Monday, June 28, 2010

RAW 06/28/10 REVIEW: *EMAIL ALERT NOISE*

Not a good time, guys. Not a good time.

RAW 06/28/10
LIKE: EVAN BOURNE IS FAST
DISLIKE: MONDAY NIGHT RAW
Photo - WWE.com

LIKED
- Blazing hot crowd. But even though this crowd was hotter than my underpants after watching Maryse and Ted DiBiase interact (don't judge me), that couldn't save the show, which was agonizing segment after agonizing segment after balls-in-vice agonizing segment.
- Evan Bourne and John Morrison moving at Mach 1000 speeds. They were literally the only wrestling-related highlight of this show. From Evan's apron-to-outside kick, to Morrison's hot-tag-assault on The Miz, they ran the show tonight.
- Randy Orton's volcanic pop. The crowd was SO hot for Orton (no-homo... or maybe yes-homo) that when he hit his INSTANT RKO, I'm almost positive 20% of the fans there achieved orgasm.
- Sheamus, the tacky orange pot, calling the orange kettle tacky.
- I HATECHU CENA, I HATECHU
- R-Truth is the ZOOKEEPER and that's the TRUTH and that's also something he regretted saying immediately after saying it.
- I liked the Edge/Rob Zombie back-and-forth, if that is indeed a sentence I'm proud of having burned into the internet.
- During the Legends/Nexus showdown segment, I wrote "Arn Anderson and Dean Malenko for WWE and World Champs plz," but my auto spelling corrector changed it to "WWE and World Champ plaza." But I would let them run that too, if that was a thing.
- I hope the Daniel Bryan chants outlive the WHAT chants.
- That Divas' match was bad, but at least the Axe Kick was soul destroying.

DISLIKED (THIS MAY TAKE A WHILE)
And first of all, I hate being hard on the things I love. But sometimes, when I am hard on the things I love, a part of me believes that the things I love will try and improve themselves so I don't have to be hard on the things I love. Y'follow? Good. Because this show was not so much a wrestling show, as much as it was a steaming pile of a grown man's hungover, dark-matter, steaming turds. Over the top? Yeah, okay. Still. I didn't even have a "laugh at it because it's so bad!" kinda time. LET'S DO THIS ISH.
- Michael Cole. I'm going to start with this motherfucker this time. I hate his sombre tone (which is such transparent bullshit I can't even), his contact with the "anonymous GM" (which makes the GM such a wiener for having Cole's email that it's so lame, what is this i don't even), I hate how we can see how the email looks to be typed in Microsoft Word, and he doesn't click a single thing when he approaches the podium so we don't even have the slightest illusion that this is real, and he also has his FRICKIN' (YEAH FRICKIN') paper notes with him at the computer to keep us from believing that the email even exists in reality, and I hate how he continues to say "I've just been told, via email" as if email has just been discovered and it's the HOTTEST trend right now, and I hate his stupid glasses and his crappy podium and the fact that I have to hear his voice more than ever now that he relays the GM's messages and comments on NXT and cuts promos on Daniel Bryan oh wait he's fired and I want to punch myself into a mentally challenged state of mind so I can enjoy this show again. The end.
- John Cena's attention span. So quickly he went from being all about the WWE Champioship, because hey, that IS the ultimate goal of any professional wrestler, to... crackin' wise with Sheamus and wanting to team up against Nexus... RIGHT BACK TO WANTING TO BEAT UP SHEAMUS. Normally I am on team John Cena, but tonight, I was on team fun, and John Cena stepped on fun's balls tonight. But I would accept an internet meme of John Cena shouting "my life is being ruined by the internet."
- It's always a little bit wack when the first match starts 20 minutes into the show. And this may not even be a match. Nope. It's not. The Uso's just laid out the Harts. Welp, now it's a half-hour in and we get our first real match, and it's Kozlov vs. Santin-- hey WHAT, wait, no this is a comedy segment!! Suddenly I want to stab the version of myself that thought it was a good idea to tune in tonight.
- Lucky Cannon reminds me of the trans-gendered person from The Real World: Brooklyn. Didn't watch that show like I (the world's biggest loser) did? Here's his a picture:


