Monday, January 31, 2011

ROYAL RUMBLE REVIEW: DESTINY DEF. FAITH

That makes it sound like this PPV was headlined by strippers.

But what it really means is that CM Punk had faith and was eliminated by John Cena and his leprechaun companion, while Alberto Del Rio fulfilled his destiny by winning the Royal Rumble (but you already knew that). And you probably already knew that I was going to say "but you already knew that."

ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
IT'S HIS DENSITY DESTINY!!
Photo - WWE.com

Has one Royal Rumble match ever had so much comedy? Between Hornswoggle's slapstick, Santino's near win, and Cena and Orton's utterly heatless staredown(s!), no gut was left unbusted last night.

In addition to the comedy, there was also wrestling.

WWE 2011 ROYAL RUMBLE
LIKED...
Photo - WWE.com

EDGE VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER
Holy BALLS does Dolph Ziggler bump like Shawn Michaels or what? I'm sure I'm not the first guy to draw that comparison, but watching him fly around the ring reminds me of early HBK (I just watched the '92 Rumble where he bumped like a fish out of water for the whole thing). He might wrestle with more conviction than anyone on the roster right now, save for the ROH alumni I mark like a fangirl (I'm a boy) for.

Ziggler brought out the best in Edge last night - but y'know what brought out even more "the best" (that doesn't make sense) in Edge last night? NOT USING THE SPEAR. With the spear banned, Edge was forced to find new (or old) ways to win, and that made him more entertaining in the ring than he's been in a long time. Maybe that's because he's been in the ring with Kane for a long time. But that's beside the point.

The point is, this was the hottest match bell-to-bell of the entire night. And Dolph Ziggler will find himself in more World Title matches as the year goes on, because he's doing what very few guys can do - overcome brutal gimmicks (Spirit Squad, Dolph Ziggler, etc.) with unmistakeable talent.

ROYAL RUMBLE (FIRST HALF)
When the Royal Rumble kicks off with something that would crash the ROH Message Board ten times over, you know you're in for a good match. Or at least good first half, as was the case last night (for me). You don't need me to tell you how fun it was to watch Punk and Bryan go at it (and when William Regal was thrown in the mix I think my boner leapt off and did a dance), or John Morrison's THE FLOOR IS LAVA THE FLOOR IS LAVA elimination save, or Miz eliminating Cena, or Santino's charisma overdose at the end, or Booker T (holy--) or Diesel (--fuck) or anything, because you know how awesome these things were.

THE BOOKING OF: NEXUS = FOUR STEVE AUSTINS, JOHN CENA = BRET HART
Kind of.

You get to see this every now and then in the Rumble. Punk did it last year. Austin did it in '97. A heel clears the ring and starts chucking jobbers as they come in, one-by-one, until they finally run into their ultimate foe. For Punk (2010) it was Triple H. For Austin, it was Bret. And for Nexus, it was Cena. The entire lead up to that, including Booker T lighting up the entire crowd until they were completely deflated when Mason Ryan eliminated him, was perfect.

ALBERTO DELLLL RIIIIIIOOO!
I could feel the rage-sweat beading on the brows of smarks everywhere when it really seemed like Orton or Cena would win. And then I could hear the nervous sigh of relief when Del Rio dumped Orton over the top, and Ricardo Rodriguez made the six and a half minute winning call.

To point out how crazy this win is, Del Rio debuted in the WWE on August 20th, 2009 - four months and ten days before winning the Royal Rumble. Yokozuna is the only man in history to do it faster, and Del Rio did it about a half-year faster than some UFC guy named Brock Lesnar.

In other Rumble trivia, Del Rio is undefeated in Royal Rumble competition, alongside Lesnar and uh, Vince McMahon (he only has two Royal Rumble functions - go the distance and win or blow both quads).

RANDY ORTON, SOULLESS INDIVIDUAL
I like it when Randy Orton RKO's stupid people. Or when he gets so mad in the ring that smarks thinks he's mad for real. Or when he pitches Alex Riley over the top rope like he's DJ Jazzy Jeff. Or when he gets a look on his face that he might do something psycho like disembowel Vickie Guerrero. But...

