R-TRUTH VS. LITTLE JIMMY AT EXTREME RULES
In a “Who Is More Crazy?!” gauntlet match between the crazy guy and the fictional child the crazy guy made up and cut a promo on.
Listen, the Internet, I know we’re all divided when it comes to R-Truth and his newly made public-smoking-fetish heel turn… but can’t we just agree that he is ****ing hilarious (unintentionally)?! Since Bryan Danielson stopped wrestling the shit out of people on free TV, the most entertaining thing for me on Raw has been unintentional comedy. R-Truth is a pioneer in this field.
Whether he’s beating the censor, walking right into the crowd’s WHAT chants (he said “y’know WHAT!?” and then the crowd said “WHAT” and he got mad - c’mon man, that one actually made sense!), or getting beat up in mid air-hump (as much as a guy can get beat up by John Morrison), R-Truth is the Lenny Bruce of unintentional comedy.
Seriously though. There is nothing like getting punched in the back of the head at ramming speed when you’re in the middle of a pelvic thrust. And that’s the TRUTH.
BOOYAKA BOOYAKA BYE BYE BYE
Cody Rhodes is a perfect mixture of all the things that make wrestling awesome. He’s old school, crazy, a complete caricature of a deranged human being and has family who wrestle that he can consciously or subconsciously reference in a promo (anybody catch that Goldust sneer at the end?). He also has a lisp and will still try and say the word “anesthesiologist” on national television.
But I’m going to stop talking about Cody Rhodes, because Brandon Stroud of With Leather sums up what he said about Rey Mysterio in a way that brought me to tears. So just read that and promise you’ll still come back here. I’ve got so many great jokes lined up! Isn’t JTG so c,md fm,vmc,
RANDY ORTON IS THE NEW R-TRUTH OF UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY
Anyone else notice that while everyone was wearing a Raw T-shirt together backstage, Randy Orton was just sitting amongst them wet and shirtless? Or maybe you heard him say the phrase “unconscious” sleep, as to clarify for CM Punk that he wasn’t going to beat him at Extreme Rules with diazepam.
Randy Orton actually may not even be the new R-Truth of unintentional comedy, because I think R-Truth is totally biting him.
Honourable Mention: CM Punk and Alberto Del Rio top rope hugging and kissing.
Or, if No Mercy taught me anything, would that be SUPER Hugging and Kissing? I wish my whole review could’ve just been this gif.
RANDY ORTON AND JOHN CENA DRAFTED TO SMACKDOWN ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS THE REVOLUTIONARY FORCE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
Except it can’t.
But that’s not even something I’m upset about. I’m more upset about Michael McGuillicutty and David Otunga high-fiving for Raw draft picks, or any wrestler other than Kofi Kingston doing Kofi Kingston’s taunt when Kofi Kingston wins a draft pick for Smackdown. None of this shit makes sense, and I don’t even see the reason for it. Is it supposed to make us feel like the wrestlers (action soap-opera superstar movie machines) feel that the WWE Draft is a big deal too? Even though we don’t?
I’m sure there is a much better and more logical way to go about that than putting everyone in a colour-coded t-shirt (pretty sure if the Rock walked in the room and saw them he’d have a “LOL FROOTY PEBBLS!! you’re all! wearing! coloured! SHIRTS!! AHHHGHHGGGG” overload and fall down) slapping hands and cheering for things that do not matter at all. Hey, Tyler Reks, you seem excited that Randy Orton is coming to Smackdown. Great, except that you’ll probably never wrestle or see him, so go do cartwheels elsewhere. Maybe look into some soap.
Although, the more I watch it, the more I feel like all of the wrestlers know it’s stupid and are just taking the piss (I use British turns of phrases to make myself sound cultured).
EVE “BJJ-STUDENT” TORRES
“Okay, Eve, you’ve only got like thirty-five seconds tonight. Not even. Michael Cole will start shouting about twenty-five seconds in. You just need like one move. You can handle that right? I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’s literally less than a half of a minute. That can’t be enough time for you to **** something up. Now get out there and wrestle like only Eve Torres can!” - Vince McMahon (not really) (but seriously)
Can Awesome “kHARMa” Kong show up and champagne-cork her head off already? Do I have to say this every week?! Better question: do I have to watch every week?
JIM ROSS BEATDOWNS > JOHN MORRISON BEATDOWNS
That shouldn’t be true but it FOR REAL IS. Jim Ross struck Michael Cole until the bottom half of his face bled blood. BLED BLOOD. John Morrison held R-Truth by the wrist and leaned his forearm on him a couple times, until a pair of referees (y’know, the guys in striped shirts that lie down in unconscious sleep for an hour if touched by a wrestler) pulled him away.
To clarify for anyone who doesn’t know what these two people look like, Jim Ross is a 59-year-old man of heft who suffers from Bell’s palsy, and John Morrison is a young man with more abs than digits on his body. Actually, from that description, I would believe that the angry old man could deliver a more convincing beating than the sparkly-trousered ab guy. So whatever.
Honourable Mention: Booker T
Direct quote from Booker T: “Y’know I wouldn’t miss it for the world right now I can only imagine what these guys are going through I been there myself y’know and the anxiety that they’re going through I can only imagine I don’t even wanna talk about it”
Bonus Honourable Mention: Me for being way late on this. Sorry guys. Consider this the supplemental online draft version of a Raw review or something.
FAIR TO FLAIR CREW