But what it really means is that CM Punk had faith and was eliminated by John Cena and his leprechaun companion, while Alberto Del Rio fulfilled his destiny by winning the Royal Rumble (but you already knew that). And you probably already knew that I was going to say "but you already knew that."
ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
Has one Royal Rumble match ever had so much comedy? Between Hornswoggle's slapstick, Santino's near win, and Cena and Orton's utterly heatless staredown(s!), no gut was left unbusted last night.
In addition to the comedy, there was also wrestling.
WWE 2011 ROYAL RUMBLE
EDGE VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER
Holy BALLS does Dolph Ziggler bump like Shawn Michaels or what? I'm sure I'm not the first guy to draw that comparison, but watching him fly around the ring reminds me of early HBK (I just watched the '92 Rumble where he bumped like a fish out of water for the whole thing). He might wrestle with more conviction than anyone on the roster right now, save for the ROH alumni I mark like a fangirl (I'm a boy) for.
Ziggler brought out the best in Edge last night - but y'know what brought out even more "the best" (that doesn't make sense) in Edge last night? NOT USING THE SPEAR. With the spear banned, Edge was forced to find new (or old) ways to win, and that made him more entertaining in the ring than he's been in a long time. Maybe that's because he's been in the ring with Kane for a long time. But that's beside the point.
The point is, this was the hottest match bell-to-bell of the entire night. And Dolph Ziggler will find himself in more World Title matches as the year goes on, because he's doing what very few guys can do - overcome brutal gimmicks (Spirit Squad, Dolph Ziggler, etc.) with unmistakeable talent.
ROYAL RUMBLE (FIRST HALF)
When the Royal Rumble kicks off with something that would crash the ROH Message Board ten times over, you know you're in for a good match. Or at least good first half, as was the case last night (for me). You don't need me to tell you how fun it was to watch Punk and Bryan go at it (and when William Regal was thrown in the mix I think my boner leapt off and did a dance), or John Morrison's THE FLOOR IS LAVA THE FLOOR IS LAVA elimination save, or Miz eliminating Cena, or Santino's charisma overdose at the end, or Booker T (holy--) or Diesel (--fuck) or anything, because you know how awesome these things were.
THE BOOKING OF: NEXUS = FOUR STEVE AUSTINS, JOHN CENA = BRET HART
You get to see this every now and then in the Rumble. Punk did it last year. Austin did it in '97. A heel clears the ring and starts chucking jobbers as they come in, one-by-one, until they finally run into their ultimate foe. For Punk (2010) it was Triple H. For Austin, it was Bret. And for Nexus, it was Cena. The entire lead up to that, including Booker T lighting up the entire crowd until they were completely deflated when Mason Ryan eliminated him, was perfect.
ALBERTO DELLLL RIIIIIIOOO!
I could feel the rage-sweat beading on the brows of smarks everywhere when it really seemed like Orton or Cena would win. And then I could hear the nervous sigh of relief when Del Rio dumped Orton over the top, and Ricardo Rodriguez made the six and a half minute winning call.
To point out how crazy this win is, Del Rio debuted in the WWE on August 20th, 2009 - four months and ten days before winning the Royal Rumble. Yokozuna is the only man in history to do it faster, and Del Rio did it about a half-year faster than some UFC guy named Brock Lesnar.
In other Rumble trivia, Del Rio is undefeated in Royal Rumble competition, alongside Lesnar and uh, Vince McMahon (he only has two Royal Rumble functions - go the distance and win or blow both quads).
RANDY ORTON, SOULLESS INDIVIDUAL
I like it when Randy Orton RKO's stupid people. Or when he gets so mad in the ring that smarks thinks he's mad for real. Or when he pitches Alex Riley over the top rope like he's DJ Jazzy Jeff. Or when he gets a look on his face that he might do something psycho like disembowel Vickie Guerrero. But...
2011 ROYAL RUMBLE
RANDY ORTON, HEATLESS INDIVIDUAL
When Randy Orton isn't turbo-RKOing eight people at once, apparently people (and I) don't give a shit about him. I already mentioned it once, but could you believe your eyes (and ears) when the smoke cleared in the Rumble, bodies were everywhere, and John Cena and Randy Orton both turned around to face each other one-on-one... to DEAFENING SILENCE.
Hold that exchange up against Punk and Cena from earlier in the Rumble, or Edge and Ziggler's entire match, or 51-year-old Kevin Nash getting a LET'S GO DIESEL chant, or anything, and you've got a staredown (actually, two staredowns) that no one cares about.
This nose-to-nose showdown acted like a real-time poll of WWE fans everywhere - do you want to see this match at WrestleMania? The answer was a very disinterested "uh, no thank you."
ROYAL RUMBLE (SECOND HALF)
Before I start, I should say that I enjoyed the match overall. It's impossible not to. It's the most fun thing ever and no amount of giggly Hornswoggle offense could ruin it.
But between Randy Orton and Dolph Ziggler inexplicably entering the match (which was totally no sold by the announcers for some reason), a ton of WrestleMania sign-pointing, the Cena/Orton silent staredown (seriously, people didn't even boo to be like "WE DON'T WANT THIS"), and a really tame final four (devoid of any anticipation or drama, until the hilariously done Santino spot), the second half of the match really lost steam for me.
I don't need to write about this, because K. Sawyer Paul already put it perfectly.
But I should mention that Eve crying after winning the Divas Title was oddly sad. Maybe she just shattered her knees on that moonsault.
THE MIZ VS. RANDY ORTON
I've already touched on Randy Orton (I bet there's a lot of girls out there that want to touch on Randy Orton), but I have this to say about the match itself: I watched it last night and can't remember a thing about it. Pretty much my reaction to this match was the equivalent of the fans' reaction to the Cena/Orton staredown.
As for tonight, WWE has announced that Alberto Del Rio will decide which champion he will face at WrestleMania. Apparently they forgot about their own Road to WrestleMania, which generally features two more matches when another ten guys get a shot at the title.