2011 ROYAL RUMBLE
DISLIKED...
Photo - WWE.com

RANDY ORTON, HEATLESS INDIVIDUAL
When Randy Orton isn't turbo-RKOing eight people at once, apparently people (and I) don't give a shit about him. I already mentioned it once, but could you believe your eyes (and ears) when the smoke cleared in the Rumble, bodies were everywhere, and John Cena and Randy Orton both turned around to face each other one-on-one... to DEAFENING SILENCE.

Hold that exchange up against Punk and Cena from earlier in the Rumble, or Edge and Ziggler's entire match, or 51-year-old Kevin Nash getting a LET'S GO DIESEL chant, or anything, and you've got a staredown (actually, two staredowns) that no one cares about.

This nose-to-nose showdown acted like a real-time poll of WWE fans everywhere - do you want to see this match at WrestleMania? The answer was a very disinterested "uh, no thank you."

ROYAL RUMBLE (SECOND HALF)
Before I start, I should say that I enjoyed the match overall. It's impossible not to. It's the most fun thing ever and no amount of giggly Hornswoggle offense could ruin it.

But between Randy Orton and Dolph Ziggler inexplicably entering the match (which was totally no sold by the announcers for some reason), a ton of WrestleMania sign-pointing, the Cena/Orton silent staredown (seriously, people didn't even boo to be like "WE DON'T WANT THIS"), and a really tame final four (devoid of any anticipation or drama, until the hilariously done Santino spot), the second half of the match really lost steam for me.

AWESOME KONG?
I don't need to write about this, because K. Sawyer Paul already put it perfectly.

But I should mention that Eve crying after winning the Divas Title was oddly sad. Maybe she just shattered her knees on that moonsault.

THE MIZ VS. RANDY ORTON
I've already touched on Randy Orton (I bet there's a lot of girls out there that want to touch on Randy Orton), but I have this to say about the match itself: I watched it last night and can't remember a thing about it. Pretty much my reaction to this match was the equivalent of the fans' reaction to the Cena/Orton staredown.

As for tonight, WWE has announced that Alberto Del Rio will decide which champion he will face at WrestleMania. Apparently they forgot about their own Road to WrestleMania, which generally features two more matches when another ten guys get a shot at the title.

Friday, January 28, 2011

WWE PPV PREDICTION GAME: ROYAL RUMBLE

First, some quick results from TLC, which I totally forgot to post, because I am a space cadet.

WWE TLC PREDICTION RESULTS
1. (21 PTS) Arn Anderson
T2. (19 PTS) Canadian Vampire
T2. (19 PTS) Monkey Man
T4. (18 PTS) PIZZABODYSLAM
T4. (18 PTS) TheTazDevil
T4. (18 PTS) TOH
T4. (18 PTS) Masa
T4. (18 PTS) Kastrada
9. (17 PTS) Sly Dogg
T10. (16 PTS) PSO CheZi
T10. (16 PTS) Don Owens
12. (15 PTS) SETUP DISK
13. (12 PTS) Miko
14. (11 PTS) Heel Appeal
15. (0 PTS) Mario

And now...

WWE ROYAL RUMBLE (EVENT #8)
PICK DEADLINE: SUNDAY, JANUARY 30TH - 7:59:59 P.M. (EASTERN TIME)

It's going to work a little bit differently this time around.

In predicting the Royal Rumble winner, you have five points. You can bet them all on one guy, or you can spread them out however you like. You can put say three points on Cena, one point on Barrett and one on Repo Man if you want. Then there will also be other bonus points up for grabs too, because I LOVE POINTS YOU GUYS!!

The rest of the matches will work the same as usual. There are three matches left, so you have the numbers 1-3 to assign as confidence points to your picks - if your prediction is correct, you earn that number of points. You cannot use the same number twice. Any match added DURING the PPV will not count.

ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH
Winner:
Longest Time Spent in Rumble:
Most Eliminations:

(Those extra predictions are worth one point each)

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
The Miz (c) VS. Randy Orton

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Edge (c) VS. Dolph Ziggler

DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP
Natalya (c) VS. Lay-Cool

PIZZABODYSLAM'S PICKS
ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH
Winner: John Cena (4), John Morrison (1)
Longest Time Spent in Rumble: John Morrison
Most Eliminations: Sheamus

3 - Edge
2 - Lay-Cool
1 - The Miz

And you can view the current standings here.

KANE AND THE ROYAL RUMBLE: HE'S GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO

Photo - WWE.com

Poor Kane.