- Sheamus definitely makes the same noise that Abyss does when he punches, except he's not muffled by a saliva-douched S&M mask.
- The matches prior to the main event. I wish I didn't get on such a WWE high by watching Fatal 4-Way last night, where Evan Bourne and Chris Jericho tore the place a new asshole or twelve. Because the undercard tonight was soooo bogusly boring that I want to tear myself a new asshole or twelve.
- Darren Young can go dildo himself to death.
- David Otunga has shiny helmet hair.
- Y'know what, Darren Young (yeah, I'm coming back to this doucher) is, without hyperbole, my least favourite professional wrestler of all time. He can go DDT himself into a fat man's choda and contract a new disease that is more humiliating than painful, but ultimately kills you.

- Really guys? Replaying the opening montage from the start of the show? This has been a BRUTAL show. And I normally go easy on it. My dick aches for some wrestling. I'd even settle, no, ENJOY some sports entertainment. Or ACTION entertainment! Anything! Something I can drink beer to and laugh at or whatever! Instead I'm getting email alerts and Michael Cole's bullshit. The only solace I can find in this show is that it didn't have Kane yelling "I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERRRRRRR" but at least I now have Smackdown to look forward to. Help me, lord.

UNDERTAKER AND MICHELLE MCCOOL MARRY

As evidenced by this photo from Wrestling-Radio.com:


And fan video of the ceremony has surfaced - you can check that out here.

I wish them all the best in their UNHOLY UNION OF DARKNESS.

WWE PPV PREDICTION GAME: FATAL 4-WAY - RESULTS!

With only five matches announced before the start of the PPV, it was a tight race:

WWE FATAL 4-WAY (EVENT #2)
PREDICTION RESULTS
Photo - WWE.com

1. (12 Points) TH - The Wrestling Blog
2. (11 Points) the1
3. (9 Points) bstan80
T4. (8 Points) Monkey Man
T4. (8 Points) Sly Dogg
T4. (8 Points) SSJ Storm
T7. (7 Points) SETUP DISK
T7. (7 Points) TOH
9. (6 Points) pizzabodyslam
T10. (5 Points) Canadian Vampire
T10. (5 Points) Kastrada
12. (4 Points) LongLiveAngusYoung

Adding these numbers to our running total gives us the overall standings:

WWE PPV PREDICTION GAME - OVERALL STANDINGS
T1. (35 PTS) TOH
T1. (35 PTS) Monkey Man

3. (33 PTS) Canadian Vampire
4. (32 PTS) TH -
The Wrestling Blog
T5. (31 PTS) Kastrada
T5. (31 PTS) SETUP DISK
7. (30 PTS) SSJ Storm
8. (28 PTS) French
9. (27 PTS) pizzabodyslam
T10. (26 PTS) Masa
T10. (26 PTS) PSO CheZi
12. (21 PTS) Heartless
T13. (20 PTS) Cory Chaos
T13. (20 PTS) Arn Anderson
15. (19 PTS) Steve -
Burning Spirit
16. (18 PTS) Mike -
World Champion of Something
17. (14 PTS) TheTazDevil
18. (11 PTS) the1
19. (10 PTS) TCU
20. (9 PTS) bstan80
21. (8 PTS) Sly Dogg
22. (4 PTS) LongLiveAngusYoung

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

FUCKING UP THE FAMILY NAME

Being a guy who travels for a living definitely makes it hard to keep up with blog posts. But here is one that I rattled off in the van the other day, since I just watched the premiere episode of NXT Season Two (and saw episode two yesterday).

