Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11
Photo - WWE.com
AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN (AND JBL) AUSTIN
I love wrestling. I wish I could storm into any meeting where someone is signing a contract, beat the crap out of everyone in the room and sign my name on the dotted line — as if that would ever be legally binding in any way — and then go long for some flying beers on the way out.
Michael Cole, on a regular day, is a giant douche. But when it’s time for him to get in the ring and gloat about something, or trick you into thinking Stone Cold Steve Austin is his guest referee, or slam the entire state you’re from, or SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, he is such a COCK. That is the most eloquent way I can put it, because it can’t be put any other way. Add in JBL, who plays such a perfect, long-winded bastard (and he delivered one of my favourite anti-hometown heel promos maybe I’ve ever seen, as it seemed so effortless and completely not forced at all), and you have me foaming at the mouth for a Stone Cold Stunner OH WAIT HERE HE COMES STONE COLD STONE COLD WJLHK
But the stand-out, hands-down, bottom line (because I said so) best part about this entire segment was Michael Cole’s pathetic, hoarse, begging and pleading into the headset for Austin not to sign the contract. In fact it was so good, I’m going to re-watch it right now (edit: I watched it and yes, it was still so good).
This segment was hard to even write about because I liked it so much, and prefer it as something I get giddy watching on the couch by myself like the cool guy I am.
JOHN CENA = GOOFY, BUT RIGHT. THE MIZ = VERY SERIOUS, AND ALSO RIGHT.
No matter how silly and prop-based and titantron-aided John Cena’s rap was, his main point can’t be argued. This has always been about John Cena calling The Rock out for leaving the business he claims he loves. Even if Cena’s response on Monday was riddled with G-rated filth, The Rock cut a taped promo from his house about how he loves the WWE after saying he is “never, ever going away.” And no matter how much I didn’t believe that when he said it, it’s still cannon fodder for Cena (when he’s not talking about ejaculating on people).
Speaking of Cena - hey John, here’s
jizz mud in your eye! Because you sure looked dumb getting beatdown by The Miz to close Raw. There’s nothing like watching you bring a pearl necklace, a photoshopped picture and a homemade T-shirt to the ring to help illustrate all of the different ways you want semen and poop and The Rock to all interact, and then get clobbered by the guy you’re actually wrestling at WrestleMania.
This really sold the fact that The Miz has been an afterthought in this Rock/Cena business, and he’s the WWE Champion going in to WrestleMania. And while the Rock did bring it “via satellite,” The Miz just plain brought it in the form of beating up his opponent. Well done.
NO, I NEVER THOUGHT DOLPH ZIGGLER WAS FIRED FOR REAL EITHER
But I sure am glad to have him back blinding and maiming John Morrison in various ways. Poor JoMo. He didn’t make it on TV last week, and this week he gets poked in the eye and kicked in the leg — something that seems to happen to him pretty often.
Dolph Ziggler is the man. He lives his gimmick, and I’ve mentioned before that he’s my favourite guy to watch fall down on purpose (or “take a bump” for those of you in the know! Also, I think “heel” means “bully”). I’m happy to see that he has a shot to be a part of WrestleMania in a non-19-man Money In The Bank kinda way.
Honourable Mention: Seeing those we didn’t expect to see.
Sin Cara. Christian. Shawn Michaels. JBL. Sunny. Kevin Kelly. I like surprises. And I’m not one of those people who complains about the brand split not being honoured or whatever. I think those people just like pointing out they know things. Well, I know things too. For example, WWE has had more people attend their shows yearly than the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Stanley Cup Finals, and my birthday combined.
BONUS HONOURABLE MENTION: The music.
First, Johnny Cash sings Undertaker’s new theme song (check out a fine discussion about that here). And then last night, the Bobby Hebb song “Sunny” was used in Sunny’s Hall of Fame induction video. This song has been done by everyone, from Dusty Springfield to Marvin Gaye to Nick Cave. I love when WWE uses music that isn’t done by a band called Wretch Machine or Killbang or whatever other shitty band no one’s heard of until they do the Official Theme Song for WWE Fatal 4-Way.
MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11
Photo - WWE.com
CAN SHEAMUS PLEASE FIND A NICE MIDDLE GROUND?
If he’s not getting kicked in the balls and Pedigree’d so hard that he’s both literally and figuratively buried, he’s tweaking his ankle in a losing effort against Daniel Bryan and still somehow getting a U.S. Title shot next week (which he’ll win). I have a friend who will set his dick on fire if Snooki counts that pinfall. Is that what you want, WWE? It’s not my fault I have irrational friends, but it is your fault that you’re making Sheamus like a helpless dope who can’t defend himself. And now you’re bringing the best wrestler in the world into this. And maybe Snooki. But that’s entirely made up on my account. So that’s my fault. But the other stuff —not my fault.