He's always just been there. Just waiting around in a room panting, sometimes laughing, always requesting red lights ("guys, I love this space, it's great... but could it be a little more red? - You have LIGHTS? I LOVE IT LETS RUN WITH IT FOREVER"). And if he wasn't there, just as you were thinking "hey, I don't think we've seen Kane this we--" KABLAMMY - out lumbers Kane.

But for all of the time he's spent just being there, looking unexplainably wet, and sounding laboured in his evil breathing, and sometimes crying - he always had one thing going for him: The Royal Rumble.

Kane, if you haven't seen a Royal Rumble (or heard Michael Cole talk about the Royal Rumble) in ten years, holds the record for most eliminations in a single Rumble: 11 (should be 12 for making Drew Carey piss his ski pants and Plinko himself over the top rope). He holds another record for appearing in 12 consecutive Rumble matches (14 total - yet another record). That 2001 Rumble was easily his best - he was the last to be eliminated, he logged the most time out of everyone and he managed to eliminate the unstoppable ex-tag team force of Al Snow and Steve Blackman.

Kane even eliminated Fatu as Dr. Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. in the 1996 Royal Rumble. Unfortunately, he eliminated no one as Fake Diesel the following year, because he was a wrestler with the word "fake" in his name. He was also a wrestler with the word "Diesel" in his name.

With all of these notches on his belt (er, leggings, whatever), Kane has built himself up to be a legitimate threat every time the Rumble comes around. Here's where the sad part comes in.

If you're in the Royal Rumble, that means two things: one - you're fighting for your shot at a World Title at WrestleMania. Two - you're not the World Champion.

For 14 years, and every consecutive year since 1999, Kane has not been the World Champion or #1 Contender come January - Road to WrestleMania time. That is kinda sad, isn't it? For a guy who's been there for fucking ever, and before that he was a Fake Diesel and an evil dentist and a Christmas tree, and yet somehow managed to get and stay over for those twelve years, he's just been the "Royal Rumble Guy." And not even because he's won one!

Not only that, but Triple H has competed in nearly half the number of Rumbles that Kane has, and he holds the record for most cumulative time spent in the Royal Rumble Match, beating Kane by like fifty minutes. That's a long fucking time.

So here's what I see happening this year for Kane, who must be excited for the one thing he's portrayed at being good at. Kane isn't doing anything right now. He's just pokin' around wrestling when's he's told to. This is what happens when you murder the Undertaker, you've got nothing left to do. So you just move on and be a normal wrestler. What a weirdo.

Anyway, Kane needs something to do. And what I think he's going to do, because he's got nowhere else to go, is pad those Rumble stats.

Kane will need something new to brag about, Michael Cole will need something to go hoarse about, and Kane (the word Kane is losing it's meaning) only four eliminations away from tying Shawn Michaels' all-time elimination record of 38. I think Kane's story for the 2011 Royal Rumble is pretty clear.

He obviously will do the "Three Faces of Glenn Jacobs" and enter three separate times as Kane, Isaac Yankem and Fake Diesel.

Monday, January 24, 2011

THEMED RAWS: DENIM

First, it was themed PPVs. Now, it's themed RAWs.

Some of you may just want to see Old School RAW over and over again, but not me - oh no. I want more from my themed RAW shows. I want an all denim RAW. No dad, I'm not gay.

We all know that two of the biggest stars in the history of wrestling were big on the denim, those of course being Steve Austin and John Cena (who's affinity for denim is unparalleled seeing as he only has one outfit for everything he does). But this themed RAW would see the return of all your favourite denim-clad Superstars. And it would have to be three hours to fit in all of the leather fanny packs that accompany the denim.








This post was supposed to culminate in a picture of the British Bulldog in jeans, jean shirt and leather fanny pack, but no picture seems to exist. I think my memory of this video tricked me into thinking there was a photo somewhere, but there isn't, and that's... BIZARRE!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

THE FIGHTING NARCISSIST


This was originally intended to be a post about how "Dashing" Cody Rhodes' gimmick is that of Narcis Prince from Super Nintendo's Super Punch-Out!! Instead, after doing a quick search to see if anyone else had drawn this pretty obvious conclusion (obvious if in your formative years, you spent more time with Super Punch-Out!! than you did with girls - like me!), I found that I'd been beaten to the punch (out)... uh, kind of.

