raw.

Or, a $120 episode of Raw my three friends and I had to watch in public, with children and angsty teens taking sides on John Cena and the Rock all around us. GODDAMNIT

EDDIE EDWARDS
ROH WORLD CHAMPION

YEAH. This footage can really stiffen a nipple or two. Not only do I love Eddie Edwards, but I love a good rollup win - especially in ROH where it's not that common for a title change. Small aside - what do you think of when you think of a rollup win? Bret/Bulldog SummerSlam '92? Steamboat/Savage WrestleMania III? HBK/Jericho WrestleMania XIX? Bret/Diesel possum pin from an In Your House that I can't remember but I'm sure someone (Jason) will correct me on?

But that's not all that happened while I was gone...

CHARLIE HAAS & SHELTON BENJAMIN
DETHRONE THE KINGS OF WRESTLING

And also...

TOUGH ENOUGH
DEBUTS

NOT TO MENTION

SIN CARA
DEBUTS
Photo - WWE.com

PLUS

AWESOME KONG
TEASER PROMO

OH YEAH AND

EDGE RETIRES
IRL
Photo - WWE.com

AND THIS HAPPENED

BRIAN CHRISTOPHER
WHAT
Photo - WWE.com

I CAN'T STOP YOU GUYS

TEAM
APPLE
Photo - WWE.com

AND
MANY OTHER THINGS
Photo - WWE.com

My. GOD. There is too much to mention. I've been sitting here looking at this list of shit that happened since I've been gone, just VIBRATING from too much caffeine and this overwhelming task weighing on my shoulders (that I imposed on myself like an idiot).

So there you have it. A bunch of things happened since I last posted here. Now I can get back to talking about things as they happen.

Before I go, some quick shoutouts: thanks to the Fair To Flair fellers for covering for me and letting everyone know I was out on "assignment." And thanks to my blogging DZP (down with Zack and Pri-bro) TH for letting his readers know about my reblogs.

And lastly, some link changes. Brandon Stroud linked me to the new home for the Best and Worst of Raw, which has moved to With Leather. And fellow Fair To Flair contributor K. Sawyer Paul has rebranded The Footnotes of Wrestling to Aggressive Art.

THERE. Done all my announcements. Someone else do attendance while I put my head down on my desk for a while.