Whenever John Cena makes a joke using words that are clean for PG television, but the meanings are not, this is all I can think of:
“Every time I do a TV show, um, and I have a line like that, the producers never say to me ‘DON’T SAY THAT.’ Because I wouldn’t say it, I know you couldn’t say that on TV. They always say ‘could you think of a cute G-rated way to say that so we can broadcast it?’ There’s nothing more offensive and disturbing to me than G-rated filth. Like, what is worse: ‘I wanna fuck your wet pussy’ or ‘I’m gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice!’ Which, right there, that’s totally G-rated. You can say that on TV. It’s fucking horrifying. That’s what you say to a girl you have in a pit in the bottom of your basement as you’re lowering stuff in a basket. ‘When Captain Frosting gets done with your hairy bingle-bangle it’s going to look like a rat in a rainstorm when I’m all done with my love paints!’ All right, again, all that was totally fucking G-rated.” - Patton Oswalt on G-rated filth
MASON RYAN AND DAVID OTUNGA
I wish someone would make Mason Ryan a trolley or something so we never have to watch him twinkle-toe spring to the ring again. Thankfully, Randy Orton has taken care of David Otunga’s lip-biting by bouncing his brain of the inside of his skull with a punt to the head.
I just can’t take these two guys seriously. They both look like cartoon muscle men they’re so jacked, but somehow I look at them and think they couldn’t harm a fly. I’m just happy that CM Punk will get to stand on his own at WrestleMania (or at the very least, just with Mason Ryan) and not be brought down by these orange (green?) dum dums any longer.
Honourable Mention: I’ll never get a CM Punk/Stone Cold Steve Austin promo, will I?
It’s all I want you guys. All I want.
FAIR TO FLAIR CREW
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
TRIPLE H: A PROMO WITH EMOTION (OR PINK EYE, CAN’T TELL)
I’m willing to admit that one of the things that make me cry is seeing another man cry (I’m not trying to bait John Cena into attacking me, I swear). It’s then infinitely amplified when I see a pro wrestler crying. Shawn Michaels’ retirement speech last year was worse than when my cat died. Triple H wasn’t anywhere near HBK territory (I was tempted to write “tear-itory, but thought better of myself) — in fact I may have been more invested in Dolph Ziggler’s Twitter farewell — but I felt like there was some truth behind what THE DESTROYER was saying. Besides the fact that he said he has “no challenges left,” and then kicked the nuts of the guy who put him out of action for nine months.
He was on TV for maybe ninety seconds, but it was like a breath of fresh air (Bourne!)… I’m looking at a pun per paragraph here. When a healthy chunk of your roster are being churned out of FCW with seemingly no experience elsewhere, it’s always exciting to watch Evan Bourne wrestle on Raw. I typically reach my stomp-quota about a half-hour into the show, but when Bourne appears on my TV screen moving with the kind of speed that a real fight takes place in, I get FIRED UP. Guys like Bourne, Bryan, Punk, Del Rio, Regal, and anyone who doesn’t wrestle that super generic style, are SO necessary on this show. I don’t need to see a Pumphandle Neckbreaker Piledriver-Valley-Driver-Driver or anything, but I like having some kind of variety on the show.
WHAT D’YA THINK OF THAT LAWLER
How Michael Cole can bring such real emotion and intensity to a promo (and a feud in general, be it against Daniel Bryan or Jerry Lawler), but offer none of that on commentary (prior to his heel persona) is perplexing to me. He is so perfectly irritating and annoying and self-important and everything a character like him should be, that I literally can’t even fully appreciate it when I watch him, because all I can think about is punching his face inside out. Here’s a sign of how much heat Michael Cole has: Jack Swagger, a former World Champion, is getting a rub from Michael Cole, the announcer. CRAZY.
Honourable Mention: The hype of WrestleMania.
This show had a crazy amount of stuff going for it, and it’s all thanks to the hype of WrestleMania. The Rock’s response to John Cena, Shawn Michaels commenting on the Triple H/Undertaker match (which was a very well-done package, the kind I’d love to see more of to hype big matches), the announcements of Sin Cara’s signing and Stone Cold Steve Austin’s return to Raw next week (which was accompanied by a video of Austin beating the crap out of Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner and Eric Bischoff), a steel-cage match, Evan Bourne making his return — a lot of big, “newsworthy” things happened on this show. There wasn’t a ton of wrestling to be had, but that’s cool with me (as long as I get interested in the matches for WrestleMania). So…
THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA IS GETTING FOGGY
With all of those things on ONE show, how did this Raw end up so… bad?