There's a site that has a description of the "Fighting Narcissist" archetype, as well as several examples of the archetype that appear in pop culture. The examples, if you go by their definition of a "Fighting Narcissist," aren't super accurate. But they did list a handful of wrestlers with this gimmick. And the list is hilariously varied:

GORGEOUS GEORGE
"THE VERY FIRST PRETTY-BOY HEEL"

THE MODEL
RICK MARTEL

WILDMAN/MARVELOUS
MARC MERO

I don't know why they included the "Wildman" moniker, seeing as he wasn't a narcissist until he became a chauvinist boxing douche.

THE REFLECTION OF PERFECTION
MARK JINDRAK

THE MASTERPIECE
CHRIS MASTERS

THE NARCISSIST
LEX LUGER

RAVISHING
RICK RUDE

And of course...

DASHING
CODY RHODES
Photo - WWE.com

The site defines a "Fighting Narcissist" as "arrogance and pride incarnate. He is the most beautiful, the most perfect, your superior in every way. And should you doubt this fact, he will make you pay for your folly, severely."

A few things about that: one, that description disqualifies every one of those wrestlers with that last sentence - I can't see Marc Mero making anyone pay for any folly, unless if he plans on learning to counter the Sable Bomb sometime soon. And two, I want more wrestlers to use the word "folly" in a serious promo.

I know that there's more to get into on this (like have there been any Fighting Narcissist World Champions?), but this stuff definitely seems more suitable for Footnotes of Wrestling than here. I'm more caps lock and swear word oriented.

WHAT

... is this.


Credit to TFSB of the Palace of Wisdom for the find. More credit to me for stealing it from him and posting it here.

If watching this video and laughing hysterically alone in my living room at four in the morning isn't a sign for me to go to sleep, then I don't know what is.

Friday, January 21, 2011

THE FUTURE ENDEAVORS POWER POLL: 01/20/11

Every week I, along with several other wrestling blogs (including my blogging YOSHIHIBRO, TH of The Wrestling Blog), will be sending in my top ten wrestlers to Don Owens of Future Endeavors. My votes are compiled with those of the other bloggers and that gives us the Power Poll. Here's this week's rankings (go to Future Endeavors to view the official write-up) and don't forget to check out the Future Endeavors Podcast.

NUMBER ONE THIS WEEK
CM PUNK
Photo - WWE.com

NOT RANKED THIS WEEK
RIC FLAIR

In wrestling, getting down on one knee either means you're being welcomed into Nexus, or you've been iced.

FUTURE ENDEAVORS POWER POLL: 01/20/11
1. CM Punk
2. Dolph Ziggler
3. Wade Barrett
4. The Miz
5. John Morrison
6. Edge
7. Daniel Bryan
8. Alberto Del Rio
9. Kofi Kingston
10. Mason Ryan

PIZZABODYSLAM POWER POLL VOTES: 01/20/11
1. CM Punk
- IN KAYFABE: def. John Cena via evil-genius-DQ, acquired a new member of Nexus in Mason Ryan (popular nicknames include "Fauxtista" and "Batistwo.")
- OUT OF KAYFABE: Had a great match with Cena to close RAW; remained a charisma overlord with his post-match knighting of Mason Ryan. His "kick me" pose was amazing, and will likely be used in every Punk/Cena video package from here 'til 'Mania.

2. Dolph Ziggler
- IN KAYFABE: Beat up Edge on SmackDown; lost to Randy Orton on RAW; watched his rookie Byron Saxton lose on NXT.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: He's a future World Champion. Maybe not at the Rumble (almost definitely not), but some time soon. This year? Maybe. History shows that since 1998, at least one guy per year wins their first-ever (WWE) World Championship - could Ziggler be the one to do it in 2011? A lot of guys could fill that role - Del Rio, Christian, Daniel Bryan (a boy can dream). But Ziggler is killing it right now, maybe the best he's ever been. And he's hilarious on NXT. Along with literally everyone else.