Another quick disclaimer: I've yet to watch Fatal 4-Way, so results and junk from the prediction game will most likely go up tomorrow/next day or something. Once I get home I'll be right back on track for consistent posts - honest! Anyway, on with the show:

NXT ROOKIE
MICHAEL MCGUILLICUTTY
Photo - WWE.com

While season two of NXT kicked off with a loud, rotten fart of an excuse for an episode, the thing that maybe bothers me the most is the new name that Joe Hennig has. I truly don't understand that logic behind changing a guy's name when his gimmick is based entirely on the names of his father and grandfather.


Why Michael McGuillicutty? That is literally as if Stone Cold Steve Austin had a son who then came into the WWE and was like "my name is Geopphrey Jahosephatts!"


So here are some fake names I propose for the fake children of second and third generation wrestlers:


THE LINEAGE OF...

THE MAIVIA FAMILY NAME

Photo - WWE.com


PETER MAIVIA


And his son in law...

ROCKY JOHNSON


And his son...

ROCKY MAIVIA


And his son...

TAD GLENNINGSMAN


THE LINEAGE OF...

THE ORTON FAMILY NAME


BOB ORTON SR.


And his son...

BOB ORTON JR.


And his son...

RANDY ORTON


And his son...

SHEMP JONAS-DERP


THE LINEAGE OF...

THE STEAMBOAT FAMILY NAME


RICKY STEAMBOAT


And his son...

RICHIE STEAMBOAT


And his son...

DESHAWN FEINSTEIN


THE LINEAGE OF...

THE DIBIASE FAMILY NAME


"IRON" MIKE DIBIASE


And his adopted son...

TED DIBIASE SR.


And his son...

TED DIBIASE JR.


And his son...

CHUD LIMPLE


THE LINEAGE OF...

THE HART FAMILY NAME


STU HART


And his son...

BRET HART


And his son...

DILDO RICKLES


THE LINEAGE OF...

THE LEVESQUE FAMILY NAME


TRIPLE H & STEPHANIE MCMAHON-LEVESQUE


And their daughter...

AURORA ROSE LEVESQUE


And her demon spawn...

ZUUL


THE LINEAGE OF...

THE COLE FAMILY NAME

Photo - LavaLife.com


MICHAEL COLE


And his son...

N/A (NO SEX)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

WWE PPV PREDICTION GAME: FATAL 4-WAY

Make your predictions in the comment section below! Points will be added to the running total from Extreme Rules (Over The Limit was skipped because I suck).

WWE FATAL 4-WAY - PICK DEADLINE: SUNDAY, JUNE 20TH - 8:00 P.M. (EASTERN)

There are five matches scheduled for Sunday. Any match added DURING the Pay-Per-View will not be counted. You have the numbers 1-5 to assign as confidence points to your picks - if your prediction is correct, your earn that number of points. You can't use the same number twice.

WWE FATAL 4-WAY - FINAL CARD
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
John Cena
VS.
Randy Orton
VS.
Edge
VS.
Sheamus

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Jack Swagger
VS.
CM Punk
VS.
Rey Mysterio
VS.
Big Show

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Kofi Kingston
VS.
Drew McIntyre

UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP
The Miz
VS.
R-Truth

DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP
Eve
VS.
Gail Kim
VS.
Maryse
VS.
Alicia Fox

PIZZABODYSLAM'S PICKS
5 - The Miz
4 - Jack Swagger
3 - Edge
2 - Maryse
1 - Kofi Kingston

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

NXT SEASON TWO PREVIEW + THE MOST APPALLING PRO/ROOKIE PAIRINGS I CAN CONJURE UP

SEASON TWO PRO AND ROOKIE PAIRING
KAVAL AND TEAM LAY-COOL
Photos - WWE.com

This is like when they announced that The Miz would be mentoring Bryan Danielson, times infinity billion.

So, in light of this unique pairing, I thought it'd be fun to come up with the most offensive, appalling, fake NXT Pro & Rookie combination my sick and twisted brain could muster up.