Last week everything seemed so clear. Triple H wants Undertaker’s streak. The Miz and John Cena don’t take Rock’s words kindly. Randy Orton and CM Punk don’t like each other. John Morrison actually appeared on television.
But this week, I feel way more confused. There were a TNA-amount of sneak attacks on the show. Alex Riley was the fifth person “fired” in like two weeks time. And can anyone tell me in less than two sentences just what the FUCK this Miz/Cena feud featuring The Rock (or Cena/Rock feud featuring The Miz) is about?
It seems so scatterbrained. The Miz is trying to be taken seriously, and now doing things, like attacking Daniel Bryan, because “he can.” John Cena is mad at The Miz, and I thought Michael Cole (“your boy is done”), for eliminating him from the Royal Rumble, but also for winning and losing the Tag Titles with him. But he’s not too mad, even though he got deathly serious at the Rumble, because he’s cracking jokes and putting his arm around Miz and all that good stuff. But he’s also upset at The Rock for leaving us, and Miz is upset at The Rock for overlooking him. So Cena baits Miz into a match that got Alex Riley “fired” as his assistant, and Miz attacked him.
Reads like a classic, doesn’t it?
The Onion has a Raw review up (thanks to FTF contributor K. Sawyer Paul for pointing me to this) that talks about the difficulty of reviewing “unfinished stories” like you would when covering a TV series or a wrestling show that is leading to a bigger payoff (like WrestleMania). While this Miz/Cena feud is certainly an unfinished story, I feel like most good stories have me hooked by this point.
SHEAMUS TOOK A LITERAL AND FIGURATIVE KICK IN THE NUTS
“Alright Sheamus, I know we had you put Triple H out of action for nine months, but tonight you’re going to go out there and get kicked in the balls and pedigreed through a table so hard that it launches Michael Cole’s water bottle in the air and after that you’ll be pinned by the guy we used to make you look good for all of last year, sound good — it doesn’t matter if it sounds good! Haha, oh I’m glad the Rock’s back, aren’t you? Next week we’ll have him kick you in the nuts - it’s your new gimmick, cool? — It doesn’t matter if it’s cool! Oh man I’m hilarious. You’re fired.” - Vince McMahon (not really).
I’m not going to say anything besides that that was pretty crazy. He kicked him in the balls! It would’ve been one thing if he just attacked him, but he literally kicked him in the balls like it was the punchline to a joke. But I’m sure Sheamus will be back doing Sheamus-like stuff next week, so I won’t get too worked up about it. I’ve got better things to worry about, like calling in to a radio show to get cursed at by Michael Cole.
JOHN CENA AND GAY JOKES
I need to come back to Cena for this one.
This Cena/Miz promo probably should’ve been as wordless as the Triple H/Undertaker promo from last week. And, I’m being 100% serious, the Triple H/Undertaker promo was way the fuck funnier than this one.
I don’t know how to come at this any other way, but John Cena needs to reel in the gay jokes. Richard Flynn of Bored Wrestling Fan wrote an article addressing Cena’s remarks that raised a lot of good points, which you should definitely check out.
But did anyone else find John Cena’s comment to The Miz, “… do you really want to look back years from now and realize you shared your legacy with another man?” to be particularly offensive, or at least out of place? Maybe it’s because no one laughed. Maybe it’s because there was no wit whatsoever. He didn’t tie in Rock’s movies to a “Brokeback Mountain” joke this time, he just plainly stated, essentially, that The Miz should regret being a homosexual. He also made a bukakke joke that went over everyone’s heads (mine included). Just… weird.
All of those remarks definitely seemed a lot more hateful than they were probably intended to be, because the jokes bombed big time. Still, it’s probably not the best idea to have your company’s biggest name making awkward gay jokes in 2011. Can’t we just go back to Bret Hart complaining about Shawn Michaels showing his “navel”?!
Honourable Mention: #IWantWrestling
While I stand by what I said earlier (not needing a ton of wrestling), I would prefer what little wrestling we get on this promo-heavy Road to WrestleMania to be good. There was a longer match between Orton and McGuillicutty, who can’t really cut (I almost wrote McGuillicut, but then thought better of myself) the greatest pace. There was a Divas Battle Royal that took place in fast-forward and ended in Eve selling a Bella twin attack like the plague. There was a steel-cage match between John Cena and Alex Riley, and the highlight was Cena and Miz wrestling a door.
Thankfully, I got my wrestling fill for about a year from ROH’s 9th Anniversary Show. You got lucky this time, Raw. LUCKY.
FAIR TO FLAIR CREW