3. Daniel Bryan
- IN KAYFABE: def. By John Morrison on RAW; with his rookie Derrick Bateman, def. Ted DiBiase and Brodus Clay on NXT; developed telepathy in the NXT Rookie Challenge (Steve Blackman!); is, uh... a virgin. Or at least according to the Bellas. Maybe that's just the conclusion they came to when Bryan resisted their whorish charm. "He doesn't want to bang two sisters at once? WELP MUST BE A VIRGIN"
- OUT OF KAYFABE: He's still one of the few people I legit look forward to seeing on RAW. I mean, sure, I like Randy Orton and stuff, but I don't perk up when his music hits. And like Dolph Ziggler (and, I mean it... everyone else) he is hilarious on NXT. I think I look forward more to NXT than RAW or SmackDown every week. Maybe it's because, at one hour long, it's way easier to digest. Or maybe it's because the comedy is natural and off the cuff and actually funny and it pokes fun at itself and isn't just a billion John Cena Triple H gay and poop jokes. Or maybe it's because it's not 45% video packages. Whatever it is, it's working.

4. John Morrison
- IN KAYFABE: def. Daniel Bryan on RAW; had to listen to a man in a cape yell at him from fifty feet away.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: Continued his string of good matches - and he didn't have to jump off a school bus or something!

5. The Miz
- IN KAYFABE: Beat up Randy Orton.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: Had to endure John Cena's best attempt at PG humour (that's resilience right there).

6. Alberto Del Rio
- IN KAYFABE: Teamed with Cody Rhodes in a losing effort against R-Truth and Rey Mysterio on SmackDown; gave us a fucking hilarious comedy match in Conor O'Brian vs. Ricardo Rodriguez; watched his rookie (O'Brian) get eliminated from NXT.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: His backstage segment with Rodriguez and O'Brian was amazing ("are you trying to embarrass me?!"). And he's closing in on being the best promo on any show... but you already knew that.

7. Wade Barrett
- IN KAYFABE: Lost to the Big Show on SmackDown by DQ; let Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater tag along; welcomed Ezekiel Jackson into his new stable, because hey, even Ahmed Johnson joined the Nation that one time; got new crappy music.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: Had a decent match with Big Show until Ezekiel Jackson appeared on the apron just staring for no reason. I feel like that could've been done way better. Totally underwhelming for me.

8. Kofi Kingston
- IN KAYFABE: Retained his Intercontinental Championship against Jack Swagger.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: The match was good! I think. I kinda forget. I feel bad saying this, but Brandon Stroud might be right again.

9. Jack Swagger
- IN KAYFABE: Lost to Kofi Kingston on SmackDown.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: Somehow when from actual World Champion to Intercontinental contender. And now not even #1 Contender, like at least #2 after losing so many times. Why is he filling this workhorse loser role?! GET THE EAGLE BACK JACK

10. Derrick Bateman
- IN KAYFABE: Teamed with Daniel Bryan to beat Ted DiBiase and Brodus Clay on NXT; won the NXT Rookie Challenge via telepathy.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: I find him funny. Naturally, he gets a decent amount of boos, because hey, if your humour doesn't involve tripping over Hornswoggle or making a Justin Bieber reference, you're not funny to the WWE Universe.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

MY ABANDONED 2010 IN REVIEW

Welp, just like I expected, the series of posts I had planned for reviewing 2010 has gone the way of Eric Escobar. Being away for those critical weeks at the end of December and start of January definitely make it hard to get back into the swing of things when it comes to "end of the year" lists.

So, instead of the planned onslaught of individual posts, I'll probably lock it down to just a few that sum up each category. You can check out what (little) I've already done here:


Over the next week or so, I'll wrap up all the posts I intended to do before all the year-end hype kinda faded away. But for now, I'm gonna finish watching Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

MARK "MYSTERY OPPONENT" HENRY

This is easily a gimmick someone could pull off hilariously on the indies. Even though Mark Henry is already doing it.








I wish I could cut these clips together into one nice, tidy video. Instead, I have no skills and you're stuck clicking play and pause a billion times to get the joke.

But seriously, I want someone to start issuing "open challenges" just straight to Mark Henry next week. "I challenge anybody in the back to a match, so Mark Henry - GET OUT HERE!"

LATE NIGHT REBLOG: FEAT. "WE WATCH WRESTLING" TUMBLR

The latest addition to the sidebar is yet another fantastic pro wrestling Tumblr, this one simply called "We Watch Wrestling." Mike, the main contributor to the site I believe, has all kinds of wrestling photos up, all intended to celebrate the great sport of fake fighting. Want a picture of Batista and Masahiro Chono? Got it. Maybe a shot of Adam Pierce with long hair? It's yours. How about the funniest fucking picture of the Four Horsemen in Four Horsemen sweaters? LOOK NO FURTHER.

Here are some of my favourites. Check out We Watch Wrestling right here.