NXT ROOKIE
SAMOA JOE

AND HIS NXT PRO
SHAGGY 2 DOPE

NXT ROOKIE
KENTA
Photo - Scott Finkelstein's Get Lost Photography

AND HIS NXT PRO
JON LOVITZ

NXT ROOKIE
RICKY STEAMBOAT

AND HIS NXT PRO
PERCY WATSON

NXT ROOKIES
THE FOUR HORSEMEN

AND THEIR NXT PRO
DOMINIC

NXT ROOKIES
THE ENTIRE HART FAMILY

AND THEIR NXT PRO
THE DELL GUY

NXT ROOKIE
THE GREAT MUTA

AND HIS NXT PRO
KE$HA'S KEYTAR PLAYER

RAW THOUGHTS + KENNY OMEGA

I don't even think I need to write about RAW. It was too fun to watch just as a fan, I don't want to ruin it by dissecting every segment. Evan Bourne was the star, Santino was funnier than ever (and had the crowd eating out of his hand) and Ashton Kutcher was great (even if he was clearly not there).

And the American FUCKING Dragon stole the show - he is such a bonafide star it actually scares me.

So instead of breaking the show down, here are a few things I wrote down while watching the show:

RAW 5/31/10
THINKING OUT LOUD
Photo - WWE.com

- No one can fold-up Wile E. Coyote style like Evan Bourne.

- Daniel Bryan getting the Ashton Kutcher rub!

- The farm hand is a reference to a joke he made on Punk'd once. How I know that, I don't know.

- And Eve asking to see the farm hand is just about the creepiest thing she could ask. If she asked to see his cock I'd be far less creeped out.

- R-Truth's overtly sexual pelvic thrust dance taunt being described as "R-Truth's unorthodox style" by Michael Cole makes me instantly think of Michael Cole fantasizing about sex with R-Truth.

- R-Truth nearly paralyzed Chris Jericho with his unorthodox style!

- The number of times Cole has said "belly" instead of "stomach" leads me to believe he has the brain of a seven year old boy.

- Bret Hart using his Lonesome Dove acting chops.

- holy hell i'm dying over here. santino is the funniest man on earth. regal (with his "bloody pathetic!!!" and "RIHZGUFSGSIHAOAIH!!!") is a close second.

- YES. Daniel Bryan vs. Miz. My good god. How long I have waited. Okay, like a couple months I guess.

- Greatest segment of television I've seen since Jack realized that he too died.

- Weird segment. Jerry Lawler pretends… then Khali just comes out. Who is still supposed to be in India getting ready to be a World Champion. And it's not him. It's Goldust. No wait, it's one of their "DAMN" segments that upsets my bowels.

- I miss Tony Chimel's "Rated R… SoooOOOOOoperstarrr…"

- I think my two favourite misheard lyrics are Brandon Stroud's "It's a shameful thing, LOBSTER HEAD" and Mario of POW's "APPLEDOUGH" (John Cena).

- Holy shit Evan Bourne main event!

- Evan Bourne looks like a ninth grader next to John Cena, who looks like four or five grown men stuffed inside a Marky Mark halloween costume.

- Evan Bourne, when he gets hit with a big clothesline or something, always reminds me of when video game characters go into rag-doll physics, or whatever it's called when someone gets hit by a car in GTA IV.

- John Cena is more excited on the apron than the fat children watching him in the crowd.

- Crowd is hot as blazes for this main event. They want a comeback like nobody's business. Maybe like Vince McMahon's business.

- Nothing pleases me more than a mark crowd that unconditionally cheers faces and boos heels.

- HUGE night for Evan Bourne. Insane. I love it. Even though I know it's not like it's the beginning of a long term push or anything. Just an awesome show.


Now, onto the second part of this post - KENNY OMEGA.


Browsing Kotaku today, I was surprised to see this post, which included this awesome video of Kenny Omega. Enjoy!